Audax/cycling euphemisms

[caerau]

OK, sorry if this is in the wrong place, feel free to move it to a more chat orientated forum if its presence here offends.

Been cycling nearly a year now and have come to the conclusion that many cycling route descriptions are vastly understated.  So what euphemisms have I missed so far.

Ones I've got so far are:

1. The ride is a bit lumpy  = it's fekking hilly as fek - the Himalayas are flat in comparison.
2. The ride is flat-ish = see translation of number 1.
3. The conditions are a bit breezy = you'll be riding into gale force 10 head/side winds.
4. Technical descent - fekking dangerous - lots of blind corners, narrow roads and ditches either side.

Any others I should be aware of?

[Socks]

Undulating = geet hilly

In my local cycling club we used to have two rating scales:

- based on the rider who was keenest on hills - the Brian.  1 was flat, 5 was alpine

- based on the rider who enjoyed off road tracks, paths and fields - the Dave - 1 was a railway path with a good surface, 5 was a wet, muddy ploughed field.

So if you ever see a description of a ride that is 5 Brians and 5 Daves

Give up ....

[Tim Hall]

Scenic = hilly (just in case there weren't enough euphemisms for non flat routes).

[Panoramix]

Only 3 major climbs = 3 big hills with lots of small hills in between!

[mmmmartin]

From El Supremo's hilly winter ride last year: "Two Large Descents!"
AKA two enormously steep big hills. One was called Beachy Head! Great ride thobut.

[Hillbilly]

"Routesheet is a bit old school" - take a map, as the instructions are indecipherable and probably wrong in places

"Carry some overnight provisions" - you are going to be cycling beyond the generally accepted boundaries of civilisation

"Alternative route" - this is the faster and shorter route the organiser would like to suggest and uses himself, but the risk assesment suggests he should not be seen as encouraging

[Phil W]

Makes full use of the many lanes


You will often find yourself at grass triangles, on roads where you could plant potatoes in the middle, where the only signpost marker of civilisation is a stone laid in Roman times giving the distance to civilisation , which may well be Rome.

[Henry]

"Delightful views of xxxxxx" = falls into the same unfortunate category as "scenic"

"X-rated" = a 'car keys in the bowl' variant of Audax

"basic facilities" = is one comfortable using leaves instead of peach scented andrex?

"mudguards not compulsory" = you'd be better off riding a full-sus MTB, or perhaps a donkey.

[caerau]

Oh yes, the mudguards not compulsory thing..

That means, not it's not compulsory, you'll just come under extremely heavy peer pressure to get mudguards fitted  when/if you turn up without them

Having said that, I have become infected having tut tutted for a while behind a chap with none on the sportive organised ride I did last Saturday

[Henry]

Well at least on audaxes you're not compelled to ride in a group. On club runs where you have to ride in a pack, it only takes one faceful of slurry to turn a man into a mudguard grouch! 

[vorsprung]

Most of the euphemisms mentioned seem to mean "it's a bit hilly".  Well, at the risk of revealing the inner secrets of audax- a lot of them are.
The Avalon 400 has no AAA points but I always get a complaint or two at the end about the hilliness.
I'm sure orgs in Norfolk have the same problem

[fuaran]

"minimal navigation" - straight up and down an A road.

[Henry]

What's the end of the Avalon Sunrise like then? I've yet to discover it 

DNF = Start seeing strange things, get lost and lose ability to get unlost, see sign for town containing train station...

[andyp]

Before my first 400, having not heard a weather forecast, I saw the organiser looking at the met office site in the morning before the off, and asked him what it said... my first experience of Audax euphemisms was a hard lesson, turns out "a bit damp at about 2" = biblical storm / horizontal rain / gales from 1pm to 2am. 

[Camrider]

For experienced riders only = Near death experience possible, please don't sue the org if it all goes horribly wrong.

[contango]

Only 3 major climbs = 3 big hills with lots of small hills in between!

3 major climbs = long climb, then flat, then long climb, then flat, then long climb to finish. Somehow in the entire ride there is no downhill section.

[Hillbilly]

"Fixie friendly": generally rolling rather than hilly

"Bring gears": antonym of the above

"Entertaining": borderline certifiable

[Chuffy]

For experienced riders only = Near death experience possible, please don't sue the org if it all goes horribly wrong.

AKA the Kernow & SW 600k...   Which is 'scenic'.

[Kim]

"Rolling hills" = with bends / junctions / gravel / cattle grids / etc. at the bottom.

[LEE]

SO @ Roundabout = Straight on at the roundabout and up the long steep hill

L@T = Turn left at T Junction and then up the long steep hill

IMMED R = Turn immediately right then up the long steep hill


...etc

[ian_oli]

"Travelling light" = Doesnt care that they smell like a dead badger, but even worse, after 3 days on a bike at PBP
"Stomach problems" = frequent urgent issues at the other end of the digestive track

[Manotea]

I was feeling rough and found it hard going = The reason you didnt see me at the arrivee was because I finished a couple of hours before you and was on my way home.

[Hummers]

"Catering for the self sufficient" = no shop or garage where you can buy food or drink will be open for ~140k.

H

[frankly frankie]

'Mudguards' is itself a euphemism.

[bikey-mikey]

Only two hills = One called England and another called Wales