tame the face!

[ian]

So, as you may know, I am growing the Beard of Authority™. A most awesome silver face mane. A hirsute tsunami of respectability. I can tell the biggest and fattest of lies and a mere stroke of the furry chin makes them not just believable but weirdly compelling. People's minds are little more than putty for my mental fingers. Their thoughts, mine. I have to be careful not to tell myself anything while staring in the mirror. I'm not immune to my own powers.

Hipster lore has it that you shouldn't attempt to tame a beard for four weeks. Doing so risks a nocturnal mauling by the dark spirit of Chuck Norris. But the furry rubicon approaches. The Beard of Authority™ will need to be tamed.

I have a professional Wahl hair trimmer that puts the Tidy Hair into Thought Leadership. It's so ferocious I wouldn't think twice about shaving a lion with it. Unfortunately the pokey out combs make it clearly unsuitable for taming a face mane. Which means I need another more suitable machine. What does the panel recommend? There's fine line between uber-stylish, latte-sipping metrosexual (it's true, I confess, I trim my eyebrows) and the homeless Grizzly Adams crossed with a sex pest look.

Seriously, what kind of world is when science has given us about fifty different near indistinguishable flavours of beard flaying device but hasn't delivered hover cars and self-cleaning pants.

[PaulF]

I'm sure a man of your abilities could flail a sabre round your face to trim the desired amount away?

[red marley]

I have a Wahl clipper set and it seems fine to me for beard wrangling. I use a no. 8 all over, then a number 3 on the sides and a number 1 just to trim a neatish edge on my neck. This gives me about three or four weeks before I head into Grizzly territory.

Admittedly my thought leadership responsibilities are meagre compared to yours but it allows me to wander freely about Hackney without a dawn raid from the style police.

[Kim]

This thread needs more Wowbagger.

[sojournermike]

I have a Wahl clipper set and it seems fine to me for beard wrangling. I use a no. 8 all over, then a number 3 on the sides and a number 1 just to trim a neatish edge on my neck. This gives me about three or four weeks before I head into Grizzly territory.

Admittedly my thought leadership responsibilities are meagre compared to yours but it allows me to wander freely about Hackney without a dawn raid from the style police.

Scary thought - beard is on 2.3mm from time to time (yes a digital clipper!) and head is number 2 on top and 1 at the back and sides.

Number 8?

[andrewc]

This thread needs more Wowbagger.

Or Andrij, for the opposite extreme.

when I wore a beard I went for the full longish shaggy blonde hair and unkempt beard look.  One of my nicknames was Bjorn.  That was quite a long time ago...

Our favourite tax dodger has various beard trimming aids.. https://www.amazon.co.uk/GoateeSaver-Original-Template-Adjustable-Symmetrical/dp/B001F2B3P8/ref=sr_1_5_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1480458790&sr=8-5&keywords=beard+template

[Ruthie]

Isn't that really wonky and lopsided?

[andrewc]

Isn't that really wonky and lopsided?

depends what you are comparing it to..... http://beardfail.tumblr.com/

[Aunt Maud]

Scissors, or is that just too lo-tek ?

[pcolbeck]

As a beard wearer for 30 years fluctuating between a full one and a goatee I have tried several trimmers over the years.
For the last few years I have been using one of these:

https://uk.remington-europe.com/products/mb320c-barba-beard-trimmer

Its simple, gets the job done and most importantly it works from the mains as well as from battery so when the battery dies half way through a trim you can plug it in and finish the job instead of looking like some kind of loon. The battery lasts well though, a charge before going on holiday will see you through a couple of weeks away no problem.

[Cudzoziemiec]

You are Jimmy Hill and I claim my five pounds.

[ian]

I have a Wahl clipper set and it seems fine to me for beard wrangling. I use a no. 8 all over, then a number 3 on the sides and a number 1 just to trim a neatish edge on my neck. This gives me about three or four weeks before I head into Grizzly territory.

Admittedly my thought leadership responsibilities are meagre compared to yours but it allows me to wander freely about Hackney without a dawn raid from the style police.

Oh being the 18th most influential thought leader in East Surrey has nothing on living in Hackney. The Shoreditch Style Police and the Dalston Fashion Militia are forces to be reckoned with. A beard holding its own in E5 is a beard to be reckoned with.

I'm made a few tentative forays certainly. The other weekend I sipped a flat white (which appears to be a stunted latte) and gazed at retro 1970s Danish furniture while stroking my chin and pretending I didn't live in a house full of Ikea (I think my musing passed muster, at least I wasn't immediately ejected). But to do the full Hackney Hajj, walk the inner sanctum, stand on the elysian car parks of Hackney Wick and ask myself the grand question of a hipster existentialism – does a man truly need socks? I'm not yet worthy. Perhaps I shall never be.

I've gazed at the number 3 and 4 combs for my Wahl lion shearer. They look rather prongy. I envisage a trip in my future to A&E to have its prongs extracted from my nostril.

I'm not sure scissors will work, I'm not planning the full-on Grizzly Adams. The Remington stuff looks OK. There's all kind of crap on Amazon. Do I really need 'digital precision settings'? 'Vacuum hair capture'? They know men are buying this shit, that's for sure.

[Andrij]

This thread needs more Wowbagger.

Or Andrij, for the opposite extreme.

Once a week I trim the beard with a #3 (3/8 in, 9.5 mm), though I leave my chin a bit longer (#6); neck is kept clean, shaved up to near the jawline.

[Asterix, the former Gaul.]

When will they invent a kind of beard wig?  AstraBeard?

After all, there may be times of the day/days of the weekend when a beard is good and times when it ain't.

When asked by your
barber: 'Something for the weekend, Sir?' 
You could reply: 'Oh just the usual please and a beard.'.
barber: 'Certainly Sir; does Sir have a particular style in mind?'

[T42]

I use a Philips trimmer with adjustable depth, 3mm on sides, 9 mm on chin, 3 mm on rest of head. Redo every 2-3 weeks; I'm retired, and cold weather is a great disincentive.

[fuaran]

Also use a Wahl clipper. Usually somewhere between #3 and #12. Maybe I'm going for the Grizzly style...

I did have a Philips trimmer, but the battery wore out after a year or two. Wasn't really powerful enough anyway.

[benborp]

That's not you I the avatar then fuaran?

Oh well.

[benborp]

ian, I have a set of Wahl clippers and attachments and while they are definitely designed for the top of the head I have no problem driving them round my face. My features are small and not dissimilar to those of a particularly pointy weasel. I do have a fear of the prongs going up my nose that guards against complacency. Others that are more cavalier might have issues.

[citoyen]

I've gazed at the number 3 and 4 combs for my Wahl lion shearer. They look rather prongy. I envisage a trip in my future to A&E to have its prongs extracted from my nostril.

I have Babyliss clippers which I use for my beard. I find the #3 and #4 attachments fine for most of the face. The only problem areas are around the nose and under the bottom lip, so for those areas I go freehand with a comb.

Currently letting it grow out a bit so it's more like a #5 or #6. Just use the clippers freehand around the edge of the top lip to keep straggly bits out of my mouth.

[Pingu]

You don't need a beard mangling device. There are hipster beard-styling emporia in that London (at least according to the hipster documentary that was on BBC Four recently).

[ian]

Hmm, it seems I shall have to loose the Wahl on it, never mind Grizzly Adams, that trimmer could probably shave an actual grizzly. There are hipster beard emporia aplenty in London, but I don't pay for hair, that's what Mr Wahl is for. This seems principally so my wife can afford her £120 haircuts (seriously, what can you do with hair that costs that much?)

This could all go horribly wrong, of course, and make it look like I have face mange.

[citoyen]

There are hipster beard-styling emporia in that London (at least according to the hipster documentary that was on BBC Four recently).

That was hilarious. Peter York is brilliant.

There's no way I'm paying for someone else to style my beard though. Especially not if their intention is to turn me into a "lumbosexual".

[citoyen]

This could all go horribly wrong, of course, and make it look like I have face mange.

Nah, just needs a bit of patience and well-oiled clippers.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Hmm, it seems I shall have to loose the Wahl on it, never mind Grizzly Adams, that trimmer could probably shave an actual grizzly. There are hipster beard emporia aplenty in London, but I don't pay for hair, that's what Mr Wahl is for. This seems principally so my wife can afford her £120 haircuts (seriously, what can you do with hair that costs that much?)

This could all go horribly wrong, of course, and make it look like I have face mange.

You are Wowbagger!

[Moultonaught]

I use a Philips beard trimmer, one of thier cheaper models anout £25 or so.

I contemplated using hair clippers, as i had some but the nartow width of the beard specific trimmer mskes it more maneuverable and user friendly.

Also comes with an ear and nose hair trimming attachment!