G Imlach: | O hai! TV's ect! Football boo l'Equipe boo! Wooden D Friebe, interviews! |
Riders (Various): | Hills GV Avermaet P Gilbert J Alaphilippe hills! |
NC Boardman: | O hai ect! G Thomas! Wind! |
N Boulting: | O hai! 20 winners 2da Brittany B Hinault! |
SD Millar: | O hai! Hoam ov French cycling! Lorient U-boat bomb bang boom beware! |
N Boulting: | France iz absolutely revelling in teh sheer Frenchness ov being French 2da*! |
Omnes: | What. Did. He. Just. Say? |
N Boulting: | TD Gendt break S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel? |
SD Millar: | TD Gendt! |
M Burghardt: | O hai! I shall coff avoid crashing coff coff 2da coff bi riding coff coff up teh zorst ov C Prudhomme's coff coff car. Oh! I coff cannot breathe! |
Omnes: | LOL @ M Burghardt! U need salbutamol, m8? Want a tea-wee roffle? |
M Burghardt: | Fck! Off! |
C Prudhomme: | Scram, u benighted puddings! |
| [After no small amount ov footling about] |
N Boulting: | Break! S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel S Calamityjane! |
S Calamityjane: | Did he call me "Sue" agane? I will kill u, TV's *** Boulting. 2 DETH! |
SD Millar: | Break gone brute force. Which TD Gendt haz. |
N Boulting: | TD Gendt iz not in teh break, Super D! |
SD Millar: | [Improvising desperately] And timing, obv. Which TD Gendt haz not. |
Omnes: | U 2 been sampling ***’s birthday gin already? |
Bethany [8]: | o noes! i 4got ur birthday, ***! i orders u sum tqt off ov moonpig roffle! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | ... E Gesbert in teh break... twisted firestarter lol! |
ETF Gesbert: | Shut! Up! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Lunchtiem! Set 'em up, Bardet, Barguil, Barkeep! M Smith & slave, do ur thing! |
| [...] |
M Smith & M Rogers: | Blah. M Matthews abandoned! Wooden D Friebe, interviews! |
GV Avermaet: | Bad. |
CP Sagan: | [Looking even more bewildered than uzhul] M Matthews iz abandon? Y he do that? But he not win snottyjumper neway because I, CP Sagan, win it! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | Closed town monks princess Rasputin! Swimming pools ha ha ha? |
M Rogers: | |
Omnes: | This Unit hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment! |
| [...] |
M Smith: | Nostalgia! Quimper Dr Teeth Anglophone trial blazer! |
M Rogers: | Yes! R Millar SO Grady SD Millar spikim Ing! |
C Boardmen: | What about us? |
M Smith & M Rogers: | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Intermediate sprint sprint sprintEEEE! Look, see, F Gardenia haz outsprant CP Sagan! |
SD Millar: | |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see, S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel haz launched teh assault attack on teh 1st climb! |
S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel: | Combativité LOL! Not bad 4 teh old git, hein? |
SD Millar: | He's going long! Going 4 teh stage win! |
N Boulting: | Long, and quite deep! |
Omnes: | Snk! Fnarr! Chortle! |
Bethany's Mum: | O RLY? Hell-ooooo, big boy! |
N Boulting: | M Cavendish! In trub! Will TD Data send riders back 2 help him? |
A Demare: | No team wud be that Stupidz! |
T FdJ: | Wnkr! |
N Bouhanni (via cuneiform tablet): | LOL @ A Demare & hiz amnesia! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | ... & S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel iz not going 4 teh stage win! |
ETF Gesbert: | Hullo clouds hullo $ky team car hullo ditch! Whoopsie! |
Omnes: | Ur top-tube descending 5k1llz r no match 4 C Froome's, ETF Gesbert! Haz u a misfire 2da, eh? |
ETF Gesbert: | Fck! Off! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Cha-Va! Wa-Wa! W Barguil made hiz impact quite a few years ago! |
G Thomas: | Yes. Yes, he did. On me! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | M Kitteh! In trub! Fat cat? |
M Kitteh: | Shut! Up! Mi! Aow! |
Bethany [8]: | o hai skools out wots hapnin? |
Omnes: | Hie thee 2 a distascope, Bethany [8]! S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel out front... |
N Boulting: | ... C Froome!!1! Mechanical! Drama! Xitement! Really wild things! |
T Things: | Who, us? |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Crash! A Yates! Off teh back! Disaster, doom and other Stuffs beginning wif "D"! |
N Boulting: | ... oh! It was M Nieve! As u were... |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | ...and teh roads round here r very good! |
ML Maire: | U looking at teh saem pictures as me, Super D? That 1 haz grass in teh middle! |
SD Millar: | [Improvising desperately] I said S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel's attack woz doomed all along! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Break doomed liek I bin saing all teh lieulong day! P Gilbert J Alaphilippe! |
N Boulting: | Yes. Also GV Avermaet C Froome V Nibbles and, 4 all I kno, Jarlin J Jarlinsson teh Colombian Viking! |
JJ Jarlinsson (via Gob): | U kno I'm not actually in teh race this year, ***? |
N Boulting: | Piss! I had a tenner on u 4 teh spottyjumper! |
| [After much speculation on teh destination ov teh spottyjumper] |
T Skujins: | Yay! Spottypoints! |
S Calamityjane: | Arse! |
S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel: | I unblock mi nose @ ur spottyambitions, T Skujins! |
T Skujins: | Not so fast, S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel! U haz 4got teh bonerfications! And so has ***! |
N Boulting & S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel: | Oh. Piss! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Look, see, teh pelican has S Calamityjane & T Skujins in its mitey beek! |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAWWWRRR! Bonerfications! |
GV Avermaet: | Yay! Bonerfications! |
T Skujins: | Cock! |
| [On teh final climb] |
N Boulting: | P Gilbert! GV Avermaet! S Colbrelli! J Alaphilippe! |
CP Sagan: | U lot really haz no idea, haz u? Also, tomorrow is another day! |
Omnes: | Wait... what? He hasn't sed "crazy" all da!!1! Iz he ill? |
NC Boardman: | CP Sagan, liek I sed all along... |
S ["Poisonous term" - Ed.]anel: | Wot u mene T Skujins pwns teh combativité 2da? FFS! |
Srsly.