Author Topic: a glossary of things  (Read 3302 times)

ian

a glossary of things
« on: 17 October, 2017, 09:09:21 pm »
There have been several complaints that my posts of late have been a bit much to keep up with. So I have compiled a glossary to aid understanding.

Asbestos Palace, the
a house deep in the jungles of Surrey. There’s a trapdoor to Hell under the hallway floorboards, which is by far the best way to get to Hell. Every other route involves dying or — worse — taking the last night bus through Peckham

Bad Cat
darkly mischievous feline and veteran tail combatant. Disperses dildo clowns from wardrobes with her presence. Makes no promises to respect your privacy during those occasions

Bears, those
Surrey-native ursine species proximate to the Asbestos Palace and its environs

Bouffant Bunny-Pillow, Trieste
my occasional and awfully inefficient but really rather posh intern. Voted most likely to be a Conservative MP

Colossus bellendii
enormous fool or idiot, frequently in the public eye, and ever-willing to demonstrate their inalienable idiocy.

Daltonism, Sim
leader of the remaining free humans, c2025

Day Badgers
an invisible Surrey-native species of non-nocturnal mustelids, related to fog otters

Dildo Clowns
a type of wardrobe-dwelling self-pleasure interruptors

Dress Down Friday
Hell’s most favoured and salubrious suburb, favoured by executive-level demons. Has Hell’s best golf course (and there are a lot of gold courses in Hell) and views out to the Chlamydian Hills and the giant motivational poster

Event, The
Civilization ending catastrophe. It hasn't happened yet. But probably will. On a Wednesday. All we'll remember is the screaming going on for a long time.

Finestre
aka The Demon of Such Things. Executive Demon with early career experience in IT systems. Invented all the things about computers that you hate and just about all the other things you hate. Contender to be the next Lady Lucifer and all-round Satanic Majesty

Heaven℠, a JesusCorp™ Business
what used to be called Heaven, now held privately by JesusCorp™

Jess
south London’s only undead librarian. Knows the Dewey Decimal System (yes, 398.45) and periodically saves an ungrateful world from sundry apocalypses. Denizen of my great unpublished novel. Make her famous, she’s by far the coolest thing that happens in my head

Kevin of the Sparkles, Saint
the angel responsible for Heaven℠, a JesusCorp™ Business’ SAP implementation (among other things)

k.squirrels
an arboreal rodent species adapted to survive on the blood of w/b.sharks and careless humans

Langoustine, Sophia
athletically blonde art dealer and literary critic, rescued from Dan Brown’s prose dungeon and now helps to write my posts on YACF

Little Monster Cat
three kilograms of condensed fury, inadvertently created in the Large Hadron Collider. Can twist through 11-dimensional space.

Lower Clandestine
(very) slowly gentrifying Hell suburb, predominantly damned souls. Pronounced to rhyme with Palestine, don’t get it wrong, no one wants to be a newbie in Hell. Twinned with Surrey

Mammary Hypnotism
curious condition that primarily affects teenage boys, though may persist into adulthood (c.f. Toby Young)

Mothership, The
one of several of my employer’s galactic fleet, stranded on Earth after the tragic teleporter accident and the corruption of its governing Excel spreadsheet

Origamo!
ian's superhero alter-ego, can fold his way out of any situation. Scissors are his kryptonite.

Poppy
the very, very middle-class anti-christ child, and mummy's favourite despite her bad behaviour and eye gouging. 'Now Poppy – Poppy –put down the knife, you'll make mummy so cross if you stab her again. Mummy only has one kidney now. Oh Poppy!'

Porn fairy, the
A creature that puts porn under the bed or in a browser cache, to be discovered later.

Purley
vampire kingdom in south London, on the edges of the badlands of Greater Croydonia

Subdeck SX4827474-11K
location of Tidy Haired™ Thought Leading minions on The Mothership

Tidy Haired™ Thought Leadership
post-hipster employment option gifted to humans by The Mothership. Involves drawing kittens with lines. Occasionally giraffes

w/b.sharks
tree-stranded elasmobranchs

Yeti arborialus
cryptozoological species found in the higher reaches of the grounds of the Asbestos Palace. Disliked by those bears. Primarily eat pampas grass and day badgers

Zombies
utterly useless, shambling supernatural villains that mostly kill their victims by boring them to death over several long series

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
    • Twitter
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #1 on: 17 October, 2017, 09:18:19 pm »
Ah, I thought I'd missed something with Trieste & Sophia.
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #2 on: 17 October, 2017, 09:31:02 pm »
No place for Poppy, I see.
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #3 on: 17 October, 2017, 09:47:19 pm »
Good point. I'm sure there's more. I forgot Poppy-the-Junior-Antichrist. Now ETA.

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
    • Twitter
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #4 on: 17 October, 2017, 09:50:42 pm »
Sea otters?
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #5 on: 17 October, 2017, 10:00:31 pm »
No sea otters in Surrey, just fog otters. I have a sea otter and his name is Rick but he's from Monterey.

I have added my cats on account I don't want to be on their bad sides. Especially Little Monster Cat as she's 11-dimensional.

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #6 on: 17 October, 2017, 10:29:07 pm »
Sea otters and die.

I've done the first. Hopefully someone else will tell you what I've done the latter.
It is simpler than it looks.

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
    • Twitter
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #7 on: 17 October, 2017, 10:31:35 pm »
I have a sea otter and his name is Rick but he's from Monterey.

But he is in Surrey...
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

clarion

  • Tyke
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #8 on: 18 October, 2017, 09:58:46 am »
This makes everything as clear as it's ever likely to get day
Getting there...

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #9 on: 18 October, 2017, 10:08:25 am »
I have a sea otter and his name is Rick but he's from Monterey.

But he is in Surrey...

Yes, but he has a very Californian attitude. He's got a lot of otter (and assorted other mustelid) pals in my office.

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #10 on: 18 October, 2017, 11:05:49 am »
This makes everything as clear as it's ever likely to get day

Excellent. I was worried I'd have to do an infographic.

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #11 on: 18 October, 2017, 11:31:42 am »
Has blue rinse been totally eradicated in Surrey?
Get a bicycle. You will never regret it, if you live- Mark Twain

clarion

  • Tyke
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #12 on: 18 October, 2017, 11:33:45 am »
Any chance of a PowerPoint presentation?  I promise to marvel at your exquisite choice of transitions
Getting there...

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #13 on: 18 October, 2017, 03:56:02 pm »
I think I knew one of Bad Cat's relatives in another millennium. It objected loudly, both vocally & scratchily, to being shut out of the Surprisingly Young Primary School Deputy Head Teacher's bedroom when she invited me into it.
"A woman on a bicycle has all the world before her where to choose; she can go where she will, no man hindering." The Type-Writer Girl, 1897

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #14 on: 19 October, 2017, 12:48:30 pm »
Any chance of a PowerPoint presentation?  I promise to marvel at your exquisite choice of transitions

I'm afraid I'm a dull dissolve or fade-through-colour person. Unless I'm trying to mess with people.

I'm not sure who's going to feature in my work presentations next year. My most popular creation is Bad Alice, who's a mad scientist with a habit of blowing things up. She might be a little bit risque in today's climate and she's not about to stop mixing up the different coloured liquids because that's what scientists do. I have to be careful with Giant Laser Hitler for obvious reasons and Taylor Swiftian lyricising only works the demographic who think a floppy disk is a three dimensional 'save icon' prop. Jean-Claude van Damme is my staple. There's few big business questions that can't be addressed with the thought 'what would Jean-Claude do?'

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #15 on: 19 October, 2017, 08:04:35 pm »
Has blue rinse been totally eradicated in Surrey?

I'm working on it. With drones. And improvised exploding copies of the Daily Mail.

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #16 on: 24 October, 2017, 07:38:20 pm »
I have added Origamo! my new superhero alter-ego. I alas find my paper superhero costume less than comfortable but then who said fighting crime was for the comfortable. All that crinkling does make it kind of hard to sneak up on dastardly super-criminals though.

David Martin

  • Thats Dr Oi You thankyouverymuch
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #17 on: 28 October, 2017, 10:03:19 pm »
Any chance of a PowerPoint presentation?  I promise to marvel at your exquisite choice of transitions

I'm afraid I'm a dull dissolve or fade-through-colour person. Unless I'm trying to mess with people.

I'm not sure who's going to feature in my work presentations next year. My most popular creation is Bad Alice,

Is this a modern day variant of Black Aliss? (Of the Spooks series)
"By creating we think. By living we learn" - Patrick Geddes

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #18 on: 01 December, 2017, 07:26:24 pm »
The Porn Fairy was a notable omission. She's to blame for the magazines under your bed and those items in your browser cache.

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
    • Twitter
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #19 on: 01 December, 2017, 08:14:41 pm »
Friend of Mr Green?
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #20 on: 01 December, 2017, 08:30:28 pm »
Not so much a friend, more a supernatural benefactor.

ian

Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #21 on: 03 January, 2018, 08:17:02 pm »
I think 'mammary hypnotism' deserves a note. And 'Colossus bellendii' as the generic term for a borisworth of public idiots.

Beardy

  • Shedist
Re: a glossary of things
« Reply #22 on: 04 January, 2018, 10:56:35 am »
We have adopted either a relative or an extradimentional projection of Little Monster Cat, although she is known as rocket cat in our abode. When you sit down on an easy chair she jumps on you and stands with her feet on your belly and her ar$e in your face and when you sit at a desk, she runs over whatever is on the desk with abandon and crashes into you with all four paws on the keyboard or whatever else you might have in front of you. However, if you try and stroke her or pick her up, she is all teeth and claws.
For every complex problem in the world, there is a simple and easily understood solution that’s wrong.