Yet Another Cycling Forum

Off Topic => The Pub => Topic started by: Euan Uzami on July 04, 2011, 04:10:52 pm

Title: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on July 04, 2011, 04:10:52 pm
We have a new fellow in our department who is very fond of his buzz words and management speak.
I thought I'd heard them all but he came out with one that is completely new to me today "de-scope" !
as in, "we need to  descope this part of the project"
I'm still none the wiser as to what it means.

Another corker he came out with: "cross-functional" ! as in, "if we are to be a cross-functional team"

;D

The sad thing is it seems to be winning him a lot of favour in his quest for power, but that's another issue...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on July 04, 2011, 04:19:22 pm
De-scope is one we use quite a lot. If we have a set of requirements which a piece of software needs to meet and there is a problem with actually getting the software to meet one of them, that requirement might be removed from the list of things to be done. Removed from the scope of the current piece of work. De-scoped.
Usual problem with a geeky, slightly lazy turn of phrase which then gets picked up by management because they think it makes them sound good

S
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on July 04, 2011, 04:24:49 pm
One I had recently.

"I'm right up there in the wheelhouse with you."

FFS
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: peliroja on July 04, 2011, 04:33:21 pm
X requires a bio-break between 1:1s so please expect transfer delay.

Meaning: X needs the loo and will be late for her meeting.  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 04, 2011, 04:50:08 pm
Just a number one though.  ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: folkdevil on July 04, 2011, 05:08:19 pm
Peli that is a gem. Please tell me you made it up and nobody actually said it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: peliroja on July 04, 2011, 05:09:29 pm
Unfortunately, it is not made up.  :-\ And it's not the worst I've heard, either.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on July 04, 2011, 06:53:30 pm
X requires a bio-break between 1:1s so please expect transfer delay.

And who ever said it doesn't understand the word euphemism either!

S
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: andygates on July 04, 2011, 07:40:53 pm
I wonder if I could send "apologies for absence" to crappy meetings with "AFK bio"  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on July 04, 2011, 08:24:14 pm
My paradigm clashes with neuro regressive syntax.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mrs Pingu on July 04, 2011, 08:50:49 pm
Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on July 04, 2011, 08:55:14 pm
De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: peliroja on July 04, 2011, 09:00:21 pm
Let's engage in a conversation to enable a soup-to-nuts deconstruction, or 'deep-dive', if you will.

 :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on July 04, 2011, 09:04:39 pm
There is something very comforting about going home and listening to someone who's views you rate highly, e.g. you right wassock wots up then?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Wowbagger on July 04, 2011, 09:06:19 pm
Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'

You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rogerzilla on July 04, 2011, 09:51:00 pm
"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines.  "Socialising a report" is another.  Oh, and "derisking", which may or may not have a hyphen.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mrs Pingu on July 04, 2011, 09:57:01 pm
Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'

You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?

You're going to have to explain. I can work out it's something to do with The Sting, but I've never seen it.
I suspect you may have just called me crude  O:-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on July 04, 2011, 09:58:56 pm
Agh !! RZ, you have one there that drives me barmy.

Senior management apparently 'socialised' a new policy before having some anonymous droid issue it.

And then they wonder why no-one complies.

Aaaaggghhhhhh!!!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Wowbagger on July 04, 2011, 10:00:59 pm
Oh god, now I really have the urge to send a 'declined' saying 'Sorry, I'm having a crap'

You are not quite Paul Newman Henry Gondorf so I can't claim my £5. Would you settle for £2.50?

You're going to have to explain. I can work out it's something to do with The Sting, but I've never seen it.
I suspect you may have just called me crude  O:-)

He turned up at a poker game and apologised, saying "Sorry I'm late, I was taking a crap!"

I am not well-versed in the world of fillums, but The Sting is one of my favourites.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on July 04, 2011, 10:14:33 pm
De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.

Oh right! well that's not what I think he meant by it - from his explanation when I picked him up on it, it appeared to allude to the ability for us all to pitch in with each other's responsibilities.
Or, more precisely, the implied expectation for us others to pitch in with his. (Or even more precisely, the tasks that he was taken on to do, but hasn't done any of.)

You may be right, though - but that's the thing though, you just don't know - it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on July 04, 2011, 10:21:55 pm
"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines.  "Socialising a report" is another.  Oh, and "derisking", which may or may not have a hyphen.

Agh !! RZ, you have one there that drives me barmy.

Senior management apparently 'socialised' a new policy before having some anonymous droid issue it.

And then they wonder why no-one complies.

Aaaaggghhhhhh!!!

"socialising" - I'm guessing that's making it look as if they're seeking consensus on it when in fact they're thrusting it on you whether you like it or not.

"derisking" - ....................    :-\ :-\ :-\ nope,  still baffled on that one!

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on July 04, 2011, 10:22:33 pm
another one:
"missed an opportunity" = didn't bother
;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on July 04, 2011, 10:25:53 pm
...it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.
Oh but that happens with everything else as well, especially (sorry) if marketing types get hold of it. "Home-made pies" that were made in the factory using "the same recipe" as at home. "Active garments" that don't have any active components in them. "Electronic publishing" (years ago) that used electronic systems (PCs) to produce print publishing. "Professional" sports equipment that no half-decent amateur would touch with a barge-pole.

It goes on and on.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 04, 2011, 10:32:55 pm
another one:
"missed an opportunity" = didn't bother
;D
Or - completely fucked it up.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: peliroja on July 04, 2011, 10:38:07 pm
"Who's good to bubble the monetization piece up to [insert name of senior bod]?"

 :-X
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SiD on July 04, 2011, 10:45:48 pm
"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".

This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tonycollinet on July 04, 2011, 10:57:02 pm
De-scope is one we use quite a lot.
+1. I'm not keen on buzz-words but cross-functional seems OK to me too - a team made up of people from different functions (departments/whatever) in the organisation.

Oh right! well that's not what I think he meant by it - from his explanation when I picked him up on it, it appeared to allude to the ability for us all to pitch in with each other's responsibilities.
Or, more precisely, the implied expectation for us others to pitch in with his. (Or even more precisely, the tasks that he was taken on to do, but hasn't done any of.)

You may be right, though - but that's the thing though, you just don't know - it means whatever the person using it wants it to mean, or in the case where they're just using it to sound like they know what they're talking about, nothing.

Cross-functional team - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-functional_team)

He's misunderstood its use - is using it to sound good. All the gear, no idea springs to mind.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on July 04, 2011, 11:25:54 pm
"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".

This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
Sounds ike the mother in law drinking too much at a wedding.

.d
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on July 05, 2011, 08:38:59 am
You're all sadists. 

Every last one of you.

I have been successfully blanking out our impending company day (tomorrow) which will require sitting through god knows how many hours of stultifyingly boring powerpoint pictures and accompanying managerial willy-waving and this thread has just given me the screaming horrors in advance.   

Gits.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on July 05, 2011, 09:54:05 am
Buzzword bingo?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 05, 2011, 10:18:53 am
You have to be the bridge and master the art of the elevator speech if you want your flagpole saluted.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on July 05, 2011, 10:32:55 am
You need to proactively engage with the dialectic of the customer base in order to leverage your core comptencies going forward. This necessitates appropriate revenue streams from monetizing your contributions in a goal focussed approach to delivery.

Or in other words, you need to ask them to give you a job and pay you apropriately.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on July 05, 2011, 11:11:15 am
You need to proactively engage with the dialectic of the customer base in order to leverage your core comptencies going forward. This necessitates appropriate revenue streams from monetizing your contributions in a goal focussed approach to delivery.

Or in other words, you need to ask them to give you a job and pay you apropriately.

Slickly done. You're obviously a master at this sort of thing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on July 05, 2011, 11:20:16 am
"I'll be wearing a very broad-brimmed hat today… and will be speaking both horizontally… and vertically".

This is the one that has stayed with me for the past 10 years, nothing's come close.
And then they wonder why potential foreign clients don't call back.  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Morrisette on July 06, 2011, 11:15:21 am
PMSL at 'bio-break'.

The one that really winds me up is 'going forwards'. As in, 'we'll be working on this report going forward and....' WHY?!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on July 06, 2011, 11:19:30 am
Well, you wouldn't want them to be going backwards, would you?  Very reassuring, I'd say ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on July 06, 2011, 11:30:31 am
As proved by those hothouses of UK intellectual elite, Oxford and Cambridge, it is best to have the cocks in the back and everyone else going backwards.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on July 06, 2011, 08:53:28 pm
Clearly there is huge pent up demand here for a Neuro Linguistic Planning course.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Regulator on July 07, 2011, 11:17:11 pm
You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS...  :sick:

The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears.  :-X

David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on July 08, 2011, 10:16:41 am
You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS...  :sick:

The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears.  :-X

David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
I'll see your NHS and raise you one MOD :sick: :sick: ??? :sick: :o :sick: :sick: :hand: :sick: :facepalm: >:(
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 08, 2011, 11:35:36 am
Try a USAnian company.  I couldn't understand a single question on my appraisal form and that was circa 1992.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Regulator on July 08, 2011, 11:50:46 am
You ain't seen nothing if you haven't worked in the NHS...  :sick:

The current reforms, combined with the QIPP agenda, are creating a whole new level of insane management speak that even the acolytes are finding is making their brains dribble out of their ears.  :-X

David Nicholson is a Bullshit Bingo player's wet dream... :facepalm:
I'll see your NHS and raise you one MOD :sick: :sick: ??? :sick: :o :sick: :sick: :hand: :sick: :facepalm: >:(

I've been working closely with the MoD over the last year.  You may love your acronyms and have a complete inability to make a decision without it going to the top - but you're babies compared to the NHS when it comes to insance management speak.

Give it another couple of years and you may catch up.   :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on July 08, 2011, 11:52:48 am
No chance.  The Modernisation Agency was the spawning ground of a whole herd of boloxtalkers, but the Commissioning Board is shaping up to provide a new wave.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: darkpoint on July 08, 2011, 12:45:03 pm
My management have recently started using the word firedrill,  as an example:

"We need to have the replies by COB tomorrow, apologies again for the urgent firedrill."

Which amuses me,  as in a firedrill I leave whatever I am doing and stand in the park for half an hour.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SandyV on July 09, 2011, 12:19:33 am
My company's management (though I suspect US HR) is urging us "as leaders to touch the business every day". Sounds a bit icky to me.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 13, 2011, 01:05:17 am
It is the natural progression after touching cloth.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on July 29, 2011, 07:24:08 am
"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines. 

It's funny how these phrases appear out of nowhere and then suddenly everyone is using them.  I now get asked on a regular basis 'And are you getting the right traction on that ?'

The worst moment always comes when you hear yourself saying the same phrase, the one you've promised yourself not to use.  Oh well, it happens to us all...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on July 29, 2011, 08:56:46 am
"Gaining traction" is currently popular in our salt mines. 

It's funny how these phrases appear out of nowhere and then suddenly everyone is using them.  I now get asked on a regular basis 'And are you getting the right traction on that ?'

The worst moment always comes when you hear yourself saying the same phrase, the one you've promised yourself not to use.  Oh well, it happens to us all...

So very true!

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Moultonaught on July 29, 2011, 09:39:17 am
I work for the UK part of a(n increasingly) global firm, and our US colleagues never email us or ring us, they always "Reach out" to us.....


Arrrrrrrggghhhhhh. No you're not, you're emailing/ calling me .... and breathe...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on July 29, 2011, 10:12:48 am
Four Tops fans?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 29, 2011, 12:45:56 pm
Here's one we got this morning:

Our initial conclusions are based on a set of core business focused principles:
• Enable future products and services that are increasingly digital and complex in composition (e.g. bundles, micro content, cross-business offerings)
• Leverage existing assets
• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
• Avoid choices that limit flexibility or increase risk
• Consider foundational work that needs to precede ERP implementation (e.g. business process simplification/capability enablement, master data management)
• Simplify first, then enhance and scale

Translation: In four years max you'll be out on your collective ear while we strip naked and roll around in big piles of money.

I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hellymedic on July 29, 2011, 01:42:18 pm
You couldn't make it up!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: geoff on July 29, 2011, 01:44:44 pm
Here's one we got this morning:

...
• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
...
I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either

ERP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enterprise_resource_planning) like Oracle etc
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on July 29, 2011, 02:45:04 pm
Enterprise resource planning. Got it? Not to be confused with BURP - buggered up resource planning
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 29, 2011, 03:58:15 pm
Cow-orker G worked for the BigCo's predecessor circa 1973.  They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.

They failed.

Cow-orker G went elsewhere, and then rejoined what was now the current incarnation of the BigCo, circa 2003.  They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.

They failed.

Cow-orker G is beginning to see a pattern emerging...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on July 29, 2011, 09:27:43 pm
Right to left planning is quite a favourite  :)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Efrogwr on August 02, 2011, 08:57:59 am
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on August 02, 2011, 09:19:29 am
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.

Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Efrogwr on August 02, 2011, 12:34:51 pm
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.

Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?

Yes.
It's a brilliant bit of bullshit.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: arabella on August 02, 2011, 12:46:53 pm
We need some sort of campaign for clear speech.  As in crystal clear.  'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.

Derisking is probably the same as risk mitigation.
Descoping is a GOOD thing as it means ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 02, 2011, 06:58:58 pm
ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.

MoSCoW rules  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bluebottle on August 02, 2011, 10:19:23 pm
In a moment of unthinking  :sick: I found myself saying that there was a linear line between two things.  This, you should remember, was in a pub and I did stop myself and flog myself with a birch as soon as I said it.

I always swore that I wouldn't turn into formeremployer who uttered the following with unflinching conviction and lack of irony:

"We need to integrate completeness to the project."

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: gerwinium on August 02, 2011, 10:22:09 pm
Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 03, 2011, 10:36:06 am
I'm sure Gus was based on a former The Boss I had some twenty years ago.  He even looked a bit like Robert Duncan.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on August 03, 2011, 11:01:42 am
At my work de scoping is officially sanctioned disagreement with what we've been told to do as opposed to the common or garden disagreeing with what we've been told to do that we spend whole meetings solely doing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Charlotte on August 03, 2011, 11:20:46 am
We need some sort of campaign for clear speech.  As in crystal clear.  'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.

What - like this?

(http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/images/stories/Approvedbylogo.gif)

http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: LEE on August 03, 2011, 11:22:10 am
As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?

Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry.  I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.

Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).

What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on August 03, 2011, 11:32:16 am
What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"

Do any of your managers have pointy hair?   ;)

http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=jargon
http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=work%2Bsmarter&view=list&filter=type%3Acomic

Enjoy.  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on August 03, 2011, 01:53:09 pm
See also the bank manager in Despicable Me. Clearly based on those Dilbert cartoons. Or maybe Mr Larrington's former boss. Or someone.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 03, 2011, 09:25:05 pm
Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rhys W on August 03, 2011, 09:36:32 pm
I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:

"Let's diarise for next year then."

 ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on August 04, 2011, 12:48:36 am
Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes
This one's actually tolerable, in a taking the piss sort of way.

Quote
We do rather appear to have an ongoing underwear entanglement situation.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 04, 2011, 05:29:53 am
I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:

"Let's diarise for next year then."

 ::-)

Glad to hear you socialised the idea first  :thumbsup:  I hear that the Pinarello Prince version 2 is very good for getting traction on vertical reporting lines.  Will you be needing a 1:1 with the gearing department for any of these ?  Might be best to avoid any walkthroughs.   :)   
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Panoramix on August 04, 2011, 06:23:22 am
As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?

Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry.  I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.

Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).

What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"

+1, IMHO stuff like de-risk and de-scope is just jargon meaning something very precise to some people in some industries.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Gandalf on August 04, 2011, 06:35:59 am
Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?

Only when they are not too busy with not boiling the ocean.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 04, 2011, 08:06:43 am
I've got a meeting today to get our ducks in a row.  Best to make sure we're on the same page while we're at it. (Synergy  :thumbsup:)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rower40 on August 04, 2011, 08:17:13 am
I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly.  If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy.  More often one encounters the situation where that job takes two people three hours each, so the overall timescales go down by throwing more people at it (finished in 3 hours rather than 4), but increasing the cost (6 man-hours vs 4).

Most of my stuff is beyond even that; it'll take me 4 hours, but if there's someone "helping", then it'll take us 8 hours each.  Hours 2, 3 and 4 are me unpicking all the stuff that the other person got wrong, and hours 5-8 are the Fight, the A&E visit and the Court Case.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on August 04, 2011, 10:09:59 am

That is a fantastic quote..
I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly.  If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy.  More often one encounters the situation where that job takes two people three hours each, so the overall timescales go down by throwing more people at it (finished in 3 hours rather than 4), but increasing the cost (6 man-hours vs 4).

Most of my stuff is beyond even that; it'll take me 4 hours, but if there's someone "helping", then it'll take us 8 hours each.  Hours 2, 3 and 4 are me unpicking all the stuff that the other person got wrong, and hours 5-8 are the Fight, the A&E visit and the Court Case.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on August 05, 2011, 10:26:50 am
I like the word "Synergy" when used correctly.  If a job takes one person 4 hours, but the same job takes two people one hour each, then that's Synergy.
Making beds. Two people can do it about four times as fast as one person, & do a better job. And they both have a better time, because they have someone to talk to.

[Experience of three months working as a hospital orderly, back in the days when they made beds properly]
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Aeroflash on August 05, 2011, 12:45:38 pm
The one that really winds me up is 'going forwards'. As in, 'we'll be working on this report going forward and....' WHY?!

I'm with you on that one. Quite apart from the phrase's surpassing ugliness, it is utterly redundant given that humans are as yet incapable of travelling backward in time. I've even seen 'in the future we will be doing x going forward', adding yet more redundancy.

As management jargon it is one thing but it seems to be creeping into normal speech now, the same way 'take on board' and 'touch base' have.

On the other hand, a PR consultant of my acquaintance called Andy Green has great fun mocking the buzzwords and jargon of creativity ('outside the box', 'blue sky thinking' etc) and has built into his training courses 'thinking in big and small boxes' and 'green light/red light' thinking. I think the latter refers to traffic lights rather than <falsetto> Roooxanne... </falsetto>
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on August 05, 2011, 01:42:16 pm
Correct usage of management speak, lesson 1.

"How would you like you pizza delivered?"

"I'm thinking 'out of the box'"

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rykard on August 05, 2011, 01:45:00 pm
shouldn't that be in the box?... ???
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mrs Pingu on August 05, 2011, 09:32:51 pm
I want to punch people when they say 'touch base'.
Ain't nobody I work with getting to touch my base, man.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on August 06, 2011, 01:33:16 pm
Mrs Pingu are you in touch with your base feelings?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: diapsaon0 on August 06, 2011, 08:38:46 pm
Who is that base fellow?

He's not a bass - he's a tenor

He can't be a tenor - he works in a shop

OK then - he must be a counter tenor

 ;D

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on August 06, 2011, 08:48:27 pm
Mrs Pingu are you in touch with your base feelings?

She has been trying to get in touch with her bass feelings  ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 07, 2011, 10:22:25 am
The more I think of this the more phrases I realise I know so well that I think of them as everyday conversation rather than management speak.  A few more - heads up, flag up, on my radar, backfill, KT.  And I spend most of my working day escalating. 

One that does irritate me is when senior executives justify an action on the grounds that 'it was the right thing to do'.  Oh well, if you say so, that's all right then, I'll say no more about it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on August 07, 2011, 10:42:16 pm
The more I think of this the more phrases I realise I know so well that I think of them as everyday conversation rather than management speak.  A few more - heads up, flag up, on my radar, backfill, KT.  And I spend most of my working day escalating. 

One that does irritate me is when senior executives justify an action on the grounds that 'it was the right thing to do'.  Oh well, if you say so, that's all right then, I'll say no more about it.

;D
I do admit to having used the phrase 'exactly that' when I couldn't be bothered to re-explain something so that they understand it better.
The following conversation:
Me: (explain something fairly complex)
Colleague: "what do you mean?"
Me: "well, exactly that!"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bluebottle on August 09, 2011, 08:21:01 pm
Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on August 09, 2011, 08:24:35 pm
Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???

Deleverage - isn't that the verb for trying to counter the effect of viewing spectacular decolletage?  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rower40 on August 10, 2011, 08:09:14 am
Did I really hear someone use "deleverage" on the Today programme this morning???
Yebbut it was in the "Business" news, so it doesn't really count.  (Not that "Business" should = "The City", but it does in the strange world of Radio 4.  What the rest of us do is just Industrial.)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Flying Duck on August 10, 2011, 08:23:18 am
A couple that get used in the team - but probably not used by the people that use the phrases already listed:

"Fur coat and no knickers"

"He's put his trousers on before his pants"

Both generally related to the keen beanies that work in the development team that come up whizzy ideas that basically don't work but get delivered because it "ticks a box" on their upward career - leaving us poor thickies in operations to unpick the mess left behind  and come up with a way of getting it to work ie a manual "work-around". Whist the keen beanie goes on to "bigger and better things" - most of them get found out eventually tho.     O:-)

They have no substance and don't understand that getting the basics right is more important that implementing a new feature that doesn't actually work.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on August 11, 2011, 05:12:49 pm
Today I found myself thanking a colleague for helping to get a piece of work 'over the line'.  Dammit !

I've also realised how often I use the word 'bandwidth' when referring to colleagues rather than machinery.   C'est la vie.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Greenbank on August 11, 2011, 05:25:18 pm
I've also realised how often I use the word 'bandwidth' when referring to colleagues rather than machinery.   C'est la vie.

I've got quite good at stomping on that whenever it comes up.

Them: "Jeff says he may be able to do <task X> but might not have the bandwidth."
Me: "By 'bandwidth' do you mean time?"
Them: "Er, yes."
Me: "Thanks."

...a few occurrences later...

Them: "Does anyone have the bandw...err...time to help so and so doing <task foo>?"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on August 11, 2011, 11:15:28 pm
We are now going through a phase of "backlog pruning". Shuffling things under the carpet, then, really.  ::-) ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on August 12, 2011, 07:43:25 pm
I bought some shares today because the mid week short selling pulse had bottomed out market values below yield, balance sheet and bond returns.  (They were cheap)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ariadne on August 23, 2011, 06:31:05 pm
Let's engage in a conversation to enable a soup-to-nuts deconstruction, or 'deep-dive', if you will.

 :sick:

Hehe, you just made me look really in-the-know today, thanks! A client was reading something and said "'Soup-to-nuts'? What...?" and I was able to explain and look like I'm in touch with the lingo...

Not that she was very impressed. "Who finishes with nuts?"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Phil on August 23, 2011, 06:40:30 pm
My boss has an annoying habit of assigning people a 'hollywood principle'.  This is especially confusing as we're all developers and have a particular understanding (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_Principle) of the term. 

What he means is 'I'll assume this is working unless you say otherwise'.  If he'd only say that instead of clinging to his stupid invented jargon, he wouldn't have to explain himself all the bloody time. 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on August 23, 2011, 08:14:06 pm
My boss has an annoying habit of assigning people a 'hollywood principle'.  This is especially confusing as we're all developers and have a particular understanding (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_Principle) of the term. 

What he means is 'I'll assume this is working unless you say otherwise'.  If he'd only say that instead of clinging to his stupid invented jargon, he wouldn't have to explain himself all the bloody time.

Prince 2 exception reporting?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: scott on August 23, 2011, 09:53:54 pm

This thread has me alternately cracking up and groaning in severe pain. Ever since somebody decided that "government should be more like business*," this management-speak has been spreading like a fungus.

* Don't get me started.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Androcles on August 23, 2011, 11:58:37 pm
The rot started when people became "resource" while computers and telephones became "assets".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: padbeat on August 24, 2011, 12:01:34 am
"So, Mr Padbeat, what are we going to do about this breaker conundrum?"

"Well, Sir, first of all we're going to call it a defect, not a conundrum. It is neither difficult nor confusing. We don't know what it is, but my team are both qualified and experienced, and between us we have seen all that there is to see on breaker defects. We will have a sitrep shortly. In the mean time the stores 'conundrum' was due to a supply chain dickhead, the Vibration Analysis 'conundrum' wasn't a significant deviation from the mean and the rota 'conundrum' was sorted by me writing it and telling everyone what to do."

In the words of Inigo Montoya, I don't think that word means what you think it means. And you are using it to death. And it makes me want to explain that to you in front of our subordinates.







Sir.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Charlotte on August 25, 2011, 01:16:10 pm






Sir.

There's a very particular* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?

;D


*c.f. Traffic police hossifers
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: padbeat on August 26, 2011, 01:19:45 am






Sir.

There's a very particular* and very British way that one can use the word "Sir" and actually mean, "you slack-jawed, dribbling dullard" isn't there?

;D


*c.f. Traffic police hossifers
*and very senior NCOs to Officers who think they know everything
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tonycollinet on September 24, 2011, 12:54:51 pm
(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/60000/8000/600/68624/68624.strip.gif)


OK - I've gone into dilbert browse mode - here's another

(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/70000/8000/500/78512/78512.strip.gif)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on September 28, 2011, 08:40:35 am
Latest communiqué from The Mgt.

Quote from: Batshit Crazy Person

As you are aware the rebranding for the Harlow site has begun to bring our office up to date with the fantastic new BigCo brand.


As far as I can tell, we have been "brought up to date" by the application of a red stripe to the glass divider next to the entry turnstiles.

Quote from: Batshit Crazy Person

Keep an eye out for more exciting branding around the building!


Exciting branding?  How empty must one's life be to find branding "exciting"?  I may have to go and pick daisies on the railway embankment when the next Stansted Express is due.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 05, 2011, 08:46:38 am
Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:

Quote from: Employee X

[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.


It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on October 05, 2011, 09:13:49 am
A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round. 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Panoramix on October 05, 2011, 10:00:01 am
A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on October 05, 2011, 10:02:57 am
Meanwhile, the "Project Lead" on "Global Rights & Royalties" writes:

Quote from: Employee X

[...] we are introducing a standardised product format coding structure to replace the existing free format text field so we can understand the data better and we want to leverage what main business units are doing as far as possible rather than re-invent the wheel.


It'll probably involve some imagineering too, I expect.

It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.

..d
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on October 05, 2011, 11:29:37 am
Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 05, 2011, 12:42:26 pm
It was going quite well until the wheel bit.. Plain speech up till then.

Except for using "leverage" as a verb, which is strongly deprecated and a Bad Thing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on October 05, 2011, 01:22:53 pm

Engineers like to think that they can be creative people.
[/quote]

And they can be creative, but imagineering – I mean! I have come to expect this sort of meaningless drivel from architects but this bloke was a CEng. I presume that he had been convinced by some marketing……type that it was a good idea to say that. At times it is hard to supress a sort of Marge Simpsonesque sigh when having to listen to otherwise sensible people come out with bollocks like this.

With apologies to anyone offended, I have been subjected to a almost constant drip of low-level twattery recently. Mods move to more appropriate thread if necessary.

Juan
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on October 05, 2011, 01:31:11 pm
I thought the word imagineering was trademarked by Disney.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Panoramix on October 05, 2011, 01:34:50 pm

And they can be creative

Ah thank you!

No offence taken, certainly not the best wording but I can see why he thought it was a good idea to say this.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on October 05, 2011, 03:22:01 pm
wasn't from ove arup by any chance was he?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on October 05, 2011, 03:51:07 pm
Not on this occasion, I can’t remember who it was now…and to be fair it was a fairly harmless comment – although they had gone to the trouble of putting it in their prospectus come brochure thingy. They probably would have been fine but saying something like that does tend to invite the question: What do you mean by Imagineering? and presumably the marketing chap hadn’t gone into that much detail so we got an um…errr…waffly response which, with further fairness, is pretty much all you can do with such twaddle.

Not sure I’d want to play with Ove Arup again in a hurry though…but no names, no pack horses.

Juan
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Torslanda on October 06, 2011, 02:19:30 pm
Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW

That will no doubt be the reason why my 30yr career car crash has seen me rise to the dizzying hights of 'parts advisor' with possibly the shittiest firm in existence.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Torslanda on October 06, 2011, 02:33:53 pm
A customer has just asked me to send him 'a pair of wipers for a tranny'

I said I wasn't sure it was a good swap . . .
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on October 06, 2011, 02:34:19 pm
Our management speak is clearly fixed in the Dark Ages.At jogler'sLtd you get....

worralodeabolux
justfookindoeeet
gizusthemoney

& such like

there are few "misunderstandings"
FTW

One of the best The Boss I ever had usually referred to us munchkins as "you scummy little toerags" and his favoured method of getting us to stop fannying around and do some work was "Do X or I'll rip yer nipples off".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on October 06, 2011, 03:25:40 pm
^^^
simarlily my boss in Epsom referred to me (the only employee not a native of The Greater London area) as that dirtyfingernailedclothcappedNorthernprofitfodder.He was sufficiently generous to fund several very boozy outings lunch breaks & evening staff meetings per month in The Kings Arms in East Street in the said Epsom.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on October 07, 2011, 08:43:06 am
A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

See today's Dilbert (http://www.dilbert.com).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rykard on October 07, 2011, 08:58:48 am
A few years ago when interviewing engineering consultants for a large infrastructure project in the City of London one team claimed that they were not just engineers, but ‘imagineers’. I pretty much felt that I had heard enough at that point. They didn’t proceed to the next round.

See today's Dilbert (http://www.dilbert.com).

link fixed
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on October 07, 2011, 09:13:57 am
Oops!  Now fixed in original.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rykard on October 07, 2011, 09:36:22 am
sometimes it seems like dilbert's author works in my office  :-[
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 23, 2011, 11:17:29 am
Since our area of the BigCo has been reorganisated, I have a The Boss who can actually be arsed with appraisals.  Here are some of the things we're supposed to be good at:

Focus on the crux of issues, and identifies high-leverage intervention points and strategies
Synthesize concepts and information from a variety of sources or disciplines to arrive at a broad, deep understanding of issues
Approach problems from a systems perspective, defining connections, linkages, and interdependencies
Demonstrate understanding of the financial and economic levers that impact business performance

and finally

Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos

Tape silos? Grain silos?  Intercontinental ballistic missile silos?  What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 23, 2011, 11:33:20 am
sometimes it seems like dilbert's author works in my office  :-[
You could probably read Dilbert as being about techy idiots, who refuse to make everyone's life easier by trying to understand the great insights handed out by management.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on November 23, 2011, 01:20:12 pm
SWMBO got a letter from Da New Management the other day saying how there was to be a meeting to 'Project their vision for going forward after their recent kalaidoscoipc review of the company'.

My eyes were bleeding after reading that load of bollocks.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on November 23, 2011, 01:41:54 pm
Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos

Tape silos? Grain silos?  Intercontinental ballistic missile silos?  What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???

A term beloved by HAL.

Silo = shorthand for a team of people who keep knowledge to themselves. Officially a bad thing, but there are any number of managers who promote this behaviour to ensure their continued existence within Big Corp.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on November 23, 2011, 02:03:52 pm
A company I used to work for had a certain piece of management information which took about a couple of man days to produce, but which was valuable to the various functions in the company.
Our department had produced it, and another department wanted access to it but didn't want to / couldn't contribute manpower to the production of it. The obvious solution to this problem for our department was to prevent the other department having access to it.  ::-) Obvious, really. This was two different departments of the same company, not two different companies.  ???  ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 23, 2011, 04:17:47 pm
"Knowledge silos"
is how I've normally heard this. In that form it's quite a good descriptive expression.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Efrogwr on November 23, 2011, 05:00:23 pm
"Knowledge silos"
is how I've normally heard this. In that form it's quite a good descriptive expression.

The problem is that the monkeys imitate the style without understanding the meaning or the context.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Giropaul on November 23, 2011, 05:09:49 pm
Since our area of the BigCo has been reorganisated, I have a The Boss who can actually be arsed with appraisals.  Here are some of the things we're supposed to be good at:

Focus on the crux of issues, and identifies high-leverage intervention points and strategies
Synthesize concepts and information from a variety of sources or disciplines to arrive at a broad, deep understanding of issues
Approach problems from a systems perspective, defining connections, linkages, and interdependencies
Demonstrate understanding of the financial and economic levers that impact business performance

and finally

Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos

Tape silos? Grain silos?  Intercontinental ballistic missile silos?  What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???

Silos as in bigger versions of chimneys - as in "managing in chimneys" - i.e. vertical rather than horizontal communication/management systems  :smug:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on November 23, 2011, 05:21:39 pm
Silos as in bigger versions of chimneys - as in "managing in chimneys" - i.e. vertical rather than horizontal communication/management systems  :smug:

But silos are stand alone storage entities. Chimneys are merely an exit route for a waste product.

'Knowledge silo' isn't such a bad term in this context, it's certainly easier to say than 'stand alone knowledge storage entity'.

(AGH !!!   Am I turning into a purveyor of crap management speak ?)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 23, 2011, 05:25:34 pm
My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on November 23, 2011, 07:24:01 pm
It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).

I am not always sure that the distinction between having silos and just being a bit structured is considered. If something is your job and not mine, it's better if I know only as much as I need to about it; any more and I'll drown in everyone else's job without doing mine.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 23, 2011, 07:40:05 pm
I am not always sure that the distinction between having silos and just being a bit structured is considered. If something is your job and not mine, it's better if I know only as much as I need to about it; any more and I'll drown in everyone else's job without doing mine.
The problem (at most places I've worked) is when people confuse a bit of "structure" with
not telling any other fucker how this shit works, or how to use it.

Still, we may have strayed into discussing real problems, when we're supposed to be slagging off management bullshit.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tonycollinet on November 23, 2011, 08:40:09 pm
Build collaboration by removing barriers and breaking down silos

Tape silos? Grain silos?  Intercontinental ballistic missile silos?  What the fucking fuck of Fuckhamptonshire does this mean ???

A term beloved by HAL.

Silo = shorthand for a team of people who keep knowledge to themselves. Officially a bad thing, but there are any number of managers who promote this behaviour to ensure their continued existence within Big Corp.

(http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/100000/30000/0000/600/130657/130657.strip.gif)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 24, 2011, 11:18:45 am
Meanwhile, in the Tower of Barad-Dûr, cow-orkers N and J are being rightsized.  They are project managers.

PHB: So, who will be taking on your projects after you've left?
N: Fucked if I know.  J and I are the only project managers in the place and you've made both of us redundant!
PHB: Oh...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pancho on November 24, 2011, 11:23:07 am
We have "stovepipes" round here rather than "silos" or "chimneys".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 24, 2011, 11:24:50 am
Stovepipes, silos, chimneys, meh it is not english and do not make sense.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on November 24, 2011, 11:45:41 am
Stovepipes, silos, chimneys, meh it is not english and do not make sense.

Correct.  To be English the chimneys would need cheeky cockney urchins sweeping them out.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on November 24, 2011, 11:47:56 am
My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
A William of Ockham for our times.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Marco Stefano on November 24, 2011, 12:45:36 pm
It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).

If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on November 24, 2011, 01:22:00 pm
Quote
Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate

 :-\
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on November 24, 2011, 01:28:48 pm
It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).

If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.

Try drinking tea without it  - you need to ween yourself off if you've got that much of a sweet tooth imho. n ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on November 24, 2011, 01:56:34 pm
It's sometimes worth remembering, however, what would happen if you stood among a group of silos, and then removed them (the silos, but not their contents).

If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.

Now that's what I call a Sugar Rush!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Clare on November 24, 2011, 04:38:47 pm
Quote
Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate

 :-\


Doughnuts.

To achieve the circularisation you should circulate doughnuts.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kathy on November 24, 2011, 05:29:09 pm
Quote
Could you please circularise your staff to ascertain if any are willing to participate

 :-\


Doughnuts.

To achieve the circularisation you should circulate doughnuts.

Doughnuts with some of Marco's sugar!  :smug:

Meanwhile, I have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss how our particular team "lives" the company ethos of "Every Day Matters". HR have even come up with some draft statements for us to consider:

Quote
Every Day Matters is about proactively engaging with and understanding the market we are in and the people we serve, to competitively price products that make financial security easier to achieve.

Every Day Matters is about being proactive innovatros [sic] in the development of competive [sic] pricing and management of risk to provide financial seciryt [sic] for our customers.

We deliver Every Day Matters to our customers by being expert, proactive and innovative in the managemnet [sic] of risk and pricing.

Every Day Matters is about being outstanding in our approach to understanding risk, competitive pricing and being experts in bulk purchase annuities.

*sigh*

If I must choose, I like the last statement best, simply because it doesn't abuse the English language quite so much.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 24, 2011, 06:20:04 pm
Kathy, your place sounds hilarious.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss how our particular team "lives" the company ethos of "Every Day Matters".
Quote
...
Every Day Matters is about being outstanding in our approach to understanding risk, competitive pricing and being experts in bulk purchase annuities.

*sigh*

If I must choose, I like the last statement best, simply because it doesn't abuse the English language quite so much.
Are you sure? It talks about "... being outstanding in our approach to being experts in bulk purchase annuities."

I think your team motto, should be:
_ Living the Company Ethos _

(oh, and look out for Innovatros - he sounds like a really bad-arse alien super-villain).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on November 24, 2011, 06:25:49 pm
If I did that here, I would be submerged in up to 95,000 tonnes of granulated sugar. Not to be recommended.
Which is roughly what would happen with corporate information if all silos were truly removed :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on November 25, 2011, 01:13:09 am
My tip would be to simply avoid the word
entity
.. unless you are forced to use it in a specific technical context. Mkay?
A William of Ockham for our times.
Entity can be a useful word.

But most of the time it reminds me of dysentery.

And innovatros sounds like a pharmaceutical product alluding to an albatross.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on November 25, 2011, 01:18:06 pm
[IMS]

Quote from: Not My Employer. Phew!
In the new year we will be de-leveraging select parts of our business stream in order to downscale our per-annum expenditures and increase efficiency.

Translation: After Christmas we will fire some of you and expect the rest of you to do the same amount of work, with a lower headcount. This is mainly due to the fact that I have just given myself a pay-rise of £100,000 on top of my existing £280,000ish salary and also directors will be getting bonuses at Christmas, which we will pay for with your jobs. p.s. non-management staff will not get an xmas bonus and the pay-freeze remains in place. Meeeeeerry Christmas.

[/IMS]

Luckily my friend happens to be in the position where they have been a bit sickly recently, change of the weather and all that, wot-ho, and just so happens, by pure coincidence you understand, to ready to de-leverage himself from the business stream in order to upscale his per-annum income a smidge and not work for quite such an odious bunch of fapsocks.

The business I work for has had a few dealings with another part of the one that he is soon to stop working for and I can wholeheartedly agree that they are shysters.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 25, 2011, 01:29:19 pm
Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?

That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 25, 2011, 03:54:56 pm
I trust, Jacomus, your mate will stick around long enough to trouser a de-leveragement payment  ;D

The good news is that our 2011 appraisals are to be conducted by Old The Boss, who is encouraging us to be as sarky as we like while filling in the manky forms.  This could be fun :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on November 25, 2011, 04:10:32 pm
Our managers are all excellent so they have to go on a workshop to "... discuss and experience how to become 'more excellent' "
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on November 25, 2011, 05:18:44 pm
Wow.
"De-leveraging" ?!?

That must go straight into the top 10. (although not if you're on the wrong end of it, obviously ... )

We were talking about it and came to the conclusion that 'de-leveraging' comprehensively beats even Dilbert's 'rightsizing' in the IMS stakes when talking about laying people off.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on February 02, 2012, 09:41:43 pm
We may have to walk that back to the pivot.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tonycollinet on February 02, 2012, 10:25:23 pm
For the love of God!

Ideation.

As in "the ideation phase of the process"

You know, the bit where we think of things to do  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on February 03, 2012, 08:34:06 am
Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on February 09, 2012, 11:47:42 am
Customer intimacy
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on February 09, 2012, 12:08:55 pm
Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on February 09, 2012, 12:46:19 pm
fapsocks.

Well I've learned something that's going to be useful at work, for sure.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hellymedic on February 09, 2012, 03:31:45 pm
Ideation. Oh dear. It hardly seems worth going on now. (weeps)

Ideation is legitimate psychiatry jargonspeak.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hellymedic on February 09, 2012, 03:34:32 pm
Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......

My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on February 09, 2012, 03:46:54 pm
Customer intimacy

If some sales twonk tries to get their hands on my John Thomas then there is gonna be a fight......

My partner is frequently unhappy that my bank sends me letters from my Relationship Manager...

Aye. I'm married to my Relationship Manager  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on March 20, 2012, 11:00:29 am
OK lightweights, cop for this example-

Following a proposal made by the Joint Information Management Unit (JIMU) both BigCo and BiggerCo have decided to align their Information Risk Appetites to the AdvisoryBody category of ‘Cautious’.
The ‘Information Risk Appetite’ is the way that organisations decide how much risk they are willing to accept when procuring a new information system, starting a new project or initiative and where personal or sensitive information will be used. In turn this will dictate what levels of information security and the type of IT that will be required to keep the information safe.
Until recently BigCo and BiggerCo had different ‘Information Risk Appetites’ and it was becoming increasingly difficult for the collaborated units in Information Management and ICT to identify and respond to the different requirements of the CombinedCo’sThis alignment will allows both CombinedCo’s to have a similar approach to policy and procedure and to develop new joint standards, policy and procedures necessary to consolidate the approach to manage information risk within the collaborative arrangements.

For further Information Contact:

BolloxTalking Manager
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Clare on March 20, 2012, 11:09:44 am
Fuzzy wins.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on March 20, 2012, 11:17:11 am
Chuffing nora!  :o
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on March 20, 2012, 11:26:03 am
Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on March 20, 2012, 12:16:11 pm
Oh dear. Fuzzy's post made perfect sense to me.

And me.  Simply harmonising their risk appetites.  They'll probably expect to realize some synergies from that.   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on March 20, 2012, 12:43:26 pm
Fuzzy, can't you nick 'em for clevering?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Clare on March 20, 2012, 12:45:21 pm
It's rather worrying that they have created a phrase with a TLA of IRA.

Or am I just showing my age?

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fruitcake on March 20, 2012, 12:46:28 pm
Must stop reading this thread in case I start using these words
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on March 20, 2012, 01:04:25 pm
Sounds to me like it is a Joint Information Systems Management
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on March 20, 2012, 01:29:39 pm
It's rather worrying that they have created a phrase with a TLA of IRA.

Or am I just showing my age?

Individual Retirement Account (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individual_retirement_account), I assume? ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Clare on March 20, 2012, 02:09:29 pm
Something like that.

Although I suppose they did "retire" a few individuals...

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: iddu on March 21, 2012, 03:24:49 pm
...have decided to align their Information Risk Appetites to the AdvisoryBody category of ‘Cautious’.

So...dumbed down, or hardened up? Doesn't tell you anything relevant about how it's going to screw over your access ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 26, 2012, 08:06:37 pm
I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

I'm not sure why; it's not like it would've been difficult to go home sick.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PaulF on June 26, 2012, 08:11:45 pm
From our team meeting;

"I don't know what's happening with the takeover but it's good news"

and no, he isn't party to confidential information but trying to drop  subtle hint, merely clueless
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pancho on June 26, 2012, 08:15:32 pm
I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on June 26, 2012, 08:19:15 pm
onboarding is onna boat,is it not?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 26, 2012, 08:56:32 pm
I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?

You stole the opening line for a course I created ("think of it as waterboarding with Powerpoint"). To my eternal shame, or quite possibly pride, I am responsible for a course entitled Sales Onboarding 101. On the plus side, it's features a sarcastic stuffed sea otter called Rick. Oddly, that's the only sales training course they've asked me to do.

That said, I am aboard one of our motherships (subdeck 14G), so strictly speaking we are onboarding our minions. Well, we beam them up with the mulderator. You should where we insert knowledge.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 27, 2012, 12:26:57 pm
I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

Is that like waterboarding but with powerpoint?

Most things involving powerpoint are a bit like waterboarding.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on July 05, 2012, 07:08:11 pm
"Let's get the blood on the table"   Priceless  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pancho on July 05, 2012, 08:09:44 pm
When things go wrong, the MD demands we have a "drains up" - which I think translates as "find someone to blame".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on July 05, 2012, 09:01:31 pm
Today's bad smell that wafted down from the mothership bridge encouraged 'customer intimacy'.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on July 06, 2012, 08:36:01 am
Today's bad smell that wafted down from the mothership bridge encouraged 'customer intimacy'.
Probably just the modern version of "touching base".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Riggers on July 06, 2012, 08:41:42 am
Not 'touching cloth' then?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on July 06, 2012, 12:45:33 pm
Given what we've had to clear up from our reception area today, that must be the public sector version.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on September 01, 2012, 09:15:07 am
'Haircut' seems to be trending at the moment, as in 'giving budgets a haircut'.

Also 'reaching out' - 'reach out to Bob', meaning go and speak to Bob. 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SandyV on September 01, 2012, 11:46:29 am

my company seems to have gone mad on reaching out too.  Comes from HR I think.  As does 'onboarding' which makes me think of conductors checking tickets.  Apparently very important to reach out while onboarding.

At least we're no longer being constantly exhorted to "touch the business".
.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Dibdib on September 01, 2012, 12:09:25 pm
Probably been done upthread but a common one I keep hearing is "to align", as in "can you align with Bob about the approach for that project" which nods to some kind of mutual understanding and consensus but actually means "go and tell Bob we're doing it my way until he either agrees or his ears bleed."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on September 01, 2012, 12:42:46 pm
Probably been done upthread but a common one I keep hearing is "to align", as in "can you align with Bob about the approach for that project" which nods to some kind of mutual understanding and consensus but actually means "go and tell Bob we're doing it my way until he either agrees or his ears bleed."

aka 'positioning'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on September 01, 2012, 02:22:56 pm
'Haircut' seems to be trending at the moment

Pardon? It's doing what?!?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on September 01, 2012, 02:35:16 pm
trending...

as in

SR's are expected to be trending as PBP 2015 approaches

 ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on September 01, 2012, 05:28:05 pm
I think 'trending' is more social media-speak than management-speak
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: geoff on September 03, 2012, 12:34:40 pm
we have lovely consultants helping us at present who speak of "socialising" solutions.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on September 03, 2012, 12:37:48 pm
"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on September 03, 2012, 12:45:21 pm
Tee up?

I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on September 03, 2012, 12:52:58 pm
"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Oscar's dad on September 03, 2012, 12:55:19 pm
I went to an onboarding presentation the other day.

We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on September 03, 2012, 12:56:16 pm
'He's been wheelsucking the project for a while now' - he's not been pulling his weight/contributing
'Your team are setting a good tempo' - The project is going well so you can shaft your unerlings and take all the glory yourself
'It's more of a domestique role' - you are nto going to be allowed to make any decisions.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on September 03, 2012, 12:56:46 pm
We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.

Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Oscar's dad on September 03, 2012, 01:02:22 pm
We've just started doing "onboarding" sessions!  They seem to have replaced accreditation and induction sessions.  I've no idea what the difference is.

Accidentally refer to them as waterboarding sessions..

Please don't make suggestions like that as I almost certainly will.  It's like a few years ago when someone told me a girl in channel marketing called Corina had acquired the nickname Margot  (as in Leadbetter from the Goodlife) but she didn't know and would be VERY upset if she ever found out.  What did I genuinely do by accident?  Was she upset?  Yes she was.   VERY

 :hand:   ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: red marley on September 03, 2012, 01:09:25 pm
I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.

Our senior management have already encouraged us to adopt 'marginal gains' following from Dave Brailsford's outstanding work. In the process, completing misunderstanding what he actually did by assuming it just means work 1% harder in every aspect of your job.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on September 03, 2012, 02:07:19 pm
"We need to tee up a discussion about the use of accessible language in our marketing material, when are you available between $date-$date for a thought piece on the issue?" :facepalm:
"tee up"? Presumably this is preparation for smashing the thing into deep forest.

Sadly, the use of 'thought piece' instead of 'meeting' makes me think not.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on September 03, 2012, 05:08:44 pm
tea up? a cracking idea grommit!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rig of Jarkness on September 03, 2012, 07:41:46 pm
I think we should think of some cycling-related mangagement phrases that we can use in meetings and see how quickly they spread.

Excellent idea - chapeau ! (I'll try that one in the office tomorrow.  Might not work with our offshore resources..)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on September 03, 2012, 08:27:00 pm
Slightly off-topic. A chum of mine who works at <name of hospital redacted for legal reasons> has a TLA which describes a surprisingly large part of the office bound worker's life.  MWI - Meetings With Imbeciles. 

I find that it helps,  when confronted by a situation, jargon or "management" practice that would have any right minded person reaching for a  blunt instrument and a sack of quick lime,  that chanting "MWI" softly for a minute or two keeps my murderous rage under control.  Usually.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on September 03, 2012, 09:18:16 pm
"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name].  This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."

Word for word.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on September 03, 2012, 09:43:05 pm
"I am pleased to announce the appointment of ***** ***** to the position of Process Optimisation Manager effective today, in the [insert department name].  This new role will focus on delivering efficiency improvements to key processes owned by the [insert dept name] and implementing automated KPIs, whilst linking with the [insert offshore arm of the dept] sustainable process improvement initiatives (SPI) programme."

Word for word.
=== writes the quality manual

Which is then ignored
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on September 04, 2012, 11:33:13 am
tea up? a cracking idea grommit!

Drum up.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SandyV on September 06, 2012, 07:01:33 am
"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points. While the majority of the data points will be intuitive (e.g. personnel contact information), there are some new data points which we have previously not captured, however will help BigCo in its journey to becoming an Employer of Choice globally, as we will be able to undertake accurate diversity/sustainability reporting."   :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Baron Brymbo von Pickelhaube on September 06, 2012, 07:55:14 am
"To that end, your local HR Advisor will shortly be reaching out to you to help plug some gaps that we have in our pre-existing data as well as getting us to a baseline with some new data points...
Two of my favourites in one sentence - "to reach out" and "pre-existing".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pancho on September 06, 2012, 08:07:04 am
If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SandyV on September 06, 2012, 08:32:34 am
If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?

 ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on September 06, 2012, 11:40:45 am
de-leveraging your functionality?

disencruiting?

ramping down employee resource count?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on September 06, 2012, 11:51:56 am
If induction is now known as "onboarding", is redundancy now "overboarding"?

offboarding, or in past times, 'walking the plank'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on September 06, 2012, 03:02:50 pm
Making constructive dismissal "springboarding"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on September 06, 2012, 03:22:50 pm
"I don't think Ian will support your application"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on September 07, 2012, 08:39:35 pm
If you think about it, "retiree" fits this thread.

An "ee" is someone to whom something is done. A decision is handed to a referee. A lessor lets to a lessee.

A retiree is someone who has been retired.

I plan on being a retirer. But you never know what life will bring.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on September 08, 2012, 09:36:46 am
tea up? a cracking idea grommit!

Drum up.
As in,  "to drum up support"?  If so then this one goes back a loooong way.  Probably to the practice of recruiting parties (and other mountebanks) having someone beating a drum to attract the attention of the yokels as a prelude to trying to sell some deeply dodgy idea (like getting killed in a foreign war for the local headman is better than following the plough)  or useless product (anything make by K-Tel or Ronco - one for older readers there).  Not sure that makes it, "insane management speak", more, "devious marketing scum speak".   Alert readers may be able to detect slight traces of bias in the foregoing. 

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on September 08, 2012, 09:53:19 am
Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jogler on September 08, 2012, 05:33:02 pm
Drum up also means to mash a brew in the open air during a pause in a bike ride, so I have no problem with that at all.

that's what I meant
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on October 15, 2012, 03:48:25 pm
Quote
The granularity and sophistication by which the activities and resources are carried out will vary as a factor of how the forum scales up
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on October 15, 2012, 08:11:51 pm
No, granularity varies as a factor of how the kettle scales up.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on October 15, 2012, 08:23:25 pm
You are bust. Oh, ok then will restrict my bonus to £6m this year.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hellymedic on April 01, 2013, 01:00:38 am
Diamond Geezer has them all in his blog post today...http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk (http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.co.uk)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on April 11, 2013, 08:45:43 am
I've failed to really get started with cycling-related analogies in meetings. Yesterday though I managed to get something like this into a project meeting

   -There's a small benefit but it would be tricky to implement. If we need that extra push... if we need to go to 11...

So I'll repeat that whenever it's even slightly appropriate. And perhaps when it's not- since that seems typical. I misquoted but that gives it a kind of authenticity.

I can't wait until a project team has a key member redeployed; time for a Jazz Odyssey reference.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on April 11, 2013, 01:19:08 pm
is it just my work where the term "workshop" has sprung up as a euphemism for "meeting" or is this used in other offices?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Wombat on April 11, 2013, 01:23:22 pm
You're not entirely alone.  Its a way of saying "meeting, but hopefully a bit more productive than sitting on your arse and pontificating"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on April 11, 2013, 01:37:02 pm
though actually less.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on April 11, 2013, 02:02:47 pm
Where I am workshops tend to be about promoting management 'initiatives', whereas meetings are where you discuss ways to work around the effects of earlier initiatives.

On another topic, our CEO often says 'for sure'. Like 'our competitors are working just as hard to secure market share, for sure'. Recently I've noticed a lot of senior managers using the same phrase with some regularity.

One day I want to hear the CEO say 'we must go to 11, for sure'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on April 11, 2013, 02:11:10 pm
Now thinking of the guitar solo/ violin tuning tweak scene. That happens a lot at work doesn't it?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 11, 2013, 03:12:56 pm
You're only allowed to say "for sure" if:


Anyone else doing so is clearly a git.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on April 11, 2013, 03:18:35 pm
For sure
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on April 11, 2013, 03:31:20 pm
Our CEO is Danish, so perhaps he's excused. Some of those adopting the phrase are from the UK.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on April 11, 2013, 03:32:21 pm
Is your CEO a rally driver?  Scandinavians seem terribly good at that sort of thing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on June 14, 2013, 08:54:33 am
A colleague has been sent a short note from one of our offices in the Far East that notes that they have suggested to PO (presumably someone in that office) that ‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’. The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.

WTF are they talking about?

Actually, after puzzling over this for about 10 minutes I think I understand it but why do they feel the need to 'communicate' like this.

GRRRR!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Greenbank on June 14, 2013, 10:34:00 am
‘he can perhaps leverage your team for our upcoming data centre refit’

"He can perhaps ask your team for help, guidance and/or assistance for our upcoming data centre refit"

The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggesting that this is something to which my team will be able to add value.

"The colleague has forwarded the note to me suggestion that this is something which my team can help with."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Juan Martín on June 14, 2013, 01:03:24 pm
Thanks for that and yes, I came to the same conclusion that this is probably what they mean. I'll let you know if it isn't!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on June 14, 2013, 01:16:11 pm
being a somewhat outlier group in the department in terms of our discipline, we spent a year trying to ensure that every seminar we gave had the phrase 'multidimensional hyperspace', which really means we are exmaining the effect of two or more variables..
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ashaman42 on June 14, 2013, 01:19:39 pm
The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Greenbank on June 14, 2013, 01:43:32 pm
The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.

Just wait until it morphs into "On a go forward basis".

"basis" seems to be a very important management speak word. I mean, why just say "daily" when you can say "on a day to day basis"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 14, 2013, 06:26:41 pm
From our increasingly deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.

I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 14, 2013, 07:07:45 pm
The new manager at work keeps using the phrase "Going forward", makes me grin and think of this thread everytime.

Every manager, plus a good number of drones, use 'going forward' where I work.

I even use it myself, 'in future' is beginning to sound weird.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on June 14, 2013, 07:13:45 pm
From our increasing deranged marketing and product management apparatus: 'start socializing the changes to the process'.

I've been exposed to levels of management- and marketing-speak that would kill a normal man, but even I had a wtf for a moment there. I presume they mean communicate. For people whose job is in fact communication they're curiously and splendidly bad at it.

That is particularly irritating.

My outfit 'socialised' the changes to the group's travel policy, and they are still, genuinely, scratching their collective heads trying to work out why no-one complies with it, about five years after the event.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 14, 2013, 07:36:44 pm
'start socializing the changes to the process'.


Haven't heard that one yet, my organisation is- ahem- behind the curve when it comes to the implementation of insane management speak but when they do implement it is done very enthusiastically.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on June 14, 2013, 08:29:53 pm
Our director has a new one. People are "sighted on" or "not sighted on" a variety of projects at the moment.  >:(
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rogerzilla on June 14, 2013, 09:50:46 pm
Surely that's sightist?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PhilO on June 15, 2013, 09:48:42 am
Are you sure it's not 'cited'?

Not that it makes much (any?) sense, either way.  :facepalm:


Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on June 16, 2013, 09:27:54 am
Maybe they are sitting or camping on the projects?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 17, 2013, 10:27:20 am
'start socializing the changes to the process'.


Haven't heard that one yet, my organisation is- ahem- behind the curve when it comes to the implementation of insane management speak but when they do implement it is done very enthusiastically.

We do proactive solution recommendations. I admit to using this one. It usually means that I'm about to really, really rude to someone aboard the mothership.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Greenbank on June 29, 2013, 08:35:38 pm
Me: "What's that you're doing?"

Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."

("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Vince on July 08, 2013, 01:58:30 pm
Me: "What's that you're doing?"

Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."

("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
You're OK. The correct reply would have been "Actually, no, its not a game, it's an opportunity."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Sergeant Pluck on July 08, 2013, 02:03:32 pm
Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Greenbank on July 08, 2013, 02:19:10 pm
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Thor on July 11, 2013, 09:23:00 am
Mrs Thor was recently advised by a manager that he would be "verbatim-ing your comments"  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on July 11, 2013, 12:36:54 pm
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on July 14, 2013, 10:21:38 am
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it!  >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.

(No, not a pet hate at all...)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rogerzilla on July 14, 2013, 10:32:01 am
Me: "What's that you're doing?"

Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."

("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
I tend to use "game" as a verb, as in "they've learnt to game the risk ratings".  This is legitimate English as it means "to play for a stake" or (in this case) "to take dishonest advantage of".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on July 14, 2013, 12:09:40 pm
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it!  >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.

(No, not a pet hate at all...)

Leverage is a lost battle and I think it's fine to use in a generic context, much like reflected in the finance usage, to indicate using something small to a larger advantage, as a figurative lever. It's quite a useful word. What it is though, is still massively overused. We leverage everything regardless of its leverability. Our entire management apparatus is in a perpetual, suspended state of leverage.

Innovative is bugging me. Someone decided a while back that everything we do is innovative. We're breathing innovation. We're probably farting innovation. We're bathed in an atmosphere of our own fragrant innovation. Thing is, dear marketing drone, if you have to tell someone that you're innovative, then you're probably not. Management have taken that on board and now they're innovating. We now have innovation everything, like it's a nasty rash.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Littlesox on July 14, 2013, 12:58:53 pm
Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?

Our CEO says "We are where we are" a lot.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on July 14, 2013, 06:18:01 pm
Me: "What's that you're doing?"

Her: "Well, basically, it's a game. Actually, no, it's not a game, it's a solution."

("Her" being 3.5 years old. What have I done?)
I tend to use "game" as a verb, as in "they've learnt to game the risk ratings".  This is legitimate English as it means "to play for a stake" or (in this case) "to take dishonest advantage of".

About the most direct one is allowed to be about private providers is to suggest they are 'gaming' the figures.  Harsh criticism indeed.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on July 14, 2013, 06:41:55 pm
Our chief exec has an irresistible urge to use the word "leveraged" or "leveraging" at least once per missive or utterance. He always pronounces it "levveridge", short "e", which I find just as annoying as the word itself. "Lee-verage" surely?

Our CEO says "We are where we are" a lot.

"well we're not where we're not, so we must be where we are"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 15, 2013, 04:55:23 pm
No silly catchphrases here, just good, old fashioned wordiness:

hereby informs that it intends, under Article 31a of the Polish Public Procurement Law (Dz. U. of 2010, No. 113, item 759, as amended), to carry out technical dialogue for the purpose of receiving advice allowing for obtaining information necessary for preparing the description of the object of the contract for:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on July 15, 2013, 07:06:03 pm
I make that a notice of talks about talks about talks about talks about a paper for signing.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 15, 2013, 08:05:52 pm
Don't want to be too hasty.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Wombat on July 16, 2013, 08:41:54 am
The financial usage of the word is "levveridge" (as you put it).
'coz it's Yank-speak, & that's how they sez it Over There.
...and almost everyone misuses it!  >:(
The financial meaning is to buy another company, borrowing the money to do so on the security of the company you're buying (e.g. Glazer Brothers and Man U). It does not mean 'telling a new client about stuff we do for our current clients' or any of the other meaningless 'I can't think of the right word so I'll use management-speak instead' ways it's used.

(No, not a pet hate at all...)

Leverage is a lost battle and I think it's fine to use in a generic context, much like reflected in the finance usage, to indicate using something small to a larger advantage, as a figurative lever. It's quite a useful word. What it is though, is still massively overused. We leverage everything regardless of its leverability. Our entire management apparatus is in a perpetual, suspended state of leverage.

Innovative is bugging me. Someone decided a while back that everything we do is innovative. We're breathing innovation. We're probably farting innovation. We're bathed in an atmosphere of our own fragrant innovation. Thing is, dear marketing drone, if you have to tell someone that you're innovative, then you're probably not. Management have taken that on board and now they're innovating. We now have innovation everything, like it's a nasty rash.

Grrrr, it is NOT a lost battle!  Stop bloody using it and it will minimise the spread.  It is a truly awful term, doesn't make sense in the slightest in the way it is often used, and anyone who uses it should be thrown in a pit of festering dog vomit till they see the error of their ways.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Christophe on July 16, 2013, 01:55:19 pm
'We've been able to squash the fruit at the bottom of the tree but are just now managing to pull at the higher branches'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Oscar's dad on July 19, 2013, 08:21:02 am
The company I work for is mercifully free of such nonsense.  In my experience stupid management phrases come down from the top, when I worked for O2 it appeared the directors and senior management team had invented their own language.  Then of course all their minions copy them.

The CEO of my current employer is a decent bloke (a cyclist) and a straight talking Scot in this late 50s who just uses normal language - to his eternal credit. 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: sojournermike on July 20, 2013, 11:50:02 am
I currently hate, with a passion, 'the right fact pattern'. It's used by a clique to appear cleverer than the minions.

And when you're selling the 'fact pattern' is always right.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Arch on July 20, 2013, 04:51:55 pm
In my position as cleaner at work, I recently asked the boss if we could get a new bundled cordage horizontal surface wet cleanser.

After all, the old mop is starting to shed bits.  He giggled.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Christophe on July 29, 2013, 01:36:08 pm
I currently hate, with a passion, 'the right fact pattern'. It's used by a clique to appear cleverer than the minions.

And when you're selling the 'fact pattern' is always right.

I'm obviously a minion as I do not have a clue what that actually means.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Aidan on August 17, 2013, 01:52:01 pm
Someone actually used the phrase " inversely busy"  to me yesterday to describe his department as quiet :hand:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tewdric on October 07, 2013, 05:31:20 pm
This is a peach:

http://youtu.be/NTNlRjx0H1M

The only sad bit being that the woman is now the head of HMRC....
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Euan Uzami on October 10, 2013, 12:16:25 pm
just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"

"on-shore"..   :sick: :sick: is that a verb??!!  :o
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on October 10, 2013, 07:15:01 pm
just had an email from a recruitment agent 'we are looking to on-shore a new team"

"on-shore"..   :sick: :sick: is that a verb??!!  :o

We have "on-boarding" -- I wonder if it means the same thing?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on October 10, 2013, 07:17:51 pm
On-boarding is what happens immediately after someone has been recruited.

On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on October 10, 2013, 08:25:12 pm
I work with an organisation that uses the term "on-boarding" when referring to bringing on new clients to use their services. Whenever I hear/see it I can't help but think of 'water-boarding' and that the latter would often be much more interesting / appropriate.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on October 10, 2013, 10:14:18 pm
On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on October 11, 2013, 05:58:29 am
On-shoring is putting a team of people together here as opposed to somewhere cheaper.
Doesn't on-shoring involve reversing the previous off-shoring exercise?
I've heard it used where there had been no previous off-shoring. But you're right, it should logically follow off-shoring.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 09, 2013, 03:40:42 pm
http://stevenpoole.net/blog/who-touched-base-in-my-thought-shower/
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on January 20, 2014, 11:40:49 am
Systematise.

Just heard it in a talk on online marketing.  It must be working because I am online during it...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on June 05, 2014, 07:34:22 am
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: T42 on June 05, 2014, 08:24:43 am
Gawd, just glancing through this thread gives me that horrible, browned-off cold-tea stale-biscuits four-o'clock-of-a-November-afternoon feeling.  I'm thankful that most of the software-marketing meetings I ever attended were carried out in German: at least it wasn't my language they were trashing.

Fun was when we had US subcontractors present & our marketing manager spoke English.  He always confused the words button and bottom. "We haff a row of bottoms on top of the screen" etc.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: GrahamG on June 05, 2014, 08:37:51 am
LOL, it's only just occurred to me, I've been working for a trade union for the last couple of years and there is almost no bullshit bingo speak - on the one or two occasions I've heard someone say 'touch base' they've had sideways glances like they've just farted.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on June 05, 2014, 10:12:51 am
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-27512405)
Quote
Alistair Cooke, broadcaster of Letter from America, remembered a choice phrase from World War Two, during a meeting of commanders in General Eisenhower's headquarters in London.

An American colonel said: "How many ICPs have been counted?"

"What," asked Winston Churchill, "are ICPs?"

"Impaired combatant personnel, sir."

"Never let me hear that detestable phrase again. If you're talking about British troops, you will refer to them as wounded soldiers."

Alistair Cooke concluded: "Muddy language proceeds from muddy minds."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on June 05, 2014, 10:45:05 am
Email trail regarding short (5 slide) presentation.

Email 1
Quote
Hi Jacs,

Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.

Thanks
$Person

Email 2
Quote
Hi $Person,

Please clarify what parts you are referring to and what exactly you are requesting I do to it.

Thanks,
J

Email 3
Quote
It's simple: make it more complex.

 :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Oscar's dad on June 05, 2014, 11:13:56 am
^^^ Words fail me.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on June 05, 2014, 11:56:52 am

Email 3
Quote
It's simple: make it more complex.

 :facepalm:

Per your sig...


                                         _________
                                 , -‘”                   ``~ ,
                          , -”                                   “- ,
                       ,/                                              ”:,
                  ,?                                                     \,
                  /                                                        ,}
                 /                                                    ,:`^` }
               /                                                  ,:”       /
             ?      __                                        :`       /
              /__ (     “~-,_                            ,:`          /
            /(_    ”~,_        “~,_                   ,:`        _/
          {  _$;_     ”=,_       “-,_      , -~-,},  ~”; /      }
          ((     *~_       ”=- _     “;,, /`    /”        /       /
            \`~,      “~ ,                    `     }              /
           (    `=-,,       `                        (      ;_,,-”
            / `~,      `-                               \    /\
            \`~ *-,                                    |, /     \,__
,,_          } >- _\                                   |              `=~-,
     `=~-,_\_      `\,                                 \
                   `=~-,, \,                               \
                                `:,,                           `\              __
                                     `=-,                   ,%`>--==``
                                        _\           _,-%        `


Does your colleague have pointy hair, or is he actually Cthulhu in disguise, intent on stealing everybody's sanity?

Joking aside, actually wanting presentation slides to made less comprehensible suggests an intent to deceive the audience...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on June 05, 2014, 11:57:27 am
That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'...  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 05, 2014, 12:32:24 pm
My corporate presentations now feature a Klingon with the catchphrase 'eat my toast, muthaf*cker' and a cat who finds tweeting ignominious.

(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn190/ianp_photo/klingon001.jpg) (http://s304.photobucket.com/user/ianp_photo/media/klingon001.jpg.html)

It's all part of my campaign of corporate disorientation (this presentation was based on Reservoir Dogs). I've created a stick figure universe to replace my previous mustelids with post-it notes experience. They'll be back, I'm sure.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on June 05, 2014, 01:01:49 pm
I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 05, 2014, 02:16:09 pm
I prepare my slides using the XKCD comic generator. It makes them so much more comprehensible and hip with the audience.

You probably can't tell, but I draw mine myself.

I dropped out of O Level art quite early. It was either this or become a tattoo artist.

They're actually bleed over from another project, other than the Klingon and the cat, who are new to this enterprise.

You know that you can only say 'hip' ironically. It's one of the few words in the English language that is self-ironising. The other one is 'innovative'.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: LEE on June 05, 2014, 02:37:57 pm
I think many of these words and phrases are perfectly acceptable so long as they are left in the meeting room and do not make it into the Pub.

"Downsizing" would be an inappropriate term to request half a pint.

"Paradigm Shift"should never be used to suggest trying Pear Cider instead of Bitter.

However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head"  (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: perpetual dan on June 05, 2014, 04:37:48 pm
Quote
Hi Jacs,

Please would you intensify the verbiage and revert.

Thanks
$Person

Select-all, bold (or maybe italic caps?), undo I'd have thought. I guess you need to have track changes on to show that you've actually done what was asked.

However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head"  (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.

Surely leverage is what is required to get back up after too much of the aforementioned pear cider perry?  :P
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: arabella on June 05, 2014, 05:38:11 pm
That's an exciting new meaning of 'revert'...  :facepalm:
Often used by my offshore overseas colleagues.
I alo used to work with one that used 'report' (ie rapportare) for postpone.
The joys of ESOL.
Quote from: $EurpoeanColleague
I can understand each individual word that comes out of $YourUKColleage's mouth, but I've no idea what he means they way he puts them together.
(UKColleague being 2-3 layers higher up the greasy pole).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on June 05, 2014, 05:52:09 pm
Quote
They're actually bleed over from ...

?!?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 05, 2014, 06:17:24 pm
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on June 05, 2014, 06:29:13 pm
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?

Evidently.

Because otherwise it would be requesting that they add complexity to the presentation, then take it away again.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 05, 2014, 06:32:43 pm
Well, that's assuming its meaning in the mail is something akin to its everyday meaning. Or that it even has a meaning.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 05, 2014, 06:37:09 pm
They're actually bleed over from

?!?

another project?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on June 05, 2014, 06:56:58 pm
They're actually bleed over from

?!?

every orifice.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on June 05, 2014, 09:04:31 pm
My Prince 2 Practioner qualification lapses this month and I will be needing it no longer, as my boots are well and truly hung. I never did manage to explain, with any level of comprehension from senior managers, that project managers don't make decisions. (discuss amongst yourselves)  Clarity of communication and role congruity is hugely important. I blame mgt consultants (the not so good ones) for introducing pseudo scientific jargon for the purpose of justifying their fees and muddying waters overall. I must qualify that by expressing huge admiration for some management academics and practioners.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on June 06, 2014, 12:02:20 am
I thought 'revert' in that email meant 'reply to this mail'. No?

Evidently.

Because otherwise it would be requesting that they add complexity to the presentation, then take it away again.
"Muddy language proceeds from muddy minds."  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tigerrr on June 06, 2014, 07:50:52 am
Not sure if it has been done but as consultants we used to talk about 'rolling off' a client at the end of a project. Very appropriate description in my view.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 06, 2014, 09:58:54 am
I think many of these words and phrases are perfectly acceptable so long as they are left in the meeting room and do not make it into the Pub.

"Downsizing" would be an inappropriate term to request half a pint.

"Paradigm Shift"should never be used to suggest trying Pear Cider instead of Bitter.

However..in the above examples it would be acceptable to use "Leverage" if you were "Leveraging someone about the head"  (with a big metal lever) for using such bullshit in the pub.
So "blue sky thinking" doesn't mean "let's have a barbie"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on June 08, 2014, 02:32:40 pm

Email 3
Quote
It's simple: make it more complex.

 :facepalm:

Per your sig...


                                         _________
                                 , -‘”                   ``~ ,
                          , -”                                   “- ,
                       ,/                                              ”:,
                  ,?                                                     \,
                  /                                                        ,}
                 /                                                    ,:`^` }
               /                                                  ,:”       /
             ?      __                                        :`       /
              /__ (     “~-,_                            ,:`          /
            /(_    ”~,_        “~,_                   ,:`        _/
          {  _$;_     ”=,_       “-,_      , -~-,},  ~”; /      }
          ((     *~_       ”=- _     “;,, /`    /”        /       /
            \`~,      “~ ,                    `     }              /
           (    `=-,,       `                        (      ;_,,-”
            / `~,      `-                               \    /\
            \`~ *-,                                    |, /     \,__
,,_          } >- _\                                   |              `=~-,
     `=~-,_\_      `\,                                 \
                   `=~-,, \,                               \
                                `:,,                           `\              __
                                     `=-,                   ,%`>--==``
                                        _\           _,-%        `


Does your colleague have pointy hair, or is he actually Cthulhu in disguise, intent on stealing everybody's sanity?

Joking aside, actually wanting presentation slides to made less comprehensible suggests an intent to deceive the audience...

:D

I spoke to $Person, to find out what any why I needed to do it. Apparently, even though I had produced material to suit the audience, I was in danger of damaging the brand message by making a very complex process seem easy, which could lead to the clients deciding to do the work themselves instead of using us.

$Person failed to see my logic of 1) They have already signed the contract for the work, 2) They have already paid us for the work, 3) Its as good as impossible for them to 'go it alone'. So, being a good drone, I added in all the irrelevant stuff I'd cut out, the length doubled, so much of my time was wasted and the clients time sitting through it.

In the pub afterward, they joked that they thought they were paying us in order to avoid all the legal and administrative aspects of the work!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: asterix on June 08, 2014, 06:48:44 pm
Quote
"Putting together the pipelines," was how Pfizer chief executive Ian Read explained his proposed takeover of British drugmaking rival AstraZeneca.

Unlike Bulgaria that says it is stopping work on the pipeline due to the proposed takeover of the Ukraine.

http://www.bbc.com/news/business-27755032

There is a real pipeline in there somewhere.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 11, 2014, 11:33:10 pm
"Silos"??? I think I'm about to be made redundant by an American with no clear sense of grammar. And this, in a publishing company too.

This appeared at my previous jbex shortly before a Several of people were Brutally Slain.  That was a publishing company too, which had recently undergone a sudden and unwanted influx of USAnians
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fields5069 on June 12, 2014, 07:27:08 am
I'm easily annoyed, and one or two really stupid bits of gobbledeegook have crept in to everybody's language at work. They are attempting to fawn over big big big boss I guess. The first is "piece", as in "we need to be seen to be owning that piece". This is often coupled with "story", as in " we need to be seen to be owning that piece of the story". When big big big boss talks to us, I often start counting how many "story"s are uttered, however unfortunately I soon zone out and stop counting t 20 or so.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on June 12, 2014, 09:25:37 am
Piece?  ??? There are two possibilities; either you're dealing in illegal guns, :( or you're eating cake.  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on June 12, 2014, 09:28:29 am
"We need to be owning that piece"

"We are going to steal that Scottish person's lunch"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fields5069 on June 12, 2014, 12:31:17 pm
We don't actually need to own it. It just has to look like it.  :)

Luckily the company is fairly techy, within which it seems that more and more florid and indecipherable phrases creep in, the closer you are to "architect" level. Normal everyday communication is fairly clear, apart from all the TLAs we use.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 13, 2014, 01:19:32 am
And onces you reach "architect" level, you are obliged to do one or more of the following:


 ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: woollypigs on August 01, 2014, 07:46:40 am
And here is a song for you all, courtesy of the brilliant "Weird Al" Yankovic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: clarion on August 01, 2014, 11:34:40 am
This thread is now concluded.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Auntie Helen on August 01, 2014, 11:55:03 am
Wretched GEMA!

(https://scontent-a-fra.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/10553580_10152170483536786_3142957048050763373_n.jpg)

(The German music copyrighting agency).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: woollypigs on August 01, 2014, 01:26:23 pm
You could hit his site directly - http://www.weirdal.com/
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Vince on August 01, 2014, 02:03:29 pm
Yeah, but no mention of Off-shoring, near-shoring, re-shoring, brown bag session or town hall.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Rhys W on August 01, 2014, 07:38:34 pm
I actually played Bullshit Bingo yesterday. There was an "Ask The Board" thing and I elected to watch it streamed onto a large TV in a "breakout area", somebody had printed out cards. Nobody got a full house but I won a pack of chocolate buttons for getting three in a row.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on August 02, 2014, 08:27:37 am
Excelllent! (I assume noone has a square for "breakout area"?)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 02, 2014, 10:04:59 am
Here's something I read in the early hours of this morning:

"Languages long dead invented wonderful words they handed down to us for eternity.  Whereas our modern languages, when they died - which was inevitable, since every tongue on earth was becoming a colony of American English, itself dying a slow death by suicide - what words would they hand down to posterity?  Junked?  Kickback?  Normalcy?"

The Treasure Hunt ~ Andrea Camilleri
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 24, 2014, 06:29:07 pm
More of an annoying distortion of meaning:

Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
 scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.

Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on November 24, 2014, 06:32:18 pm
More of an annoying distortion of meaning:

Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
 scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.

Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!
Hmm, can of worms time. Strictly speaking, there's no real point in 'configuring' a document which isn't going to change.
But configuration management for documents which do change is, although a pain and a bore, a VERY GOOD IDEA.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on November 24, 2014, 06:39:14 pm
oh, ive got nothing against version control (and change control in general). Especially if someone else does all the work!

My problem is with the "configure" jargon. This is what the word  _really_ means:

con·fig·ure
\kən-ˈfi-gyər, especially British -ˈfi-gər\
verb
: to arrange or prepare (something) so that it can be used
 
transitive verb
:to set up for operation especially in a particular way <a fighter plane configured for the Malaysian air force>
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on November 24, 2014, 06:57:46 pm
'Vountary', as in 'voluntary redundancy' as used by the Civil Service.

What it really means is "If you agree to call this enforced lay-off 'voluntary', then we will give you a tiny bit more money."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on November 26, 2014, 10:00:39 pm
"Obviously this company is a key player in the fertiliser space. I think we can probably say that we are number one in the world when it comes to phosphate rock production with 7.5 million tonnes of phosphate rock every year."
So they're number one in the number two space?  :D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: a lower gear on November 28, 2014, 10:53:22 pm
"Value engineering". 

Sounds very positive. Sounds like summat I'd endorse / want more of / recommend as A Good Thing.

Turns out it's modern-speak for chopping bits of a project 'cos the money is running short. The latest edition of the project plans have lots of "VE" annotations printed across elements.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on November 29, 2014, 12:03:27 pm
Value engineering is surely cuttign costs to make it as cheap as possible.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Polar Bear on November 29, 2014, 12:31:00 pm
More of an annoying distortion of meaning:

Current employers use "configured" [documents] to mean:
 scanned and saved in a database, thenceforth under version control.

Is this common?!? Cant say I like it!

Yes, it is.   As a former Release and Configuration Manager with time served in two blue chip companies, I can tell you that the real nomenclature should vary by industry.   Many organisations confuse simple document version control with configuration management of their software.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on December 01, 2014, 10:00:36 pm
"Value engineering". 

Sounds very positive. Sounds like summat I'd endorse / want more of / recommend as A Good Thing.

Turns out it's modern-speak for chopping bits of a project 'cos the money is running short. The latest edition of the project plans have lots of "VE" annotations printed across elements.

Yeah, our building suffered from a lot of that  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on December 02, 2014, 08:37:01 am
"I don't want problems I want solutions"

From a 'manager' who required sheds moving after an H&S audit. Said sheds contain a lot of equipment which requires said sheds for their continued safe storage. The above utterance was after my boss asked his boss where he wanted the sheds moved to.

 ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Vince on December 02, 2014, 09:21:41 am
Are the sheds about the size of a car parking space, the manager's car parking space to be precise? That would be a solution.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Redlight on December 02, 2014, 09:40:04 am
Apologies if someone has mentioned it before, but:

Thought Leadership (as in "could you write a 800 word thought leadership piece for our CEO?".)

aka

Opinion
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on December 02, 2014, 09:54:12 am
Oh yuck!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: perpetual dan on December 02, 2014, 10:52:43 am
Opinion is all very well, though I've head "you're a person with opinions" used as a put down. However, I'd have hoped "thinking" and "leading" were part of the CEO's JD.

I saw an announcement of a "task and finish" group today. Does that just mean "do something and actually finish it", and if so does that really need a name?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on December 02, 2014, 10:59:01 am
I was accused of lateral thinking once upon a time. ....ho hum.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on December 02, 2014, 11:03:44 am
Lateral thinking, longitudinal action? Or something...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on December 02, 2014, 02:02:27 pm
Opinion is all very well, though I've head "you're a person with opinions" used as a put down. However, I'd have hoped "thinking" and "leading" were part of the CEO's JD.

I saw an announcement of a "task and finish" group today. Does that just mean "do something and actually finish it", and if so does that really need a name?

I wonder if that is the same as the old 'Job and Knock' days when I worked scaffolding- arrive, do the job and knock off.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on December 02, 2014, 02:42:45 pm
I'm actually a Thought Leader. It's true.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on December 05, 2014, 03:48:37 pm
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on December 05, 2014, 05:01:59 pm
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.

That's pure Gus Hedges...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Moultonaught on December 05, 2014, 05:25:20 pm
In a project set up meeting with a new client recently. I asked a question, fundamental to the way the project proceeds.
The response: "Let's not go into overt problem solving mode too prematurely...."  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on December 05, 2014, 05:33:03 pm
Let's park that in the ideas fridge and we can snack on it later.

That's pure Gus Hedges...
One of my colleagues heard it on the radio the other day in a piece about insane management speak. She dared me to get it into my words today when I was facilitating discussion at an integration thing. I did it.  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on December 05, 2014, 08:41:24 pm
"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."

The Management to two hairy arsed facilities blokes as instructions about the schools christmas tree- a 12 foot fake with 2 sets of lights and 3 boxes of deccies. Tree needs tethering at the top to a nearby structure to prevent 'accidents'

Kids are all out at 3:30 and we go home at 5:00.

Insane I tell you ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PhilO on December 06, 2014, 07:21:50 am
Sounds like approval for an overtime payment to me...

What other interpretation is possible?  :P
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on December 06, 2014, 08:34:07 am
"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
Drat - when I first saw this I was expecting some bizarre analogy,  with no trees and kids actually involved. I spent several moments wondering wot on EARTH it could mean.

 :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on December 08, 2014, 08:39:26 am
"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."
Drat - when I first saw this I was expecting some bizarre analogy,  with no trees and kids actually involved. I spent several moments wondering wot on EARTH it could mean.

 :facepalm:
;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrew on December 08, 2014, 11:42:41 am
"You can put the tree up after the kids have gone home."

I like that. It's given me an idea: sounds like insane management metaphor but is in fact literal.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: perpetual dan on December 09, 2014, 07:21:50 am
"It can wash its face"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on December 09, 2014, 05:55:50 pm
"It can wash its face"

Commonly used up here. Means that the event breaks even or better.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on December 09, 2014, 06:07:09 pm
"It can wash its face"

Commonly used up here. Means that the event breaks even or better.
Yep,  I've heard it a few times "down here" in that context.

A quick google suggests its more commonly used to indicate profitable businesses,  but fails to tell me the derivation. A challenge for someone clvererer than me!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ruthie on December 09, 2014, 09:00:16 pm
Sounds like something off Silence Of The Lambs  :-\
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: madcow on December 10, 2014, 08:39:29 am
Washing lambs faces is a common task undertaken by those farmers  who want to achieve higher prices as the animals go through an auction ring. (One of my schoolfriends was often absent on Friday as they prepared their lambs for sale at the local market held on Saturday.)
Not sure if that is the origin though.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: jsabine on December 10, 2014, 05:24:16 pm
I'd always imagined it was a reference to young or newborn animals - lambs or kittens I guess - becoming able to wash their own faces and so demonstrating that they are robust and independently viable. No source for that, just the picture that expression conjures up if I think about it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: perpetual dan on December 10, 2014, 05:40:21 pm
That makes perfect sense. To my ears, when used by non-farming southeners to describe an app it sounds like insane management speak.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rr on December 10, 2014, 09:20:21 pm
How many times can you get change into a job advert

Job Description:
 
Great opportunity for 2 established Change Consultants to join a well-respected public sector organisation. Candidates with a slant towards people oriented change initiatives are particularly encouraged to apply.

2 Change Consultants required (1 senior / 1 Junior) on a 12-18 month fixed term contract by our public sector client based in Essex. Reporting to the Change Manager you will support the delivery of change programmes at business and project level which in turn contribute to an overall organisational change programme.

The ideal candidates for this role will have significant experience around people oriented change initiatives / projects, potentially in a public sector setting. The Change Consultant will support the both the development and implementation of change plans for a business areas. The Change Consultants role will be to apply a consistent change methodology helping to ensure that the benefits of the change programmes are fully realised and that sustainable change is delivered.

This is a great opportunity for a people oriented Change professional to join a well-respected organisation in their field. Our client is looking for a quick turnaround and is offering a competitive salary so please send your CV today to apply.
 
Skills:
 
•Application of effective change tools to diagnose the scale and impact of the proposed changes
•Development of innovative targeted change interventions to enable sustainable transformational change.
•Co-production, management and implementation of change plans
•Providing change expertise and advice to key stakeholders.
•A deep understanding of people change and its complexities
•A track record of supporting, implementing and enabling successful transformational change
 
Person Specification:
 
•Resilience, self-management and confident working within a changing environment with a  wide range of people
•A strong team player who excels in a collaborative environment.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Efrogwr on December 11, 2014, 12:23:32 am
 :'(
How many times can you get change into a job advert

Job Description:
 
Great opportunity for 2 established Change Consultants to join a well-respected public sector organisation. Candidates with a slant towards people oriented change initiatives are particularly encouraged to apply.

2 Change Consultants required (1 senior / 1 Junior) on a 12-18 month fixed term contract by our public sector client based in Essex. Reporting to the Change Manager you will support the delivery of change programmes at business and project level which in turn contribute to an overall organisational change programme.

The ideal candidates for this role will have significant experience around people oriented change initiatives / projects, potentially in a public sector setting. The Change Consultant will support the both the development and implementation of change plans for a business areas. The Change Consultants role will be to apply a consistent change methodology helping to ensure that the benefits of the change programmes are fully realised and that sustainable change is delivered.

This is a great opportunity for a people oriented Change professional to join a well-respected organisation in their field. Our client is looking for a quick turnaround and is offering a competitive salary so please send your CV today to apply.
 
Skills:
 
•Application of effective change tools to diagnose the scale and impact of the proposed changes
•Development of innovative targeted change interventions to enable sustainable transformational change.
•Co-production, management and implementation of change plans
•Providing change expertise and advice to key stakeholders.
•A deep understanding of people change and its complexities
•A track record of supporting, implementing and enabling successful transformational change
 
Person Specification:
 
•Resilience, self-management and confident working within a changing environment with a  wide range of people
•A strong team player who excels in a collaborative environment.


Will the Change Consultants deliver Change on the B Ark?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: a lower gear on December 11, 2014, 12:50:51 am
How many times can you get change into a job advert

Reminds me of an xkcd graph predicting how prevalent and then dominant the word 'sustainable' will become, extrapolated from recent trends: http://xkcd.com/1007
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on April 15, 2015, 03:05:22 pm
Quote
Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015.  Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.

 :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on April 15, 2015, 07:29:05 pm
Quote
Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015.  Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.

 :sick:
*Points Guy in general direction of the armoury. Provides chitty authorising use of live ammunition*  Have fun. :)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on April 15, 2015, 10:21:46 pm
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: eeymsmo on April 16, 2015, 07:45:53 am
Quote
Preparatory work for the K2 Workflow Service on the Land MOSS Farm took place on the weekend of 11th April 2015.  Once fully enabled, the K2 Workflow Service will provide an Enterprise-wide platform to allow the MOD to develop, administer and run workflow solutions that will support business processes.

 :sick:

Probably a sign I've been sitting too close to the Sharepoint team at work, but that reads perfectly and makes sense to me.  :facepalm:

(MOSS == Microsoft Office SharePoint Server)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on April 16, 2015, 09:21:42 am
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.

 ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on April 16, 2015, 10:10:20 am
If the MOD needs land for a moss farm, K2 is most unlikely to be the ideal location for it.

Won't stop someone in Ministry of Defence procurement circles from being convinced that it is a great idea and cheap as chips though.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Redlight on April 16, 2015, 04:33:07 pm
The finance director of a company I am working with constantly uses the term "positive jaws" when commenting on the performance of bits of the business.  Nobody I have asked knows what he means by it, even though quite a few have started using it themselves, yet nobody has yet had the courage to ask the FD what he means by it either...

Anyone know?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: woollypigs on April 16, 2015, 04:37:31 pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/comment/10414168/Barclays-boss-will-have-to-discover-his-inner-Fred-the-Shred.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaws_ratio

http://www.waywordradio.org/positive_jaws_1/

Nothing about the movie.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Otto on April 16, 2015, 04:38:34 pm
The finance director of a company I am working with constantly uses the term "positive jaws" when commenting on the performance of bits of the business.  Nobody I have asked knows what he means by it, even though quite a few have started using it themselves, yet nobody has yet had the courage to ask the FD what he means by it either...

Anyone know?

it means he is a wnaker
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on April 17, 2015, 07:22:59 am
W1A is back, so there should be some more silly speaks making their way into general use.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Si_Co on April 17, 2015, 12:53:54 pm
Have we had 'bandwidth', we must have done, sales are unsure if your taking the proverbial when you reply with the IT dept's email address when there is 'sub-optimal bandwidth'. Mind you the following conversation gave him a clue

Me: do you need a mirror?
Him: why?
Me: in order to see out of your rectum

My popularity knows no bounds.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 17, 2015, 01:33:03 pm
Elsewhere on that Intertubes, that they have now, someone swears blind that he actually heard the actual word "performativity" (meaning "performance") actually being used.  As the subject under discussion was Formula One motor racing, it is suspected that the culprit is a Mr Ronald "Ron" Dennis of Surrey and rural Neptune.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on April 27, 2015, 11:54:44 am
Looking at the business stats is now "pulse checking."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jakob W on April 27, 2015, 05:50:09 pm
I think performativity is subtly different from performance, though I'm not sure I can articulate the nuance (Mrs Dr W is a drama and performance studies academic; having been to the pub with her colleagues, I am sure that its been used in conversation on multiple occasions...)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on April 27, 2015, 08:00:58 pm
Well resistance is different from resistivity.

Resistance measures the property of a particular object, item or device, and tells us about that object. Resistivity is a measure of a standardised unit of the substance, and tells us about the properties of the underlying substance, as opposed to any object composed of that substance. (If you changed the shape or size of the object, its resistance would change, but the resistivity of the substance wouldn't.)

I'm not really sure how you apply that distinction to performance. There's a definition of performativity here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Performativity), but it just seems to be a noun derived from a verb that was itself derived from a noun, in the same way as burglarised is a verb derived from a noun derived from a verb.

Personally, I'm waiting to hear burglarisationing and performatising.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Vince on April 27, 2015, 09:10:44 pm
I have a friend who described his return to the US as being 'repatriotized'.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on April 27, 2015, 09:23:44 pm
Are these not all Bushisms?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 28, 2015, 09:04:24 am
Workative is a word my son and his friends use. It seems to mean something like hardworking (in a school context, for them). Perhaps -ative is simply the ending du jour.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on April 28, 2015, 09:32:01 am
'Suffixative' perhaps ?

:-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on April 28, 2015, 10:25:30 am
you'll be coatative then?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 28, 2015, 10:49:06 am
Different suffixes are more or less suffixical at different historative periods. See today's sig line (28th April), which rather makes me  ::-).
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: perpetual dan on April 29, 2015, 01:27:25 pm
Just got this on a (work) blog I follow...
Quote
OK.  Who was the knucklehead who thought up the ridiculous corporatism of “I don’t disagree”?
Seriously.  What does this mouth turd even mean?
Does it mean that you simply don’t want to commit to a position?  Do you need more time to determine a position?  Is your ego too large to admit that someone else is right?  Do you really disagree but are too spineless to say it?  Were you not listening and needed to spout some statement to save face?
We owe it to each other to speak clearly, to engage in meaningful dialogue about important topics, and to convey our thoughts and positions.  When political correctness overrides fiduciary responsibility, we destroy stakeholder value.  Get rid of this piece of mouth trash from your repertoire.

 :)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 29, 2015, 01:32:23 pm
Back to the suffixes. Today I've heard 'consumptive' used to mean 'consuming a large amount'. Despite this being in the context of healthcare - 'people are less consumptive of healthcare' - it was clear what was meant. Even when they went on talk about drug-resistant TB!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 29, 2015, 06:13:40 pm
Dan's ranter was doing nicely until s/he used the phrase "stakeholder value".  The only thing I know about stakeholders is that Mikell Howerd doesn't like them.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 30, 2015, 09:22:58 am
We have 'stakeholders' in everything aboard the mothership. As a person who spends a lot of time daydreaming about vampire librarians, this keeps me moderately entertained in meetings.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on April 30, 2015, 09:47:50 am
daydreaming about vampire librarians
This sick filth should be confined to NSFW.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jacomus on April 30, 2015, 11:12:37 am
"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.

Why they couldn't have just said "We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on April 30, 2015, 10:45:08 pm
"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.

Why they couldn't have just said
"We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:

Why talk sense when you can stand in front of people, press a remote to reveal the next torturous image and spout complete and utter bollocks instead?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Polar Bear on April 30, 2015, 10:56:12 pm
Anybody watch Car Share on iPlayer?   The last four or five minutes are truly classic!   :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on May 01, 2015, 10:25:16 pm
Stakeholders is a reasonably useful term in project management.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on May 01, 2015, 10:27:21 pm
Agree ^^^^^^
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Redjeep! on May 08, 2015, 11:46:46 pm
Our HR Director is a great fan of the phrase 'rear view mirror gazing', but generally talks such utter sh!te that this is actually quite a relief.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jakob W on May 15, 2015, 03:01:06 pm
This seems like the right place to leave this (via a mate on Twitter) - for fans of management bollocks and of Richard Scarry:
http://welcometobusinesstown.tumblr.com/
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: pumpkin on May 22, 2015, 01:16:16 pm
Our new 'vision was outlined today. I've put an * in certain parts to edit names, etc

Dear colleagues,

As you will be aware, over the past few months I’ve been working with * to clearly understand the ‘As Is’ status of IT across *, and to also build a picture of the options which could define the ‘To be’ vision over the next 3 to 5 years. This has progressed well and the output will be presented to * later in July.   

We do still to need to improve skills and capability in certain areas, such as relationship management and also working with our customers to clearly define and co-create services to ensure adoption, support and transparency. I will therefore be creating a new Information Technology Group consisting of senior key users and other IT suppliers *, to manage the portfolio of services, introduce new strategic initiatives and agree IT changes across the entire establishment.     

The last piece of the puzzle still to be defined is how we can manage projects coming into the combined department as we integrate further over the next 12 months or so.

I’m keen to ensure we harvest those successful processes across the two divisions and combine them into a single best practice project delivery function as well as determine where *this is best governed as a formal PMO function.   

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on May 22, 2015, 01:24:21 pm
(http://pbs.twimg.com/media/CFlux-7WAAAYyq6.jpg) could well be the latest phrase to bring in. Just tell someone to FOCUS
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tiermat on May 22, 2015, 01:44:04 pm
"Associative Collaboration Partner" = External contractor.

Why they couldn't have just said "We used $PrintCo. for our latest run of brochures, because they were the cheapest." instead of using 6, yes, 6 PowerPoint slides to describe the process of selecting an Associative Collaboration Partner to print the brochures Tactile Marketing Media. :facepalm:

Imagine my surprise, after nearly 20 years in the IT contracting market, to be told I am no longer a contractor but an "Associate".  I have NEVER been to Dundee, and I can't sing....
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Basil on May 22, 2015, 01:57:13 pm
I have just "walked" out of an all team tele conference.  It's just that if anyone else had employed the term "passionate" yet one more time I could well have exployed with sheer joy and passion.  And that could have been quite messy.  So I left on 'Health & Safety' grounds, didn't I? 
And anyway, I needed my lunch and it was already well past my lunch time.

Sod 'em.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 22, 2015, 03:44:21 pm
Needing lunch is health and safety grounds.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on May 22, 2015, 04:19:40 pm
I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 22, 2015, 04:22:00 pm
Triple bottom line... collaborative synergies... working together... I think this refers to group sex, fboab!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on May 22, 2015, 04:33:24 pm
"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: essexian on May 22, 2015, 04:35:44 pm
"Transformation through engagement"....................... we plan it...we tell you about it and we listen to what you have to say. Then we take on board what you have to say and make any amendments to our plans as required.

I think.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on May 22, 2015, 08:50:51 pm
I'm doing a professional qualification at the moment and it seems to me very much that the aim of the exams is to get you spout as much of this bollox many of these phrases as you can.
I actually managed 'triple bottom line' AND 'collaborative synergies' in this week's effort. I did do a little bit of sick as I wrote it, mind.
I've done both project management and enterprise architecture qualifications, and it's explicitly part of those that you use the terminology. No doubt in others as well. Sadly, given that the two often need to work together, their usages are not entirely consistent...

I wouldn't necessarily categorise the terminology in those two fields as management speak, although one or two examples have turned up in this thread.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on May 22, 2015, 08:53:12 pm
Enterprise architecture. To boldly build where no man has built before.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on May 22, 2015, 09:15:41 pm
"Triple bottom line" is sound, as far as I'm concerned.
Really to change the world for the better, why not a quadruple (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEAJ741bxnY) bottom line?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on June 24, 2015, 04:07:00 pm
Customer segmentation

I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.

Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.

HTH
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on July 17, 2015, 08:28:23 am
A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on July 17, 2015, 11:58:07 am
Customer segmentation

I've just been to a management presentation where this was used. I hope it doesn't mean chopping our customers up into small bits.

Not small bits, probably just heads/limbs/torsos.

HTH
Yeah, neatly separated at joints.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on July 17, 2015, 02:40:13 pm
A piece on BBC Breakfast this morning about tiny tots "graduating" from nursery school. A child psychologist said something about the "Americanisation" of education, meaningless graduations, proms and the like was generally bad for children. Nursery Skool woman reassured her that "we celebrate all our children in a holistic fashion" :sick:

"an holistic" shirley.  But, yes, Pre School graduation is A Thing <grinds teeth>.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PhilO on July 18, 2015, 06:22:59 am
Yep. Both my sprogs each got issued with a cape and mortarboard on the respective days they left their (otherwise excellent) nursery.  :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ham on July 29, 2015, 12:08:33 pm
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jjIAomvLPz8/Vbiz9K-ZJOI/AAAAAAAAy0A/6kFXjdqs8RA/s800-Ic42/Language%252520Helper.jpg)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SandyV on July 31, 2015, 10:36:18 pm
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jjIAomvLPz8/Vbiz9K-ZJOI/AAAAAAAAy0A/6kFXjdqs8RA/s800-Ic42/Language%252520Helper.jpg)

 ;D

I think "reach out" is the term I hate most, and it is the favourite of HR so is in all emails prepared by them for management.  That and "onboarding" (which I'm apparently participating in/ inflicting on a new employee next week) - although there are few new positions so it doesn't get used much and there does seem to be a strong fight back by the "induction" supporters.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PhilO on August 12, 2015, 09:14:21 am
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on August 12, 2015, 09:51:22 am
It's bliss this morning because I'm on holidays, so I miss the wade through the high tide of inbox sludge the mothership's upper deck leave behind overnight. So no 'innovation' (a word we're thoroughly intent on wearing down to dust) for me. I almost miss it in a not-at-all fashion. It's notable that all our senior management seem to have stopped work to dedicate their time to their blogs on our collaboration platform (when we're done with 'innovate' and it's little more than a smudge of grey word dust, 'collaborate' is going to be next in the grinder). OK, I know they don't write those blogs, they have minions to quantify their knowledge, but I'm glad they take the time to have someone else share their thoughts. I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Dibdib on August 12, 2015, 12:28:56 pm
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PhilO on August 12, 2015, 01:17:42 pm
And there was I imagining a large group with axes...  ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 12, 2015, 01:19:12 pm
I'm quite surprised our CEO hasn't asked me to write his blog.

You should volunteer your services, as long as you have another job lined up first.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on August 12, 2015, 01:24:06 pm
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: David Martin on August 12, 2015, 01:39:05 pm

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.

Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on August 12, 2015, 01:48:58 pm
SWMBO had her appraisal yesterday. Her boss had it logged as her 'Talent Toolbox'.

 :sick: and thrice  :sick: :sick: :sick:

 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on August 12, 2015, 01:55:21 pm
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ben T on August 12, 2015, 02:16:06 pm
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.


Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: trekker12 on August 12, 2015, 02:25:00 pm
Boss sounds like a complete tool, and I don't mean a Topeak Alien either.

Topeak Aliens serve a much more useful purpose
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on August 13, 2015, 11:48:54 am

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.

Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
Everyone should run with that.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tiermat on August 13, 2015, 12:17:48 pm

No good can come of applying sportsball metaphors to software development.

Absolutely. Having such metaphors in play should be considered a foul, or at the very least offside. They should be kicked into touch at the first opportunity.
Everyone should run with that.

OUT!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on August 27, 2015, 02:43:23 pm
Barakta informs me that manglement in her place of ork have taken to using "bottom it out" to mean something approximating "finish a task".

Since "bottom out" is generally understood to mean that something has reached its lowest point, it stands to reason that "bottom it out" ought to imply that you're being instructed to fuck something up until it can't get any worse.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Basil on August 27, 2015, 02:54:14 pm
Barakta informs me that manglement in her place of ork have taken to using "bottom it out" to mean something approximating "finish a task".

Since "bottom out" is generally understood to mean that something has reached its lowest point, it stands to reason that "bottom it out" ought to imply that you're being instructed to fuck something up until it can't get any worse.

I have a perfect skill set and experience.  How do I apply?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on January 05, 2016, 08:57:00 am
Yesterday morning I had the pleasure of a "The Art Of being Brilliant" presentation.

All about mood hoovers and 2 percenters etc. The nub of it was that the really effective folk are happy cos they choose to be so.

I decided that I would stop being a miserable fucker when people stop pissing me off.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on January 05, 2016, 09:44:34 am
'smashed it'

Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: madcow on January 19, 2016, 11:56:20 am
To further foster our customer centricity and to better align our structure to focus on customer needs the following management changes.
 are announced

Reading between the lines-A was not able to acheive the astronomical budget that we set him  so we have bought in B.
 A will move to a non customer contact role.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 19, 2016, 12:17:24 pm
As an antidote, here's some managementese set to a Crosby, Stills & Nash-style backing track:

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Mission Statement (https://youtu.be/GyV_UG60dD4)  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Nuncio on January 19, 2016, 01:33:31 pm
'smashed it'

Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.

Are you sure it doesn't mean: "We ran out of proper potatoes"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 19, 2016, 02:10:53 pm
'smashed it'

Management here don't use this. It's bloody popular in restaurant kitchens. Apparently "absolutely smashed it" means "the restaurant was busy and we managed to cook all the food properly and on time.".
My son has been told he's up for promotion once he's smashed everything in the kitchen.

Are you sure it doesn't mean: "We ran out of proper potatoes"?

"You peel them with the little knives... hahahahahaha...."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on January 19, 2016, 02:28:44 pm
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 19, 2016, 02:33:47 pm
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:

Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"?  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on January 19, 2016, 03:43:34 pm
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:

Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"?  :demon:

"Thought of but not through"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: SteveC on January 19, 2016, 06:40:08 pm
Presumably dreamt up by the same genius who coined "fitted for but not with"?
In the correct context that is a useful phrase. We often use it at work where something is designed to have an optional extra fitted but which doesn't come as standard or where we won't be supplying it.

But I have no idea how you'd use it in a 'management' context.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Nuncio on January 19, 2016, 08:39:30 pm
Our on-line training site is no longer the "Defence Learning Portal", it is now the "Defence Learning Environment". There are no courses in this new "learing environment", only "learning opportunities" :sick:

- Boss, I've got a serious problem.
- There are no such things as problems here, just opportunities. What is it?
- It's a serious drinking opportunity.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on January 19, 2016, 10:49:36 pm
On a recent course, we were instructed not to use the term "but" in response to anyone elses comments, rathe to "build positively using and instead" ::-)
Title: Re: More insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrew Br on January 21, 2016, 09:31:14 pm
"One Best Way" or, as I've started to call it "Tautological One Best Way".
If we were to follow Winslow Taylor's principles then we would be efficient.
We're not but manglement still keep spouting "One Best Way".
I'm still managing to keep biting my tongue but it can't last ...........

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on January 21, 2016, 11:04:07 pm
As in:

Quote from: Steve Bell
Little Keithy Best
Likes to invest
In illegal phone shares
What a naughty pest! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Best)

?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on February 05, 2016, 01:18:13 pm
My manager is a great source of management speak bullshit neologisms and mashups. Some would be very funny if delibearte. I never get the chance to write them down, but here's a sample from recent discussions:

"We'll stretch the envelope a bit on this one."
"So now we're a bit behind the curve-ball."

(There was one about everyone being on the same bus - which of course all come at once - recently, but I forget the exact wording ... )
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 12, 2016, 04:00:11 pm
Smoke test this in the war room.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on July 13, 2016, 08:44:14 am
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.

Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Polar Bear on July 13, 2016, 11:02:16 am
You're all a bunch of gits in here.   I was thinking of applying for a permanent position but this thread reminds me of the utterfuckwitteryandtotalarsebollox that I would have to endure on a daily basis if i did.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on July 13, 2016, 12:02:45 pm
According to our CEO's weekly blog, there was a Hackathon in the building last week. He particularly thanked the Scrum Master...

W T actual F?  :hand:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development))

A delightful hybrid between a project failure management methodology and a borderline-cult. We've got some of it at our place. The high priests and priestesses of it call themselves "masters".

A sometimes deliberate misinterpretation of the principles of scrum/agile, or even sometimes a correct interpretation of them, can be and often is used as an excuse to avoid bothering doing a particular piece of work.

Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
The whole field of software development & testing methodologies annoys me, & has done for many years. It's a constant re-packaging of the same ideas under fancy new names. 'Scrum', for example, seems to be a description of the workings of disorganised in-house development departments cursed with users whose demands must be met & who can't make up their minds. I have painful (& sometimes hilarious, e.g. the discovery that incremental changes had created two reports with 90% overlap, delivered to users in adjacent offices, neither of who wanted the non-overlapping parts*) memories of them.

I was recently sent a few invitations to give money to a supposed expert on testing methodologies, accompanied by a list of supposedly ground-breaking 'advanced' testing techniques - all of which I recall as being regarded as being standard good practice & too bloody obvious to need spelling out to anyone above the level of just-joined trainee back in 1982, when I was one of the just-joined trainees who was being told about them.

*Resolved by showing both reports to the users & asking them to mark everything they wanted on both of them, then modifying the one which was easiest to change & no longer scheduling the other. One report with half as much on it (easier to read), & happy customers.  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on July 13, 2016, 07:11:27 pm
Agile, in general, annoys me these days. It's loaded with jargon that seems intended to obfuscate at every level from management to droid what is actually happening. Which is generally annoying customers with constant software updates where the features are bugs. Yeah, yeah, but look how quickly we fix them, they'll say. Scrum that.
Of all the development "methodologies" I have been exposed to and had to work within over the years including but not limited to Waterfall, SSADM, V, Headless Chicken, Death March, Mongolian Horde and combinations thereof (Headless Mongolian Horde Death March is no fun at all) I think Agile is absolutely the worst. 

To work at all it requires a degree of involvement and commitment on a near daily basis from the product owner (customer dear boy, customer) that just isn't possible when the customer has to get on with his or her own job.  In the infinitely improbable event that the customer does have the time to spare he or she will turn out to have either no bloody clue or to want 10 different things, all mutually incompatible, within the space of an hour.

And don't get me started on management who expect programmers to write solid production quality code against evanescent or non-existant specifications and with hopelessly woolly acceptance criteria in zero time using tools that don't remain stable for two months together.

And what Bledlow says; goes.  It's all just fresh lipstick on the same old pigs.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on July 13, 2016, 09:53:26 pm
You're all a bunch of gits in here.   I was thinking of applying for a permanent position but this thread reminds me of the utterfuckwitteryandtotalarsebollox that I would have to endure on a daily basis if i did.

Surely you should be thanking us for helping you escape a fate worse than death?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on July 14, 2016, 09:33:29 am
Most of my contact with senior managers is by email. There are two types of email I get. The more senior managers send out emails with wide circulation with the synergies and the innovation pipelines etc. and the others I get are almost always requests as to whether I can expedite something or other.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 14, 2016, 01:17:34 pm
Where does all this tripe come from?

Is it the US, or MBAs?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on July 14, 2016, 01:24:40 pm
Where does all this tripe come from?

Is it the US, or MBAs?

Both, plus a positive interaction between the two.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on July 14, 2016, 07:51:05 pm
I fear people who put 'MBA' after their name more than I fear cannibal zombie clowns.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on July 14, 2016, 08:37:08 pm
Would I be right in assuming thatnyou are not a fan of zombie cannibal clowns, and not just because they have untidy hair?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on July 14, 2016, 08:52:46 pm
I was asked by someone from the Business School to consider the Warwick MBA Course. I asked them what it would give me and after a chat they agreed it wasn't going to add much.

This may be why I don't use insane management speak.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on July 14, 2016, 09:24:49 pm
It's the Administration bit of the MBA that puts me off
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on July 15, 2016, 02:58:09 pm
Would I be right in assuming thatnyou are not a fan of zombie cannibal clowns, and not just because they have untidy hair?

It's a combination of all things. Clowns are what comes out when you unpeel a demon like a big, feisty prawn. Cannibals have terrible table manners. Zombies are admittedly mostly meh. But in combination, they're utterly terrible party invites. Just don't. Sourcing the nibbles is a nightmare and they're always sick in the fridge.

I can admit that their might be some value in an MBA (though it's doubtful, a friend of mine has one from a major US university and describes it as a series of anecdotes dressed up and presented like it's science, you can get by occasionally saying EBITA - about five business acronyms and enough money to pay the fees should see you through). It the people who feel they have to add it as a suffix, especially when they're treading water in one of the more foetid, flooded subdecks of the mothership. Samantha Clownface-Dolittle, MBA or somesuch. You know them. They follow Warren Buffett's twitter feed and get busier than a busy kangaroo with their down unders while reading CEO Monthly or some shit full of golfing guff adverts and men in suits and women acting just like men in suits.

Some people, I suppose, want to be leaders of men. I'm happy with a squadron of airborne badgers and a weasel called Squelch.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on July 15, 2016, 11:52:47 pm
I can admit that their might be some value in an MBA (though it's doubtful, a friend of mine has one from a major US university and describes it as a series of anecdotes dressed up and presented like it's science, ...
"Case studies . . .  . "
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on July 20, 2016, 05:55:58 pm
It's the Administration bit of the MBA that puts me off

That and the business part.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Eccentrica Gallumbits on January 06, 2017, 06:29:39 pm
Why say cooperation or collaboration is important when you can express a need for "elegant interdigitation"? FFS.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on January 06, 2017, 06:35:21 pm
Sounds like a hand-holding exercise to me.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on January 06, 2017, 06:50:46 pm
We're familiar with "going forward" but yesterday was my first encounter with "going backward":
Quote
if we look at our history going backwards, the small caps were never ...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on January 06, 2017, 07:02:55 pm
Why say cooperation or collaboration is important when you can express a need for "elegant interdigitation"? FFS.
Does that mean thumb-twiddling?  :-\
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Aunt Maud on January 07, 2017, 07:14:19 am
After reading this thread, I'm really happy to be unemployed out fishing and not have to deal with this bollocks at all.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on January 26, 2017, 01:44:11 pm
Quote
To maintain Force Elements at Readiness in accordance with the Army Readiness Order and the Army Commitments Matrix, and to leverage additional assets as required through the Single SIGINT Battlespace, in order to achieve superiority within the Electromagnetic Spectrum and deliver intelligence through the continuum of a Land Component Commander’s Mission.
:sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on January 26, 2017, 01:48:24 pm
Someone gave a Rupert access to a keyboard :facepalm:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on January 26, 2017, 01:51:59 pm
"achieve superiority within the electromagnetic spectrum"
 ??? :facepalm: :hand: ::-) :o :D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rr on January 26, 2017, 02:50:24 pm
We're familiar with "going forward" but yesterday was my first encounter with "going backward":
Quote
if we look at our history going backwards, the small caps were never ...
Billy Bragg, between the wars, 1980s
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 26, 2017, 03:09:11 pm
"achieve superiority within the electromagnetic spectrum"
 ??? :facepalm: :hand: ::-) :o :D

That's not management gobbledegook, that's just military/tech-speak for having better radar, communications, and electronic warfare capabilities than one's adversaries.  ;)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on January 26, 2017, 03:12:16 pm
Clearly, but how does that not make it military management gobbledegook?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: IanN on January 26, 2017, 06:36:18 pm
I read it as having a better microwave for heating cold soup, or maybe more brightly coloured hats.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on January 26, 2017, 07:11:36 pm
I think it means they have the best DJs.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ben T on March 03, 2017, 09:56:50 am
why when we have a conference call does it have to be "jumped" on?
"can we jump on a conference call?"
"can you jump on with me?"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on March 03, 2017, 01:13:32 pm
Because otherwise it might get away, obviously.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on March 03, 2017, 01:39:14 pm
Do you think there might be an Oligarch or CEO somewhere who sits in his/ her office laughing their tits off at the way minions adopt a fuckwit phrase they invented and used in a conversation for shits and giggles?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on March 03, 2017, 01:49:21 pm
Do you think there might be an Oligarch or CEO somewhere who sits in his/ her office laughing their tits off at the way minions adopt a fuckwit phrase they invented and used in a conversation for shits and giggles?

I think they're called 'Management Consultants'.

My uncle was such, and was the first to admit that his job was extremely-well-paid bollocks. 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on March 03, 2017, 02:41:23 pm
I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.

I completely made it up a week or two back (I hope, you can never be sure who has prior art on bullshit). You have no idea how gratifying it is, to be in an unconnected meeting, and hear someone else say some totally meaningless phrase you've made up.

Unless I've got competition, of course, and they're making shit up too.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 03, 2017, 03:13:54 pm
you can never be sure who has prior art on bullshit
:D ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: barakta on March 03, 2017, 04:44:05 pm
At least my made up phrases make sense... Ex colleagues keep finding themselves using them in my absence :D   :demon: :smug:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on March 03, 2017, 06:21:38 pm
I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.

Now that's whar I call "Thought Leadership".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rr on March 03, 2017, 09:51:00 pm
I am trying to start a vegetable meme at my work, some of the managers are known to be "bean counters" so each different activity is reffered to as a different vegetable, and the strapline?
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
Livens up team meetings.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on March 03, 2017, 09:54:34 pm
Because otherwise it might get away, obviously.

I could live with that, easily
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 04, 2017, 12:26:36 pm
I am trying to start a vegetable meme at my work, some of the managers are known to be "bean counters" so each different activity is reffered to as a different vegetable, and the strapline?
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
Livens up team meetings.
It's always Halloween at rr's work.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on March 04, 2017, 04:29:02 pm
Wot no 'Alternative Truth' yet? Or my favourite, 'its not fair'.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ben T on March 04, 2017, 08:14:10 pm
 ;D it certainly would if it were up to me  :P
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Bledlow on March 04, 2017, 11:45:53 pm
I've started inventing them. I'm using 'zone down' at the moment. Let's zone down on the detail.
What about 'meme driven'? Do you think it'd get the hadrons colliding? Or just the pigeons homing? Is it juicy enough to squelch?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on March 06, 2017, 01:55:37 pm
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.

Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.

I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rr on March 06, 2017, 02:16:09 pm
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.

Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.

I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
The problem is I'm not sure whether it would be satire or serious.

I'll leave this link as well I'll leave this link as well (https://thinkpurpose.com)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rr on March 06, 2017, 02:18:43 pm
It is futile to measure bean production on a pumpkin farm.
That's going to lead to need a 'hoe down'.

Sow your seeds in a row, hoe out the errant weeds.

I like it. There is a book in there. 'A Season for All Things' 'Seeds of Management', something like that. ooh, how about 'Managing your Plot'?
Got to be more fun than a scrum or a huddle, fat pumpkin or LEAN beans?

[Tears for fears] Sowing the seeds of success [/tff]
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mr ben on March 06, 2017, 09:53:32 pm
We have a dysfunctional lab coat laundering system at work.  I recently complained that the one I had put in for laundry some weeks ago has still not reappeared in my locker.  I was forwarded an email saying that my clean one was destined for delivery and would be 'lockered' that day. Unfortunately making something a 'doing word' does not necessarily make it any more likely to be done.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: meddyg on March 06, 2017, 11:17:02 pm
Ah, the verbal noun - lends eloquence to mundane tasks ....

'Your visit has been diarised for Tuesday next' *

As Mr Ben says, it doesn't increase the chances of it happening....


*Social Work fuckwittery of course ....
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mr ben on March 09, 2017, 07:02:58 pm
Oooh I hate that one too.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on March 15, 2017, 06:22:11 pm
I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Feline on March 15, 2017, 06:27:02 pm
I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289

I'm so going to do this tomorrow  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on March 15, 2017, 06:31:25 pm
I Like  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on March 15, 2017, 06:33:25 pm
Improvulence

That, in itselfness, is fantastic!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on March 15, 2017, 08:16:55 pm
The distressing thing is that is far, far too believable.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on March 16, 2017, 09:15:33 am
I'll just leave this here: https://twitter.com/i/web/status/842036858217484289

I'm so going to do this tomorrow  ;D

I wonder if created this, I've been doing this since whiteboards were invented and used to talk about it on usenet. And I came up with the mispolygonism. I have the triangle of failure (which is, of course, a square).

But, yeah, leave me alone in a meeting room and a whiteboard. Oh sweet temptation!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on March 17, 2017, 08:24:43 am
Quote
Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.

I feel like a target.  :o
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 23, 2017, 05:01:11 pm
I've just been reading some James Thurber about this trend in the first half of the 20th century. The main offenders he identified back then were politicians, but the process is the same. He has a great name for it: carcinomenclature.

He also identifies the need for a new profession to treat those exposed to these phrases. "The psychosemanticists' job will be to cope with the psychic trauma caused by linguistic meaninglessness, to prevent the language from degenerating into gibberish, and to save the sanity of persons threatened by the onset of polysyllabic monstrositis."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on March 23, 2017, 06:37:59 pm
not insane management speak today, but inane procedure speak.

I read it three times and didn't understand it, but I'm pretty sure they've not done what I think they said they were going to do
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rogerzilla on March 23, 2017, 09:58:03 pm
We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on March 23, 2017, 10:44:13 pm
Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jakob W on March 23, 2017, 11:18:32 pm
Nice; someone I once worked with still had copies of a series of similar memos from when he had worked for de Havilland in the 50s. He'd show these to his junior staff to give them guidance on what their reports and memos should look like.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on March 29, 2017, 10:13:44 am
Uplift to pay scales.

A fucking pay rise you morons. We have a term fior it. Use it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 29, 2017, 10:26:51 am
We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552


I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.

The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on March 29, 2017, 12:28:04 pm
We had a refreshing internal comm that strongly suggested not using wankwords like "blue sky thinking" and "touch base", giving plain English alternatives to use instead.

The next circular from senior management was full of Gus Hedges-speak again :facepalm:

I'll just leave this here.  It is about 20 years old:

http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/ww-print.html
Kelly Johnson, legendary Skunk Works founder, sent out this epic management memo to staff in 1963, complaining about "idiot charts" and the use of phrases like "value engineering". Note the shade thrown at Pratt & Whitney in the penultimate paragraph. ;D

image of memo: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C7jL58rV4AAxY5n.jpg:large

source: https://twitter.com/FG_STrim/status/844649138478231552


I think a lot of those have gone from management bullshit talk to everyday business speak, such as the bottom line, and some such as win-win and proactive have become established as everyday phrases.

The one I hear all the time (not on those charts) is "Give me some colour on... ". It seems nobody can ask "Tell me more about..."

Time to beat them about the head with a 10 litre tin of paint I think.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrew Br on March 29, 2017, 05:14:46 pm
Not new and not even surprising.
We had a Xmas video sent to us to * thank us for our efforts to keep the business moving forward, yadda, yadda.
The droid on video introduced himself (blah, blah, blah) and then said "and you all work for me at the end of the day".
No mate.
At the end of the day, I go home

Highlight of the presentation was that we're going to get a new uniform

* I was going to put "obviously" in there because that's what manglement would do but, since it's "obvious", you wouldn't need to say it .......
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 29, 2017, 07:50:25 pm
New uniform, new boots, new heels to click? Or maybe not.

I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on March 29, 2017, 08:47:53 pm
The school I walk past has an Executive Leadership Team.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: joy of essex on March 29, 2017, 09:19:23 pm
Why must data  be " granular". 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on March 29, 2017, 09:21:40 pm
it doesn't have to be, it can also be aggregated, rolled up ...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on March 29, 2017, 09:36:28 pm
Quote
Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.

I feel like a target.  :o

"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ham on March 30, 2017, 09:32:38 am
Quote
Please re-confirm your office address where we are trying to zero in on 27th afternoon , which is right after we reach London.

I feel like a target.  :o

"Dear The Management. I am unable to zero in on the 27th, right after you reach London, as first I'm taking Manhattan then I think I'm taking Berlin the day after."

<Hands Tim his blue raincoat>
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on March 30, 2017, 01:06:05 pm
I was recently accused in a meeting of creating a "Straw Man".  :o

What the manager meant, was that I'd written a framework/outline/template/thingy of the new procedure. I chose not to take offence, as no one else seemed to notice ...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 06, 2017, 05:37:02 pm
In a refreshing change, I've just heard one CEO say "We have achieved, I think, in our opinion, most of what we put as milestones over the last fifteen years." It's a shame this was probably due to English not being his first language rather than an outbreak of honesty or humbleness.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on April 06, 2017, 07:12:12 pm
Why must data  be " granular".
There is granular data and there are data cubes. You can also get soft brown data, which seems to be most of it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: meddyg on April 06, 2017, 10:25:29 pm
Quote
I've just survived my son's school parents evening. There were posters in the corridors with slogans like "Diversity of success" and "A happy learning community". He said, completely unprompted, "Those posters are totally meaningless".

Psalms 8:2, "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Zipperhead on April 25, 2017, 04:43:54 pm
I've got a meeting invite from a project manager, the title reads...

"Regular space to align on ***** deployment requirements"

I shan't even bother the click on decline.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Deano on July 03, 2017, 11:56:10 am
Brunel Total Ground Transportation (http://www.brunel.com/)

It's a cab company.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Sergeant Pluck on July 03, 2017, 01:27:20 pm
"We endorse the Minimum Viable Product route" .

When I first read that (yes, it's from IT), I thought "That means the shittiest available thing that will just about do". Helpfully, in brackets after the above, the author explained the term. It means "the shittiest available thing that will just about do".

Apparently, such an endorsement is "believed to find favour in the current climate".
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on July 03, 2017, 01:49:37 pm
I'd say that comes under "remarkably honest management speak phrases".

A bit like that recent Virgin tweet. (https://www.theguardian.com/business/2017/jul/02/virgin-trains-criticised-for-tweet-blaming-drivers-for-lack-of-service)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jakob W on July 03, 2017, 08:14:10 pm
Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily​ 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: drossall on July 03, 2017, 09:48:43 pm
+1. It can help you to understand what is really needed, and what are optional extras. It can also help in ensuring that a sound basis is built, delivering the core, to which more can be added.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Sergeant Pluck on July 05, 2017, 10:22:50 am
Minimum Viable Product isn't necessarily​ 'the shittiest available thing that will do' though, is it? Sometimes it's 'the most basic feature set that will do the job, and so can be made actually reliable, as opposed to the buggy feature-bloated monsters we usually end up with once everyone has stuck their oar in and demanded their favourite hobby-horses'...

Agree that the principles behind it are sound. It's just the terminology, the choice of words, that grates on me a little but it is indeed brutally honest. I suppose my reaction is influenced by my observations on how the "minimum viable product" approach is implemented (inconsistently) in my place of toil.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on August 16, 2017, 11:38:41 pm
I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?

Aaaaagggghhhhh.

'At sortation facility'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ham on November 23, 2017, 08:06:50 am
Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on November 23, 2017, 08:12:26 am
Some interesting ideation and flipped learning:

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2017/nov/23/from-inboxing-to-thought-showers-how-business-bullshit-took-over

Don't knock the bullshit. We've got a Tidy-Haired Thought Leader who relies on that for his job ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on November 23, 2017, 11:08:28 pm
I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: JennyB on November 24, 2017, 02:52:56 pm
I have a delivery coming from UKMail andI'm tracking it online.
The stages in this parcel's delivery to me include 'Collected' (from supplier), 'In transit' and 'Delivered'. But what do you think the missing second status is in that sequence ?

Aaaaagggghhhhh.

'At sortation facility'

They're drawing lots to see if it gets delivered?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on November 24, 2017, 04:53:43 pm
I have two cats to feed and vestigial pride.

Is "vestigial pride" another way of saying "not many lions"?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on November 24, 2017, 05:18:40 pm
<context: entire company is producing detailed plans for year ahead, that are being combined into company annual operating plan>
I ask <senior director> "Have you made plans for <task x>?"

"No. Person Y <who has left company> normally does <task x>"

"Have you put <task x> into your plan"

"No <paraphrasing> I currently have no mechanism by which to add anything to anybody else’s plan or .... of a way for us to .... combine our efforts"

Which bit of 'combining plans into AOP' did this Senior Director not understand?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on November 24, 2017, 08:12:30 pm
Ha, lonely lions. Indeed. They need Lionr, the meet-another-lion app. Good god, I so should be working somewhere near Old Street.

Reminds me that I've been beckoned to the mothership bridge next week. This may mean the new uber-boss has discovered Taylor Swift vs. Hitler. It'll be my, erm, Downfall.

Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on November 25, 2017, 12:35:16 am
Apropos to this thread, I'm thinking of doing Management Kittens this year. Imagine if your multinational company with a turnover of billions was managed entirely by kittens. I am.

I think I've worked for at least two of them.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: PeteB99 on November 25, 2017, 11:22:58 am
Most of the companies I've worked for have been managed by either rats or lizards.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on November 25, 2017, 03:53:04 pm
My last outfit was managed by lying, insincere, incompetent bastards and it felt like they were operating a morality Ponzi scheme. (As in, "if you underlings abide by the moral code, we don't have to.")

At least, that's how it felt.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on November 25, 2017, 05:35:58 pm
I think I'm being managed by butterflies, every week flit off to launch a new initiative, but last weeks?  Hey? What? but we have this nice shiny new project
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Giraffe on February 10, 2018, 04:03:20 pm
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-42891915

jargon!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mllePB on February 11, 2018, 04:06:50 pm
"We've got to eat our own dogfood"

This was from when worked in the world of telecomms and was said by the yanks, meaning less flying more phoning etc. Was ages ago now, but I still remember it. Not unconnected to the fact that I used to to know someone who worked for a petfood manufacturer who said that they did just that through only the premium range. :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on February 11, 2018, 04:26:28 pm
"We've got to eat our own dogfood"

Best washed down by Drinking The Kool-Aid.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Beardy on February 11, 2018, 05:11:28 pm
"We've got to eat our own dogfood"
From memory it was the Frenchman with the yogurt company surname that was particularly fond of this phrase, though I’m not questioning your assertion that he got it from a leftpondian.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on March 05, 2018, 07:19:03 pm
Slightly OT, but worth it:
Quote
The wise always use a number of ready-made phrases (at the moment I write 'nobody's business' is the most common), popular adjectives (like 'divine' or 'shy-making'), verbs that you only know the meaning of if you live in the right set (like 'dunch'), which give a homely sparkle to small talk and avoid the necessity of thought. The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried this device to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Diver300 on March 28, 2018, 01:09:38 pm
Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,

All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.

Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.

BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.

Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and  [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk

-----------------------------------------------------

I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.

It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 (http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10) and the following few cartoons.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on March 28, 2018, 01:27:05 pm
I suppose it means you need to turn up naked, without any lunch.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on July 16, 2018, 03:07:53 pm
Quote
All,

Whilst we already have stretched resources, the ideal scenario is keeping non value added touches external to the operation.

I’d like to understand from Lindsay the feasibility of Option 1, and the potential cost hurt/ price increase.

Lindsay – bringing you into the loop on this.

BINGO
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tiermat on July 16, 2018, 03:43:28 pm
The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:

"I don't disagree with you"

Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on July 16, 2018, 04:02:54 pm
The one that is really getting on my thrupenny bits, at the moment, is:

"I don't disagree with you"

Quickly followed by a statement that proves they are doing exactly that!
Perhaps you need to reply along the lines of: "Yes, no. I like what you're saying except... " then list all of it. But definitely start with either "Yes, no," or "No, yes."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: tiermat on July 16, 2018, 04:10:22 pm
Nah, Cudzo, I just interject as soon as they say that and say "which means you are going to, nevermind, carry on"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Guy on November 15, 2018, 02:16:07 pm
I thought I was booking myself on a course, but no...

Quote
Congratulations you have successfully reserved a place on the following Learning Journey...

 :sick:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on November 15, 2018, 03:32:13 pm
Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,

All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.

Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.

BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.

Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and  [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk

-----------------------------------------------------

I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.

It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 (http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10) and the following few cartoons.

Much like staying at a Marriott, they'd charge you for the air, and the tapwater if they could.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on November 21, 2018, 08:58:43 pm
Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...

At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,

PHB:  Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB:  But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.


*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase,  "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on November 21, 2018, 09:12:55 pm
You're making the mistake of applying logic to the corporate world.  Once your defective personality* has been fixed, you'll feel much better.

*Sorry, reading 1984 at the moment.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Canardly on November 21, 2018, 09:38:30 pm
It's yer critical path innit. Wots a Prince? Anyone got a line of balance?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rogerzilla on November 21, 2018, 09:47:23 pm
"Envision"  :sick: 
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Feanor on November 21, 2018, 09:51:11 pm
Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.

Sounds like we are going to go around prodding people in the ticklish bits with our fingers.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on November 21, 2018, 09:54:43 pm
Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.

Hmmm, sounds rather like a new version of the Silicon Valley tech douche-bro saying "move fast and break things".

I think we've had enough digital disruption already, thankyouverymuchmuttergrumble...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on November 21, 2018, 09:58:51 pm
To be fair to Silicon Valley tech douche-bros, they're relatively unlikely to abuse the term 'digital' like that.  I suspect marketroids and/or management conslutants.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ben T on November 21, 2018, 10:56:06 pm
Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...

At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,

PHB:  Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB:  But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.


*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase,  "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.

This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment", this can sometimes be an actual task with complexity points*... So in your example, one of the tasks of feature ξ, that he is currently working on, is effectively "wait until feature γ is complete".  That's the logic  ;D

* Not sure whether you would be allowed to contribute them to velocity... we do for impediments but maybe only for ones that are deemed to have been caused by the client. That's something you'd have to discuss, or should I say " a conversation you'd have to have "  ::-) :)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Torslanda on November 22, 2018, 01:51:58 am
Manglement conslutants.

I feel vaguely dirty...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on November 22, 2018, 09:07:46 pm
This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment"...

Ah we use the impediment state to deal with active work that's blocked by a problem that's cropped up rather than one that can't be started because of some dependency.  The PHB wanted us to start work on a piece of work that was already "blocked" and marked as "blocked" in the tracker.  PHB wanted us to build the 1st floor of the building before we'd got the footings and ground floor in place.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on November 22, 2018, 11:08:31 pm
Ah! Architects.....
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on November 23, 2018, 05:04:44 pm
Our design system, which has been rewarded by the unicorn in vision, and our AI capacity.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: gonzo on November 23, 2018, 07:41:17 pm
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on November 23, 2018, 09:55:49 pm
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.

See also "caveat"  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ham on November 28, 2018, 04:18:22 pm
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.

Just don't use the cambridge (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/signpost), eh?  Best not use the Oxford (https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/signpost), either. Or, any other dictionary that has definitions in.

(Don't take it personally, you're in good company on this, the spelling and the grammar thread.)

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: sojournermike on November 28, 2018, 05:18:00 pm
'We have to change how we work'

Why? It works quite well already.


...silence
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Nuncio on December 03, 2018, 12:48:40 pm
We have had an email from our ‘capability lead’ in advance of an official announcement, that our beloved CTO is leaving in 6 months’ time, leaving a pile of wreckage in his wake (the last bit wasn’t in the email, I’ve added that myself). It was a glowing testimonial, but included this

“Having spoken to him about this earlier this morning, he indicated that he would not have come to this decision if he thought we were incapable of achieving what we have set out to do, accepting that we are still maturing.

I agree with this sentiment and whilst I appreciate that we still have much to do, under D's leadership our capability has [insert what you believe has been the growth in your capability]"

which suggests that the whole thing was a template, possibly penned by the said departing CTO himself.

Oh, and to make sure this is the correct thread, I also humbly submit

“His insights are high value and whilst as CTO his remit is broad he has always taken time out to ensure we have everything we need to succeed and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on December 03, 2018, 01:40:16 pm
And the entire organisation yelled "BINGO!" all at once
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on December 03, 2018, 07:32:37 pm
... and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”
Hmmm. I am shortly moving into the department who (amongst many other things!) design/build the "dashboard". So I reckon putting green lights on there shouldn't be too hard ...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Nuncio on December 03, 2018, 08:31:54 pm
... but in/on a sustainable basis?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on December 03, 2018, 08:56:44 pm
... but in/on a sustainable basis?
Oh that's the easy bit.  Just choose a suitably low threshold value for showing a green indicator. Zero should be a safe bet.  Not killing the management plukes who think that a Fisher-Price dashboard will magickly make them competent is the hard bit.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on December 03, 2018, 10:05:34 pm
Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on December 04, 2018, 12:18:34 pm
Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
... and then Protect it.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mr ben on December 05, 2018, 03:08:07 pm
I've been diarised.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on January 07, 2019, 09:11:15 am
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on January 07, 2019, 09:14:23 am
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"

the'new constellation' might well be a reference to our substantially reduced department, half of us were made redundant before Christmas.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Ham on January 31, 2019, 01:41:43 pm
OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.

I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....

Quote
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.”

go on, fill yer boots.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on January 31, 2019, 01:56:01 pm
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.


WTF do you want?  :demon:
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 31, 2019, 02:21:10 pm
OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.

I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....

Quote
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.”

go on, fill yer boots.

Be careful what you wish for...  :demon: ;D :demon:


Hi,
 My name is, my name is Slim Shady.
 My role is explaining management directives via interpretative dance.
 I’m from Llareggub.
 My superpower is belching 'La Marseillaise' because I was bitten by a radioactive sans-culotte.
 Later on, ask me about my tattoo of Richard Nixon.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on January 31, 2019, 08:54:20 pm
Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 31, 2019, 09:13:26 pm
Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans

About the only other time I think you could get away with it would be when quoting the tweets by the squatter in the Oval Office - though to get the full effect, you'd also need to change the font to green and apply bold, sub/superscript, underlining and changes in font size at random...*


* IIRC, there's a twitter account that reformats everything he posts so that it actually looks like it's been crayoned by a pre-schooler.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on January 31, 2019, 09:28:20 pm
I'm sorry, but it isn't possible to have a badge that big.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on January 31, 2019, 09:39:38 pm
Spoilsport.  ;D
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on January 31, 2019, 10:48:14 pm
Maybe bitten by a radioactive gillet jaune rather than sans culotte.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Nuncio on April 10, 2019, 08:45:52 am
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 10, 2019, 11:04:54 am
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.

I'm stealing that. I'd use heirloom but truly none of our systems are that prestigious.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Cudzoziemiec on April 10, 2019, 03:43:55 pm
We've become used to companies talking about their mission, but today I heard a supermarket CEO talking about their brand tie-ins "bringing customers to a clothing mission."
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on April 12, 2019, 09:19:29 am
This is why I'm struggling with my current job:
Quote
Our Advanced Infusion Oil Technology keeps full naturality of the herbs, and with the power of megasonic
waves, the original constituents can be extracted in a more efficient manner.

Looking for a 'bucket of wank' emoji
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: hatler on April 12, 2019, 09:37:48 am
That should be submitted to New Scientist. They have a slot for that on the inside back page.

I'm fascinated to know what a 'megasonic wave' is. Care to ask the marketing team ?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 09:53:08 am
There's a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool, if that helps.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on April 12, 2019, 10:03:02 am
Quote
Megasonic waves, between a frequency of 700KHz and 1.2MHz, decrease the formation of cavitation and induce microstreaming and accelerating particles to breakdown

Of course they do.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 10:38:25 am
Actually, as a serious point, I think I may have used megasonic waves. Back in the day, I used to have to extract certain nucleotides from plants so I could shoot them with lasers and stuff, and that included submerging my victims in a mix of cold freon and perchloric acid and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic) to break them up and extract the required components without (significant) mechanical damage.

So basically, what they say is true!
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rob on April 12, 2019, 10:42:00 am
Probably less management speak but my industry has become full of buzzwords.   As an example this in a publication this morning :-

"Smart energy hub and green energy sharing platform Verv has raised over £6.5mn in Series A funding. The company said on Wednesday 10 April that £5mn of the funding was provided by environmental fund Earthworm. Other investors include Centrica, InnoEnergy and Crowdcube. Verv said that it has sought to drive down household electricity bills and carbon emissions by 20% by establishing a global network of smart hubs. Its energy metering, analytics and renewable energy trading platform, based on AI and blockchain technology, is designed to enable millions to reduce their energy consumption and provide increased accessibility to green energy."

I think if they could squeeze in 'machine learning' and 'disruptor' they'd be there.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 11:14:42 am
Blockchain guff seems to be dying down (it used to be every day my inbox was full of people purporting to solve some made-up problem through their application of blockchain).

Now it's just AI-this, AI-that. It's not fucking AI anyway, at best it's some shoddy machine-learning algorithms dropped on a shitty dataset. Crap-in, crap-out.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fboab on April 12, 2019, 11:34:59 am
So basically, what they say is true!

Quote
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.

...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...

I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on April 12, 2019, 11:41:51 am
and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.

As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-

(There is some crazy shit in there.)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: rafletcher on April 12, 2019, 11:46:11 am
So basically, what they say is true!

Quote
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.

...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...

I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.

Ah, "Brassica Napus Seed Oil" sounds sooooooo much better than, um, rapeseed or mustard oil  ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 11:56:54 am
and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.

As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-

(There is some crazy shit in there.)

It does, megasonic is, it seems, actual science (I think our machine was a high-frequency ultrasonicalizer or somesuch):

Quote
Ultrasonic cleaning uses lower frequencies; it produces random cavitation. Megasonic cleaning uses higher frequencies at and above 1000 kHz; it produces controlled cavitation

Anyway it was a method of breaking apart the membranes inside cells, particularly the endoplasmic reticulum and golgi, which are quite small and thus benefit from creating teeny little cavitation events within. Then the megasonically freed nucleotides and their precursors would dissolve in the acid-Freon so you could run them through a C18 reverse phase column, ready for characterization.

I'm available for after-dinner speaking events, weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mattc on April 12, 2019, 12:10:08 pm
Well, you've convinced me! I'll get onto those idiots at Wiki ...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Tim Hall on April 12, 2019, 12:35:54 pm

as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.


There's a lot to be said in favour of full natural experiences. I haven't experienced any as a consumer though.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on April 12, 2019, 12:59:14 pm
There's a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool, if that helps.

This has just led me to learn that the Marvel character was named after the Monster Magnet track rather than the other way round.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: citoyen on April 12, 2019, 01:17:01 pm
So basically, what they say is true!

Quote
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.

...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...

I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.

I'm currently working for a well-known purveyor of non-pharmaceutical health and wellbeing products, and writing this kind of guff is my bread and butter. The real art is making medical claims for the products without making any medical claims at all, because that would contravene the regulations.

I'm not proud of myself but it pays the mortgage.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 02:23:03 pm
I'm modestly proud that work I did nudged us a (tiny) bit closer to synthetic nucleotides, which of course opened the way to synthetic DNA, and the likely eventual demise of the human race as we engineer our own overlords.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: spesh on April 12, 2019, 02:28:09 pm
That should be submitted to New Scientist. They have a slot for that on the inside back page.

I'm fascinated to know what a 'megasonic wave' is. Care to ask the marketing team ?

They'll just tell you to knock it off with those negative waves, man...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on April 12, 2019, 02:35:04 pm
In other news, someone actually made a quantum crystal (admittedly a teeny one, but still the largest object yet to violate Bell's inequality).

They somehow failed to mention whether it cured any ailment when swung on a pendulum over someone's belly.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Si S on May 21, 2019, 01:39:36 pm
So the new mob are super keen on this garbage, I have 500 pages of stuff like 'synergize' and 'sharpen the saw' to plough through before a 2 day leadership workshop at the end of the week. If there's a mass murder at spa hotel in the peaks this week you know why, although it'd be consistent with the psychological profile I've recently had to do to see if I'm suited to the job I've been doing for years.  ::-)
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: cygnet on May 22, 2019, 09:04:57 am
Quote
Hi All,

XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.

Shudder.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ElyDave on May 22, 2019, 09:13:54 am
Quote
Hi All,

XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.

Shudder.

whereas a company I did some work for recently said " we want people to be doing meaningful tasks rather than shuffling data, so we're using this one tool to hold all data and let people use it to produce the reports they want"
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on May 22, 2019, 11:46:18 am
Quote
Hi All,

XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.

Shudder.

Oh, I am so stealing 'parametric design.'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: FifeingEejit on May 22, 2019, 12:48:24 pm
Quote
Hi All,

XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.

Shudder.

Oh, I am so stealing 'parametric design.'

Quote
Parametric design is a process based on algorithmic thinking that enables the expression of parameters and rules that, together, define, encode and clarify the relationship between design intent and design response.

Yu wat now?

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: caerau on May 22, 2019, 12:50:35 pm
Isn't parametrics like the Paralympics cept for mathematicians?

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on May 22, 2019, 12:55:55 pm
Quote
Hi All,

XCO is looking to leverage the power of digital data, computation and parametric design to further merge evolving technologies within engineering to create a digital toolkit suite. This will enable automation of mundane tasks and increase the interoperability between software platforms which will save time, gain efficiencies, reduce errors and provide more time for greater creative solutions.

Shudder.

Translation: we're writing some subroutines.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on May 22, 2019, 02:22:05 pm
Since I vacated my Tidy Haired Thought Leadership™ chair for the elevated subdecks of product innovation, I've thus learned two things:

firstly, add the words 'artificial intelligence' to everything.
secondly, how to spell algorithm and understand it's not a peculiar kind of dance move.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: caerau on May 22, 2019, 02:23:41 pm
no mention of mnemonics?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on May 22, 2019, 02:24:38 pm
Not that I remember.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: caerau on May 22, 2019, 02:26:19 pm
Well I am rather out of date in computerise things.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: FifeingEejit on May 22, 2019, 02:42:02 pm
no mention of mnemonics?

The danger of those things is when you accidentally refer to the Bon Jovi architecture in a serious situation.

I of course have absolutely no memory of the Von Neumann architecture is beyond that.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Giraffe on May 28, 2019, 07:18:31 am
 From /. comments on Usanian universities ceasing to offer MBA courses (expansions of MBA are welcome  ;) ), a rather good parody of business tw@tspeak:
"Clearly, these MBA programs need to identify synergies so that they can be more impactful about incentivizing more student stakeholders thereby leveraging scaleout to maximize university revenue."

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 11, 2019, 03:30:33 pm
"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"

I have some doubts.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 11, 2019, 03:37:18 pm
The last time we had fun on the mothership we had to jettison several entire subdecks. It was the only way to be sure.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 11, 2019, 06:16:20 pm
"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"

I have some doubts.

Those are my criteria for car hire.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Pingu on June 11, 2019, 06:22:26 pm
"The new setup for our managerial structure will allow us to make a bigger impact at higher speed – while having more fun"

I have some doubts.

Skydivers'R'Us?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on June 12, 2019, 01:09:54 pm
Since I vacated my Tidy Haired Thought Leadership™ chair for the elevated subdecks of product innovation, I've thus learned two things:

firstly, add the words 'artificial intelligence' to everything.
secondly, how to spell algorithm and understand it's not a peculiar kind of dance move.

You are so behind the curve, granddad.

It is called 'machine learning' these days. This must be combined with reference to the Internet of Things, oops, sorry, 'IoT'.

Example

Quote
In the IoT, Machine Learning will expedite the creation of value from data.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 12, 2019, 01:23:26 pm
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on June 12, 2019, 04:34:18 pm
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.

AI is so last decade.

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: TheLurker on June 12, 2019, 05:15:42 pm
AI is so last decade.
Given the rate at which old ideas get recycled as "new", "shiny" and "magic" in our particular trade I expect it's either back at the cutting edge now or will be in about 20 femtoseconds and back out of fashion a dozen or so nanoseconds after that. 

The rag trade can't even come close to IT for fickleness.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 12, 2019, 08:13:09 pm
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.

AI is so last decade.

Next you'll be telling me that it's wrong to make my development squad wear silver spandex one-piece suits?

That said, they required surprisingly little encouragement.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: fuzzy (retd.) AAGE on June 12, 2019, 11:28:59 pm
The term Artificial Intelligence has always amused me. It suggests that the boffins are saying that the machine intelligence is fake......
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Jaded on June 12, 2019, 11:31:01 pm
Donald Trump has Artificial Intelligence.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Kim on June 12, 2019, 11:31:36 pm
The term Artificial Intelligence has always amused me. It suggests that the boffins are saying that the machine intelligence is fake......

As a one-time boffin with a little experience in the subject, this seems entirely reasonable to me.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: mrcharly-YHT on June 13, 2019, 08:46:26 am
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.

AI is so last decade.

Next you'll be telling me that it's wrong to make my development squad wear silver spandex one-piece suits?

That said, they required surprisingly little encouragement.
Your suit is gold, right?
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Palinurus on June 13, 2019, 09:09:57 am

Quote
... parameters and rules that, together, define, encode and clarify the relationship between design intent and design response.

Yu wat now?

There's a relationship?

Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: HTFB on June 13, 2019, 10:54:34 am
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
When you're selling it, it's Artificial Intelligence. When you're seeking a budget for the computers, it's Machine Learning. When you're doing it, it's linear regression.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 13, 2019, 11:20:47 am
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
When you're selling it, it's Artificial Intelligence. When you're seeking a budget for the computers, it's Machine Learning. When you're doing it, it's linear regression.

This is actually exact. The data science minion says linear regression model, I put it down as machine learning and trained algorithms, and sales and marketing pitch artificial intelligence.

We've moved from silver spandex to gold? Really, I get tired just looking at that curve. This boy don't sprint, he ambles.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: menthel on June 13, 2019, 11:29:42 am
I am currently enjoying being "transformed". Sadly this doesn't give me Optimus Prime like abilities, rather free time where work time used to be...
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: ian on June 13, 2019, 11:33:35 am
We have a business transformation initiative which, I admit, does feel a bit like being stuck in the middle of one those six-hour long Transformer movies. If, instead of filming it, they'd done the entire thing with PowerPoint and Excel.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Mr Larrington on June 13, 2019, 12:56:14 pm
I started to use 'machine learning' (we do, oh we do) but they told me it wasn't sexy enough and to use 'artificial intelligence' instead.

This curve is too steep to climb.
Wow what a bunch of has-beens.

AI is so last decade.

Last decade?  "AI" as a term stopped being hip around 1980 when SAIL was merged into Stanford's main Babbage-Science department.
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: JonJo on June 17, 2019, 12:38:06 pm
'C'mon guys, I can't ride two horses with one arse.'
Title: Re: more insane management speak phrases
Post by: Andrij on June 28, 2019, 09:04:24 pm
(https://assets.amuniversal.com/c378dcc069090137a0d7005056a9545d)

(https://assets.amuniversal.com/a903301069080137a0d7005056a9545d)