"Get on the cyclepath!"

[Charlotte]

Yet another miserable, car-driving self-abuser shouting out of his passenger window at me this morning. 

I don't get pissed off and shout at people who are preventing me from cycling along at my maximum speed (and goodness knows that there are bloody hundreds of these in the traffic jams I cut through every morning) but they seem to think that it's quite acceptable to do this to me.

Over the years, I have developed a fabulous armoury of responses to their stock in trade invective.  This morning's brief conversation went thusly:


Motorised onanist, pulling alongside:  GET ON THE CYCLEPATH!

Pootlepootle...

Me:  I'm terribly sorry...

Motorised onanist, looking slightly nonplussed: 

Me:  I'm afraid I don't speak moron 

Pootlepootle...   



Given that you'll only ever get about five seconds, what are your favourite responses to "get on the cyclepath"?

[red marley]

"Get on the motorway!"

[Wowbagger]

Kuf coff! (anagram).

[Pingu]

Last time this happened I was shouted at by an oaf behind me in a queue at TLs. I ignored him. He kept shouting & swearing & beeping and I kept ignoring him. Just before the TLs went green I moved to the front of the queue & disappeared up the road  

[mattc]

"Get on the motorway!"

Winner.

(but strangely I've never had  this problem, what I _do_ get is the 2 abreast thing. What's a good retort for that:
"Get a single-seater!"  ? )

[Palinurus]

Get on the bus.

[tonycollinet]

This is what I've been planning (similar to the OP). However, it will require an extended conversation - and my main problem is no-one ever shouts at me  :

Moton: "invective invective"
Me: *hand to ear* "Sorry - I can't hear you"
Moton *louder* "invective invective"
Me: *hand to ear again - shouting* "no, sorry. It's an affliction. I can't hear stupid people."
Moton: *angry* "more invective"
Me: *grinning* "no, it's no good. Try speaking sense. I'll be able to hear you then"

Doubt I'll ever get the right circumstances to make it work though.

[arabella]

I've used

"have you ever tried it then?"

or more usually "why don't YOU?"

[FatBloke]

or more usually "why don't YOU?"

Round here we have enough trouble already with vehicles in the cycle path!!

[Wendy]

This is my response:

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/NTDeqn8TeXs&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/NTDeqn8TeXs&rel=1</a>

Embarassment of having your face, car, and rego on youtube.  I slightly regret not including the bit of the clip where she flicks a V at me, maybe I was too nice...

[border-rider]

what I _do_ get is the 2 abreast thing. What's a good retort for that:

Single out, but stay at the same distance from the kerb as you were

That really confuses them.

[Wendy]

what I _do_ get is the 2 abreast thing. What's a good retort for that:

Single out, but stay at the same distance from the kerb as you were

That really confuses them.

Hahaha!  That's a good one!

[Asterix, the former Gaul.]

T'other day I was driving (yes, I had to collect 2 sheets of plasterboard) when ahead of me I saw 2 ramblers walking two abreast towards me.  Being in driver mode I expected them to defer to my superior mode of transport and hop onto the grass verge.

Not a bit of it! The offside rambler simply stayed put and the only thing I could do was slow right down until I could drive past them.  My first reaction was surprise if not irritation at their presumption, but now I just think good on 'em for standing up for themselves.

Two days later I saw them 30 miles away heading towards Spain.  It's surprising how many such wayfarers pass this way.

[Spikey]

Responses include:
1) "because your driving in it"    The cycle lane in question is well placed several foot to right of parked cars. The driver had swerved into the cycle lane to shout at me. Apparently he though the door zone was the cycle lane.

2) "theres isn't a cycle lane" again driver mistakingly thinks the door-zone next to cars parked in lane 1 is the cycle lane.

3) "because I'm not going that way" when turning right

[Rhys W]

"Get on the motorway!"

Winner.

(but strangely I've never had  this problem, what I _do_ get is the 2 abreast thing. What's a good retort for that:
"Get a single-seater!"  ? )

Yes, "SINGLE FILE!" gets "if you're so keen on single file, stay behind us". The irony is usually lost on them though.

Some classy chav lady shouted some unspecific abuse at us a couple of nights ago. "Fuck off back to Jeremy Kyle" was the retort.

[De Sisti]

Moton: (Shouting) "Get on the cyclepath"

Me: (Smiling) "No"

Moton looks confused because I haven't deferred to his aggression.

[klaas]

We don't have cyclepaths.

[Martin109]

What we really need is one of those public information films to tackle this problem, as the ignorance and misinformation is so wide-spread.  You know, like the classic 5 minute film about Mavis Petunia waving to the chap in the sea who's drowning.  "Coo-ee!".

We desperately need that clipped voice-over, the sensible, nice motorist being praised, while the naughty one gets ridiculed.

[Edit] Name correction!

[John Henry]

Moton: (Shouting) "Get on the cyclepath"

Me: (Smiling) "No"

Moton looks confused because I haven't deferred to his aggression.

^^ This.

'No thanks!', with a smile and a wave. I'm not sinking to their level.

Unless I'm having a particularly bad day.

[Oaky]

I wish I had the control to consistently do the smiley response to this sort of thing.  Unfortunately, I'm far more likely to shout "F@£k off yourself.  The M25 is *that* way!" or similar. 

I will make an effort to smile sweetly in future.

[delthebike]

I wish I had the control to consistently do the smiley response to this sort of thing.

I know what you mean. There you are riding along minding your own business when some fat heart attack in waiting shouts obscenities and gesticulates. It's the shock of it more than what's said.

[Oaky]

I wish I had the control to consistently do the smiley response to this sort of thing.

I know what you mean. There you are riding along minding your own business when some fat heart attack in waiting shouts obscenities and gesticulates. It's the shock of it more than what's said.

Now, I want to remember to smile sweetly and say "No thanks, you fat heart-attack-in-waiting".

[mattc]

or more usually "why don't YOU?"

In terms of rational debate, this is the perfect answer. But I'm sure most drivers wouldn't have a clue what your point is. Perhaps good for a driver who is already out of the car, sitting at the next desk to you, etc .

"Get on the motorway" would be understood by more (well, at least .01% more), in the key tiny time window.

[Gattopardo]

Cycle past them quicker and wave.  Occasionally shake my booty

[gordon taylor]

I once managed

"Beautiful Day!" with a huge happy grin - because it was.

Which really messes with their mind.