Bethany (7): | o hai bthny heer soz cant comentat on teh tour 2da coz mi mum got rite long jus coz I bunkt of skool yesterda!!!! sendin this frm 5s fone shes mi totes bff not liek mi mum she took mi fone awa NOT FARE teh fukn old c-o-w!!!!?! sa hi 2 tvs niec c boardman frm me an 5,,,, hes liek mi coole unkl jeo (onli lots oldr rofl{ bai xXx bthny1 |
M Rendall: | What did she just say? |
NC Boardman: | They grow up so fast these days, don’t they? |
G Imlach: | Yes. Yes, they do. Today’s stage, Nice C Boardman. Ur prediction? |
NC Boardman: | Futile break, sprint finish, *** Boulting talking about Jacques Brel again. Unless teh wind picks up, which will be teh different kettle ov fish. |
M Kitteh: | Did he say “fish”? I liek fish! Also, miaow! |
C Prudhomme: | Back in ur travelling basket, M Kitteh! Teh stage hasn’t started yet! |
| Later… |
N Boulting: | O hai! TV’s *** Boulting here! Super D Millar, SCIENCE us! Wind! |
SD Millar: | Woo! Pens! (Explains Futility ov Breaks with teh Aid ov Diagrams…) Wind! |
N Boulting: | Top SCIENCE there! And tomorrow SD Millar will Explain Mountains through teh Medium ov Interpretive Dance! Wind! |
| Exeunt four Charlies, pursued by a pelican… |
SD Millar: | M Mori… very Italian. They’re all exhibitionists! |
M Cipollini: | How very dare you, Sir! Naem yore weapon! |
SD Millar: | I naem him… BASIL!!1! |
M Cipollini: | OK, u win. |
| Later… |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 wind, M Smith, M Rogers, lunch and wind. Wind! |
M Rogers: | Wind. La Grande Motte 2009. Wind. |
M Smith: | Wind. Stage win 4 A Greipel teh goriler ov 3b. |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
| Much later… |
M Rogers & M Smith: | Wind. We haz pens also. But no paper. Soz! |
N Boulting: | We’re baaaaaack! What’s happening? |
Omnes: | Nothing. |
SD Millar | What, again? |
| After a suitable period has elapsed… |
N Boulting: | Sprint! |
S Colbrelli: | O hai! Got it right this tiem eh? |
M Kitteh: | Let me out ov this basket! I am a professional racing cyclist, I tell you, not a bloody cat! Also, miaow! |
N Boulting & SD Millar: | Wind!!1! |
N Boulting: | And now 4 ur listening plezh, Sir G Verity! |
SG Verity: | Eh up! Fook me, ah’m knackered! Just ridden ‘undred and twenty k. Bai eck, it’s a bit warm out there! w00t, CAEK! Wind! Tour de Yorkshire! |
JR Tyke: | ...bloody give u Col de bloody Buttertubs, tha great spawny-eyed parrot-faced wazzock… |
| After teh 4th Cat lump… |
N Boulting: | Yawn! M Rendall, ur turn 2 SCIENCE us! |
SD Millar: | Must we? |
M Rendall: | Shivva mi ganesh sur knobftick blood! Dachshund Apollo XV scumble begumseguckeger on!on bol do fjørd con jamón! Clair von cratère lunytiče são giorgio go-kart Cait O’Riordan? LOL!!1! |
SD Millar: | Get! Out! |
Bethany (7): | O hai! What’s happening, gang? |
Omnes: | Nothing. |
Bethany (7): | What, again? |
Bethany’s Mum: | Bef’ny! Gerrin ‘ere an’ do yore ‘omework! |
Bethany (7): | Awwwwwww, Muuuum! Bloody Tory league tables! |
| ... |
N Boulting: | Wine. |
SD Millar: | Yes plz! Hic! |
N Boulting: | Hair! |
SD Millar: | Oh yes! I’m worth it! |
N Boulting: | Wind… gorn! |
| And so to… |
N Boulting: | Futile break… gorn! |
SD Millar: | Sprint, sprint, sprintEEEE! |
M Kitteh: | Winnage? Also, miaow! |
B-Dog: | Winnage? Woof, woof! |
M Kitteh: | Ha! U lose, dogbreath! U liek mi hair? Miaow! |
B-Dog: | Piss! |
A Démare: | Oh. Haz teh stage finished then? |
N Bouhanni: | I wuz robbed! Again. |
Omnes: | Ooh, M Kitteh! Ur so money supermarket! |
M Kitteh: | What did they just say? |