My First Audax

[Dave]

This was very much a spur of the moment thing, but the organiser is OK with me entering on the day. Entry form is already signed and complete and perfectly positioned to be left in the kitchen on Saturday morning. I have £10 worth of £1 coins to make absolutely sure I can pay the entry fee and one C5 SAE.

Downloaded the routesheet, plotted it as a track with Tracklogs and uploaded it to the Garmin, which is also perfectly positioned to be left in the kitchen on Saturday morning.

This should be a good weekend. 100k round Leicestershire on Saturday then 50 miles off-road in mid-Wales on Sunday

[Greenbank]

Perfect.

The only thing left to do now is panic a bit, panic a bit more, have a few fitful nights sleep, get up insanely early and have a lovely time.

[hellymedic]

Arrive early enough to:
1) collect your brevet card and complete the details at the back, just in case things go wrong.
2) Enter the organiser's contact numbers onto your phone
3) use the loo
4) Briefly check your bike over
5) adjust your clothing/sunscreen/midge repellent

15 x 10 cm plastic pockets will take an A4 route sheet folded into quarters.

Enjoy your ride!

[Greenbank]

Top Tip: Add you mobile number to your contact details on the back of the Brevet Card.

I found one like that left behind at a cafe control and was able to ring the bloke to tell him I had his Brevet card. He was only 5 miles up the road in front of me so he took it easy so I could catch him up by the next control and hand it to him.

Oh, and sign it before you start. It saves you handing it in unsigned at the end when your brain has shut down.

[Hummers]

Dear Dave,

May I call you 'Dave'?

You know Dave, riding a 100k Audax is very much like riding a 62.5 mile cycle ride.

Whilst there have been some sound pieces of advice passed on to you in this thread I do think there are some 'essentials' that you need to consider:

1. Preparation -  Dietary preparation starts long before you unclip at the first control/cafe only to find that there has been a power cut. Oh yes. The night before I find it highly beneficial to take on as many carbs as possible and quite often, have to resort to liquid sources to sate my body's needs. I find a solution of sugar, water, malted barley a sprinkling of hops and 4.5-5.2% alcohol by volume taken by the pint seems to do the trick for me. Most of the time.

2. At the start - This is sometimes the last time you will see your fellow riders for many hours and an ideal opportunity to offend, upset and just generally wind people up. There are a few obvious tactics here such as knocking people's bikes over, letting down tyres, tweaking the indexing, putting salt in waterbottles etc. but to be honest, these are clumsy devices and not the hallmark of the pro. No, subtelty is the name of the game and here are three sure fire winners: a) wander round and pick out podgy riders and say "hey, are you Hummers from the forum?", b) keep asking people wearing ragged AUK shirts and caps "is this your first time too" c) take all the biscuits and banannas or better still, drop them on the floor.


3) Awheel - A kilometre shared is a kilometre sucking someone's wheel. Find someone just a little bit faster than you and stick to their wheel like glue. This can only fail if they are on the 200 and not the 100.

4) At the controls - Cafes are great places to pick up with other riders and pick at their food. "Have you finished with those chips, mate" should be your motto as you dip at fat one into their yolk.

5) At the Arrivee - No, not the S&M magazine, the place where your ordeal will finish. It is not unusual or improper to cry at the finish or hug and kiss the organiser.

6) After the ride - Some organisers are a bit forgetful and need a gentle reminder that your Brevet card needs to get back to you. After 3 days, drop them an email asking them politely when you will receive your card. After a week, email them again asking them if they forgot you were on the ride. After 2 weeks, write a letter demanding that they send you your Brevet card forthwith and copy it to the Events and Membership Secretary of ACP. After a month, just turn up at their house. After two months, picket their next event with billboards, your wife and children. They'll get the message.

There, a more conscise guide of the nuances of Audaxing you'll be hard pressed to find.

Good luck.

H

[teethgrinder]

2. At the start - This is sometimes the last time you will see your fellow riders for many hours and an ideal opportunity to offend, upset and just generally wind people up. There are a few obvious tactics here such as knocking people's bikes over, letting down tyres, tweaking the indexing, putting salt in waterbottles etc. but to be honest, these are clumsy devices and not the hallmark of the pro. No, subtelty is the name of the game and here are three sure fire winners: a) wander round and pick out podgy riders and say "hey, are you Hummers from the forum?", b) keep asking people wearing ragged AUK shirts and caps "is this your first time too"
3) Awheel - A kilometre shared is a kilometre sucking someone's wheel. Find someone just a little bit faster than you and stick to their wheel like glue. This can only fail if they are on the 200 and not the 100.

YOU!
YOU!
It was you all along!
You git.

c) take all the biscuits and banannas or better still, drop them on the floor.

But that was Mark Green at the start of the Beast from the East last year.
Pockets loaded with free bananas at the start. A mile down the road, "Hey, it's raining bananas."

[Hummers]

Moi?

H

[Pip]

But that was Mark Green at the start of the Beast from the East last year.
Pockets loaded with free bananas at the start. A mile down the road, "Hey, it's raining bananas."

[/quote]

.......to be scooped up by Patrick Field in his recumbent

[MSeries]

Niice one Hummers reply #30 I mean

[nuttycyclist]

This was very much a spur of the moment thing, but the organiser is OK with me entering on the day. Entry form is already signed and complete and perfectly positioned to be left in the kitchen on Saturday morning. I have £10 worth of £1 coins to make absolutely sure I can pay the entry fee and one C5 SAE.

Downloaded the routesheet, plotted it as a track with Tracklogs and uploaded it to the Garmin, which is also perfectly positioned to be left in the kitchen on Saturday morning.

This should be a good weekend. 100k round Leicestershire on Saturday then 50 miles off-road in mid-Wales on Sunday

I see lots of references to leaving things in the kitchen on Saturday morning.   I also see Hummers has beaten me to the advice re carbo loading.

I found that my usual routine would be to have a relaxing pre-bed drink, resulting in passing out at silly o'clock Saturday morning only to be woken up by my lift ringing the doorbell a couple of hours later.   In the case of the Beast from The East last year it also resulted in me failing to fill any water bottles prior to the start. 

Actually, I missed the start as I was trying to get another cup of tea (and trying to get the cup in my hand to look like one cup instead of two blurry ones) and looking for the banananananananananas (over a year later I finally find out that it was Mark Green that had them).

I set out late, on my own, passed Tiger after half a mile (who foolishly had turned up despite promising to DNS the ride**) and promised I'd pass his "I'm DNF'ing" message onto Stuart.  Then, as I caught the tail end charlie I stopped at a garage to fill my empty water bottles.

How the fook I managed to finish that ride in 39:15:00 I still don't know.




** All credit to the bloke for attempting to ignore his tendonitus and ride 600k!

[Fixedwheelnut]

 Once you get to doing longer rides you need to up the training, here are some top training tips;

1/ use a course emery paper to rub layers of skin of your backside and dowse with surgical spirit afterwards to toughen it up.

2/ Find a spot in a Motorway layby next to a rainfilled pothole and do deep knee bends whilst being splashed with rainwater and road grime by passing cars, [ this needs to be done for at least 60% for the expected ride duration]

3/ glue half pebbles and stones to the saddle of your bike and ride over bumpy/cobbled streets to toughen the sit bones, this can also be done by an obliging partner with a club hammer or a local proffessional at a cost. [consult your local Tory MP for the latter]

4/ buy an old Carradice saddle bag at a jumble sale, tow it home behind the car through fords and rough tracks then tie it to one side of the saddle rail with an old toe strap, for the proffessional lopsided look.

5/ For summer rides, get a partner to burn your forehead/ nose and ears with a magnifying glass to prepare the skin for it's forthcoming ordeal.
[tan lines on limbs and crazy helmet patterns on the head are optional.]

6/ Practise reading and riding routes and staying upright and on the right side of the road.
[well on the continent anyway, stay on the left here]

7/ Use sections of old handlebars super glued to the palms of your hands to toughen the skin and get used to the feel.

8/ Go into an old peoples home and say something cheerful and wait for the [silence of being ignored if you are lucky] the terse arguementative reply and look of disdain, this will toughen your resolve for holding conversation with other Randonneurs.

9/ Winter training; soak your cycling kit [shoes et al] in water for two hours then place them in a fridge overnight, put them straight on in the morning and go out on your bike [or longer knee bend session on the motorway layby]

10/ night riding training; as per instruction 9 but also wearing a headtorch and reflective gilet.

 

I'm kidding of course, except 6 that actually happened once 

[LEE]

.

2.  a) wander round and pick out podgy riders and say "hey, are you Hummers from the forum?",

If the rider answers "Yes", then walk slowly backwards, away from the rider.  Do not panic (he can sense panic), try to hold his gaze and, most importantly, do not turn your back on him.

[dkahn400]

Or laminate them using sticky backed plastic.

Here's one I made earlier.

[dkahn400]

Or tattoo them on your forearm

Gets expensive when the organiser changes the route the next year.

Organisers usually have them available made up into a set of arm warmers for a nominal surcharge.

OK, I made that up. Nice idea though.

[LEE]

and the answer to the question is "The Master Builders" (I must stop doing New Forest Audaxes)

[Pancho]

I wouldn't advise a 100. I did one some years back.

Ever since then I've had to live with the prospect that someday, somewhere, I will have to do a 200. It is not a pleasant shadow under which to spend one's life.

[mattc]

Or tattoo them on your forearm

Gets expensive when the organiser changes the route the next year.

Organisers usually have them available made up into a set of arm warmers for a nominal surcharge.
OK, I made that up. Nice idea though.

BRILLIANT idea

[LEE]

I wouldn't advise a 100. I did one some years back.

Ever since then I've had to live with the prospect that someday, somewhere, I will have to do a 200. It is not a pleasant shadow under which to spend one's life.

Pancho ! long time no speak.

Lymington On/Off Shore 200 in September? You know you want to.

[Pancho]

I wouldn't advise a 100. I did one some years back.

Ever since then I've had to live with the prospect that someday, somewhere, I will have to do a 200. It is not a pleasant shadow under which to spend one's life.

Pancho ! long time no speak.

Lymington On/Off Shore 200 in September? You know you want to.

Hi! I've been sort of busy in RL recently and am still adjusting to the new home. But it's good to be back.

Re: the 200. Hmm.

Well, I know I've got to do it sometime[1]. I'll look at the calendar and dust off the bike.

[1] I only went and paid 5 years AUK membership in advance. For the magasine, you understand.

[eck]

Once you get to doing longer rides you need to up the training, here are some top training tips;
...

Top tips indeed Mr F Nut.
If I could add another one, poorly remembered from an ancient Arrivée:
11. For winter training, set up  your rollers / turbo in the kitchen, ride with the back door open and the light off, get your wife to throw a bucket of cold water over you every 20 minutes. For added realism, tear up a £10 note every three hours and throw it away to simulate a visit to a Little Chef.

[Fixedwheelnut]

Once you get to doing longer rides you need to up the training, here are some top training tips;
...

Top tips indeed Mr F Nut.
If I could add another one, poorly remembered from an ancient Arrivée:
11. For winter training, set up  your rollers / turbo in the kitchen, ride with the back door open and the light off, get your wife to throw a bucket of cold water over you every 20 minutes. For added realism, tear up a £10 note every three hours and throw it away to simulate a visit to a Little Chef.

 I vaguely remembered a similar article from years ago but couldn't find it so just added a bit from memory 

[Dave]

Well, that was fun. I'm going to have to do one of those again.

Even the last 60km going all a bit November (cold, dark and rainy) didn't dampen the spirits of the group of five of us who came together naturally just after the start by dint of having roughly the same built in average speed.

Of course, because I really am that anti-social, I managed to ride for 100km with these people without ever finding out what their names were. Sigh. Some good chat still managed to happen though (clearly the distance was not long enough for the threatened/promised surly 1000-yard stares to develop).

I failed to put much of Hummer's advice into practice, I'm afraid (must try harder). All the bananas had gone before I registered, no doubt pilfered by the 200km riders who started an hour before. I did toy with the idea of tipping the jumbo box of cornflakes on the floor, but didn't really have the time due to the queue for the single throne in the gents (the noise. Dear God the noise ). I did manage to use the last of the bog roll though

The food at the end was particularly fine. Endless tea, buttered malt loaf (), cheese baps, fruit cake. Lovely.

I must brush up my knowledge of sprocket sizes and gear ratios though. Not knowing what sizes my rear sprockets were clearly marked me down as a 'newbie'. Any advice on good responses to the opening gambit 'no proper audaxer needs a 53t front chainring' will be much appreciated...

[Greenbank]

Any advice on good responses to the opening gambit 'no proper audaxer needs a 53t front chainring' will be much appreciated...

"I find 53x19 a good gear for fixed..."

[Jaded]

Well done!

I must brush up my knowledge of sprocket sizes and gear ratios though. Not knowing what sizes my rear sprockets were clearly marked me down as a 'newbie'. Any advice on good responses to the opening gambit 'no proper audaxer needs a 53t front chainring' will be much appreciated...

Yes, I too look blankly when I am asked ratio questions. If there is a conversation about ratios I don't take part but  take my lead from the expressions of others and simply nod, frown, raise an eyebrow or smile sagely.

[pizzicatooff]

Any advice on good responses to the opening gambit 'no proper audaxer needs a 53t front chainring' will be much appreciated...

"You may well be right but I've found it quite useful for bunch riding on the last 8 PBP's."

Do be careful who you say this to.