G Imlach: | O hai tis I TV's G Imlach. Master of drôlerie et les blagues. 2da we go to Épernay by way of Tours sur Marne. Jerome K Chesterfield wrote that1. |
Bethany (9): | Was natural selection on teh sick teh day you were conceived, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | Hahahahahahahahaha! Haven't u got a skool 2 burn down? |
Bethany (9): | FCK! OFF! I NEVER DONE NUFFINK! |
N Boulting: | Sofa so good, right, G Imlach? |
G Imlach: | I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | Call it revenge 4 teh repeated showings ov my colemantarial cockup @ teh end ov Stage 1! |
G Imlach: | As I was saing, 2da we haz teh hillclimby bonerfications and a eebil uphill finish. Prepare 4 fireworx! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! |
E Merckx: | OK, u improbable plot devices! Get out ov mi cuntry! [Waves fleg] |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! |
N Boulting: | U could ov spent 2 hours assessing teh combinations & permutations ov 2da's stage, Super D! |
Omnes: | Ooooooh, Super D! Ur soooooooo clevvah! Y not just record teh words "J Alaphilippe", loop it and fck off 2 teh pub all afternoon? |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all 2! |
C Prudhomme: | [Waves fleg] |
TD Gendt: | 1st week ov teh Tour, mostly flat stage, tiem 4 me, TD Gendt, teh racing beast & tictacal mealworm, 2 do my piece! |
T Pelican: | Just stop it, u beardy twonk! |
T Wellens: | Ha! While u lot r watching TD Gendt liek Tiny Tommeh Ten-Naems eyeing up a line ov Bolivian Nose Candy I, T Wellens, will form teh futile break wif some Pro-Conti no-hopers! |
SD Millar: | Pre-planned! Elastic! |
N Boulting: | Wind! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! T Martin iz turning teh pelican into a piece of string! |
K Rew2: | [Sings:] I'm in luv wif a gril called String/And I'm buying her a wedding ring! |
Omnes: | Begone, K Rew, and taek ur deluxe Merseybeat wig wif u! |
K Rew: | I, also, h8 u all! |
SD Millar: | TJ Visma must control teh break 4 140 km! Which means tiem 4 M Smith in teh Vsquared broom cupboard, lunch & brandyyyyyy! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOOOSH!] |
M Smith: | O hai! Mi hostages 2da r teh Tanfield Bros, cycling's rnser 2 Vic Weebl & Bob! |
H Tanfield: | Ooh, fur-lined handcuffs, M Smith? U bin hanging out wif Bethany's Mum? |
Bethany's Mum: | Oooooh, hello, big boy! |
C Tanfield: | And a carbon-fibre car battery! Ur budget must ov gone up! Does it run 2 a cup of tea 2? |
M Smith: | Talk. U. Dogs. |
H & C Tanfield: | J Alaphilippe! GV Avermaet CP Sagan! Rampy! Road, track, Olympics! J Alaphilippe! T Martin T AS-TA-NA! |
M Smith: | Look, see! R Porte iz literally giving hiz hed a wobble! |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I had 2 abandon teh Tour ov Liechtenstein when I got rabies? |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We're baaaaaaaaack!!1! Moules en champagne, poulet au champagne & champagne sorbet! With champagne! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
H & C Tanfield: | Gits! We'll b lucky iffen we get a stale pasty & a can ov Diet Water! |
N Boulting: | H & C Tanfield: embryonic T Martins! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
TP Kennaugh: | O hai! Becoz I am immune 2 J Alaphilippe fanboiïsm I predict C Ewan will pwn teh stage 2da! |
N Boulting: | Y Offredo! Bad luck baseball bat Stanley knife mystery virus! R Porte-in-waiting! |
N Bouhanni [via Insta-App]: | It wasn't me! |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I had 2 abandon La Vuelta d'Andorra when a meteorite hit me? |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh pelican ov teh Tour ov France! All teh creme ov teh world ov road-racing! |
Omnes: | O RLY? |
P Roglič: | O RLY? |
P Gilbert: | O RLY? |
N Bouhanni [via FaceTwit]: | O RLY? |
Omnes: | LOL @ N Bouhanni! |
N Bouhanni [via an angry letter 2 a local newspaper]: | I'll learn u good & proper! I'll kill u all 2 DETH! And then haz a ice-cream! |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | [Laborious teaching ov TP Kennaugh how 2 sa "La Planche Des Belles Filles"] |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
N Boulting: | Teh pelican... moving inna way teh pelican doesn't understand4! |
TP Kennaugh: | A Valverde climby bonerfications? |
N Boulting: | Pfft J Alaphilippe! |
TP Kennaugh: | Feels liek we're really on teh Tour ov France 2da! |
Omnes: | |
TP Kennaugh: | No TK Alpecin rider in teh futile break. |
N Boulting: | Perhaps they are planning something I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian? |
SD Millar: | [Snoring] |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Champagne! |
SD Millar: | Champagne appellation controlée! Is there any left? |
| [FX: heavy diesel engine, creaking as of cable under strain, mitey xplosion] |
SD Millar: | FFS, ***, it's gone in mi hair! |
Omnes: | Wot, Super D? No wankhat? |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh sprint0rz r lining up 2 haz a pop @ CP Sagan 4 teh snottypoints! |
E Viviani: | Hah! |
CP Sagan: | Back in ur box, laddie! [Aside:] U gr8 tw@! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Any1 who can pwn an early-season classic can be teh winz0r 2da! GV Avermaet J Birdsong JR Belgian! |
SD Millar: | WV Aert! MVD Poel! |
N Boulting: | He's R Poulidor's grandson3, u kno! |
5’s Mummy: | Ai say! That means we're related! |
Bethany's Mum: | Oh yeah? U from teh Moldovan branch ov teh Poulidor famlee or sumfink? |
5’s Mummy: | U will b hearing from mi solicitor. Ai hear u know all about soliciting... |
Omnes: | Fight! Fight! Bring teh mud bath! |
Bethany (9): | U disgust me. Smash teh patriarchy! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | We haz on teh blower T Southam DS ov TEFE First. Sa hello 2 teh niec boyz & grilz, T Southam! |
Bethany (9): | I gave up being niec 4 Lent & nevvah started agane! |
T Southam: | Team tiem-tra...NO CARRIER |
Omnes: | Get EO Aquitaine next tiem, ***! She doesn't need a signal! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | A Valverde? |
SD Millar: | A Valverde Tour d'Occitan Champion ov teh WURRRLD road race champion ov Spaign? |
N Boulting: | Will he pwn teh stage? |
SD Millar: | No. |
N Boulting: | G Thomas? |
SD Millar: | Yes. No. Maybe. |
N Boulting: | Thank u, Super D! [Aside:] Idiot! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Not much going on ATM. M Rendall, historificate us with, er, history! |
M Rendall: | Olimpiakos poplarbaum cultural Barsaloona! Léon Bum, er, Blum! Generalissimo... |
N Boulting: | Hold on a sec, it's Rams cathedral! |
SD Millar: | Rims cathedral Christianity Ronaldo coronation chicken! |
EO Aquitaine: | Oooh! Rems cathedral! I goned there once. It was shut 4 repairs. |
N Boulting: | K Adenauer! France W Germany accord metaphor! |
N Farage: | Tr80r! How I wish I cud hav u shot! |
Omnes: | Back 2 teh "Illustrated LP Hovercraft", toadface! |
M Rendall: | Et em arrêt behiiiiiiiiiind jeux sans frontières Civil Krieg Espaigñardi. Eddie Waring! |
N Boulting: | Chute!!! TCC C! S Geschke & hiz hipsta beard! Chalk! |
SD Millar: | Strada Bianchi! Y not here? |
N Boulting: | 400 cars chewing up teh propriete privée & making teh champagne taste ov diesel? LOL @ SD Millar! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | Teh grapes r ripening on teh vineyards4! |
SD Millar: | U had enuff, ***. Put teh bottle down & step away! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! That helichopter going over teh bridge...4 |
Omnes: | Ur rite, Super D! No Niec C Boardman 2 keep him off teh sauce! |
N Boulting: | Lighthouse! |
ML Maire: | Bethany (9)! Found u sum kindling! |
Bethany (9): | HOW MANY TIEMS DO I HAZ 2 TELL U? |
| [...] |
T Wellens: | Rite, I'm off wif mi Patent T Wellens-stylee assault attack! [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai R Bardet o hai I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian! |
R Bardet: | I h8 this! T AG2R, pace me back 2 teh pelican & maek it snappy! |
T AG2R: | Yeth, mathter! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | T Wellens spottyjumper? |
SD Millar: | Yes. No. Maybe. |
N Boulting: | All 4 jumper-wearers cud pwn teh stage! GV Avermaet M Teunissen WV Aert &, er, Wotsisname! |
CP Sagan: | Me, u witless dullard! |
N Boulting: | I preferred it when u onli knew 1 English word, CP Sagan! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! S Cummings hav been dropped! |
S Cummings: | No I hazn't! I'm just biding mi tiem! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh Pro-Conti lusers hav been scooped into teh pelican's mitey beek! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! |
T Wellens: | Yay! MOAR spottypoints! |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe! |
C Ewan: | Onoz! I am fuxx0red! |
TP Kennaugh: | |
SD Millar: | TB Hansgrohe CP Sagan! |
T Wellens: | Yay! Spottyjumper 4 Meeeeeee!!1! |
GV Avermaet: | Meh! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Wind last climb! Wind! |
SD Millar: | T AS-TA-NA! |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan very very invisible4! |
T Wellens: | Waves 2 spectat0rz |
ML Maire: | Who's #16? |
Teh Internets: | D Oss. |
ML Maire: | Shameless mullet action! |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAAAWWWRR! Altho T Wellens pwned me 4 teh climby bonerfications I will now do teh assault attack, pwn teh stage, get MOAR tiem bonerfications and pwn teh shinyjumper 2! RAAAAWWWWR! |
M Teunissen: | Piss! |
| [...] |
J Alaphilippe: | [Shakes leg, does teh hokey-cokey.] RAAAAAWWWRR! |
TJ Visma: | Not if we can help it! |
J Alaphilippe: | Hah! Pwnage! |
F Begbie: | Ah doan care! He disnae luke anythin' liek me! |
CP Sagan: | Crazy! |
| [Later...] |
G Thomas: | Onoz! I haz lost 5 seconds 2 E Bernal! |
E Bernal: | LOL @ G Thomas! |
| [Much, much later...] |
M Teunissen: | I h8 this! |
I Saccharine: | U h8 it? How u think I feel? GC contender mi arse! |
M Rendall: | O hai J Stuyven! Best ov teh rest eh? |
J Stuyven: | I woz 3rd, dolt! |
1: Actually it was Alan Coren.
2: Ex-Soft Boys/Waves guitarist. Wrote "Walking On Sunshine". Teh git.
3: Trufax.
4: Actual dialogue.