I managed 4 days this time. Epic fail.
I noticed that after 2 days of abstinence I started getting cravings first thing in the morning, whereas I normally only get them in the afternoon/evening. Seriously not good. On the plus side I didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms (apart from terrible cravings), I just felt like I had more energy than usual.
Starting again from day 1 today...
Bob. You seem like a nice chap. So apologies for this in advance...
Why did you go out and drink yet again? Cravings? What sort of cravings? 'Gosh, I've got so much energy I think I'll go and get pissed?' Or was it the old 'My life is such a fuck-up I just want to wipe out?' 'I don't know how to have fun so I'll just get legless instead?'
When you are puking your guts up and staggering all over the road, looking like a complete twat, or remorseful and with zero self-esteem the morning after, cursing yourself for being so weak and knowing full well you're going to do it again next time because you've given yourself a neat little get out clause ('I can't help it - it's The Cravings, you see'), remember just how lame that sounds, and how the only person you're kidding is you. In fact you're not even having a good time when you do it, hence the hand-wringing and mortification of the flesh on here about it afterwards. I went through cravings that made me shiver like a cartoon, teeth going like nutcrackers, with faces appearing in the wallpaper, and I
still didn't go out and drink.
The reason is not because I am any stronger than you are - it's because I was sick and tired of lying to myself by saying I needed help and then going back on it, cheating myself and everybody else who took the time to help me, and because the truth, which is staring you in the face, is that you have to stop drinking - not forever, not for a year, but just for today - and you are perfectly capable of doing that, because you already did it today. But it's only going to work as long as you haven't already mentally prepared your next post about gee shucks I've fallen off the wagon again because I'm such a mess, it's beyond my control. If you're sure you want to set this one up as a target, then do it properly. Either call AA, or don't, or keep drinking, or stop, but don't make a fucking great drama out of stopping and then fail to do so on a weekly basis just so you can beat yourself up a bit more.
Right, rant over. Hope this helps
