There have been several complaints that my posts of late have been a bit much to keep up with. So I have compiled a glossary to aid understanding.
Asbestos Palace, the
a house deep in the jungles of Surrey. There’s a trapdoor to Hell under the hallway floorboards, which is by far the best way to get to Hell. Every other route involves dying or — worse — taking the last night bus through Peckham
Bad Cat
darkly mischievous feline and veteran tail combatant. Disperses dildo clowns from wardrobes with her presence. Makes no promises to respect your privacy during those occasions
Bears, those
Surrey-native ursine species proximate to the Asbestos Palace and its environs
Bouffant Bunny-Pillow, Trieste
my occasional and awfully inefficient but really rather posh intern. Voted most likely to be a Conservative MP
Colossus bellendii
enormous fool or idiot, frequently in the public eye, and ever-willing to demonstrate their inalienable idiocy.
Daltonism, Sim
leader of the remaining free humans, c2025
Day Badgers
an invisible Surrey-native species of non-nocturnal mustelids, related to fog otters
Dildo Clowns
a type of wardrobe-dwelling self-pleasure interruptors
Dress Down Friday
Hell’s most favoured and salubrious suburb, favoured by executive-level demons. Has Hell’s best golf course (and there are a lot of gold courses in Hell) and views out to the Chlamydian Hills and the giant motivational poster
Event, The
Civilization ending catastrophe. It hasn't happened yet. But probably will. On a Wednesday. All we'll remember is the screaming going on for a long time.
Finestre
aka The Demon of Such Things. Executive Demon with early career experience in IT systems. Invented all the things about computers that you hate and just about all the other things you hate. Contender to be the next Lady Lucifer and all-round Satanic Majesty
Heaven℠, a JesusCorp™ Business
what used to be called Heaven, now held privately by JesusCorp™
Jess
south London’s only undead librarian. Knows the Dewey Decimal System (yes, 398.45) and periodically saves an ungrateful world from sundry apocalypses. Denizen of my great unpublished novel. Make her famous, she’s by far the coolest thing that happens in my head
Kevin of the Sparkles, Saint
the angel responsible for Heaven℠, a JesusCorp™ Business’ SAP implementation (among other things)
k.squirrels
an arboreal rodent species adapted to survive on the blood of w/b.sharks and careless humans
Langoustine, Sophia
athletically blonde art dealer and literary critic, rescued from Dan Brown’s prose dungeon and now helps to write my posts on YACF
Little Monster Cat
three kilograms of condensed fury, inadvertently created in the Large Hadron Collider. Can twist through 11-dimensional space.
Lower Clandestine
(very) slowly gentrifying Hell suburb, predominantly damned souls. Pronounced to rhyme with Palestine, don’t get it wrong, no one wants to be a newbie in Hell. Twinned with Surrey
Mammary Hypnotism
curious condition that primarily affects teenage boys, though may persist into adulthood (c.f. Toby Young)
Mothership, The
one of several of my employer’s galactic fleet, stranded on Earth after the tragic teleporter accident and the corruption of its governing Excel spreadsheet
Origamo!
ian's superhero alter-ego, can fold his way out of any situation. Scissors are his kryptonite.
Poppy
the very, very middle-class anti-christ child, and mummy's favourite despite her bad behaviour and eye gouging. 'Now Poppy – Poppy –put down the knife, you'll make mummy so cross if you stab her again. Mummy only has one kidney now. Oh Poppy!'
Porn fairy, the
A creature that puts porn under the bed or in a browser cache, to be discovered later.
Purley
vampire kingdom in south London, on the edges of the badlands of Greater Croydonia
Subdeck SX4827474-11K
location of Tidy Haired™ Thought Leading minions on The Mothership
Tidy Haired™ Thought Leadership
post-hipster employment option gifted to humans by The Mothership. Involves drawing kittens with lines. Occasionally giraffes
w/b.sharks
tree-stranded elasmobranchs
Yeti arborialus
cryptozoological species found in the higher reaches of the grounds of the Asbestos Palace. Disliked by those bears. Primarily eat pampas grass and day badgers
Zombies
utterly useless, shambling supernatural villains that mostly kill their victims by boring them to death over several long series