| Bethany (7): | o hai urly start 2da gud job mi mums stil aslepe eh coz shed onli showt @ me agen onistly ud think shed ov growd out ov it bi now i had 2 get mi own t yesterday findus crispy fukn pancaeks agen salt fat additives u naem it im gonna call childline… |
| FX: Piano being defenestrated |
| …hang on shes moovin upstares l8rs… |
| G Imlach: | O hai! I, TV’s G Imlach, Grand Vizier by appointment 2 teh Court ov HM teh King C Prudhomme teh First, welcome u 2 teh mobile soap opera that iz teh Tour de France! Mi Fool TV’s Nice C Boardman iz off doing teh Stuffs 4 TV so I will torment TV’s *** Boulting and TV’s Super D Millar! |
| N Boulting: | (Guiltily concealing sticky bun…) O hai! I, TV’s *** Boulting, pronounce today’s stage MOAR Eebil than TV’s Evil C Boardman! |
| SD Millar: | O hai! Fck yeah, I, TV’s Super D Miller, say “iz nasty”! |
| N Boulting: | AG2R! Oh yes! |
| G Imlach: | Oh, look, see, a prat on a zip line! Get stuck, go on, o you mite! Maek us larrf, liek TV’s Bloody Stupid Johnson! |
| Meanwhile… |
| Bethany (7): | o god i think shes bein sik (Shouting) Mum, Mum, can I go round 2 5’s house, Mum? |
| Bethany’s Mum: | Doan care wot u do, u little tart, long as u shurrup abah’ it! |
| Bethany (7): | Revenge is sweet but not fattening, eh, readers! |
| N Boulting: | Rain! TV’s M Smith! Who haz u got in ur broom cupboard 2da? |
| M Smith: | O hai 2da I haz M Hutchinson aka. Dokta Hutch teh well-known loonhouse only he’s. Not here yet! |
| N Boulting: | U had one job! |
| SD Millar: | Teh FEAR – teh pelican haz it! |
| A Démare: | O hai! Ur not wrong there, Super D! C me form l’autobus e’en b4 le Roi C Prudhomme haz done teh impression ov teh Malmesbury Monk! |
| N Bouhanni: | LOL @ A Démare! |
| Omnes: | And what manner ov rider art thou, that soddeth off teh front on teh very first climb? |
| T Wellens: | O hai! There are those who call me… TIM! |
| T Pinot: | O hai! I am T Pinot and I am made ov teh Win! Y u wearing those horns? |
| T Wellens: | Who, me? |
| Across teh tracks… |
| 5’s Mummy: | Air hellay, Bethany! Vivalda1 is just mucking ait her poney! Would you like a kumquat? |
| Bethany (7): | Yes please, Mrs Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh! |
| 5’s Mummy: | Oh for goodness’ sake, Bethany, hai many times do Ai have to ask you to call me “Syrah2”? |
| Enter Vivalda Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh aka “5” |
| 5: | o hai bef’ny we gonna watch teh tour innit? |
| Bethany (7): | innit! |
| 5: | We’ll be in mai suite, Mummy. We won’t hear Daddy shouting at teh under-gardener from up there! |
| 5’s Mummy: | OK, dahling! Do finish your kumquat first, Bethany! |
| Bethany (7): | Yesmissispoulidorfanshawnomnomnom! Ooh, I fink one ov mi teef haz come loose! |
| 5’s Mummy: | “Syrah”! |
| SD Millar: | Oh, look, see, M Mori haz doned a crash! C him showing off as he writhes on teh floor in ag…, er, cut! CUT, FFS! |
| N Boulting: | Big bunch off teh front! Look, see, there is JJ Jarlinsson, teh Colombian Viking! |
| JJ Jarlinsson: | O hai! Remember me, JJ Jarlinsson, teh Colombian Viking? And remember what happens 2 people who call me “Jar-Jar”? (Indicates very large hammer) They meet mi associate, El Mjölñiro, and ushualy end up being killed utterly 2 DETH! |
| R Gesink: | I ATE’NT DEAD!!one! (Abandons…) |
| Meanwhile… |
| 5: | Super D Millar! (Huge sigh) He’s so yummy! I wanna haz hiz babies! |
| Bethany (7): | Ur sick! U seed hiz hat? (Shows 5 picture ov SD Millar in teh “Rubette XL De Luxe”) |
| 5: | Ewwwwwww! I gone rite of im innit! |
| Bethany (7): | Mi work here is done lol! U owe me big tiem, Super D! |
| SD Millar: | Thank fck 4 that! |
| N Boulting: | Tiem 4 MOAR sticky buns! M Smith, speak 2 us with words, shake ur ash spear! |
| M Smith: | O hai Dokta Hutch haz now rocked up. Next big French hope L Calamityjane3 or something. Or what? |
| D Hutch: | L Calamityjane yes T Pinot R Bardet that other bloke PT Voeckler tongue and so on. |
| Omnes: | What did he just, wait… what! Where iz teh lazy Norn Iron stereotyping? |
| ML Maire: | Ha! |
| Later… |
| TD Gendt: | Piss! |
| S Cummings: | C me bide ect ect! |
| SD Millar: | Rain. |
| SG Verity: | (From somewhere up teh road) Eh up, bai ‘eck, aye! Rain. |
| N Boulting: | Spottyjumper? |
| SD Millar: | Yes. No. Perhaps. |
| N Boulting: | JJ Jarlinsson (teh Colombian Viking)? |
| SD Millar: | Reboot. His gears, that is. |
| TP Fairy: | O hai! I am TP Fairy, and I maek TV’s Evil C Boardman look liek St Francis ov Assissisisisissssssss! Whom shall I visit with mi Pointy Thing ov Doom 2da, eh? Ah, J Birdsong! Stab, stabbity, stabbeee! |
| J Birdsong: | Maybe you’ll wanna give me kisses sweet. But only 4 one night with no repeat! Mi Mum was in Teh Supremes, u know4! |
| TP Fairy: | Flattery does not work with me, J Birdsong! |
| P Roglic: | O hai! Spottyjumper wha-hey! |
| SD Millar: | Wet descent. Not hard work. Skill. |
| Bethany (7): | Skill? Isn’t that an African bum disease roffle? |
| Omnes: | No, Bethany (7). No, it is not. |
| N Boulting: | C Betancur. Virtual shinyjumper! |
| SD Millar: | Monsieur Bibendum! Porky bloater! Aaaah, Spacehopper! |
| T Astana: | O NOES! OUR DOM-ES-TIQUES HAZ BEEN EX-TER-MIN-A-TED! |
| N Boulting: | AG2R! JJ Jarlinsson! |
| G Thomas: | Arse! That hurts! |
| R Bardet: | O hai! Right, watch this! |
| JJ Jarlinsson: | O hai! Anyone seen A Contador? |
| A Contador: | O hai! I fell over. Going uphill. FFS! |
| SD Millar: | Wha-hey, wowsa, w00t and other expressions ov enthusiasm! AG2R! |
| N Boulting: | Virtual shinyjumper! A Vuillermoz! Spottyjumper! |
| W Barguil: | Not if I, W “Big Boy” Barguil haz any say in teh matter! |
| T Ben00t: | O hai! I, T Ben00t, am also here, u know! Just coz I never been caught in flagrante with Bethany’s Mum! |
| Bethany (7): | Hold on! What are u implying? Surely W Barguil iz not old enuff 2 be mi Dad! Iz he? |
| T Ben00t: | (Whistles innocently…) |
| SD Millar: | This iz much MOAR betterer than flat stage ploddery futile break dullitude, eh? AG2R! |
| N Boulting: | M Matthews! J Bakelite! B Mollema and hiz aero conk! S Geschke and hiz Hipster Beard! Tiem 4 tea & seed CAEK! M Smith & D Hutch, disseminate essential information! |
| D Hutch: | M Matthews, eh? Team $ky creeping up. Mont du Chat. |
| M Kitteh: | Chat? Miaow! |
| N Boulting: | Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE! |
| M Matthews: | O hai! Yay, points! Points 4 meeee! If I was CP Sagan u’d all be saying how crazy I am! Bloody favouritism! |
| N Boulting: | Oh, look, see, TV’s C Boardmen have just appeared! Evil C Boardman is implying A Démare is in deep, deep doo-doo! |
| N Bouhanni: | Mi hart bleeds! |
| N Boulting: | Mickey Mouse blocking teh Col du Chat lol! |
| SD Millar: | Cat… mouse… roffle! |
| Omnes: | That falls way below teh standards stipulated in ur terms & conditions, SD Millar! U will not be paid 4 it! |
| Slo dissolve… |
| N Boulting & SD Millar: | Reboot! |
| C Froome: | Yoicks! Mi biek! |
| F Aru: | Arooooooo! I’m teh hairy-handed gent who ran amuck in Kent! |
| Omnes: | Sho sum RISPEK, F Aru, u wnkr! |
| C Froome: | I could hav u killed, F Aru! Killed utterly 2 DETH! |
| W Barguil: | Oi! I’m leading teh stage, u kno! |
| Bethany (7): | yay go mi dad w barguil! |
| F Aru: | Arooooooo! Ect. |
| R Porte: | O RLY? |
| C Froome: | O RLY? |
| N Quintana: | O RLY? |
| W Barguil: | O piss! |
| A Contador: | Wot W Barguil said! |
| Bethany (7): | yay mi dad w barguil haz teh spottyjumper! |
| J Birdsong: | I pwned teh Dauphiné coming down here, y’know! Yeah, don’t ya hear teh wind blowing? |
| R Porte: | I, er, oh, bugger! |
| D Martin: | (Furious mid-air arm-waving) WTF did u do that for, R Porte? |
| R Bardet: | CU l8r, suxx0rz! |
| C Froome: | Go on then, F Aru, ur so fukn keen! |
| F Aru: | |
| 5: | look bef’ny during teh blipverts r bardet iz in teh lead! |
| Bethany (7): | o ffs itv u gits!!?! |
| Shortly… |
| Bethany (7): | yay they cort im! |
| J Birdsong: | I told u I was hardcore. You packed your bags as I recall, and you walked slowly down teh hall. Oh! |
| Bethany (7): | yay go mi dad w barguil yay pwnage! |
| W Barguil: | (Speechless…) |
| Bethany (7): | (Speechless…) |
| R Uran: | Er, excuse me, W Barguil, but I think ur sitting in mi chair! |
| W Barguil: | FFS! |
| Bethany (7): | (Starts crying…) |
| Omnes: | Never mind teh riders, we need a rest day after that! |
I expect Riggers will be wanting a picture of Mrs Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh next
