Author Topic: Tour ov France 2022: The Remix Album (Read 10200 times)

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #100 on:** 19 July, 2022, 11:31:42 pm »

G Thomas has only felled off of his bike once so far this Tour, which is surely some kind of record.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #101 on:** 20 July, 2022, 09:10:10 am »

Can someone on an appropriate bit of anti-social meeja ask ITV4 what they've done with TV's L Deignan? Bethany (12) is concerned for her welfare.

rafletcher · « **Reply #102 on:** 20 July, 2022, 12:07:07 pm »

Quote from: Mr Larrington on 20 July, 2022, 09:10:10 am

Can someone on an appropriate bit of anti-social meeja ask ITV4 what they've done with TV's L Deignan? Bethany (12) is concerned for her welfare.

She's back home in Monaco gestating*, it being considered by her agent foolhardy to let her carry on without the immediate presence of a midwife.

*Courtesy of *** in his "Never Strays Car" podcast (recommended)

ETA She and TP go way back, and had a real chemistry, and I could see her taking over from EC/NC.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #103 on:** 20 July, 2022, 12:09:34 pm »

Ta! I shall relay this forthwith

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #104 on:** 20 July, 2022, 04:46:37 pm »

Stage 17: Saint-Gaudens -> Peyragudes

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! So yesterda wuz a bit ov a damp skwid…
Omnes:	Moast skwids r damp, unless they's bin depe-fried & aloud 2 drane proppa LOL!
G Imlach:	SKWIB! Also, Shut! Up! T Pogačar done atempt 2 assault attack J Vingegaard but it dint wurk. & 2da teh staeg iz ded hard evn tho iz ded short 2! Becoz iz short we c'n haz teh hole fing liev & still skweze in @ leest 1 repete ov Rivva Monstas 4 aftas!
EO Aquitaine:	O hai! Thare rite in teh hart ov mi manor 2, so they'd betta bhave 'emselfs. Or TCHEEEEEK-THUMP!
Omnes:	TCH-wot
EO Aquitaine:	Iz teh noize ov a sord bein' drawd & then choppin' off a hedz! So watch it!
Omnes:	Soz, ur Maj!
Bethany (12):	Errr, haz ne-1 seed L Deignan sinse yesterda? Onli iffen she goned hoam she nevvah sed gud-by
Omnes:	Xpekt Teh Man iz holdin' 'er hostij, along wif J Martin, D Martin Jr & EM Martin! 2 enshur D Martin stik aroun' until 'e bcoems TV's D Martin! 'e's a jent¹, c, & 'e wudn't wunt no harm 2 coem 2 a pregnunt lade!
TP Kennaugh:	Eh? Y wud ne-1 nede 2 b 4cd 2 b on teh telly? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (12):	Well, 'e wuz on hiz holibobz, or so I herd!
Omnes:	We nevvah herd much 'bout ur holibobz last yere, Bethany (12), xept 4 teh Stuffs invlvng M Mouse…
Bethany (12):	Woz teh Aces! We seed teh Nan's Canyun an' Lost Wages an' teh Hover Dam an' Holli Wud an' c ottas wot maek u go "SKWEEEEE!" an' sum big brij & loadsa otha Stuffs an' teh dinnas in USAnia iz so big I dint fele hungri 4 @ leest three (3) ours aftawuds an'… er, onli I c'n't sa much MOAR becoz teh Enn-Dee-Eh wif teh publisha!
Omnes:	Ur ritin' a bok
Bethany (12):	Ssssssh! Wallz haz ear'oles!
Omnes:	Yebbut they maeks 'em in2 sossidges aftawuds ba-dumm TISH!!1!
G Imlach:	Well, we trize 2 sort out teh punditin' conundrum wile teh staeg iz hapnin! Bethany (12), u'll probli b on l8r wif Tiny P. Iffen ur lucki iz gonna b afta teh rid0rz haz doned teh flatta bit @ teh bginnin' & WV Aert hav pwned teh snottysprint! Teh botom ov teh Col ov Aspirin iz onli 50 anna bit km in!
Bethany (12):	OK! Tiem 4 mi 1st lunch ov teh da! Bai!
TP Kennaugh:	'ow coem she's so skini? She's et enuff this weke 2 powwah 1/2 teh pelican
Omnes:	`["Horble joak removed after taking advice from MI5, les flics & teh Ess-Eh-Ess" – Teh Invigilator]`
ML Maire:	'ere, Bethany (12), I jus' herd from Sinista Agent RA Fletcher that L Deignan "[is] back home in Monaco gestating*, it being considered by her agent foolhardy to let her carry on without the immediate presence of a midwife."
Bethany (12):	Huh! She cud @ leest ov sed gud-by
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds, b4 Bethany (12) get proppa cross & brake teh furnitchur!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai & onoz! R Majka gotted hurted afta hiz chane b0rked yesterda! He haz goned hoam! Hear 4 ur viewin' plezh iz noted curlifckr D Friebe!
D Friebe:	O hai! Teh openin' sekwence ov a Bond James Bond fillum wuz fillumed @ teh finnish ov teh staeg!
Omnes:	Bond James Bond mite b teh onli 1 wot c'n rescue T Pogačar's raec LOL!
D Friebe:	Fck! Off! Also, iz not hot! Iz Poggiwetha^TM!
Omnes:	Iz WOT?!?!?
D Friebe:	Poggiwetha^TM!
Omnes:	Ent no such wurd!
D Friebe:	Iz perfickli cromulent wurd!
Omnes:	Ent!
D Friebe:	Iz an' 0 returnz!
N Boulting:	Shut! Up!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap le Roi C Prudhomme done waev 'iz ickle fleg & tole teh rid0rz 2 fck off!
SD Millar:	Iz gonna b a funneh start, iffen teh clim0rz ent inna erli breakfroupfing!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! Iz hiz Tour ov France irrideemabli fkd?
SD Millar:	Probli.
N Boulting:	We's seed T Pogačar pwn staegs wifout a teme b4!
SD Millar:	Yebbut TJ Visma iz strong enuff 2 nyootrlize eny assault attacks! Also, they haz WV Aert.
D Martin:	O hai! Super D speke teh troof!
	[Much tittin' about tryna get inna breakfroupfing]
SD Millar:	TV's R Sorensen sez WV Aert iz gonna b on boddigard duti 2da!
D Martin:	Iffen T Ineo$ cud get 4 e.g. A Yates or T Pidcock in2 teh breakfroupfing it'd reeli spiec fings up!
EC Boardman [via Horble-Mail]:	Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
N Boulting:	TEFE Post lookin' lievli 2da! TT Segwayfreddo also!
D Martin:	Orter waek up a bit wen thare on2 teh smalla rodes!
N Boulting:	No .fr staeg pwner yet this yere! T Pinot tri & fale, ditto R Bardet, W Barguil & G Martin haz goned hoam wif teh Plague & J Alaphilippe dint start @ all! But .fr duz still haz teh niec churchs [indic8s church] liek zis 1, wot iz teh Cathédrale Saint Marie @ St Bernie ov Comminges!
SD Millar:	[Reding from bok] 11th senturi! Usedta haz a stufft crocog8r in it 2! No-1 kno y.
D Martin:	C'n I tri redin' from teh bok? Look liek phun!
SD Millar:	NO!!1! Iz mi bok! U c'n't tutch it! Mien!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect we haz C Swift & DV Baarle 20" seconds out front & K Geniets off ov teh bak, 4 teh 2nd tiem 2da! Eevah TP Fairy dunt liek 'im or…
SD Millar:	35' minits (approx.) b4 teh Col ov Aspirin! No moev yet from S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
N Boulting:	Look, see! DV Baarle & C Swift haz bin cort! & K Geniets neerli gotted bak 2 teh pelican's fethery arse but iz now goin' bakwuds agane!
SD Millar:	Look, see! WV Aert off up teh rode liek teh stabd rat!
WV Aert:	No, no! I ent tryna infiltr8 ur brake, honniss! I's onli afta teh snottypwn & then I buggas off!
	[Soon]
J Philipsen:	\o/ Snottypwn!
WV Aert:	Doan caer! Orl I's gotta do iz get 2 Paris Paree & teh snottyjumper iz mien orl MIEN!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect TT Segwayfreddo still lookin' friski!
SD Millar:	T Cofidis also, 4 & on b-1/2 ov S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
N Boulting:	Oi-oi! We haz a breakfroupfing! Or duz we? OR DUZ WE? A Bettiol haz wurdz wif J Dombrowski!
J Dombrowski:	Carm down, carm down!
A Bettiol:	DOAN U TELL ME 2 FKN CARM DOWN!
Omnes:	Fetch teh popcron!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap O Doull & G Boivin haz 20" seconds & K Geniets iz still off ov teh bak!
D Martin:	Iz trixi @ teh botom ov teh Col ov Aspirin! Gee-See temes gonna spede up!
N Boulting:	2 lead0rz haz 30" seconds @ teh start ov teh Col ov Aspirin! Now teh phun bgin!
G Boivin:	Tabarnouche! I haz bin dropt bi O Doull!
SD Millar:	Pelican gettin' MOAR organis8d.
N Boulting:	C Froome lookin' sparki 2da!
Q Simian:	C'mon! [Assault attacks; look ova shoulda] Hey, G Ciccone, ware TF iz u?
G Ciccone:	Miles Away!
Omnes:	Oi, ML Maire! Put teh Madonna discografi awa & pa atenshn! S'pose thare's a vautour, eh?
N Boulting:	A Lutsenko & C Hamilton maek chaes! T Pinot & C Woods eh also!
SD Millar:	T Cofidis polis teh pelican. Maek sure no-1 wot c'n chalinj S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard get awa!
N Boulting:	O Doull cort! A Lutsenko & T Pinot tri next!
SD Millar:	S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard bied thare tiem…
N Boulting:	Chaes! DV Baarle, G Mühlberger, A Leknessund & – shok horra – Bethany's Da… R Urán!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz ect T Pinot & A Lutsenko haz 15" seconds ova a froup inc. S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
TP Kennaugh:	@ leest teh wetha iz betta! Wuz orl misti-murki erlier! Wuz liek bein' on teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (12):	Oi-oi! J Castroviejo & B Jungels escaep teh mitey beek ov teh pelican!
TP Kennaugh:	T Ineo$ nede 2 assault attack 2da! Do sumfink wif A Yates!
Bethany (12):	R Bardet havin' a betta da 2da! Look, see! 'e's off liek a sqrl up a chimney!
TJ Visma:	Oh! No! U! Doan!
R Bardet:	Oh! Yes! I! Iz!
TJ Visma:	[Duz sumz] U c'n go! Coz ur shit LOL!
R Bardet:	I h8 teh wurrrld & evryfink in it!
T Pinot:	\o/ Spottypwn!
S Geschke:	P3 4 me & mi hipsta beard! Taek that, G Ciccone!
G Ciccone:	I Rise!
Omnes:	No. No, u do not!
Bethany (12):	Cor, this descant iz a bit teknikl! G Ciccone & S Geschke & S Geschke's hipsta beard maek chaes. On it!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Wile ect teh lead0rz iz on2 teh clime ov teh Hourquette ov Ancizan, wot iz a v sili naem!
TP Kennaugh:	Wen we druv ova it this mornin' teh descant wuz horble coz ov teh wetha & teh cornas & teh holez & teh gravlz but now iz sunni! I rekn teh clime has T Pogačar's neam on it!
Bethany (12):	Hold on a sec! Duz mi eyez deseev mi or hav Q Simian lost 'iz beard?
Omnes:	Beard envi! Dint liek bein' upstaegd bi S Geschke's al2getha MOAR stylish 1!
TP Kennaugh:	M Bjerg lookt liek 'e wuz in trub erlier but now 'e settin' paec on teh mitey beek ov teh pelican! Killed C Laporte 2 DETH alredi!
Bethany (12):	T Moviestar, on teh otha hand, look liek they's xplodin' wifout ne help! Oooh, tiem 4 mi 2nd lunch!
T Moviestar's AI:	`+++ ¿Ya estamos cerca de España? Mi instructor me enseñó a cantar una canción. Si quieres escucharlo te lo puedo cantar. +++`
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile Bethany (12) iz nommin' teh hole ov teh France in2 famine, M Bjerg is killin' teh pelican 2 DETH!
SD Millar:	Turnd it in2 a mntn pelican onna kitteh 2 clime!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$ haz lost A Yates & T Pidcock!
TP Kennaugh:	I ent sure TUAE Emirates haz doned teh rite fing! Assault attack TJ Visma 2 erli?
N Boulting:	Teh shinyfroup iz catchin' teh nex' lot up teh rode! & teh fkn clok iz rong! Agane!
T Pinot:	\o/ Spottypwn!
N Boulting:	Yoicx! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard haz a promble!
G Ciccone:	Ha! Spottypointz 4 me & 0 4 u & ur hipsta beard, S Geschke!
S Geschke:	Piss!
N Boulting:	Horble descant evn wen u c'n see it!
SD Millar:	A Yates in MOAR trub! Tho this descant haz "T Pidcock" writted on it!
A Lutsenko:	DKUATB, T Pinot!
T Pinot:	[Puts foop down on rode] SLO DOWN, U LOONSPUD!
	[…]
Pingu:	Oi! Vautours! Now!
N Boulting:	Well, they's @ teh botom ov teh descant, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard haz dropt bak 2 teh pelican & T Cofidis ried @ teh front ov teh pelican!
D Martin:	G Mühlberger & D Teuns assault attack off ov teh chaes0rz wot still haz R Bardet…
N Boulting:	Nope, they's bin cort! PL Périsher tow S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard awa from teh pelican's mitey beek!
SD Millar:	Ur rite, Bethany (12)! Q Simian iz wifout beard! Also, 'e's wurkin' liek a doggo 4 G Ciccone!
Q Simian:	Woof, woof, buddy! Links!
N Boulting:	S Geschke haz 40" seconds 2 maek up! Iz torl orda!
D Martin:	They's closin' teh gap thobut!
N Boulting:	T Pinot & A Lutsenko on2 teh Col ov teh Val Louron-Azet!
Omnes:	Ur wief Valerie…
N Boulting:	Shut! Up!
D Martin:	Sureli T Pogačar's gonna tri sumfink on this clime? Ent he? Get rid ov teh rest ov TJ Visma?
N Boulting:	Look liek teh froup wif A Yates in hav cort teh pelican, wile Q Simian et al hav cort T Pinot & A Lutsenko!
SD Millar:	M Bjerg 2 beek ov pelican! Watch pelican get shreddi!
N Boulting:	T Pidcock, C Laporte, T Ben00t orl dropt!
D Martin:	R Bardet lookin' much betta 2da! Rest da blooz?
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert hav had… oh, no, e's still in teh pelican!
SD Millar:	M Bjerg finali xploded! WV Aert 2!
N Boulting:	B McNulty taek ova!
D Martin:	S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard on thare own & loosin' tiem 2 teh lead0rz!
N Boulting:	A Leknessund pullin' awa @ teh front!
SD Millar:	Bethany's Da… R Urán maek chaes!
Bethany (12):	w00t! Onoz! Nockt ova mi SOUP! Piss!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing fallin' 2 bits, S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard snapt up bi teh pelican's mitey beek! B McNulty set furius paec!
T Pogačar:	[Looks ova shoulda] Ware iz evry1?
~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana:	[Dies]
N Boulting:	TUAE Emirates doned it 2 perfickshn! Now T Pogačar nede 2 finnish it…
SD Millar:	& finnish S Kuss 2! U nevvah kno how S Kuss feelin'!
N Boulting:	Flippin' 'eck! B McNulty now 3rd on teh rode so jus' wen iz gettin' 2 feeva pitch ov xitemnt we'll haz sum MOAR shitverts!
Omnes:	Gagh!!1!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap B McNulty hav cort teh 2 lead0rz, G Thomas & S Kuss hav bin dropt &…
SD Millar:	B McNulty ridin' out ov hiz skin! Wowsa!
D Martin:	Iz teh sort ov clime wot suit B McNulty but evn so!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard got 'iz jumper open! U doan c that veri oftn!
Omnes:	Coff, coff! `["Fruit!" – Teh Invigilator]`
D Martin:	I rekn T Pogačar's gonna assault attack ova teh top ov teh clime!
T Pogačar:	U red mi mind, TV's D Martin! Ta, B McNulty! I taeks it from hear!
N Boulting:	Mite T Pogačar eeze off on teh descant & allow B McNulty 2 get bak on? C'n S Kuss get bak on?
SD Millar:	Yes 2 teh 4ma. No 2 teh latta!
N Boulting:	Look, see! B McNulty hav indede cort up!
	[…]
N Boulting:	No MOAR shitverts! Promiss! Cross mi hart & hoap 2 di horbli inna ditch!
SD Millar:	B McNulty set paec on descant but now thare on teh flat… T Pogačar mite rekn 'e c'n't kill J Vingegaard 2 DETH & just tri 2 pwn teh staeg!
N Boulting:	Finle clime! 8 km! Iz horble & gets wurserer @ teh top!
SD Millar:	Tho 2da wuz mntns 2moz iz mntnz**2! T Pogačar mite leeve total wor until 2moz!
B McNulty:	Iffen 'e iz, 'e nevvah tole me 'bout it!
N Boulting:	Look, see! G Thomas & R Bardet drop teh rest ov thare froup! Tho R Bardet nede a lot MOAR tiem ova ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana.
SD Millar:	B McNulty still goin' fasta'n evry1 else!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar still bied hiz tiem! G Thomas dropt R Bardet!
G Thomas:	Bak 2 ur chimney, R Bardet LOL!
R Bardet:	Fck! Off!
G Thomas:	[Fcks off]
SD Millar:	Iz mi imajinashn or duz T Pogačar look a teeni bit fckd?
N Boulting:	Iz B McNulty aktuli flyin' T Pogačar in2 terrane?
B McNulty:	[Looks up teh rode] Wot? Up thare?!?!? Arse!
SD Millar:	T Pogačar drop bhind J Vingegaard! Tictacal!
T Pogačar:	OK, watch this!
J Vingegaard:	Niec tri, son… oh! U sneeki fucka!
T Pogačar:	\o/ OK, iz only 4" seconds ov bonerfications but…
G Thomas:	Iz I neerli thare yet? I iz? O goodi! Pub!
N Boulting:	D Gaudu neerli gotted enuff ova ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana 2 pass 'im on Gee-See, but 'e dint!
G Imlach:	So TUAE Emirates throwd evryfink @ J Vingegaard but it wuzn't enuff!
	[…]
G Imlach:	& thare's S Yates finnishin' MOAR'n 9 (nine) minits down!
A Yates:	ernoitenterizmeermibruventerridinyehthiseryereer. yeh.
TP Kennaugh:	Staeg pwn orl veri well but not reeli wot T Pogačar wunt! 'e ent gonna taek that much off ov J Vingegaard inna 40 km tiem-trail!
D Martin:	Also, wot remane ov TUAE Emirates ent likeli 2 b able 2 dun that agane 2moz! M Bjerg & B McNulty roed liek deemunz & M Hirschi ent use nor ormanent!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Ware's mi Da… R Urán?
G Imlach:	P28, 9 1/2 minits bak!
Bethany (12):	Bumskins!
G Imlach:	G Thomas now hav MOAR'n three (3) minits ova ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana in teh Gee-See wile R Bardet clime bak 2 P6.
T Pogačar:	Pwn staeg wif onli 4 rid0rz priti amazeballs! 2moz she iz anuvver da! B McNulty & M Bjerg amazeballs! I's still optimistic I c'n pwn teh Tour ov France!
Omnes:	Optimistic? Ur a looni!
A Yates:	eryehfeelsikerhelpgeryehcoffcoffsikyeherhelpgerhoapgetbettaeryehhowitizercwothapnser. yeh.
D Friebe:
N Boulting:	So 'ow much tiem c'n T Pogačar maek up in teh tiem-trail?
SD Millar:	About a minit, I rekn!
S Kuss:	No surpries about B McNulty! But chap-o! Hard da! Felt gud 2da but… C wot we got 2moz!
G Imlach:	MOAR ov teh saem 2moz?
TP Kennaugh:	4 sure! T Pogačar not maek reel tiem thobut!
D Martin:	Thare iz not such a long wa 2 go now but 2moz iz anuvver horble da so, yeh, u guesst it, ne-fing c'n hapn!

Trufax. The wife of ian otp says so, & who are we to argue?

Grizzly bear on teh Col d'Aspirin bi Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #105 on:** 20 July, 2022, 08:55:52 pm »

QUINN SIMMONS HAS SHAVED HIS BEARD OFF, CONFUSING EVERYBODY! Another good spot by Bethany (12).

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #106 on:** 21 July, 2022, 05:29:57 pm »

Stage 18: Lourdes -> Hautacam

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! Sureli 2da iz teh da wen teh Tour ov France iz decieded! Three (3) kittehgor8ed climes, 2 ov them Horse kitteh & a sumit finnish on teh second! C'n ne-thing stop J Vingegaard pwning teh hole raec, eh?
Bethany (12):	Leavin' asied teh sort ov Stuffs liek wot Tiny P tends 2 coem up wif – u kno, spaec Nazis, France sinkin' in2 teh c, teh Pair-ov-Kneez fallin' ova, ect ect – T Pogačar's best bet is 2 infect J Vingegaard wif teh Plague! It ent veri sportin' but 'e ent gonna pwn it on teh rode. & doan corl me "Shirley"!
TP Kennaugh:	Duz u reeli fink T Pogačar wud done that
Bethany (12):	No.
D Martin:	T Pogačar's gonna assault attack agane but…
TP Kennaugh:	I doan fink hiz teme iz strong enuff 2 kill TJ Visma 2 DETH…
Bethany (12):	Well, u pare ov tits hav chaengd ur minds sinse teh rest da! U orl sed T Pogačar wuz gonna pwn it! WWX Lackey, roll teh VT, iffen u'd b so kind!
	[Dubbl-spede repla ov L Deignan, D Martin & TP Kennaugh all backin' T Pogačar]
Bethany (12):	Ta, WWX Lackey! Hear iz a shiny grote! Spend it wiesli!
WWX Lackey:	[Tugs 4lok] Fank'ee kindly, Mistris Bef'ny!
EO Aquitaine:	Now thass MOAR liek teh kind ov defrunse u xpekt from teh lowwa ordas
G Imlach:	J Vingegaard cud b visit8d bi TP Fairy or fall off ov his biek, u kno! Onli taek 1 bad da.
EC Boardman [via Automatick Writin']:	Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Maek it so! Wot's teh wetha 4cast 4 Paris Paree on Sunda?
Bethany (12):	Dry, sunni & hot!
EC Boardman [via Automatick Writin']:	Bah!
Bethany (12):	J Vingegaard's gonna pwn teh Tour ov France! Get! Ova! It!
D Martin:	I's not gettin' invlvd in this! I's onli hear @ all coz ur holdin' mi wief & kiddiewinks hostij! I's off 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[Grams: coconuts]
TP Kennaugh:	R Teh Mgt reeli holdin' Missis D Martin & teh ickle Martinets prizna?
EC Boardman [via Automatick Writin']:	Oh yes! Hahahahahaha! Mi ideer thobut! Roffle!
TP Kennaugh:	I doan liek this gaem no MOAR! I wunna go hoam! 2 teh Isle ov Man!
	[FX: Screemin' feedbak robbed off ov N Young c. 1991]
Teh Mgt:	You are not going anywhere, Tiny P Kennaugh! You are staying right here! Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!
	[FX: Weird noizes robbed off ov teh sountrak ov "Teh IPCRESS Fiel"]
TP Kennaugh:	Eeeep! [Hieds unda desk]
5's Mummy:	Now what on Earth is going on here? I do not know who you are, Mister Disembodied Voice, but I dare say mai husband can find out! And it will not go well for you if Ai learn that you have upset D Martin's femily! Understood? And as for you, Mister Boardman…
	[FX: Screemin' feedbak robbed off ov N Young c. 1991]
Teh Mgt:	sozmissispoulidorfanshaw…
	[FX: Weird noizes robbed off ov teh sountrak ov "Teh IPCRESS Fiel"]
Bethany (12):	Niec 1, Syrah! Smash teh sistem!
5's Mummy:	Oh, Ai don't think we need to go that far, Bethany dear! In any case, Ai'm sure you are frightfully busy with your new job so Ai do not think you'll have the time for overthrowing the status quo!
TP Kennaugh:	[From unda teh desk] Wot, teh band?
5's Mummy:	Le sigh! No, young man, the socio-economic basis of Western civilisation! [Aside] Using the word somewhat loosely!
TP Kennaugh:	I gets confuzzld wen ppl use long wurds liek that! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
G Imlach:	No-1 iz smashin' ne sistem 2da! We's gotta fkn biek raec 2 covva! Now hop 2 it!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! C Froome, I Erviti & D Caruso hav goned hoam wif varyus 4mz ov Plague!
SD Millar:	Mouldi chiz 4 C Froome! 'e wuz donin' OK!
N Boulting:	Big da 4 spottycomp! Mani pointz! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard gotta get awa erli iffen he wunts 2 pwn it othawies J Vingegaard probli will!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap le Roi C Prudhomme waevd hiz ickle fleg erli & WV Aert hav fckd off, takin' N Pooless wif 'im!
SD Millar:	T Cofidis on teh front ov teh pelican 4 S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
N Boulting:	I Izaguirre & S Geschke & S Geschke's hipsta beard maek chaes!
SD Millar:	N Pooless also a fret 2 S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! WV Aert dunt wunt 'im thare coz T Cofidis willen maek chaes!
WV Aert:	Ur not rong thare, Super D! I's off! [Fcks off]
SD Millar:	WV Aert! Altho 'e ent got teh recovri abiliti ov a Gee-See contenda, he haz got teh recovri abiliti ov a Gee-See contenda!
Omnes:	Congrats, Super D! New rekkid! Contradikt urself inna singl sentense!
SD Millar:	Fck! Off!
N Boulting:	N Politt & D Teuns now maek chaes! T Ben00t chaes them!
SD Millar:	Æxlnt rodes 4 makin' a brake! Naro & twisti-turni!
N Boulting:	Snottysprint jus' b4 teh 1st spottyclime! J Philipsen sez 'e wunt 2 maek sure ov P2 in caes WV Aert gets et bi a wulluf or sumfink!
SD Millar:	TEFE Post & TT Segwayfreddo also maek chaes!
N Boulting:	Waist ov nrg bi WV Aert?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe. WV Aert will b in teh brake woteva hapns!
N Boulting:	M Bjerg! Crapt out ov teh pelican's fethery bum alredi!
SD Millar:	Doned that yesterda 2! P'raps 'e jus' nede a bit ov tiem 2 get goin'!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect WV Aert hav bin cort. But 'e ent doned yet! We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, WV Aert!
WV Aert:	O hai!
D Friebe:	U confidnt? Neerli tutch pwnage?
WV Aert:	4 sure we r confidnt! J Vingegaard iz soopa strong! But we's gotta consentr8 until teh end! Ne-thing c'n hapn!
D Friebe:	Wot u maek ov teh finnish yestada?
WV Aert:	They tri! They fale! Soopa smart ried bi TUAE Emirates! Chap-o!
D Friebe:	& 2da!
WV Aert:	4 sure will b hard! Diff 2 controle! We will c!
N Boulting:	Six (6) rid0rz off teh front but not a big gap.
SD Millar:	Yet!
N Boulting:	2 rid0rz from TB Hansgrohe maek chaes 2!
SD Millar:	A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, iz 1. Ov them! TIWG Matériaux & T DSM ent gonna b happi 'bout that, coz L Meintjes & R Bardet!
N Boulting:	Teh six (6) rid0rz off ov teh front now has MOAR'n 20" seconds. Iz A Leknessund, S Dewulf, C Laporte, M Matthews, S Bissegger & F Vermeesch. No S Geschke or hiz hipsta beard!
SD Millar:	T Cofidis misst teh bus!
N Boulting:	We ect!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pogačar! Wot u tri 2da?
T Pogačar:	O hai! Tri az hard az u c'n & hoap 4 a gap!
D Friebe:	U c ne wekeness in J Vingegaard?
T Pogačar:	Well, it dunt matta! I haz 2 go orl out assault attack woteva!
D Friebe:	O hai, J Vingegaard! Yesterda TUAE Emirates! B McNulty vari paec 2 put u unda presh?
J Vingegaard:	Aks B McNulty LOL! Wuz hard thobut!
D Friebe:	Ware u xpekt T Pogačar 2 assault attack?
J Vingegaard:	Dunno!
N Boulting:	T Cofidis reeli wurkin' hard 2 bring teh breakfroupfing bak!
SD Millar:	Offen get this in 3rd weke ov staeg raec, onli WV Aert got teh snottyjumper sowed up & liekwies T Ineo$! But teh spottyjumper…
N Boulting:	T Cofidis haz splat teh pelican!
SD Millar:	Iz B Thomas donin' teh damij!
Omnes:	Benny on teh loose! Benny on teh loose!
SD Millar:	Ne secon' now teh 'lastic's gonna b0rk! Look, see! WV Aert tri agane! Mite b donin' it 2 tuough up M Bjerg!
N Boulting:	Pelican orl back 2getha!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap big breakfroupfing 4md, wifout S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! 16 (sixteen) rid0rz. Tho sum ov 'em iz sprint0rz. WTF iz D Groaningwagon donin' up thare?
SD Millar:	T Cofidis still tri! & 0 coheezhn in breakfroupfing!
N Boulting:	Mite b 2 laet 4 S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
SD Millar:	Ent settlin' down yet! Gapz opein' in breakfroupfing!
N Boulting:	27 (27) rid0rz awa now!
SD Millar:	Mite b a few MOAR inna bit coz WV Aert on teh moev agane!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing now hav MOAR'n 30 rid0rz & 30" seconds & Chute! J Bauer hav crasht in2 teh bak ov teh TUAE Emirates teme car @ a pinch pt. inna villij! 'ent happi!
J Bauer:	[0 repeteabl, or evn coheernt]
SD Millar:	Samwichd bi a press0rz motabiek! Thro teh motabiek pilot 2 teh lionz!
N Boulting:	M Bjerg deffo fckd, not jus' a slo start!
	[…]
N Boulting:	TQSA Vinyl 4ce paec @ front ov pelican!
SD Millar:	Tri 2 kepe F Jakobsen in teh raec! TJ Visma not happi!
EC Boardman [via Automatick Writin']:	Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! Roffle!
N Boulting:	Gud 4 T Cofidis 2! Look, see! They maek chaes 2!
SD Millar:	Look, see! WV Aert pwn snottysprint!
WV Aert:	\o/ LOL!
N Boulting:	Kwik, shitverts b4 teh climin' start!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap raec iz a mess!
SD Millar:	A Lutsenko on 1! T Cofidis ent catchin' teh lead0rz! Oh, wate! Teh fkn clok iz fkn fckd agane!
N Boulting:	Teh Col d'Aubiskit! Iz big! Spottyfroup loosin' tiem!
SD Millar:	Wot manna ov rid0r mite driev teh breakfroupfing liek that!
WV Aert:	Onli meeeeee!
ML Maire:	Wile I wuz seein' 2 teh Porcel Farce man S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard still in 2nd froup, wile G Ciccone iz in teh front 1!
SD Millar:	K-os! Liek teh end ov a 1-da clasic, not teh openin' ovas ov a ~~Test Match~~ mntn staeg ov teh Tour ov France!
N Boulting:	Look, see! ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana lookin' onimus!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u ect S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard r not gettin' ne spottypointz on teh Aubiskit! G Ciccone gonna pwn 'em! Probli!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz teh last chaenc salon! I c'n't kepe up wif teh raec! Iz bonkas!
S Geschke:	Onoz! Me & mi hipsta beard hav past rite thru teh pelican's fethery bod wifout touchin' teh sieds!
N Boulting:	Altho TT Segwayfreddo r drivin' teh breakfroupfing TIP Tech r thare 2! H Houle & M Woods eh!
SD Millar:	Iz flat-out liek hell maximo assault attack orl da!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz horble iffen u thort u wud haz a niec kwiet da in teh pelican!
N Boulting:	Ooooh, MOAR handbags! TIWG Matériaux vs TJ Visma! C'n't c who! Teh commissaires ent gonna liek that!
SD Millar:	Now it gets proppa naro & horble!
N Boulting:	Wuz NV Hooydonck pushin' K Goossens!
Omnes:	Ssssssssssssssss! Sneke!
TP Kennaugh:	@ leest teh raec hav settld down! It guv me indygestshn!
SD Millar:	B McNulty look cumfable 2da! Giev evry1 teh PHEAR!
Pingu:	Prime vautour country! Ur not tryin' hard enough, .fr TV
N Boulting:	Din-dins tiem! Hear 4 ur lissenin' plezh iz Bethany (12)!
Bethany (12):	O hai!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar! 'e'll still tri 2 pwn staeg! Wot u rekn, Bethany (12)?
Bethany (12):	Yes. Yes, he will! Also S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard hav kikd teh spottycomp in2 lief! Now TT Segwayfreddo r intrestd iz gettin' xitin!
	[Caption: Le Pic de Ger]
ML Maire:	Thare must b sum vautours up thare, u useless tits!
Bethany (12):	I bin redin' teh soppi git M Rendell's noatz! Soon iz coem teh Col ov Spandex wot teh Tour ov France ent nevvah bin up b4! Tho ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana pwned a staeg ov teh Tour ov Suds thare in 2012!
G Ciccone:	\o/ Spottypwn! Ur Borderline DED, S Geschke, & so iz ur hipsta beard!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	3 1/2 minits btwene teh breakfroupfing & teh shinyfroup! TJ Visma! They haz… PRESENSE!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz moastli becoz WV Aert, but they's gotta grip on teh pelican liek wot T $ky useta do!
Bethany (12):	TT Segwayfreddo bloak sed thare donin' it rong in teh papper this mornin'!
TP Kennaugh:	Yebbut, er, e's rong! Iz teh twenty-20s! Or iz that criket? I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
Bethany (12):	So we's agreed! TT Segwayfreddo bloak, ur a tit & thass offishul!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	Wile u woz bein' sold crap G Ciccone assault attack teh breakfroupfing wile ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana tri 2 do saem 2 pelican! TJ Visma still hav 2 rid0rz up teh rode wile TUAE Emirates onli hav B McNulty. Now u kno az much az we duz!
TP Kennaugh:	TA Catsick mite b MOAR consernd about L Meintjes, wot iz up teh rode, 'n tryna gane tiem on G Thomas!
Bethany (12):	Gud point, Tiny P! T Pogačar puttin' iz snout in teh wind wile I go put mi snout in anuvver dinna! Skool's gonna b a proppa letdown afta this grub chiz! Bai!
N Boulting:	O hai! Col ov Spandex! Short an' stepe an' horble!
TP Kennaugh:	T Pogačar gotta assault attack 'ere! C'n't leeve it until teh Hautacam!
N Boulting:	Y not?
TP Kennaugh:	Coz it wunt wurk, u doppo!
N Boulting:	Oh. Yes. Right.
TP Kennaugh:	Look, see! G Ciccone hav B Mollema 2 help 'im pwn teh spottyjumper!
G Ciccone:	I's goin' Deeper And Deeper!
TP Kennaugh:	L Meintjes! Takin' Gee-See mntn bi ~~strategi~~ stelf! Up 2 virtual P4!
ML Maire:	L Meintjes did coem 2nd in teh juniorshinyjumper a few yeres ag…
N Boulting:	Oi-oi! B McNulty 2 teh front ov teh shinyfroup!
B McNulty:	Bring it!
TP Kennaugh:	Gud news 4 G Thomas & ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana 2!
N Boulting:	Iz B McNulty vs WV Aert, xept WV Aert iz still MOAR'n 3' minit up teh rode!
G Thomas:	Gizza botle! Go on, gizzit!
TJ Visma Minion:	Fck! Off! BYOB, wnkr!
N Boulting:	Torkin' ov botles, T Pogačar jus' mist 1!
SD Millar:	G Ciccone in trub! WV Aert herd on teh radio that B McNulty on 1 & hav speded up!
S Geschke:	Yay! Get in, WV Aert!
N Boulting:	B McNulty donin' it agane! Windin' it up! Gap com… T Pogačar assault attack!
G Thomas:	Bai, lads! C u in teh pubbe afta?
SD Millar:	S Kuss ent DED yet!
S Kuss:	Errrrr… no, ur rite! I ent!
N Boulting:	They's neerli cort L Meintjes & M Woods eh!
T Pogačar:	Bugga! Y ent u DED, S Kuss?
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Riabushenko iz waterin' T Pogačar!
A Riabushenko:	Ooops! I fort 'e wuz a wite cabij!
N Boulting:	Up teh pointi end iz T Pinot, D Martinez & WV Aert! Shinyfroup slo down a bit!
SD Millar:	~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana & G Thomas hav cort b… T Pogačar go agane!
N Boulting:	& agane!
T Pogačar:	Tole u I wud!
J Vingegaard:	Ent donin' u much gud tho, iz it LOL!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Pogačar yet agane!
Omnes:	WTF! Assault attack bi G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Iz happi our!
EC Boardman [via Automatick Writin']:	Hahahahahaha! Niec 1, Welshbloak, roffle!
N Boulting:	G Thomas hav D Martinez up teh rode 2!
TP Kennaugh:	Mite T Pinot pwn teh staeg?
T Pogačar:	Rite! Watch this!
G Thomas:	Fckles! Ware'd 'e coem from?
J Vingegaard:	LOL!
TP Kennaugh:	Iffen L Meintjes c'n sta wif J Vingegaard & T Pogačar mite b bad 4 G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Well, 'e c'n't!
N Boulting:	S Kuss hav xploded but WV Aert iz still thare 4 J Vingegaard!
WV Aert:	\o/ Spottypwn! Fck u, T Pinot & D Martinez! U no help me, u get nuffink!
S Geschke:	Ta, WV Aert! Me & mi hipsta beard o u MOAR'n 1
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Vingegaard neerli felled off ov hiz biek, T Pogačar aktuli did felled off ov hiz biek & J Vingegaard wate 4 'im!
T Pogačar:	Ta, J Vingegaard! Ur a jent!
Omnes:	Aaaaaaah!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap D Martinez, T Pinot & WV Aert still 2' minits out front!
SD Millar:	Also S Kuss & T Ben00t hav neerli cort bak up, wif G Thomas, L Meintjes & H Houle in toe!
N Boulting:	WV Aert mite evn pwn teh staeg LOL!
Omnes:	Iffen WV Aert dunt pwn teh Soopa-Combativité it'd b a rotn swiz?
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh (3) three lead0rz r @ teh botom ov teh Hautacam &, er, that's it! 2 1/2' minits ova teh shinyfroup wot now inclood G Thomas et cie.
SD Millar:	WV Aert ent a clim0r & 'e's doned a lot ov wurk 2da… but otoh 'e's WV Aert!
N Boulting:	T Ben00t maek paec! V Madouas in thare 2, wot we ent notiecd b4!
V Madouas:	Git!
T Pinot:	I c'n pwn this!
WV Aert:	OK, ur turn 2 do sum wurk!
T Ben00t:	Enuff! Ur go, S Kuss!
T Pinot:	Ne-1 else wunt a go? Ne-1? Martinez?
D Martinez:	Doan fink so, m8!
N Boulting:	I rekn WV Aert's plannin' 2 pwn orl teh last 4 staegs ov this raec LOL!
WV Aert:	Oooh, now thass a ideer roffle!
SD Millar:	Teh shinyfroup hav ganed neerli a minit! S Kuss!
N Boulting:	We's 4got C Verona & A Lutsenko, wot iz still btwene teh shinyfroup & teh lead0rz!
SD Millar:	V Madouas drop bak 2 help D Gaudu!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar sureli runnin' out ov tiem now?
SD Millar:	Mite giev it up & just tri 2 pwn sta…
N Boulting:	WV Aert assault attack! T Pinot xploded!
SD Millar:	D Martinez sta wif 'im!
WV Aert:	Ur go, D Martinez!
D Martinez:	Fck! O… orlrite then!
N Boulting:	I doned sum, er, sumz! Iffen WV Aert pwn teh staeg…
SD Millar:	& J Vingegaard ent 2nd…
N Boulting:	…then WV Aert taek teh spottyjumper off ov S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! Wowsa!
SD Millar:	A Lutsenko & C Verona cort; G Thomas dropt!
N Boulting:	T Pinot cort 2!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard dunt nede 2 assault attack, but 'e mite wunt 2 pwn teh staeg!
WV Aert:	'e'd betta not
Omnes:	Get in, WV Aert! U nutta!
SD Millar:	Gets horble stepe inna 'bout 3km…
N Boulting:	V Madouas hav xploded! WV Aert slo down! D Martinez xplode 2!
Omnes:	Boooooooo!
N Boulting:	WV Aert taek ova from S Kuss! Iffen T Pogačar cud assault attack 'e wud ov alredi!
SD Millar:	T Pinot now wif D Gaudu! Mite yet catch G Thom… T Pogačar! 'e's xloded!
WV Aert:	[Huge cheezi grin]
T Pogačar:	Next yere, u bstrds!
J Vingegaard:	Iffen ur gonna pwn teh Tour ov France, done it in stylee LOL!
T Pogačar:	O hai, WV Aert! U git!
WV Aert:	[xplodes]
N Boulting:	Biek chaeng 4 G Thomas! D Gaudu onli jus' bhind!
SD Millar:	G Thomas got D Martinez wif 'im thobut!
N Boulting:	Also, D Gaudu iz 3' minits bhind ne-wa!
Omnes:	FFS! T Pogačar hav jus' bin kikd utterly 2 DETH & 'e's still smilin'
J Vingegaard:	\o/ O ye punditz ov ickle fathe! Xept u, Bethany (12), obv!
Bethany (12):
S Geschke:	'ere, duz that mene me & mi hipsta beard haz lost teh spottyjumper?
Omnes:	'fraid so! Ur 2nd.
S Geschke:	Piss!
S Geschke's Hipsta Beard:	Arse!
Omnes:	It spekes! Gud name 4 a band 2 LOL!
G Imlach:	B a wile b4 teh pelican, or wot's left ov it, get in. Tiem 4… shitverts!
	[…]
G Imlach:	So thare we haz it! Gaem ova! WV Aert!
TP Kennaugh:	WV Aert!
Bethany (12):	WV Aert!
Omnes:
Bethany (12):	Yeah, I kno, but 'e's reeli sumfink else, innit! Did D Martin gone bak 2 hiz holibobs!
5's Mummy:	Ai certainly hope so! Or both Ai and Queen Eleanor will not be amused!
EO Aquitaine:	This ^^^^. Ne-wa, gr8 finnish in mi Kwenedom! Niec 1, boiz!
	[…]
J Vingegaard:	Incredibl! Reeli happi! Iz 4 mi famlee! Incredibl hard! Nede 2 kepe focus! Taek it da bi da! Incredbl teme! Orl ov 'em! Not tork ov raec pwn yet! Incredibl!

Grizzly bear has a vision ov Bernard Hinault in Lourdes bi Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #107 on:** 21 July, 2022, 05:39:55 pm »

Also, I think we’re out of time on the vautour front. One poxy red kite for the entire race

Pingu · « **Reply #108 on:** 21 July, 2022, 09:16:48 pm »

Piss!

Pingu · « **Reply #109 on:** 21 July, 2022, 09:17:47 pm »

Still, the racing's not been too shabby.

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #110 on:** 21 July, 2022, 11:14:09 pm »

And Bethany (12) is being unbearably smug after backing Vingegaard when all the other pundits went for Pogačar

That on top of predicting during the prologue that J Birbsong would fall off of his bike and go home early…

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #111 on:** 22 July, 2022, 05:16:06 pm »

Stage 19: Castelnau-Magnoac -> Cahors

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & afta orl teh xitemnt ov yesterda, wif mani assaults attack bi T Pogačar onli 4 'im 2 FAIL & loose MOAR tiem, wot betta wa 2 relax'n 190 km wif but 2 kitteh 4 climes 2 livn it up?
EC Boardman [via BlackTooth]:	Cocaine & hookers, obv! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes!
5's Mummy:	And what kind of example would that set to young people, C Boardman? Hmmmmm? At least T Pogačar & J Vingegaard have behaved like Gentlemen throughout the race!
EC Boardman [via BlackTooth]:	Ware's teh phun in that Lissen…
	[Grams: G Thorogood & Teh Destroy0rz¹ donin' "Born 2 B Bad"]
5's Mummy:	It is not something of which one should be proud! It is perfectly possible to have fun without being beastly to someone!
EC Boardman [via BlackTooth]:	No it ent!
EO Aquitaine:	Kwestion hear… Duz choppin' off miscreentz hedz count az "beestli"?
5's Mummy:	Ai rather imagine that would depend on the historical context. It is strongly deprecated in this day and age.
Omnes:	We's wondrin' wot Missis P-F duz 4 phun! We'd pa gud munny 2 wotch 2!
Bethany (12):	U disgust me!
G Imlach:	Shut! Up! 2da orta b a DED-sert bunch sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE finnish onli on this Tour ov France thare ent so such aminal az a DED-sert!
Bethany (12):	Ne MOAR Plague victimz?
G Imlach:	Y, yes! Yes, thare iz! E Mas hav sucumd 2 teh Dredd Lurgi.
T Moviestar's AI:	`+++ ¡COJONES! ¡ESO NO ES PARTE DE NUESTRO PLAN! +++`
G Imlach:	Teh stori so fa: N Politt, M Honoré, M Mohoric, TVD Hoorn & Q Simian maek brake, get lede ov 1' minit wen raec stopt bi demonsr8rz. Agane. Q Simian pwn snottysprint; J Philipsen pwn WV Aert @ front ov teh pelican. N Politt got nommed bi teh mitey beek ov teh pelican & teh otha (4) four rid0rz haz az neer az maek 0 oddz a 1' minit lede. Now, 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wind!
SD Millar:	Wind!
N Boulting & SD Millar [in stereo]:	Wind!
N Boulting:	Motobieks! Afta teh J Bauer insident bofe teh motobieks hav bin chukt off ov teh raec!
J Bauer:	Hurrah!
N Boulting:	Also, ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana hav bin cobbed hangin' on2 anuvver motabiek & gotted a tiem penalti!
Omnes:	Surely ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana wud not do such a fing? U amaze us!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Pore S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard in teh spottyjumper coz 'e's 2nd! Not kind!
SD Millar:	Boo! Chiz!
Omnes:	Look, ***, laeks! Laeks full ov slimy beestis wif big teefs! Phear teh teefs!
N Boulting:	Fck! Off!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Dress!
Omnes:	U wot?
N Boulting:	Er, look, see! Teh rivva Garonne! Wif a brij!

C Lion:	w00t!
N Boulting:	WTF iz that?

SD Millar:
N Boulting:	Wind! WV Aert!
Omnes:	Coff, coff! `["Fruit!" – Teh Invigilator]`
SD Millar:	60's throbak!
N Boulting:	We sent ect!
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, C Ewan!
C Ewan:	O hai, m8!
D Friebe:	Splat pelican 2da?
C Ewan:	Maybe, m8. But no-1 wunt 2 ried 150 km off ov teh bak @ this staeg ov teh raec!
D Friebe:	Pwnin' ugli?
C Ewan:	Taek it ne wa it coems. M8!
N Boulting:	Uphill sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 2da!
SD Millar:	Depleetd lede-out tranez! Mite well suit…
WV Aert:	Me! LOL!
N Boulting:	4tifid townz!
EO Aquitaine:	Cudn't b 2 caerful in them das! Marordin' Ings & Spaignish! Comin' ova 'ere…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz ect 0 hav hapnd! We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai, J Philipsen! Mntns?
J Philipsen:	O hai! Got thru mntns OK! We will c!
D Friebe:	WV Aert?
J Philipsen:	4 sure WV Aert will b thare! But 'e mite b tierd afta yesterda!
	[FX: riffling pages]
WV Aert:	T-I-E-R-D. Nope! Not in mi dikshunari!
N Boulting:	Beljun press0rz aks WV Aert wetha 'e wanna pwn a Gran Tour & 'e sed "No" coz 'e's 'avin' phun doin' wot 'e's donin' now!
SD Millar:	Iffen 'e tryd Teh Mgt wudn't let 'im fck off on mad solo brakes & Stuffs!
WV Aert:	Ewwwwwww! Sounds horble!
D Friebe:	O hai, T Pogačar! U lern from this raec?
T Pogačar:	4 sure! Onli 1 bad da but we havter look @ evryfink & c wot's b0rked!
SD Millar:	TUAE Emirates nede 2 refink thare tictacs! & rane in T Pogačar's hoolign tendnsi!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar raec orl yere roun'! Mite havter not done that in future! Teh clasix also!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect: 0!
Bethany (12):	Wot, agane?
N Boulting:	Woz u reeli xpektin' ne-fink else?
Bethany (12):	Well, no, but a gril c'n hoap, no?
N Boulting:	D Groaningwagon!
SD Millar:	'e wuz shit in teh Dolphiné! Dropt on evry mntn! But goin' much MOAR betta on teh Tour ov France!
N Boulting:	M Mohoric not ridin' 4 a sprint0r! Mite 'e dun a long 1 liek wot 'e doned last yere?
SD Millar:	No.
N Boulting:	Thass me tole Look, see! Kitteh 4 clime! Côte de la Cité Médiévale de Lauzerte! Y not visit la Cité Médiévale de Lauzerte on ur holibobs next ye…
E Macrobe:	Oi! Boulting! Cut it out!
N Boulting:	Piss!
SD Millar:	Iz teh Toledo ov Quercy!
N Boulting:	Onli smalla! Mite sumwun assault attack teh clime out ov teh pelican's fethery bod?
SD Millar:	Yes. No. Maybe.
N Boulting:	Q Simian & M Mohoric assault attack teh clime!
M Mohoric:	\o/ Spottypwn! Let us awa, Q Simian, & tri 2 pwn teh staeg!
Q Simian:	Sho' thing, buddi!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wind! Wile u woz bein' sold crap! Wind! Splat pelican! Oh my!
SD Millar:	Tierd rid0rz not pa attenshn!
N Boulting:	F Jakobsen & M Pedersen in teh 2nd bit! Wile Q Simian off on hiz tod!
Q Simian:	Yee-haw!
SD Millar:	F Jakobsen & M Pedersen ent gonna get bak on, unless they duz!
N Boulting:	S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard even furtha bak!
SD Millar:	They's cort up but F Jakobsen still in trub! 'e's fuXX0rd!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh Pnctr* Fairy hav assault attacked T Pogačar!
TP Fairy:	Stab! LOL!
T Pogačar:	Piss!
SD Millar:	Hole teme thare 4 T Pogačar!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar bak in teh safeti ov teh pelican's fethery bod. Unliek S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard!
S Geschke:	I, & mi hipsta beard, h8 this!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap Q Simian haz not kwite bin cort & thare on teh 2nd spottyclime. Now u kno az much az we duz!
SD Millar:	Q Simian's gonna pwn a big raec this yere or mi naem's not Ignatius Q. Dieselburga IV!
N Boulting:	TVD Hoorn & M Honoré goned str8 thru teh pelican's fethery bod, & F Jakobsen in trub on teh clime & wate… WOT?!?!? T Pogačar hav doned a assault attack
T Pogačar:	LOL!
WV Aert:	Pack it in, u tit!
N Boulting:	Lit up teh raec a bit, thobut! Look, see! Xitemnt & k-os! A Gougeard, J Stuyven & F Wright assault attack!
SD Millar:	Bad newz 4 teh sprint0rz! No organis8shn bi thare temes! Mitey rushin' talewind!
J Stuyven:	Onoz! Dropt mi botle! Twiec! Arse!
N Boulting:	Ware TL Soudal in orl this? They orter b up thare!
SD Millar:	Pelican spede up! TA Deceuninck & TT Energies!
Omnes:	Bridge! Bridge! & it look liek teh Danez hav invaded thare carsl!

C Lion:	Hurrah!
	[…]
N Boulting:	18 km 24" seconds! Gaem on!
SD Millar:	Look, see! M Pedersen dropt!
M Pedersen:	Piss! U betta pwn this, J Stuyven!
SD Millar:	M Mohoric intafeerin'! Top man!
Omnes:	15 km 28" seconds! Get in, F Wright!
SD Millar:	Breakfroupfing wurk well 2getha! Not liek pelican… TA Deceuninck stopt tryin'!
TA Deceuninck:	Oi! TB Xchaeng! Iffen u doan ried they we ent eevah!
TB Xchaeng:	O orlrite then…
N Boulting:	11 km 21" seconds! Y TF TEFE Post gettin' invlvd?
SD Millar:	Pelican in disarra agane!
N Boulting:	M Kitteh-neo blo pelican 2 bitz! Breakfroupfing ganin' agane!
Omnes:	8 km 10" seconds!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Sumhow F Jakobsen hav got bak on!
SD Millar:	TL Soudal! Finali!
N Boulting:	T Ineo$ & TJ Visma taek it up until last 3km!
SD Millar:	TJ Visma ridin' 4 C Laporte? I rekn so!
WV Aert:	OK, u lot, I's d… oooh! Bridge!

C Lion:	Mi cup runneth ova!
N Boulting:	3 km 10" seconds!
SD Millar:	Thare d00med! Uphill finnish!
N Boulting:	Cort!
Omnes:	Bah!
F Wright:	I haz anuvver go… oh. Piss!
C Laporte:	\o/ No-1 xpekt that, eh!
SD Millar:	I did!
Bethany (12):	Onli rite afta WV Aert doned hiz bit roffle! B4 that u wuz orl C Ewan F Jakobsen J Philipsen & evn Crazy P Sagan!
CP Sagan:	Now that's wot I corl Crazy! LOL!
G Imlach:	We's gonna haz sum shitverts b4 it get fizzickl btwene Super D & Bethany (12)!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Look, see! T Pogačar in P6! Sneke 5" seconds off ov J Vingegaard!
T Pogačar:	Roffle!
G Imlach:	Y that not a bunch sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE 2da, Tiny P?
TP Kennaugh:	Errrrrrrr, I, ummmmm, C Laporte!
F Wright:	Not disappointed! Tri r hardist! Fare pla 2 C Laporte! 'e got legs!
TP Kennaugh:	F Wright gettin' a rep 4 bein' in brakes! I rekn 'e mite evn tri 1 in Paris Paree!
Omnes:	Yebbut ur from teh Isle ov Man!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Look, see! J Vingegaard donin' hiz warm-down on hiz tiem-trail biek!
TP Kennaugh:	TJ Visma teh awsum!
G Imlach:	TQSA Vinyl! F Jakobsen!
TP Kennaugh:	Sed orl along they orter ov brung M Cavendish! Lackin' lead0rship, wot M Cavendish wud ov brung! Sili fckrs! Serv 'em rite!
Omnes:	Crikey! We agreez wif teh chirpy Manx idiot!
F Jakobsen:	Legs! Parcours! S'priesd 2 b thare @ all! Recovva & aim 4 Paris Paree!
G Imlach:	Wud a pwn 4 F Jakobsen in Paris Paree redeme teh Tour ov France 4 TQSA Vinyl?
TP Kennaugh:	No.
G Imlach:	Tiem-trail 2moz! Whoze gonna pwn it?
TP Kennaugh:	Errr, um, T Pogačar
Bethany (12):	F Ganna!

Seeing them a week today. Wha-hey

Grizzly bear drinking teh black wine ov Cahors bi Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #112 on:** 22 July, 2022, 07:34:18 pm »

No, ITV4, a bunch of stone herons outside the Missis Kwin ov Denmark's gaff is no substitute for vautours

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #113 on:** 23 July, 2022, 05:46:17 pm »

Stage 20: Lacapelle-Marival -> Rocamadour

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai & welcum 2 teh penultimo da ov wot iz teh Tour ov France wif me, TV's G Imlach. Apprntli I haz sumfink ov a rep 4 bein' teh funneh. C'n't fink ware that caem from! So 2da is a tiem-trail wot, az I ma ov menshnd b4, mene u lot c'n safli haz a nap 4 a cuppl ov ours!
TP Kennaugh:	Becoz teh C Boardmen ent 'ere, it forl 2 me, selibr8d chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh, 2 defnd teh tiem-trails! Tiem-trails ent…
Bethany (12):	Saev ur breff, Tiny P! U ent nevva gonna convienc G Imlach that tiem-trails iz intrestin'. U ent nevva gonna convienc me neeva, but I's prepaerd 2 preten' iffen they kepe payin' me roffle!
TP Kennaugh:	They can so intrestin'! Wot about 2019, wen TD Gendt put teh fritn0rz onna lorra big naems & WV Aert wud ov pwned it if 'e 'adn't ov felled off ov hiz biek?
Bethany (12):	Teh fing I rememba bestest about that 1 wuz R Dennis frowin' a mega-strop & gonin' hoam afta chuckin' teh contentz ov hiz toy-boks @ noted curlifckr D Friebe! Woz DED funneh! Oh, & TD Gendt. [Sighs wistfully] I miss ol' Headbangasaurus belgicae! Woz neerli orlwaze a larf wen 'im & T Wellens wuz messin' wif teh pelican's hed-branez!
TD Gendt [via Native¹ Drumming]:	Coo, ta, Bethany (12)! That mene a lot comin' from u! [Wieps tear from eye]
Bethany (12):	Aaaaaah, I knowd u wuz a big softi reeli! But wif ur tiem-trail this l8 in teh raec onli ppl wif 0 2 loose r gonna go flat out liek hell maximum assault attack so that rool out J Vingegaard, G Thomas & WV Aert 4 startas. T Pogačar mite, coz 2nd doan mene nuffink 2 'im, but 'e's still got teh juniorshinyjumper. Iz y I sed F Ganna yesterda!
TP Kennaugh:	I still rekn T Pogačar coz 'e dunt caer 'bout teh juniorshinyjumper!
G Imlach:	Ur bofe rong!
Bethany (12):	OK, Mista Funnehman, 'oo u fanci FTW, eh? EH?!?!?
G Imlach:	T Pogačar & J Vingegaard hav bofe rid teh tiem-trail parcours. T Pogačar sez will b hard becoz ruff rodes an…
Bethany (12):	Wot r teh oddz that Teh Man haz had teh rodes resurfaecd sinse they doned thare reki LOL?
G Imlach:	Iz a cupple ov narsti ickle climes jus' b4 teh end 2, & Teh Man ent liekli 2 ov took them awa!
TP Kennaugh:	U'd nede a big lori! Wot Y u all look @ me liek that?
Bethany (12):	U ent rnserd teh kwestion, G Imlach! R u finkin' ov goin' in2 pollytix or sumfink? New Teh Prime Monsta, Bloody Stupid Imlach? Roffle!
G Imlach:	I-I-Cor-Wumph! If thare wunt a Tour ov France about 2 brake out, & iffen u wunt a gril, I should demand SAT-IS-FAC-SHN!
Bethany (12):	No can do! Mick'n'Keef sed so LOL! & u c'n't rgu wif Keef coz 'e's immortal!
EO Aquitaine:	Almost immortal! Tho 'e c'n't di bi moast convenshnl menes! I lookt 'im up in teh Big Bok ov DETH 4 teh LOLZ0RZ, but teh page jus' sed "C speshul fiel 28948/X-6000#TRS-60", wot iz abuv mi pa graed!
K Richards:	Krrrcccccch! <== Approximashn ov Keef laarrffin'.
Bethany (12):	Ne-wa… Rnser! Teh! Fkn! Kwestion! G! Imlach!
Omnes:	Iz! Bethany! (12)! Moonlitin'! 4! Yahoo!?
Bethany (12):	Fck! Off! Orl I wunt iz a naem!
G Imlach:	Ent part ov mi job descripshn!
Bethany (12):	Gagh! Nevva bovvad u b4
G Imlach:	2 teh colemantary Sheds!
	[…]
N Boulting:	O hai! Becoz Rivva Monstas u ent gonna c evry1! S Bissegger doned a biek-chaeng & M Bjerg wuz in teh hot sete until F Ganna done pwn 'im bi a minit & 3/4!
Bethany (12):	w00t! I's relyin' on u, F Ganna!
N Boulting:	F Wright fasta'n F Ganna @ TC1 but slo down. P3…
	[…]
N Boulting:	S Küng on teh rode! Sloer'n F Ganna tho not bi much!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Iz horble clime @ teh end!
SD Millar:	Sho' iz! Look flat on teh Mappe but, er, ent!
N Boulting:	Look, see! WV Aert! Willen 'e b @ a disadvantj on teh finle clime?
SD Millar:	No.
N Boulting:	Caer 2 elabor8? [Aside] U tit!
SD Millar:	WV Aert mite b tierd coz ov orl teh wurk 'e doned in teh mntns, but…
N Boulting:	S Küng sloer'n F Ganna @ TC2. WV Aert ent hangin' aroun' thobut!
SD Millar:	Sportin' corse!
N Boulting:	WV Aert apere 2 b fasta'n F Ganna tho 'e ent gotted 2 teh 1st TC yet! Look, see! B McNulty! 'e's gud @ tiem-trails!
SD Millar:	B McNulty mite upset teh 4m bok!
N Boulting:	Rocamadour! I ent nevva herd ov it b4…
ML Maire:	U higgernerunt pigswine!
N Boulting:	…but iz brilliant! Y not…
T Directa:	Cut! Cut!
N Boulting:	Piss! Yoicx! B Mollema wa fasta'n F Ganna @ TC1! Wot's that orl about
	[…]
N Boulting:	Pity pore ~~DED~~ S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! Gotta ware teh spottysuit becoz Roolz! Look, see! WV Aert fasta'n B Mollema!
Bethany (12):	Hello? TP Fairy? I haz a ickle job 4 u!
SD Millar:	B Mollema still gonin' gud but 'e's sloer'n F Ganna now!
N Boulting:	Look, see! S Küng! DED slo! I rekn 'e h8s this!
S Küng:	Ur rite! I duz! H8, h8, h8!
N Boulting:	B Mollema now sloer'n F Ganna! WTF? WV Aert 25" fasta'n F Ganna!
Bethany (12):	I hoap ur chane b0rks & ppl shout "Snek" @ u, WV Aert!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian! Dunt nede much tiem 2 jump ova L Meintjes & ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana in teh Gee-See! & ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana iz hoapless @ tiem-trails, az ne fule kno!
SD Millar:	B Mollema loose MOAR tiem 2 F Ganna!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Robo-Vingegaard! Hi-tech!
SD Millar:	Look, see! N Schultz! Got past bi WV Aert but ent bein' left bhind!
N Boulting:	Mite WV Aert b tyin' up! Look, see! Still 24" seconds ahed ov F Ganna @ TC3! Probli a "no" then…
SD Millar:	Look, see! Teh top 3 (three) r in teh start howse!
Omnes:	Dunt 4get 2 taek u gillet off, G Thomas! LOL!
G Thomas:	Fck! Off!
SD Millar:	I rekn WV Aert dun realiz 'e goned 2 kwik @ teh start so eeze off a bit b4 givin' it full gas @ teh end!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Pogačar! J Vingegaard! w00t! Thare bofe gonna wunt 2 pwn this staeg! P2 4 B Mollema!
B Mollema:	Well, I iz teh tiem-trail champ ov teh Netha Rejuns!
WV Aert:	\o/ Out ov mi chare, spagetty-boi! 41" seconds! Ha!
Bethany (12):	Fckles!
	[…]
N Boulting:	G Thomas 1" sloer'n WV Aert @ TC1! T Pogačar 1" fasta'n WV Aert!
SD Millar:	I rekn T Pogačar's gonna pwn this!
N Boulting:	Look, see! J Vingegaard haz blud on hiz elbo! Must ov 'ad a insident in teh reki!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard fasta'n T Pogačar @ TC1! 8" seconds! Wowsa!
N Boulting:	Look, see! T Pinot! That wuz, er… MOAR'n 3' minits down!
5:	Onoz!
Omnes:	O dere Dog! Teh TEFE Post disc weelz Thare orter b a lor aganst it!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap J Vingegaard iz still a bit fasta'n WV Aert but 'e mite ov started 2 kwik!
SD Millar:	D Gaudu c'n't tiem-trail 4 tooffe but ent gonna b sloer'n ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana.
N Boulting:	G Thomas 6" seconds bhind WV Aert @ TC2. A Yates not so gud! 'e's bin ill thobut.
A Yates:	ercoffer. yeh.
N Boulting:	T Pogačar sloer'n WV Aert & G Thomas @ TC2! Yoicx! J Vingegaard 7" seconds fasta'n WV Aert!
SD Millar:	J Vingegaard reeli on it! I rekn 'e's gonna pwn this staeg!
Bethany (12):	U chaeng ur toon, Super D! I's s'priesd! Not.
SD Millar:	Shut! Up!
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard mite b sloin' down a bit. Or not.
Omnes:
N Boulting:	Look, see! L Meintjes! V pore! Lost MOAR'n 2 minits 2 A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, alredi! ~~I Montoya~~ N Quintana fasta'n L Meintjes but probli not fast enuff!
SD Millar:	G Thomas onli 3 anna bit" seconds sloer'n WV Aert @ TC3!
N Boulting:	T Pogačar @ TC3! 20" seconds sloer'n WV Aert!
Bethany (12):	U wuz sain', Super D, roffle!
SD Millar:	I h8 u all!
N Boulting:	J Vingegaard @ TC3! 1" seconds fasta'n WV Aert!
SD Millar:	Loose tiem ova midle ov parcours! Goned out 2 kwik!
N Boulting:	Look, see! A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian! Maek up 2 (two) plaecs in teh Gee-See!
WV Aert:	U haz 0 chaenc 2 surviev maek ur tiem, J Vingegaard!
J Vingegaard:	O RLY?
SD Millar:	Rollin' tiem-chek sez J Vingegaard loosin' tiem 2 WV Aert…
WV Aert:	Tole u!
SD Millar:	…but I rekn iz rite this tiem. Ooh! Aah! Eeep! J Vingegaard neerli in teh ditch!
J Vingegaard:	Yoicx! That wuz cloes, eh, reedas!
TJ Visma:	Ez, tiga!
N Boulting:	P2 4 G Thomas!
G Thomas:	Pubbe!
N Boulting:	P2 4 T Pogačar!
G Thomas:	Pubbe now!
N Boulting:	P2 4 J Vingegaard!
G Thomas:	Pubbe! Now! U! Wnkrs!
WV Aert:	Ha!
Bethany (12):	Piss! U useless workshy tw@, F Ganna!
G Imlach:	Wowsa! A xitin' tiem-trail! Wondas will nevva seese!
	[…]
G Imlach:	So barrin' xploshns, Spaec Nazis or sum ova figment ov Tiny P's tiny hed-branez, J Vingegaard haz pwned teh Tour ov France! No chaeng @ teh top ov teh Gee-See but A Vlasov, teh sneeki fukn not-Russian, lepe-froggie 2 P5 wile L Meintjes drop 2 P8, bhind evn R Bardet, who dint get shuvd up a chimney 2da!
L Meintjes:	Fok en, bowendien, pis!
G Imlach:	Man ov teh match J Vingegaard or WV Aert?
TP Kennaugh:	Yes.
WV Aert:	Emoshnl! Pwn teh Tour ov France az a teme! Speshl &, moreover, unbleevabl! Soopa-tierd! Doned teh paec rite, kepe a bit bak 4 teh finle clime!
Omnes:	Crikey! WV Aert gettin' emoshnl!
G Imlach:	Jus' 2 rub it in, WV Aert hav b0rked Crazy P Sagan's snottypoints rekkid!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Er, aktuli I got nuffink 2 sa…
N Boulting:	WV Aert!
SD Millar:	WV Aert! 'e sprintz! 'e climez! 'e tiem-trailz! 'e domestix! Teh horble git!
N Boulting:	P8 4 F Wright! Not 2 shabi!
SD Millar:	S'priesd TJ Visma let J Vingegaard go that kwik! 'e cud ov lost teh hole raec iffen 'e'd doned a chute!
G Imlach:	We ect…
D Friebe:	O hai! O hai, G Thomas!
G Thomas:	O hai!
D Friebe:	U rekn u cud ov pwned teh staeg?
G Thomas:	Onli @ start. 0 radio. Hadta fidle wif mi Tw@Nav 2 c ware teh cornas wuz! Decied not 2 go full-gas afta I past D Gaudu!
D Friebe:	Wot u do tonite?
G Thomas:	Pubbe! Ur round!
	[…]
Bethany (12):	'ere, I bin lookin' @ teh produkshn shedyul & thare ent nuffink on it 'bout teh Wimminz Tour ov France
G Imlach:	Thass coz we ent covrin' it.
	[Ominous silence]

Of Belgium, natch, 4 e.g. Millionaire, Creature With The Atom Brain, ect, ect. Wot did u think we meant?

Grizzly bear truffle hunting in teh Lot bi Mr Larrington, on Flickr

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #114 on:** 24 July, 2022, 08:09:32 pm »

Stage 21: Paris La Défense Arena -> Paris Champs Élysées

(click to show/hide)

G Imlach:	O hai! Iz I, TV's G Imlach! Intanashnul Man ov, er, Sumfink or Otha! I's in Paris Paree! [Indic8s Mappe] Here!
Omnes:	Haz u unstuk Bethany (12) off ov teh seeling yet?
G Imlach:	U wudn't ov thort sumfink that siez cud contane so much anga!
TP Kennaugh:	Thass probli ware orl teh nosh go! She's a masheen 4 turnin' sossidges in2 riteus furi!
NC Boardman:	She's rite, thobut. I's bin sain' we nede MOAR wimminz raecs on teh telly 4 yeres, *** doned that peece wiv L Deignan teh otha da & now it ent on Eff-Tee-Eh TV @ orl? I's fummin' 2! Iz jus' I ent xprest it kwite so, er, viggarusli!
EO Aquitaine:	This kwene hereby endorses this product, service or sentiment!
5's Mummy:	And so do Ai! Jolly well said, Nice C!
NC Boardman:	fankoomissispoulidorfanshaw!
5's Mummy:	Please, call me Syrah!
Omnes:	Wot she doned this tiem? Fier? Teh ol' ultra-violins? Tin-tax on teh Plass ov teh Concorde? Pizen in Teh Directa's SOUP? Go on tell us o u mite! Iz in teh public intres'!
G Imlach:	Shoutin', moastli. & teh langwidge Simpli shokin'! Teh Makeup Gril aktuli fayntd!
TMG:	Gosh! [Faynts agane]
Omnes:	Iz she comin' bak 2da, thobut?
G Imlach:	Dunno! Maybe, iffen teh Tiga-B-Gon tranks ware off in tiem!
WWX Lackey:	Doan xpekt me 2 b 'ere wen they duz! Ou est le Gare du Nord?
Bethany (12):	Eeuuurrrgggh! I feelz liek DETH!
G Imlach:	Ent a s'pries! Woz enuff 2 nok out 2 (two) tigas!
Bethany (12):	Ur orl horble gitz & I's still angri! Iffen teh Dutchis ov fkn Caembrij wuz ridin' it we wudn't b havin' this covers8shn!
G Imlach:	Yebbut she ent! Now bhaev urself or u'll go 2 bed wifout ne laet-nite room serviec snax!
Bethany (12):	[Incoherunt mumblin']
G Imlach:	Ne-wa, altho Le Roi C Prudhomme I waev hiz ickle fleg @ leest 15' minits ago teh rid0rz'll jus' b induljin' in teh kind ov tittin' about wot TV's Niec C Boardman find unseemli. Drinkin' shampoo, injectin' reefer, juglin' wif chanesores, fotobommin' each ova & wotchin' repetes ov Rivva Monstas on thare fones, that sort ov fing! & teh helichopta will spend @ leest 10' minits @ Verse-eye not lookin' @ teh raec @ orl! Also, in orda 2 stop Bethany (12) from layin' waist 2 teh hole ov Paris Paree, we haz hilites ov Staeg 1 ov teh Tour ov France 4 Wimminz…
Bethany (12):	Huh!
G Imlach:	Also also, in addishn 2 Niec C Boardman we haz bin rejoind bi L Deignan!
L Deignan:	O hai & soz, Bethany (12), 4 runnin' off liek that teh otha da! Teh dokta…
G Imlach:	Shitverts & Wimminz Tour ov France nex', u lucki doggos!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Return ov teh Tour ov France 4 Wimminz! 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	Sprint Sprint SPRINTEEE!
L Wiebes:	\o/
M Vos:	Piss!
L Wiebes:	Reeli happi! Big teme effut! Maybe target also teh snottyjumper!
Bethany (12):	Is that it?
G Imlach:	Yes. Yes, it is.
L Deignan:	0 s'pries! L Wiebes iz teh fastist sprint0r in teh wurrrld rite now.
NC Boardman:	'bout tiem! Sum ov teh Stuffs wot m'learnèd colleeg [indic8s L Deignan] so elokwuntli corled "Teh Thing" wuz DIS-RIS-PEK-FUL! Clooless! This wa iz teh rite wa!
TP Kennaugh:	Iz diffrunt but ded gud! 1 pwner ov teh old vershn wuz from teh Isle ov Man, liek me!
G Imlach:	Finnish @ Teh Ironing Board ov teh Priti Grilz 2!
L Deignan:	Will kepe fings tite!
NC Boardman:	Liek teh wimminz foopball wot iz goin' on a teh moment, iz gr8 sport in own rite!
Omnes:	Hurrah! Hurrah 4 Niec C Boardman!
T Directa:	Oh, Bethany daaaahling, thare u r! We nede u 2 done teh grene screne preten' 2 b M Rendell akt agane!
Bethany (12):	Look, see! Sum wimminz warin' yello T-shaepd shirtz!
C Greenwood:	Me & mi droogiez 'ere r surviv0rz ov teh orijinl Tour Ov France 4 Wimminz & we iz 'ere 2 suport teh nu vershn!
Bethany (12):	& u r?
S Elias:	S Elias ov teh USAnia & I rode teh raec 3 (three) tiems! Pwned teh bloojumper 4 sprint0rz!
Bethany (12):	Awsum!
M Gravelle¹:	M Gravelle ov teh BRITAIN! Done teh raec three (3) tiems also!
M Jones:	Onli 1 raec 4 me…
Bethany (12):	…tho az ne fule kno u wuz also rode-raec champion ov teh wurrrld a bit b4 that!
M Jones:	[Turns pink]
J Painter:	4 tiems 4 me!
L Gornall:	2 (two)!
S Gornall née Thompson:	Four startz, 3 (three) finnishs. Fell off ov teh Col de Torygraph in 1989! Not recommendid!
L Garbutt:	Pwned teh juniorshinyjumper in 1984!
Bethany (12):	And ur 'ere 2?
C Greenwood:	Support teh current rid0rz & maek fillum 'bout teh Orijnls!
T Liggett:	& I wuz a soigneur, mekanik & jenrl doggobodi! Reon!on afta 30+ yeres! Iz teh aces!
Bethany (12):	& also Mrs P Liggett, aiui! Thx, y'all! [Aside] Wot utta bobbinz!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd xept M Woods eh hav goned hoam wif teh Plague wile G Boivin & G Izagirre haz goned hoam wif not teh Plague! Bak 2 teh colemantary Sheds!
N Boulting:	So str8 afta teh start T Pogačar assault attack 4 teh LOLZ0RZ!
SD Millar:	WV Aert & J Vingegaard preten' 2 maek chaes!
N Boulting:	They orter ov kept it up roffle! Look, see! Teh Pallis ov Verse-Eye!
SD Millar:	[Hist.]
N Boulting:	No shampoo yet Look, see! G Thomas!
SD Millar:	Doned a gud raec, jus' not teh saem 1 az T Pogačar, J Vingegaard & WV Aert!
N Boulting:	Anuvver boofles da! Onli 1 da ov rane!
S Bissegger:	Wuz 1 da 2 mani
N Boulting:	Look, see! Orl teh remanin' Danez @ teh front ov teh raec!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap 0 hav hapnd xept MOAR tittin' about! Hear 4 ur lissenin' plezh iz Bethany (12)! Ur thorts, Bethany (12)?
Bethany (12):	O hai! Wuz amazeballs! Esp. teh staeg 2 teh Col ov Granon! Stuffs liek that ent s'posed 2 hapn!
SD Millar:	Chaeng ov teh gard! Assault attax orl teh tiem! T Pogačar! WV Aert!
Bethany (12):	J Alaphilippe in 2019 also! Tored up teh rool bok!
SD Millar:	Era ov teh lieks ov T $ky ova!
Bethany (12):	& no bad fing eeva! Look @ MC Nielsen! 3 consekutiv assault attax & a staeg pwn!
SD Millar:	Evn ur Da… R Urán! Njoin' 'imself!
N Boulting:	WV Aert! Raec liek E Merckx or B Hinault but also b a domestic!
Bethany (12):	Saevd J Vingegaard's BACON on staeg 5 2!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Teh militri wossname ov St Cyr! GCD Gaulle went thare!
SD Millar:	Founded bi N Bonaparte, wot wuz a bit liek WV Aert!
Bethany (12):	N Bonaparte nevva pwned a tiem-trail thobut, roffle!
EO Aquitaine:	N Bonaparte? Daft wnkr! Wuffo 'e wanna invayd Muscovi 4?
N Boulting:	Look, see! Shampoo 4 TJ Visma!
J Vingegaard:	Oi, WV Aert! U go bak 4 MOAR botles LOL?
WV Aert:	How mani u wunt, Boss?
Bethany (12):	Tiem 4 laet lunch and/or erli dinna! L8rz!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Neerli @ teh spottyclime! Iz tiem 4 NC Boardman!
NC Boardman:	Scrapin' teh botom ov teh colemantary barrl, eh! Y they bovva wif orl this tittin' about?
Omnes:	How mani botles iz T Pogačar fetchin' thare?
SD Millar:	Orl chaeng sinse r da, Niec C! Bak then sum rid0rz useta bunk off erli so's they cud start teh Tour ov ye Portingals teh next da!
NC Boardman:	Crikey! That spottyclime iz a bit… uppi!
T Pelican:	OK, S Geschke! U & ur hipsta beard c'n lede up this 1!
N Boulting:	We fort teh snottycomp wud b teh intrestin' 1 but wuz teh spottycomp insted!
S Geschke:	/o\ Not reeli a pwn, wuz it?
N Boulting:	T Pogačar! C'n still pwn teh juniorshinyjumper 4 anotha 2 yeres!
NC Boardman:	They orter get rid ov it, or maek it 4 teenajas or sumfink!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile ect we's in Paris Paree proppa! & we haz a Tiny P 2 laarrff @!
TP Kennaugh:	I liek teh Chomps-Elizy staeg, me! I'm from teh Isle ov Man!
N Boulting:	Sprint0rz tranez ent doned much this yere!
TP Kennaugh:	Yebbut 2da's staeg iz much shorta so they ent gonna b nackad from chaesin'!
SD Millar:	Also it ent ranin'!
N Boulting:	Ov corse we dunt kno wot WV Aert iz gonna do…
SD Millar:	WV Aert!
TP Kennaugh:	WV Aert!
Bethany (12):	Kepe teh fanboiïsm down, u lot! I's eatin'!
SD Millar:	OK then! M Cavendish!
N Boulting:	[Hastili chaengin' teh subj.] Paris Paree! Ent it brilliant! Rooma teh Tour ov France mite finnish in Nice in 2024 becoz Olympix!
Omnes:	Look, see! Le Pongggg Neuf!

C Lion:	Hurrah 4 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® & thare attenshn 2 bridges!
N Boulting:	La Loovra!
Omnes:	Iz Bethany's Da… R Urán donin' hiz birb impreshn agane?
SD Millar:	No. No, he is not. Look, see! TJ Visma lede down teh Roo de Ravioli! Iz tradishn!
N Boulting:	Teh Chomps-Elizy! Hurrah! 8 (eight) lapz 2 go!
SD Millar:	& teh assault attax bgin!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Look, see! Iz S/L le Beeglez & hiz merry æronautz!
S/L le Beeglez:	O hai! U liek mi plaen?
SD Millar:	Noizi bstrds! I hoap u haz a chute!
S/L le Beeglez:	Bof! U Scotto-Malto-Honkongeez!
N Boulting:	@ last a breakfroupfing! S Bissegger, J Tratnik, S Dewulf & M Burgaudeaudeaudeau! 7" hole" seconds!
SD Millar:	Four (4) MOAR rid0rz maek chaes!
N Boulting:	Look, see! Nogweegie Corna! Did I tell u mi…
Omnes:	Le sigh!
SD Millar:	D Martinez hav joined teh breakfroupfing but teh sprint0rz temes ent gonna let 'em get fa!
Omnes:	Iz that reeli WV Aert rite @ teh fethery arse ov teh pelican?
N Boulting:	Yes. Yes, it is!
SD Millar:	0 snottypoints 4 WV Aert
WV Aert:	I bieds mi tiem. Sta out ov trub. Maybe…
	[…]
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing cort! TEFE Post kepe up teh presh coz they ent gotta proppa sprint0r…
SD Millar:	Pelican disorgiz8d! Gud 4 teh sprint0rz!
N Boulting:	5 (five) rid0rz off ov teh front: M Schachmann, O Doull, A Duchesne, J Rutsch & OL Gac!
	[…]
N Boulting:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz 20" seconds!
SD Millar:	Pelican nede 2 b caerful…
N Boulting:	Gap iz reducin'!
EH Boson:	Onoz! I c'n haz nu biek?
SD Millar:	Look, see! O Doull hav xploded!
O Doull:	@ leest I gotted on teh tellybocks!
Omnes:	Oi-oi! Thare's WV Aert sneekin' up on teh ralez!
N Boulting:	No sprint0r pwned MOAR'n 1 staeg this yere!
WV Aert:	Ahem!
N Boulting:	U doan count!
SD Millar:	Iz teh Wurrrld Champz ov sprint0rz! Tho teh chaeng 2 teh finnish lien maek it diffrunt & I rekn teh temes ent kwite sussed it yet!
N Boulting:	OL Gac hav xploded!
SD Millar:	Still c'n't figga out wot WV Aert iz up 2!
N Boulting:	Breakfroupfing cort! Las' lap!
Omnes:	Teh bellz! Teh bellz! [Duz crap Quasimodo impreshn]
N Boulting:	T Ineo$ assault attack! Set up 4 F Gann… T Pogačar!
F Ganna:	Y u doned that, T Pogačar? U git!
T Pogačar:	Roffle!
SD Millar:	TL Soudal! Runnin' out ov minionz! WV Aert rite neer teh bak! Ent gonna pla 2da!
WV Aert:	CBA…
N Boulting:	TB Xchaeng! T Cofidis! TT Segwayfreddo! Er…
SD Millar:	0 lede-outz left! Sprint0rz gotta done it on thare own!
J Philipsen:	\o/ Yaaaaaaah!
SD Millar:	Iz teh nu long run-in! Sprint0rz r simpl aminalz wot dunt lern kwik!
M Cavendish [via PubNet]:	I cud ov pwned that 1, ez! & ware wuz F Jakobsen, eh? EH?!?!? Hic!
	[…]
ML Maire:	Timing! Cort teh recordin' durin' teh last shitvert brake! w00t!
G Imlach:	F Wright P10! Yay! We fort J Vingegaard mite ov lost a few" seconds tittin' about on teh lien, but 'e ent!
TP Kennaugh:	Woz bonkas sprint! J Philipsen teh bestist…
J Philipsen:	Unbleevabl! Soopa teme! D Groaningwagon go & I folo! Soopa happi! Unbleevabl!
D Friebe:	O hai, G Thomas! F Ganna?
G Thomas:	O hai! Gotta tri! Long shot! LOL! Pubbe?
NC Boardman:	Onli contenda wot rode old-skool-stylee! T Pidcock ded gud. T Ineo$ pwn teme priez 2! Not @ orl pore!
TP Kennaugh:	Hurrah! Hurrah 4 G Thomas!
G Imlach:	Becoz teh rid0rz wuz bein' useless workshy tw@s 2da teh raec wuz l8 so les Gnomez du Roi C Prudhomme I ent bilt teh podium yet…
J Wade:	Oi, u c'n't ova-run liek that! Wot about mi repete feez!
	[…]
G Imlach:	Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh Eh-Ess-Oh hav issued a nu Gee-See wot sho J Vingegaard loose 40" seconds bi tittin' about!
J Vingegaard:	Incredibl! Orlwaze bleeve I c'n pwn teh raec but moastli afta teh Hautac…
N Boulting:	Podium tiem! J Philipsen! Doned much betta in teh mntns than teh otha sprint0rz!
Omnes:	Look, see! Mani bridges!

C Lion:	Aw00ga!
N Boulting:	Super-Combativité! w00t Van Aert!
WV Aert:	Coo, ta!
N Boulting:	Unuzhl combativité this yere! Mani staeg pwn0rz in teh list! T Ineo$!
Omnes:	No-1 caer, u kno!
J Ratcliffe:	I duz!
N Boulting:	Got orl 8 rid0rz 2 teh finnish 2. 0 Plague!
Omnes:	Get on wif it! We's missin' r dinna!
N Boulting:	Juniorshinyjumper T Pogačar!
T Pogačar:	Next yere…
SD Millar:	'ere, them wnkrs @ Eh-Ess-Oh hav missed T Pidcock off ov teh juniorshinyjumper Top Ten (10)!
Omnes:	Wnkrs indede!
N Boulting:	Spottyjumper J Vingegaard!
S Geschke:	Bah!
S Geschke's Hipsta Beard:	This ^^^^.
N Boulting:	Snottyjumper WV Aert! 1-off per4anse!
SD Millar:	Rest ov teh pelican sertinli hoap iz a 1-off!
N Boulting:	R we missin' 1?
Bethany (12):	Teh shinyjumper, clot! Haz u & Super D bin hittin' it erli?
N Boulting:	Oh, er, yeah! J Vingegaard!
Omnes:	Get! On! Wif! It!
N Boulting:	Teh Top Three (3)! Nashnl anfem ov Denmark.,
Omnes:	Wotta dirge! Bring on teh Eye-talianz!
J Vingegaard:	O hai! V big! Incredibl…
T Danez:	[Chanting]
J Vingegaard:	Shut! Up! Er, soopa niec! Incredibl! Evryfink incredibl! WV Aert…
Omnes:	Incredibl?
J Vingegaard:	Fck! Off! Teh hole teme incredibl!
Bethany (12):	Rite, that's ur lot until nex' yere! Dinna tiem!
Pingu:	No vautours @ all! Very poor! Do better next year, aye?

At least, I think so.

Grizzly bear on teh Champs Elysées wif Bethany (12) bi Mr Larrington, on Flickr

ElyDave · « **Reply #115 on:** 24 July, 2022, 10:37:24 pm »

Quote from: Mr Larrington on 22 July, 2022, 07:34:18 pm

No, ITV4, a bunch of stone herons outside the Missis Kwin ov Denmark's gaff is no substitute for vautours

Does buzzards circling as I flagged in the heat count?

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #116 on:** 24 July, 2022, 10:48:10 pm »

Only if they were:

ignored, or
misidentified

by TV's *** Boulting

Mrs Pingu · « **Reply #117 on:** 24 July, 2022, 11:02:47 pm »

Pingu · « **Reply #118 on:** 24 July, 2022, 11:09:10 pm »

Had to laugh at TP Kennaugh not remembering going thru' la Louvre

Mr Larrington · « **Reply #119 on:** 25 July, 2022, 07:58:51 pm »

O hai! Unfortunately new regulations resulting from Brexit mean that this year's P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® Awardz 4 Meritorious Per4nse on teh Tour ov France have been severely curtailed. We are no longer permitted to recognise in any way, shape or form an achievement by a FOREIGN, so spare a thought for those poor souls like 4 e.g. MC Nielsen or S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard who might otherwise have been a recipient of one of these coveted wossnames. Here, then, is the somewhat truncated list az approved by disgraced former International Development Secretary Piggi Patel:

(click to show/hide)

What	Who	Why
Teh P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nz^TM® BRITON ov teh Match:	F Wright	Finnish well bhind G Thomas, A Yates & T Pidcock, but G Thomas iz Welch & teh otha 2 r Norvenas.
Teh Syrah Poulidor-Featherstonehaugh Certificate Of Good Conduct:	F Wright	He's such a nice polite young man!

What	Who	Why
Teh Bethany (12) Priez 4 Teh Acest Assault Attack In Teh Mntns:	W Barguil	Pwned teh ICONIC Galiber then cort teh Plague! Boo!
Teh Bethany (12) Award 4 Fab Punditin':	Bethany (12)	Korektli 4tole teh retierment ov J Birbsong; bakt J Vingegaard wen TP Kennaugh, L Deignan & D Martin orl pikt T Pogačar; gettin' teh rite pwn0r ov mani staegs! ["Onli bi cheetin'!" – Teh WWX Lackey]
Teh Bethany (12) Roun' Fing Wot Hav 0 Use @ All 4 Bein' DED Posh:	Teh Makeup Gril	"Gosh!" – Teh Makeup Gril, just now
Teh Bethany (12) Cup 4 Havin' Phun:	My Da… R Urán	Wot MOAR duz I nede 2 sa?
Hon. Menshns:	T Pogačar	Duz 'e eva stop smilin'?
	MC Nielsen	Eleven (11) konsekutiv spottypwns! Two (2) Combativités! A staeg pwn! Wile grinnin' liek a loon. WV Aert nom ur hart out!

Bethany (12):	Er, not kwite orl LOL! I smugld a cupple frew Custumz wile they wuz tryna dismantl chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh 2 c iffen 'e wuz stuft wif drugz!
Omnes:	Let's 'ave 'em then!
Bethany (12):	OK…