Author Topic: heretical crisps  (Read 1599 times)

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
heretical crisps
« on: January 14, 2020, 06:22:37 pm »
So, I was, as I do, reading an article in the Guardian this morning about crisps. Crisps, of course, are better than Jesus (and you even get crisps shaped like Jesus, which is a proper miracle) but they're better than most things. After a couple of days illness, I prepared a 'ready salted' crisp sandwich last night. Oh my. I always wonder why I bother to eat anything else. Other than the fact that I'd die from malnutrition, of course.

I was pleased to note that I'm not singular in continuing my childhood passion of self-vingaring* ready salted crisps for the ultimate salt n vinegar hit. The salty, potato, vinegary slush the resides at the end of the pack is ambrosial. Scoop it out with your fingers tips, it's like a kaleidoscope of flavour for your tongue.

But after that, a slow horror set in. I knew they'd danced with all manners of new flavours, in the hope that novelty will somehow achieve something (like were people not buying crisps because no one had made 'donkey and banana' flavour yet?) but really, strawberry? Truffled cheese and a splash of sparkling wine? Raspberry bellini? What the actual fuck. Modern consumers apparently want to go on a 'food adventure.' I'd take them on a food adventure, all right.

I myself am partial to plain crisps, the proper 'ready salted' real deal. Nothing fancy. No bloody ridges or that nonsense, no oven baking, just plain potato, sliced and fried till they're – well – crisp. And don't give me any of that 'lightly salted' nonsense either – anaemic travesties of actual 'ready salted' crisps. They need salt, that's the point. If you're that worried about your health you shouldn't be eating crisps. Here, give them to me.

At a push I'll go for 'cheese and onion', and if I want to push out the boat and maybe I'm trying to impress, 'smoky bacon.' I've not had 'roast chicken' for ages and I always found 'prawn cocktail' a bit too exotic for my taste. Really, just stop showing off. 'Roast beef?' It doesn't matter the brand, they're always minging.

There are other potato snacks, but proper crisps are where it's at.

*Grandma Grammarly wants to replace this with 'self-fingering.'
!nataS pihsroW

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 07:46:35 pm »
I flirted with the idea of holy crisps once. I wanted to offer the faithful an alternative to the standard water.
I was going to call the company The Flavier Saviour Co. I didn’t get very far with the flavours though. There was: Pillars of Salt; Roast Cherub; Salt and Virgin.
L'enfer, c'est les autos.

Mrs Pingu

  • Who ate all the pies? Me
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Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2020, 07:53:03 pm »
The best crisps IMO all involve something vinegary:
Salt & vinegar
Pickled Onion (monster munch)
Roast beef and mustard (I'd be happy if they held the beef and just made mustard crisps).
At a push Lime Doritos.

All other crisp flavours are mostly bogging.
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2020, 08:05:49 pm »
No beef! Mustard fine.

I had some ham and mustard once, a bit meh. Smoky bacon is peak porcine when it comes to crisps.

On the supernatural snacks front, I'm surprised there's not been ectoplasm favour crisps.
!nataS pihsroW

Mrs Pingu

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Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2020, 08:14:10 pm »
I don't normally like meaty crisps but the Brannigans RB&M mostly taste like mustard :)

Has anyone invented wasabi crisps yet? I'd prolly like those.
Do not clench. It only makes it worse.

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2020, 08:23:59 pm »
All crisp "sell by" dates fall on a Saturday

rr

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2020, 12:55:37 am »



Has anyone invented wasabi crisps yet? I'd prolly like those.

Yes, seen in French supermarkets and occasionally Aldi

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PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2020, 04:58:32 am »
RadMac have a “crisps on the radio” slot on their weekend show where they review exotic flavoured crisps.

Works exactly how you would expect it to work

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2020, 09:56:08 am »
Isn't wasabi just well-travelled horseradish? Japan, dear, you really, really must go. They should call it unicornradish.
!nataS pihsroW

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2020, 10:15:01 am »
There is an BA(Crsp) version of crisp flavouring, building on Ian's A Level vinegaring.

That is, take your pack of plain crisps and liberally (conservatives not permitted to carry out this action) sprinkle Worcesesester Sauce over.

Awesomeness. And fun to do in a pub where you ask for  a bag of plain crisps and the Worcesesesester sauce bottle and proceed to educate the yoof behind the bar in Total Awesomeness.

T42

  • Tea tank
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2020, 10:39:23 am »
Not to mention the BA(CRISPR-Cas9) version that Greenpeace is trying to get banned.
I've dusted all those old bottles and set them up straight.

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2020, 10:51:53 am »


There is an BA(Crsp) version of crisp flavouring, building on Ian's A Level vinegaring.

That is, take your pack of plain crisps and liberally (conservatives not permitted to carry out this action) sprinkle Worcesesester Sauce over.

Awesomesauce . And fun to do in a pub where you ask for  a bag of plain crisps and the Worcesesesester sauce bottle and proceed to educate the yoof behind the bar in Total Awesomeness.
FTFY.

I don't eat crisps. I eat pork scratchings. Ideally with mustard. Take that for max porcine snackery.

TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2020, 10:57:27 am »
Yes, Worcester sauce would work well.

Worcester is one of those words that if you look it at really hard it starts to look wronger. There's a name for this phenomenon but I forget it.

Of course, the Americans struggle with Worcester even if they don't stare at it. The one in Massachusetts is sort of right, it varies between a Wooooo-ster and Wuh-ster depending on the depth of your Mass accent.

They'd probably frown if you asked for Wuh-ster sauce on your potato chips though.

I can't eat pork scratchings. It's just big hunks of pig dandruff. Ugh.
!nataS pihsroW

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2020, 10:59:06 am »
So, I was, as I do, reading an article in the Guardian this morning about crisps. Crisps, of course, are better than Jesus (and you even get crisps shaped like Jesus, which is a proper miracle) but they're better than most things. After a couple of days illness, I prepared a 'ready salted' crisp sandwich last night. Oh my. I always wonder why I bother to eat anything else. Other than the fact that I'd die from malnutrition, of course.

I was pleased to note that I'm not singular in continuing my childhood passion of self-vingaring* ready salted crisps for the ultimate salt n vinegar hit. The salty, potato, vinegary slush the resides at the end of the pack is ambrosial. Scoop it out with your fingers tips, it's like a kaleidoscope of flavour for your tongue.

But after that, a slow horror set in. I knew they'd danced with all manners of new flavours, in the hope that novelty will somehow achieve something (like were people not buying crisps because no one had made 'donkey and banana' flavour yet?) but really, strawberry? Truffled cheese and a splash of sparkling wine? Raspberry bellini? What the actual fuck. Modern consumers apparently want to go on a 'food adventure.' I'd take them on a food adventure, all right.


Ah that's where you were going wrong you see, were they just plain common or garden salt? You should have gone for sea salt, it's far superior to normal salt.
It is what it is. It's not what it's not, so it must be what it is.

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2020, 10:59:44 am »
The real heresy is Wankers Walkers putting cheese and onion in a BLUE packet and salt 'n' vinegar in a GREEN packet, when it should be, and always was, the other way around.  Now other crisp makers are copying Walkers.  This is a last-days-of-the-Roman-Empire level of depravity.
Never tell me the odds.

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2020, 11:20:04 am »

Worcester is one of those words that if you look it at really hard it starts to look wronger. There's a name for this phenomenon but I forget it.


It's one of those words easy to start spelling but difficult to stop, wasn't Pooh the first to observe this phenomenomenon? Poohetic would be appropriate, then.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2020, 11:55:29 am »
That might work. I think more properly, it's semantic satiation. The danger of thinking too much about something that you wear it out.

Oh, fancy salt, that narks me something rotten, that does. They're crisps. They don't demand fancy. You're not taking them out on a date, they're not going to invite you to stay the night They don't need impressing.
!nataS pihsroW

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2020, 01:10:12 pm »
The real heresy is Wankers Walkers putting cheese and onion in a BLUE packet and salt 'n' vinegar in a GREEN packet, when it should be, and always was, the other way around.  Now other crisp makers are copying Walkers.  This is a last-days-of-the-Roman-Empire level of depravity.

I'm not one for colour-coding, but absolutely this.  Blue is the colour of sore fingers, green is the colour of cheesy nausea.  Anything else is just wrong.

Walkers get extra merit for frying their crisps in triffid oil, which not only has an unpleasant aftertaste, but will ultimately be responsible for the downfall of humanity[1].


[1] Except on the Isle of Wight.
Careful, Kim. Your sarcasm's showing...

T42

  • Tea tank
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2020, 01:14:41 pm »
I only eat crisps if there's nothing else going, but I'm rather fond of what the Germans call Erdnussflips, short thick worms made of cornmeal with a salty peanut coating.  I once spent a weekend in a company flat in Frankfurt with nothing for Sunday breakfast but a bumper packet the last inmate had left behind, and no way of making coffee. Oh, and a hangover.
I've dusted all those old bottles and set them up straight.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2020, 01:49:12 pm »
It's a well-known fact that the fall of humanity will happen three decades late on the IoW, to allow for the time needed to catch up with the rest of humanity.

Not sure about the crisp packet colour thing, I think it might be indicative that we're just the centre of an enclosed experiment run by aliens. They change variables and watch what happens. A lot more of the modern world makes sense if you accept The Alien Experiment Contention (this is what I call it when I meet people at parties).
!nataS pihsroW

nicknack

  • Hornblower
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2020, 05:29:07 pm »
There is an BA(Crsp) version of crisp flavouring, building on Ian's A Level vinegaring.

That is, take your pack of plain crisps and liberally (conservatives not permitted to carry out this action) sprinkle Worcesesester Sauce over.

Awesomeness. And fun to do in a pub where you ask for  a bag of plain crisps and the Worcesesesester sauce bottle and proceed to educate the yoof behind the bar in Total Awesomeness.
Yes, but you have to drop a pickled egg in there first.
There's no vibrations, but wait.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2020, 05:53:03 pm »
That's an instant scotch egg. Take one picked egg, one bag of smoky bacon crisps, eat two-thirds of the crisps, crush the rest, drop your still vinegary egg in the bag with crushed crisps, shake about. Et voilà, instant scotch egg.
!nataS pihsroW

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2020, 08:20:44 pm »
I only eat crisps if there's nothing else going, but I'm rather fond of what the Germans call Erdnussflips, short thick worms made of cornmeal with a salty peanut coating.  I once spent a weekend in a company flat in Frankfurt with nothing for Sunday breakfast but a bumper packet the last inmate had left behind, and no way of making coffee. Oh, and a hangover.

You are an example of the depravity of the modern crisp eater.  I disdained the erdnus flip whilst living in germany, my sister ate them and she grew up to be an accountant :P

It's ready salted all the way, though in Germany paprika is also acceptable. But peanut butter flavoured crisps  ::-)
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2020, 08:32:18 pm »
I remember being quite partial to tomato flavour in the 90s. These days is salted or chilli for me.

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Re: heretical crisps
« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2020, 08:38:43 pm »
In Austria you can buy horseradish crisps (Kren - one of an incredibly small number of uniquely Austrian words).  They're rather nice,
Never tell me the odds.