Oi my cats/ kittens…. Get a grip. You might be nice and furry and can twist my wife around your paws, but she was away last night so I had you all to myself…then the trouble began!
Firstly, thanks Perkins: what am I going to do with yet another dead bird? That’s four you have killed in 5 days. Okay, I know you are only 21 months old so killing is fun for you, but I hate it. I would fit you will a collar and bell but the thin controller she says no. We are running out of places in the garden to bury them.
Then, come 5.30pm you know you all come in for your tea and a sleep. We have trained you to do so, so we, the humans, can have some time to ourselves. Well that does include you Posie. I was especially wanting you in all as I wanted a quick sleep and then to head out for a 90 minute evening ride: it looked a lovely evening for a ride. And no, I am not allowed to leave you out despite you being nearly 2 years old. What time did you decide to come in….yes, 8.45pm. GRRRRRR. Oh and when it was bed time, why Petal when you had been sleep all day why did suddenly wake up and want to play?? Oh I remember, you are a cat.
Jamise cat, I know you have mental health problems but the game of meow to go out and then run off is not funny at any time and even less funny at 3.50am. Oh and 20 minutes after I had fallen back to sleep, you decided to do it again. Went out that time didn’t you…. Finally managed to land you in the neighbours garden: Johnny Wilkinson eat your heart out!
And then Colin, I know you can’t help having hayfever but could you learn to put your paw over your nose when you sneeze: cat snot is not funny.
Finally, Eric the stray. You are welcome to eat the left overs from our pride but it would be nice if you didn’t come in and help yourself… okay, I can live with it, but having a wee on the sofa while you are doing so will get you shouted at.
Cats, you can’t feed them up to eat: sadly.