G Imlach: | O hai! Teh last da in teh Pyraknees and a heavy heavy monster stage! 200 km ov beastliness including teh climb so evil it has an adjective all ov its very own! |
Bethany [8]: | Eh? |
G Imlach: | Those who hav ridden up teh Col du Tourmalet are sed 2 b tourmalisé. Tourmalised. |
Bethany [8]: | U made that up! |
G Imlach: | No I never! "Tourmalised" iz a perfectly cromulent word! |
Bethany [8]: | Isn't! |
G Imlach: | Is so! Ask TV's M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | Waffle permission kidless boyfriend*! |
Bethany [8]: | I wouldn't trust that 1 2 tell me teh tiem! |
G Imlach: | As I woz saing. C Boardmen: is G Thomas safe in teh shinyjumper? |
NC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, he iz. T $ky haz enuff strength 2 counter ne assault attacks from T Sunweb & TLNL Jumbo. |
EC Boardman: | No. No, he iz not. TD Windmill haz been bluffing wif hiz "I am not strong enuff 2 assault attack G Thomas 2da" bum-gravy! He will taek tiem off G Thomas and then kick hiz donkey in teh tiem-trail! A hahahaha! Oh yes! |
Omnes: | Now that's a metaphor 4 Brexit, N Farage! |
N Farage: | Oh, how I wish there woz a war on! I could hav u shot! |
G Imlach: | Other contenders? |
EC Boardman: | T Moviestar! Lusers! [Adopts daft squeaky voice liek a Scouser trying 2 talk posh] Oh, we want 2 protect our position in teh team thing! Eeeeewh! Oh yes! |
NC Boardman: | R Bardet may try 2 tourmalise everyone iffen he hasn't been stuffed up a chimney by J Alaphilippe 4 teh lulz! |
G Imlach: | So there u haz it! Xitement, adventure & really wild things! *** & Super D, informationalise us! |
TJV Garderen: | This is teh sort of thing u lifeforms enjoy, is it? |
N Boulting: | O hai! Tour ov France not over yet! Mountains! |
SD Millar: | Indeed, ***. L'autobus will form before C Prudhomme does his flaggyfing, TD Gendt will do a futile break & teh top ten will watch each other liek wols! |
C Prudhomme: | Off u fck, u moth-eaten cushions! |
| [Uzhul early-doors dicking around] |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan! Iz he moar damaged than we suspected? |
SD Millar: | I rather think he is. He iz practically a mummy under teh snottyjumper! |
CP Sagan: | If I wasn't crazy I'd call this crazy! And join M Cavendish in teh pub! |
| [...] |
W Barguil: | I will indulge in a futile assault attack, ostensibly 4 spottypoints but mostly 4 teh lulz @ teh expense ov J Alaphilippe! |
Bethany [8]: | Yay! |
J Alaphilippe: | U utter tit, W Barguil! I woz looking 4ward 2 teh niec biek ride in teh country! RAAAAAWWWRR! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! T Moviestar haz 2 riders up teh road! |
Bethany [8]: | And that will achieve what, exactly? |
A Valverde: | Here iz a whole bag ov kumquats, Bethany [8]! |
Bethany [8]: | U learn fast, A Valverde! |
L Rowe: | Right! Ne ov u lot trying 2 start nething will rnser 2 my new pal CP Sagan! |
CP Sagan: | U heard teh man! U want crazy, I show u crazy! I borrow El Molñiero from JJ Jarlinsson, teh Columbian Viking! |
T Pelican: | Yeth, mathters! |
| [...] |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai, B Jungels! Stab! |
B Jungels: | Arse! Disc brakes! Double-arse! |
N Boulting: | Lunchtiem!!1! M Smith & Dokta Hutch, give us teh benefit ov ur wossname! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
M Smith: | O hai! O hai, D Hutch! D Hutch, y u walk funneh? |
D Hutch: | O hai! I b0rked mi hip. Running. FFS! |
M Smith: | Not over yet! |
D Hutch: | No. No it is not. TD Windmill could still do teh long-range assault attack wif teh aid ov spreadsheets! |
M Smith: | TLNL Jumbo alliance T Sunweb? |
D Hutch: | Plausible. Also, P Roglic will beat C Froome in teh tiem-trail because I, TV's Dokta Hutch, sa so! |
M Smith: | T $ky PR... |
D Hutch: | C Froome! Damaged goods! Ooh ooh ooh ooh! Send them back! |
Omnes: | Stone me, it's teh Gang Ov 4! |
| [...] |
D Hutch: | Even iffen G Thomas w1nz0rz teh Tour ov France, E Bernal will b teh next leader ov T $ky! |
M Smith: | Tiem-trail! Teknikal! |
D Hutch: | Not so teknikal! Designed 2 stop R Bardet from making a tit ov himself! |
M Smith: | A Kristoff dropped by teh pelican! On his tod! |
D Hutch: | CP Sagan suffering! Who's 3rd on snottypoints? |
M Smith: | A Démare. |
D Hutch: | Oh. OK. Who's 4th? |
A Viewer: | Y r T Moviestar so Rubbish? |
D Hutch: | Trident > fork > skewer > oblivion. |
A Valverde: | Payment in kumquats OK? |
D Hutch: | Cash onli! |
A Valverde: | Piss! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaack! Well, me and Niec C are. Super D iz having a fite with a corkscrew. |
| [FX: repeated hammering, revving chainsaw, muffled swearing, controlled xplosion] |
SD Millar: | Gotcha, u bstrd! |
NC Boardman: | Forty-six minutes 4 CP Sagan. Tho iffen he was outside teh tiem limit, teh Eh-Ess-Oh would let him back in! |
Bethany [8]: | They didn't do that 4 M Cavendish! |
EC Boardman: | Dur. He's BRITISH! Hahahaha! Oh yes! |
C Prudhomme: | Bof! |
NC Boardman: | 3 mountainz between G Thomas & Paris! |
CP Sagan: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! A vulture! |
EC Boardman: | It's circling CP Sagan! Hahahaha! Oh yes! |
CP Sagan: | DIAF, EC Boardman! |
J Alaphilippe: | \o/ Teh spottyjumper iz mine. Yarbles 2 u, W Barguil! |
Bethany [8]: | Git!!1! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | w00t! Teh Tourmalet! TK Alpecin on teh front ov teh pelican. No-1 knows why. Tiem 4 covfefe, M Smith & D Hutch! |
M Smith: | W1nz0rz & lusers, D Hutch? |
D Hutch: | E Bernal, F Gardenia, J Alaphilippe FTW! R Bardet M Cavendish made ov FAIL! |
M Smith: | Characters in teh pelican? M Cipollini! |
D Hutch: | CP Sagan J Alaphilippe! Peops liek 2 see biek racing done badly! |
Omnes: | Plz 2 hav Dokta Hutch every da next year! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! R Bardet assault attack! |
T $ky: | Fcks_given = 0 |
SD Millar: | Pre-planned by T AG2R! |
N Boulting: | M Landa! J Birdsong! I Saccharine, teh sneeky fukn Russian! R Majka! |
SD Millar: | No reaction from TLNL Jumbo! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! M Landa haz tourmalised R Bardet & I Saccharine, teh sneeky fukn Russian! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! R Bardet & I Saccharine, teh sneeky fukn Russian, haz un-tourmalised themselves! |
N Boulting: | M Landa virtual shinypodium! |
T $ky: | C our store ov fcks? Still teh saem siez as it woz 3 hours ago! |
J Alaphilippe: | \o/ Et le Prix J Goddet aussi! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | M Landa virtually ahead ov TD Windmill! |
SD Millar: | Bof! M Landa will have tourmalised himself and will blo up on teh Aubisque because I, TV's Super D Millar, sa so! |
N Boulting: | M Landa could get teh virtual shinyjumper! |
SD Millar: | That would b teh FAIL by T $ky & T Sunweb! |
| [On teh Bordères] |
N Boulting: | R Bardet! M Landa! TQ Step! |
SD Millar: | R Gesink @ front ov pelican! Long pull limit loss! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe blown up in teh service ov B Jungels! |
SD Millar: | J Castroviejo blown up in teh service ov G Thomas! |
N Boulting: | A Valverde blown up in teh service ov, er, what exactly? |
J Alaphilippe: | So I haz blowed up! Ptui and, moreover LOL! |
TJV Garderen: | Incredible… it’s even worse than I thought it would be! |
N Boulting: | R Gesink haz blowed up! No grate surprise! |
T $ky: | Ta, R Gesink! [Aside] U silly sod! |
N Boulting: | S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard hav blowed up! |
| [On teh Aubisque] |
N Boulting: | All going according 2 T $ky's Cunning Plan! |
SD Millar: | I Saccharine, teh sneeky fukn Russian, descending liek teh mountain walrus! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Kruijswijk iz on 1! |
T $ky: | Wud ne1 liek 2 borrow some fcks? We haz loadz 2 spare! |
| [@ teh front] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! M Landa R Bardet wif R Majka in luke-warm pursuit! |
| [In teh remains ov teh pelican] |
N Boulting: | TD Windmill! Assault attack! |
T $ky: | Check ur figures, ***! 1 ov him & lots ov us! |
D Martin: | I haz a go... oh! U utter git, P Roglic! |
SD Millar: | E Bernal blowed up! C Froome blowed up! |
S Kruijswijk: | Noes! Cort! By mi own team-mate! U utter git, P Roglic! |
| [Worst-timed shitverts evvah] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! E Bernal & C Froome have cort up agane! |
C Froome: | Ta, son! |
E Bernal: | I want moar money 4 this job! |
SD Millar: | S Kruijswijk haz doned another assault attack! WTF r TLNL Jumbo doing? |
5: | Ooooh, look! Poneys! |
| [@ teh front] |
M Landa & R Bardet: | FFS! R bloody Majka! |
T Pelican: | O hai, I Saccharine, teh sneeky fukn Russian! |
I Saccharine: | Piss! |
T Pelican: | O hai, R Bardet & M Landa! |
M Landa & R Bardet: | Arse! |
Omnes: | Oh-oh! Spectidiots! |
T Pelican: | O hai, R Maj... bugger! He got away! |
R Majka: | Catch me if u can! |
P Roglic: | Challenge accepted! [Sits back, lets inner hooligan taek over] |
| [...] |
P Roglic: | \o/ Compared wif throwing urself off a mountain strapped 2 a pair ov planks, that woz teh simples! Also, I haz bonerfications! |
G Thomas: | I haz teh bonerfications also! |
TD Windmill: | Piss! |
| [...] |
P Roglic: | Really 'appy! Crazy! 4 sure! 2moro iz new da! 4 sure! |
CP Sagan: | I'll let u off, just this once! |
D Martin: | Motorbieks! Ridiculous! |
TD Windmill: | Motorbieks! Ridiculous! |
G Imlach: | Wowsa! We could haz an xiting tiem-trail! Could G Thomas w1nz0r teh tiem-trail? |
NC Boardman: | TD Windmill sez P Roglic will pwn it! |
Omnes: | Iz it such a gud idea 2 play QOTSA's "No One Knows" over teh end credits, Vsquared, bearing in mind that teh 2nd verse goes "We get these pills to swallow / How they stick / In your throat / Tastes like gold"? |
doffs its non-wanky hat 2 Scott sotp 4 finding this phrase or saying inna Canuckistani TV guide