Armchair Audax.
Get a Life! A common enough cry from night club queues and chucked out pubs as we pedal past, on the way from A to A via B.C.D…etc. Unfortunately life has crept up on me in the form of a housing upgrade, keeping my nose to the angle grinder, router and mitre saw. Never mind though, Audax is as much a mental exercise as a physical one, so I’ve joined the 60% of Arrivee readers riding from the comfort of their armchair. I’m a bit concerned that we are not receiving the attention we deserve so I’ve been giving some thought to some basic guidelines to getting the best from your static recumbent.
Risk assessment.
We might perceive sitting at home with a magazine as a risk free environment, but how can we say this when no statistics are available? In the absence of a formal reporting system there are a few obvious risks which we can minimise by common sense precautions.
1. Feeding regime. Placing of beverages and foodstuffs in the immediate reading zone present a hazard to both reader and other household members. Bottles of wine and beer should be of screw top or other closable design, bidons could be used for still drinks but care must be taken to flatten fizzy pop and lagers. Foodstuffs should be non-greasy to avoid staining the lovely colour photos and be inherently stable. An ice-cream sundae with a cherry on top would lie at one extreme of the unsuitability scale and a dry wholemeal oatcake at the other, desirable, end of the scale
2. Appropriate reading level. It is best if we stick to areas of core competence. New readers should start with short articles on my first 50 or 100k. It is vital that we are not over-stimulated as this may lead to biting of more than we can chew. Reading about saddle sores, hot foot, sleep deprivation induced hallucinations, carpal tunnel syndrome and exposure/ sun-stroke can be off putting to those who have not been through these common problems. We can recognise articles likely to touch on these subjects by their length, anything over three pages can usually be relied on to scare the ‘bejasus’ out of the beginner. Likewise any article about battery life, lighting beam patterns and GPS systems only makes sense when you have found yourself dazed, confused and in the dark in Lincolnshire at 2.30am.
3. Chair design and position. The usual search for lightweight kit can be ignored. It would be possible to produce a carbon fibre Eames chair, but comfort is the keynote. A reclining chair would be ideal, enabling the reader to snooze their way through descriptions of 30 miles of fen and yet be able to sit bolt upright to appreciate encounters with 18 to 25 age group triathlons. The chair should be sited slightly off the main route between television and fridge, possibly close to the computer terminal.
4. PBP. A classic form of over stimulation. All too easy to find yourself stuck in the middle of Brittany wondering where it all went wrong. Remember that you can follow the field over the interweb, checking times into controls on the net. A little pre-planning opens up a whole new field of online betting.
5. Clothing. This must be appropriate for the setting and climatic conditions, Lycra is not usually needed, but can be useful in role-play situations. Don’t forget sunglasses and a hat to combat glare if the reading zone receives direct sunlight, e.g. a conservatory or ‘sun-room’.
AAA.
This proposed new award, the Armchair Appreciation Award, would be validated through an online comprehension test. Points would be available to encourage participation and cover to cover readers would be rewarded for their diligence.
Anyway I must go now as today is my birthday and I must lay in a store of lager on the way back from respacing my balustrades to satisfy the building inspector. I might see you out on the road, or maybe in the pages of Arrivee.
