TdeF 2017

[Mr Larrington]

Stage 21: Montgeron->Paris

G Imlach:	O hai! 4 teh last tiem I, TV’s G Imlach, sa a big “O hai” 2 all intelligent life forms everywhere & 2 everyone else out there, teh SEEKRIT is 2 bang teh rocks together, guys!
NC Boardman:	O hai! I, TV’s Nice C Boardman, an knackrd! Marseille 2 Paris – whose idea dat?
C Prudhomme:	LOL @ G Imlach & NC Boardman! We ov teh Ay Ess Oh haz teh private jet!
G Imlach & NC Boardman:	U utter GIT, C Prudhomme!!1!
	[After teh Photoshop…]
S Yates:	O hai! I am S Yates and I am made ov teh Win! C Froome haz teh yellow biek, M Matthews haz teh green biek and W Barguil haz teh spotty biek! WHY I NOT HAZ TEH WHITE BIEK? IZ TEH NOT FAIR!!1!
Omnes:	Oh grow up, u little squit! Hang on, didn’t we do this 1 last year? Also, u haz got a white biek!
S Yates:	Oh yes, so I haz!
N Boulting:	O hai! PT Voeckler, tiem-trial, all emotional. Awwwwwwww!
SD Millar:	O hai! Kno teh feeling, Vuelta, M Rendall!
EC Boardman:	U gr8 ponce, SD Millar! Mind u, meeting M Rendall enuff 2 maek ne1 cry LOL!
SD Millar:	(Sulks)
	[Quite a lot later...]
Omnes:	Oi! C Prudhomme! Get on with it!
C Prudhomme:	OK! Off u fck!
N Boulting:	…and we iz joined by R Gilmore…
Bethany (7):	Fck! Off!
J Bakelite:	PHWOOAAAR! Ullo, darlin’!
Bethany (7):	U can fck off 2! & when u fckd off u can fck off sum MOAR! Wnkr!
R Gilmore:	…and having ridden up teh Izoard… 4 sure...
M Pingu1:	Ooooh, hark @ u!
	[Shortly...]
T $ky:	Yay! Teh BEER!!1! Oh, wait! Iz shampain!
R Gilmore:	Shampain face roffle!
Omnes:
T $ky:	Last year we had teh BEER! Y we not got teh BEER this year chiz?
SD Brailsford:	G Thomas drunked it all in teh 1st week! LOL! Akshuly, iz Lie! Here iz ur BEER!
S Yates:	Teh T $ky haz teh BEER! Y I not haz teh BEER? NOT FAIR!!1!
Omnes:	Ur not old enuff 2 haz teh BEER, S Yates! Does ur Mum kno ur here roffle? Hang on, we doned this 1 last year 2!
S Yates:	WAAAAAAAAH!!1!
	[Later…]
L Minkies:	O hai! I am L Minkies and while I am not made ov as much Win as S Yates I am still pretty Winny! Oh yes! And wot kind ov coverage do I get from P@nd3m1c fukn Pr0duckt10nzTM®? Fck all, iz wot! Just being on teh receiving end ov a recycled joak stolen from a Pink Panzer movie! Well, iz not gude enuff!
Omnes:	FFS, don’t sa ur gonna sulk liek teh Yates bruvs?
ML Maire:	Er, soz, L Minkies! Praps u do something controversial, liek punch a Yates bruv or get ur photo took wif Bethany’s Mum!
L Minkies:	Fck! Off!
Y Offredo:	Right! I iz off! But onli 2 meet teh famlee!
PT Voeckler:	‘sallabahtfamleeinnit! Was that right?
Omnes:	It’s DV Dyke LOL!
PT Voeckler:	Shuttez-lá, vous slagz!
M Landa:	O hai! C me wind up teh R Bardet!
C Gautier:	Bof! C me propose 2 mi grilf!
Omnes:	Awwwwwwww!
	[Eventually…]
N Boulting:	Rain! Break! Futile?
SD Millar:	TD Gendt! Combativité! Chiz!
Bethany (7):	Poo! W Barguil roolz!
EC Boardman:	Rain! LOL!
N Boulting:	Neutered pelican? Nogweegies!
TP Fairy:	O hai! Notable by mi absence 4 most ov teh race, I, TP Fairy, teh embodiment ov pure eebil, will sa a big “O haihahaha” 2 W Barguil! Stab, stabbity, stabEEEE!
W Barguil:	FFS! Ur supposed 2 visit R Bardet!
Bethany (7):	Get tae fck, TP Fairy!
	[Later…]
T Martin:	O hai! I, T Martin, sa yarbles 2 ur futile break!
SD Millar:	Coming 2 teh boil!
S Cummings:	I’m not!
N Boulting:	Sprinters! Control! AS-TA-NA!
SD Millar:	N Bouhanni? Useless!
N Boulting:	Cobblestones!
Omnes:	Shut! Up!
	[Enfin…]
N Boulting:	Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE! Yoicks!
D Groenewegen:	Yay! Pwnage!
A Greipel:	FFS!
Omnes:	MUNKEH!!1!
C Froome:	Speechless amazing rewarding privilege amazing honour and amazing! 4 sure!
Bethany (7):	Podium! w00t! W Barguil! (Dances around room squeaking) Oops! Soz, mum!
	[FX: Repeated fortissimo slappage…]
Bethany’s Mum:	U spilt mi wite litening, u little bitch! I’ll fukn kill u! 2 DETH!
	[Grams: God Saev Bethany(7) Missis Kwin]
C Froome:	Ta Mrs C Froome T $ky teh pelican honour privilege ect ect! Et maintenant la même chose en Aramaique Français (Aside…) U horrible shitgibbons!
G Thomas:	O hai! Haz it finished, then?
	[Just about midnight…]
N Boulting:	Nice C?
NC Boardman:	Uh?
N Boulting:	Wot actually iz teh difference between a village and an hamlet?
	[Roll end credits…]

• Mrs Pingu appears by kind permish of Pingucorps Holdings International

(click to show/hide)

	[2moro morning…]
5:	bef’ny ooz reeli ur dad innit?
Bethany (7):	(Sotto voce…) pffmffmfmppfmmpmpppfffmpppf fmfpffappp1… leas thas wot tvs g imlach sed!
5:	u wot e looks liek teh griti norvn coppa wif a drink prob y ur mum not go 4 teh hunki yumza liek m matthews or m kitteh ffs?
Bethany (7):	fck noes probly pist or stond teh fukn c-o-w i bet e woz 2 innit
M Kitteh:	(Purrs…)
	Teh End
	4 now…

• A shiny BRITONS’ shilling 4 teh first correct answer

[Mrs Pingu]

Ooh I haz a famous 

Another top 3 weeks of entertainment from P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 

[Veloman]

Excellent coverage from ITV4 and full credit to NB and DM for their commentary. While we all appreciate the picture feed is not theirs, still very good that ITV4 chose to provide as much coverage as they did.

[Socks]

The live coverage has been a bonus this year, showing stuff that isn't usually picked up in highlights.  For example, how difficult it can be to establish a breakaway. 

And considering the reception from some French fans, Froome's speech at the end seemed quite gracious.

[Mr Larrington]

The extended coverage was definitely a Good Thing, even on the flat stages.  Worth it just to hear *** and Super D desperately failing to find any enthusiasm for anything except their lunch

[Ivo]

In 1991 the Green jersey nearly crashed out of the tour in the last kilometer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Nt4x3nuzfQ

[Beardy]

Another top 3 weeks of entertainment from P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 

This.

[Mr Larrington]

Did my eyes deceive me or did the Funny Bit in tonight's highlights really show Super D & *** swanning around France in a Maserati?

Iz jealous...

[Pingu]

Another top 3 weeks of entertainment from P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 

This.

Yesh, me too also 

[Torslanda]

Did my eyes deceive me or did the Funny Bit in tonight's highlights really show Super D & *** swanning around France in a Maserati?

Iz jealous...

Nope. I remarked same to Mrs Torslanda, of the horned helmet and heavy metal breastplate. Given it was RHD and SD Millar wuz at the wheel can we assume he was driving his own car?

Beats the crap out of a hired Focus . . .

[spesh]

Did my eyes deceive me or did the Funny Bit in tonight's highlights really show Super D & *** swanning around France in a Maserati?

Iz jealous...

Nope. I remarked same to Mrs Torslanda, of the horned helmet and heavy metal breastplate. Given it was RHD and SD Millar wuz at the wheel can we assume he was driving his own car?

Beats the crap out of a hired Focus . . .

Quoth TV's Super D Millar on his blog:

Arrived into Dusseldorf on Friday afternoon and waiting there for us was our car for the three weeks, a white Maserati Quattroporte, the same car that had taken us around the Tour the year before.  It's a subtle set of wheels, helps Ned and I move around un-noticed, because fitting in is very important to us.  DOH

https://chpt3.com/blogs/journal/tour-de-france-stage-1

[Mr Larrington]

I did wonder whether it was Super D's own motor but AFAIK he lives in Spaign, where A Contador is usually anxious to get back to¹, so he'd be more likely to have a left-hooker.

1: Lie.  Well, this year anyway.

[Veloman]

https://chpt3.com/blogs/journal/tour-de-france-stage-1

What a great link, well worth a visit and read.

And if you thought Rapha clothing was expensive!

https://chpt3.com/collections/all

[Mr Larrington]

O hai! So now teh Tour iz doned so Yay! 4 C Froome M Matthews W Barguil & S Yates, but iz now tiem 4 teh coveted P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® TdF 2017 Awards 4 Stuffs That *** & Super D Mostly Daren’t Mention Because Libel Laws, sponsored by Teh Watchfinder-General’s mate P0rl¹, from Leatherhead:

(click to show/hide)

5’s Bestest Naem Ov Teh Race Stutifictate:	Jhon Darwin NotaAtapuma
Teh Bethany (7) Kick In Teh Fork 4 Being Teh Sexist Oinker:	J Bakelite.
Teh Donald J Tяump Someone Else’s Old Golf Ball 4 Alternative Facts:	TV's *** Boulting & Super D Millar (joint award).
Teh McLaren-Honda Chocolate Teapot Ov Utter Uselessness (Induhvidual):	I Montoya N Quintana.
	Dishonourable Mentions: F Aru, A Démare.
Teh McLaren-Honda Chocolate Teapot Ov Utter Uselessness (Team):	FdJ.
	Dishonourable Mention: AS-TA-NA.
Teh ML Maire Man(s) Ov Teh Match:	W Barguil & M Kwiatkowski (joint award)
Teh P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® Kick In Teh Bolleaux 4 Teh Worst Shitvert:	Money Supermarket.
Le Prix P Roglic 4 Aerial Artistry:	S Cummings.
	Honourable Mention: D Martin.
Teh Plucky J Durand Prize 4 Futile Breakery:	T ‘Tictacs’ D Gendt. Agane.
Teh Sirius Black Special Award 4 Howling:	F Aru.
	Honourable Mention: T Wind (Stage 16).
Teh Terry Malloy Contending Thingie:	D Martin.
Teh TV’s Evil C Boardman Prize 4 Teh Old Ultraviolence:	Bethany’s Mum.
	Dishonourable Mentions: N Bouhanni, J Degenkolb.
Teh TV’s Nice C Boardman Prize 4 Punditing:	Bethany (7).
Teh W Weasel Wossname 4 Hardly Mentioning l’Etape At All:	R Gilmore.
	Honourable Mention: JR Shand.
Teh Waitrose Shopping Voucher 4 Services 2 Teh Kumquat Trade:	Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh (Mrs)2.
Teh Walter Mitty Trophy:	J Birdsong.
Teh Watchfinder-General Award 4 Hipsta Beardiness:	S Geschke. Agane.

• Another beardy hipster type. Real name “Paul”, obv.
• Just in case Riggers asks

[cameronp]

Woohoo, it's all over now so I no longer have any excuse for staying up until 2am (Oz time). Thanks again Mr L and the crew at Pandemic Productions for teh witty punz and other such entertainment.

Is "Teh Waitrose Shopping Voucher 4 Services 2 Teh Kumquat Trade" a joke I'm not getting, or does Syrah just really like kumquats?

[Salvatore]

My Man Ov Teh Match is the gendarme on stage 18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7xhkMzlF8k&feature=youtu.be

[T42]

Another top 3 weeks of entertainment from P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM® 

This.

Yesh, me too also 

Yup, me too. Admirable devotion & stamina, M. le Maire. Have a red number.

[T42]

And considering the reception from some French fans, Froome's speech at the end seemed quite gracious.

Nothing against the guy, in fact he seems a decent chap, but his speech was the least he could do after his team clamped a lid on from day 1. The booing was unfortunate but his team is perceived as being much the same kind of machine as US Postal, although there are no drug allegations I've heard of. To put it in some perspective, Anquetil was frequently booed for beating Poulidor.

Anyway, having now heard his acceptance speech I'm rather sorry for the guy.  He obviously does not like speechifying, and doing it in a language he's not fluent in (by several miles) must be torture. Still, he'd have won more friends by starting in French, however bad.

[Veloman]

Anyway, having now heard his acceptance speech I'm rather sorry for the guy.  He obviously does not like speechifying, and doing it in a language he's not fluent in (by several miles) must be torture. Still, he'd have won more friends by starting in French, however bad.

Considerably better speech than many have given in the past and in 2 languages.  For some folk he will never do anything right and that is a cross he has to carry and I think he carries it well.  He appears to be an outstanding cyclist compared to his peers who has dedicated his preparation to an end goal.  Many folk will never like Team Sky because of their dominance or budget, but also appear to support teams in F1 with the same attitude and budget or in other sports such as football.  That is the nature of the sport and no matter how much money and expertise you have, your whole race plan can be ruined by the actions of another rider, as was the case with Geraint Thomas.

Based on the performance of other younger riders this year, there are exciting times ahead!

[citoyen]

He obviously does not like speechifying, and doing it in a language he's not fluent in (by several miles) must be torture.

It was a pretty good effort for someone who obviously doesn't speak French that brilliantly - I certainly couldn't have done any better. And it did sound like all his own work too - though you'd think Nicolas Portal would have given him a hand with a few choice phrases, at least.

[T42]

Anyway, having now heard his acceptance speech I'm rather sorry for the guy.  He obviously does not like speechifying, and doing it in a language he's not fluent in (by several miles) must be torture. Still, he'd have won more friends by starting in French, however bad.

Considerably better speech than many have given in the past and in 2 languages.  For some folk he will never do anything right and that is a cross he has to carry and I think he carries it well.  He appears to be an outstanding cyclist compared to his peers who has dedicated his preparation to an end goal.  Many folk will never like Team Sky because of their dominance or budget, but also appear to support teams in F1 with the same attitude and budget or in other sports such as football.  That is the nature of the sport and no matter how much money and expertise you have, your whole race plan can be ruined by the actions of another rider, as was the case with Geraint Thomas.

Based on the performance of other younger riders this year, there are exciting times ahead!

Yes to both paragraphs. I'd even say that, in providing a large target to beat, Sky have revitalized the Tour. It was a bit in the doldrums in the post-Armstrong years.

[T42]

He obviously does not like speechifying, and doing it in a language he's not fluent in (by several miles) must be torture.

It was a pretty good effort for someone who obviously doesn't speak French that brilliantly - I certainly couldn't have done any better. And it did sound like all his own work too - though you'd think Nicolas Portal would have given him a hand with a few choice phrases, at least.

It used to be that you had a hard time on the Tour if you couldn't speak French, but I read the other day that English is becoming the lingua franca, so total immersion doesn't happen any more. I suffer from that myself: the local default language here is Alsacien, but since we speak English at home and everyone can speak French too I've never learnt it in the 28 years we've lived here. If folk lapse into it on a ride I've had it.

[mrcharly-YHT]

I've just started following him on Twitter. Not a lot of stuff but some of it is fun, like this:

https://twitter.com/LeTour/status/889178739568979971

[Samuel D]

For some folk he will never do anything right and that is a cross he has to carry and I think he carries it well.

That about sums it up.

On the other hand, you do sometimes feel like shaking him by the shoulders and plying him with alcohol and getting him to loosen up a bit and stop being so polite. I think his combination of ruthlessness on the battlefield and superficial politeness elsewhere is off-putting to many observers, not least the French (who anyway prefer underdogs and have a long history of booing Tour champions). Stop nodding from the beginning to the end of every interview question. Scowl at the witless questions posed by journalists. Mock idiots. You’ve got a platform, so use it for something you believe in (other than rhinos). Say what you think once in a blue moon. That would go a long way in the popularity stakes.

But he is what he is and that is itself attractive to me. He’s not naturally charming in front of the camera and he doesn’t care. He could hire a PR guru, get a hairstyle, and transform himself, like Wiggins did with XIX Entertainment and now the M&C Saatchi Merlin agency. But he’d rather tweet cat pictures and try to win another Tour.

[Peter]

Superficial politeness?