The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[David Martin]

What is it about white van man that makes them operate toa completely different calendar/timescale/clock/universe to the rest of the world?

"We'll be round first thing in the morning" - like **** - no sign and it is gone midday.

Grr..

They have my phone number "Sorry for the delay, we will be late and arrive at X" would go some way towards me not being really fed up with them.

Unfortunately they are coming to unblock a drain (came yesterday but needed two people, not one as it is a long way from the nearest vehicle access)

..d

[Mrs Pingu]

My work laptop.
Not only do I have to have IE set to not show pictures (as it crashes whenever I try to use it to view this very site), but IE now crashes everytime I try to use Wikipedia.
It also fires the hard drive up every time I run IE as well. 

Oh wait, there's more. There's no access to the MS defrag program - you have to use the company one for that. To use the company one you need to download it thru system manager as a an SMS packet. System manager does nothing when I try to open it.

[Clare]

Dear Energy Supplier,
thank you for the 4 free energy efficient light bulbs which we didn't request, I'll put them in the drawer with the other 4 energy efficient light bulbs which you sent us in June and the 4 sent to us by a different energy supplier and the 2 given to us by that nice woman in Waitrose; it is a shame that they don't fit the light fittings in this flat. Is there any chance you could stop sending us useless tat please? If you don't I will be forced to provide the Lord Mayor with a shovel, the Lighthouse Family and a voucher for ice-cream.

Thank you.

[Chris S]

Dear Norfolk County Council,

Re: Top Dressing.

Stop doing it. Right now. Use black-top instead - Suffolk County Council manage it, even after they paid top dollar pound for that Andrea Hill woman.

If you must use Top Dressing - here's a couple of handy hints:

1. Use some tar as well. Just throwing stones on the road is unhelpful for us cyclists.
2. Don't just "let the traffic" bed the stones in - use a f*cking roller - they've been available since the steam age you know  . Of course, this is only going to be effective if you look after point (1) first.
3. Try using smaller stones. Just heaving a load of pebbles from Cromer beach onto the road is not good for my fillings, and doesn't constitute a road surface.

Yours.... yada yada

[Regulator]

Dear Norfolk County Council,

Re: Top Dressing.

Stop doing it. Right now. Use black-top instead - Suffolk County Council manage it, even after they paid top dollar pound for that Andrea Hill woman.

If you must use Top Dressing - here's a couple of handy hints:

1. Use some tar as well. Just throwing stones on the road is unhelpful for us cyclists.
2. Don't just "let the traffic" bed the stones in - use a f*cking roller - they've been available since the steam age you know  . Of course, this is only going to be effective if you look after point (1) first.
3. Try using smaller stones. Just heaving a load of pebbles from Cromer beach onto the road is not good for my fillings, and doesn't constitute a road surface.

Yours.... yada yada

Dare you to send it!  I think Councils need to get more letter like that.  Short, pithy and to the point!

[Analog Kid]

Dear B-bloody-T-bloody-broadband,

Yes it's me again.

You may have noticed that I can now answer the security questions before you ask them. This is due to the fact that I have called you so often that the "help" line number is now number one in my "Family & Friends".

Oh and please do something about the "..your on hold.." muzak - after 28 minutes of it this morning I very nearly took my own life.

Failing that, do something about my broadband - 4 weeks loss of service is a bit rubbish don't you think?

Yours in complete lack of confidence...

 

[dkahn400]

Virgin dropped my broadband link in the middle of an online backgammon tournament last night. The Romanian had accepted my double and I was sure I would gammon him. If I'd won that match and the next 7 I would have made 4 euros. Bah!

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Staff Nurse - when I phone you and say "I am the OT for your patient Mr X's son. I am not working with Mr X but I am aware that he is in your ward having surgery to remove a cancerous tumour. He is the main carer for his son who has a severe progressive neurological condition and he finds this very stressful. I am only dealing with the bathroom adaptation for the son, but I know that Mr X wil require a lot of help when he first comes home. He is likely to tell you he can manage, but the reality is he was struggling to manage before the surgery, let alone now. Please do not send him home without referring him to the hospital discharge team for community follow up as he will not cope," that is what I mean.

I do not mean send him home the same day I phoned you without referring him on, and without even notifying me. I was not pleased today to get a frantic phonecall from his daughter telling me he came home about an hour after I spoke to you, is in a lot of pain, and can't get out of his chair, let alone care for his son.

[Gattopardo]

Dear Norfolk County Council,

Re: Top Dressing.

Stop doing it. Right now. Use black-top instead - Suffolk County Council manage it, even after they paid top dollar pound for that Andrea Hill woman.

If you must use Top Dressing - here's a couple of handy hints:

1. Use some tar as well. Just throwing stones on the road is unhelpful for us cyclists.
2. Don't just "let the traffic" bed the stones in - use a f*cking roller - they've been available since the steam age you know  . Of course, this is only going to be effective if you look after point (1) first.
3. Try using smaller stones. Just heaving a load of pebbles from Cromer beach onto the road is not good for my fillings, and doesn't constitute a road surface.

Yours.... yada yada

Send to all highways departments.

Oh should that be done to roads with speed limits of 30 mph and below?

[clarion]

That's my child, you git.

[Chris S]

Dear Birds

Regarding your Instant Custard.

I totally resent the fact that this is an invention clearly intended for teenagers only. This is blatant ageism of the first order.

Firstly, the instruction label is printed in 1 point font, completely illegible to anyone over 39 years of age. It's a real shame that I have to don glasses in order to read the instructions for use.

Upon reading the instructions, I find that by applying 150ml of boiling water to 25g of Instant Custard powder, I will obtain a single serving of Lovely Birds Custard.

No.

First time, I obtained a rank looking portion of snot. I poured it in the sink.
Second time, I was treated to what can basically be described as "cloudy piss".

"FFS" comes the response from a local teenager. "Let me do it Dad".

He lobs a totally arbitrary quantity of powder into a jug, and pours a completely unknown amount of boiling water on it. He then pauses to text a couple of mates. Result? Perfect Custard.

You are a bunch of ageist f*cks, and I want my money back.

Sincerely
.../...

[bikenerd]

Shimano dominance of road bike components.

I'd like to buy a bicycle with Campagnolo components, not Shimano.  Why does this mean I'll have to build my own bike and pay 25% more than an equivalent specced bike for the money?

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

[Nienke]

my son makes better custard than me mutter mutter

 

Very funny. I was going to rant about my headache but reading that has cheered me up too much.

[Maffie]

I dont need to rant just reading this thread makes me laugh so much I forget what i want to rant about.

[Mr Larrington]

Good morning, Mr. A. Twatinarover.  You do realise that if you want to maintain the same speed up a hill as you were doing on the flat, you need to depress the accelerator?

Oh, you don't.  Well, don't overtake a Mr. Larrington doing 65 and then dribble by degrees back to 55, especially in the middle lane of an otherwise empty motorway, unless you want to be forced to load a blunderbuss with semi-liquid camel dung, with which I shall then shoot you.  In the face.  You are a rancid badger's flange.

[tiermat]

Good morning, Mr. A. Twatinarover.  You do realise that if you want to maintain the same speed up a hill as you were doing on the flat, you need to depress the accelerator?

Oh, you don't.  Well, don't overtake a Mr. Larrington doing 65 and then dribble by degrees back to 55, especially in the middle lane of an otherwise empty motorway, unless you want to be forced to load a blunderbuss with semi-liquid camel dung, with which I shall then shoot you.  In the face.  You are a rancid badger's flange.

That is so spooky, weren't heading South on the M1 round Sheffield this morning were you? I had EXACTLY the same thing happen to me, rusty blue Rover...

[Mr Larrington]

That is so spooky, weren't heading South on the M1 round Sheffield this morning were you? I had EXACTLY the same thing happen to me, rusty blue Rover...

North on the M11 just south of the M25.  Off-white Rover 75.  Perhaps it's just that pricks seem to gravitate to Rovers now that Volvo have gone all funky and Designer.

[onb]

TV interviewers who approach someone who has just had a particularly traumatic or upsetting experience stick a camera and micriphone in said persons face and say "How are you feeling now "what a stupid question you dont have to be brain of fucking Britain to work out how they must be feeling.

[john74]

to mrs silver vectra driver who tries to squeeze her car and my bike between the curb and traffic island. nearly amputating my right leg and arm.

[tiermat]

To Mrs Blue Peugeot driver,

Driving up behind me as I am passing cars in the inside lane, flashing your headlights WILL NOT get me to pull over, especially when the OUTSIDE LANE IS EMPTY!!!  Learn to use the lanes properly, not just to satisfy your need not to turn your damned steering wheel...

[eck]

Mr Citroen Picasso driver in Forfar: these rectangles of reflective glass, and the wee winky orange lights on each corner of your car, are there for a purpose.
So f*ing use them before you pull away from your parking place on the double yellow lines and cut me up. Grrrr.

I told you this when I caught you up at the lights, but a wee reminder won't go wrong now, will it? 

[Polar Bear]

To all those ladies who wait until the cashier tells them how much the bill is before they casually search through several thousand bags and pockets to find their purses, stopping on many many occasions to announce to all and sundry that 'it is in here somewhere ...' , then rummage through the coins to get that last penny: 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's better 

[Mr Larrington]

To the person who has in the front garden a bush so large that it overhangs half the pavement and blocks the view of oncoming traffic for those attempting to emerge from the side road: get some fucking shears, you muppet!

Oh, er, hang on, that's my front garden

[mattc]

"FFS" comes the response from a local teenager. "Let me do it Dad".

What I particularly love about this vignette of domestic harmony is that Chris has brought up his teenagers to use acronyms, presumably to avoid offending the elderly.

[Chris S]

"FFS" comes the response from a local teenager. "Let me do it Dad".

What I particularly love about this vignette of domestic harmony is that Chris has brought up his teenagers to use acronyms, presumably to avoid offending the elderly.

 

We used to land on them like a ton of bricks if they swore. Then, once they exit school at 18 they're adults and can make up their own minds. Thankfully, I'm glad to report that all three only swear sparingly (such as when exasperated by an inept oldie) which is more than can be said for their f*cking father...