G Imlach: | O hai! TV’s G Imlach here with a twinkle in mi eye and a merry quip never far from mi lips! Big news on teh Tour de France is teh disqualibobificationism of CP Sagan after yesterday’s imbroglio! |
Omnes: | Didn’t she have a hit with “Torn”? |
G Imlach: | Silence, u quivering Ewoks! TV’s C Boardmen, what say u? |
EC Boardman: | O hai! I am TV’s Evil C Boardman and personally I think CP Sagan should have been boiled in turpentine and his giblets fed 2 teh Tour’s Pariah Dogs! And A Démare should have Coldplay pumped into his personal radio until he checks himself into hospital! |
NC Boardman: | Harsh, EC Boardman! I, TV’s Nice C Boardman, say that mi object all sublime I shall achieve in time — 2 let teh punishment fit teh crime — teh punishment fit teh crime. And make each sprinter pent unwillingly represent a source ov innocent merriment, ov innocent merriment! Oh yes! |
G Imlach: | And WT blithering F does that mean? |
NC Boardman: | I have absolutely no idea! |
Omnes: | Yay 4 P@nd3m1c Pr0duckt10nzTM®! U don’t get Gilbert & Sullivan on Eurosport! |
D Friebe: | O hai! D Friebe here! And now teh thoughts of Chairman Cav! |
M Cavendish: | (Dignified response in face of having year ruined) |
SD Millar: | O hai! I am TV’s Super D Millar! Teh commissaires are a bunch of plonkernauts. U liek mi hair? |
Omnes: | Better than that fukn’ hat u had last year, Super D! Teh one that looked liek an upturned fruit bowl upholstered with teh wallpaper from an Indian restaurant! |
G Imlach: | Cut! CUT!!1! |
| Slow dissolve to… |
C Prudhomme: | (Waves arms) I believe I can fly! |
Omnes: | Piss off, Orville! |
N Boulting: | O hai! TV’s *** Boulting welcoming u 2 another day ov châteaux and local delicacies! |
SD Millar: | O hai! Who shall make teh futile break today, ***? |
N Boulting: | Actually, Super D, this break may not be so futile after all. P Gilbert, J Bakelite, TD Gendt, M Delage, EB Hagen, DV Baarle, PL Perisher ect ect. And PT Voeckler 4 teh lulz! |
PT Voeckler: | O hai! In teh absence of CP Sagan I, P’tit T Voeckler, will be providing ur recommended daily intake ov teh Crazy! |
EB Hagen: | O hai! U may call me B-Dog if it saves electrons! |
Omnes: | w00t! EB Hagen iz teh gangsta! Roffle! |
G Thomas: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | Fake news! |
N Boulting: | O RLY? Iz a thing? |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, it is. |
R Porte: | U utter git, G Thomas! |
N Boulting: | Right, lunch! Here 4 ur viewing plezh are TV’s M Smith and M Bennett! |
M Smith: | O hai teh break is. Full of riders who have. Pwned teh Tour ov BRITAIN. Which is M Bennett’s race. M Bennett has tentacles everywhere! |
M Bennett: | Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! |
M Smith: | That’s easy 4 u 2. Say here is R McEwen. 4 ur listening plezh! |
R McEwen: | (Lengthy rambling about M Cavendish, T Steels, CP Sagan, egg & cress sandwiches, Satan ect ect) |
Bethany (7): | dere commissaires cp sagan iz not teh bad man & wrongness – u haz it! |
R McEwen: | I wish I’d said that. |
M Bennett: | Tour ov BRITAIN!!1! |
M Smith: | And now certifiable nutter M. Beaumont who is riding round. Teh world in eighty days! |
M Beaumont: | Wibble!!1! |
M Bennett: | Tour ov BRITAIN!!1! |
| (Later…) |
M Bennett: | Tour ov BRITAIN!!1! |
Bethany (7): | go away u silly old man! |
| (Later…) |
N Boulting: | J Bakelite. Podium girls. Or what? Clicky… |
NC Boardman: | It’s 2017, FFS! |
SD Millar: | Meh! |
N Boulting: | Not podium girls, hostesses! |
NC Boardman: | Not much better, is it? 2017, FFS! |
Bethany (7): | Yet another example of teh unequal power relations between women and men whereby women are systematically disadvantaged and oppressed1. It’s 2017, FFS! |
Omnes: | Bethany (7) 4 PM! |
BG Hincapie: | That’s no hostess, that’s Mrs BG Hincapie! |
| (Quite a lot later…) |
SD Millar: | Today’s word is “cinéma”. CI-NÉ-MA. Cinéma. |
| (Down teh road a-piece…) |
TD Gendt: | Arse! |
N Boulting: | Teh sun is out and so is PT Voeckler’s tongue! |
SD Millar: | I didn’t spike his covfefe! No. No, I never! Some big boys did it then ran away! |
| (Enfin…) |
SD Millar: | …rampy… |
Omnes: | If that is a word, Super D, it shouldn’t be. Plz 2 get in teh sea! |
P Gilbert: | O hai! I am P Gilbert and I am made ov teh Win! Right, I iz off! C U l8r, suxx0rz!!1! |
J Bakelite: | O hai! I am J Bakelite and I am made of patriarchy! Got me johnnies in me pocket lol! |
Omnes: | Wanker! |
R Porte: | Work, u dogs! |
Team BMC: | Wanker! |
Team $ky: | Hold our BEER! |
PL Perisher, PT Voeckler & B-Dog: | Piss! |
F Aru: | Aroooooooo! I’m looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's. Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein! |
P Gilbert: | U forgot mi birthday, u utter git! |
J Bakelite: | Arse! Back 2 teh happy sock. |
Omnes: | Wanker! |
SD Millar: | …and S Yates sitting there with his out-of-the-saddle stylee! |
Omnes: | U wot? |
C Froome: | O hai clouds o hai $ky team bus o hai stem! Watch this! |
D Martin: | U were saying? |
N Quintana: | O hai! Mi name is I Montoya N Quintana! U killed mi father A Valverde! Prepare 2, er, oh! Bugger! |
G Imlach: | And now, over 2 multilingual smart-alec M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | Mi spikim C Froome. U tälibûn qüatre ceńt çoup skubh el BMC do fernakerpans! Boutrosboutrosghali? |
C Froome: | What did he just say? |
F Aru: | Aroooooooo! If u want me I’ll be drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's and mi hair will be perfect! |
Omnes: | Draw blood! |