G Imlach: | O hai & welcum 2 a proppa liev staeg ov teh Tour ov France! 2da we iz in teh Ancient Region ov Aquitaine & I, TV's G Imla… |
EO Aquitaine: | Shut it, u slag! Dis iz mi manor! I've put munny in orl ur pockits! Me an' Bef’ny (10) iz donin' teh intro 2da, rite sista? |
Bethany (10): | Sozmissisovoccitan but mi Mum teh fukn C-O-W sez we gotta go visit mi kewl unkl Jeo in teh nick 2da! Orl teh wa 2 fukn Lesta & bak I'll prolly miss teh hilites 2 & they taek ur fone off ov u b4 they lets u insied! |
EO Aquitaine: | U tried appeelin' 2 teh Hoam Offis 2 get 'im moved sumware nearer? |
Bethany (10): | No point innit! Disgraced former International Development minister Piggi Patel ent gonna taek no notiec ov teh lieks ov us paups! NE wa, Jeo sez iz OK & he's teh snout king ov 'B' Landing since Ronni “Kneekapz” McTavish slipt on teh sope & fell down teh stares wot woz nuffink but a aksident! |
EO Aquitaine: | Bah! So, yesterda no big pwnz0rz but sum lusers M Landa R Porte T Pogačar R Carapace. CO Sagan repwned teh snottyjumper but fscked up teh finish &… |
CP Sagan: | I tole u! Mi chain felled off! FUKN cycling'! |
5's Mummy: | Language, young man! |
CP Sagan: | Sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |
5's Mummy: | Ai should jolly well think so too! |
EO Aquitaine: | We… Friebe… ect. |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, A Yates! |
A Yates: | erharddayehtbhansgrohe. yehwinderstaoutovtrubbleyeh. ertaekitdabidayehcwothapns. yeh2hardstaegserti2stainshinyer. yeh. |
Omnes: | Blimey! Did he actually paws 4 breff that tiem? |
D Friebe: | Yes. Yes, he did. Still cudn't unnerstan a word ov it, mind! |
EO Aquitaine: | So 2da we r in teh Pyra-knees, wot are every1's fave mntns ov teh Tour ov France xept 4 dem arrivistes liek les Ducs de Savoie! Sa “yes” or undergo Ordeal bi Bef’ny! |
Omnes: | She's gettin' teh hang ov this priti quikli, ent she? |
EO Aquitaine: | I's a kween! That woz a fukn triki job in medieval tiems, iffen u'll pardon mi French LOLZ0RZ! |
Bethany’s Mum: | Bef’ny! Git ur skanky arse down 'ere or we'll miss teh fukn bus! |
Bethany (10): | Comin', Mum! [Aside] U fukn C-O-W! Txt me ect ect I c'n prolly read it on teh trane hoam. Unless mi Mum remembers 2 go 2 teh offi on teh wa bak 2 Lesta stashn! Then I'll havter b niec 2 teh polis agane chiz! |
EO Aquitaine: | Jus' me, then. Tiny P Kennaugh, ur predikshn 4 teh staeg! Or I'll haz ur hed chopt off! Sumtimes I <8 this job roffle! |
EC Boardman: | Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Class! |
TP Kennaugh: | 3 raecs in 1! Snottyjumper spottyjumper shinyjumper! Dpends on whose @ teh front @ teh top ov teh Peyresourde! I'm from te… |
EO Aquitaine: | I doan caer where ur from, Tiny P! |
SD Millar: | I, TV's Super D Millar, bak J Alaphilippe becoz he's a nutta or R Bardet coz he's get 0 2 loose chaeng team next yere innit! |
EO Aquitaine: | C, TP Kennaugh, that iz how ur s'posed 2 do it! |
Omnes: | Relax, grilz EO Aquitaine, he's married! |
EO Aquitaine: | We… Friebe… ect |
J Alaphilippe: | We will c! |
G Martin: | Iz a question ov mani things! I come 2 bury Seezer, not 2 fix teh tractor! In teh house ov my father r mani sardienz0rz! |
R Bardet: | We, also, will c! |
Omnes: | We will c wether there r any sooty chimneys on teh parcours 2da, u mene? |
R Bardet: | I h8 u all! |
| […] |
C Prudhomme: | OK, u gravy-smeared dirt buffaloes! Off u fck! [Waves fleg] |
NC Boardman: | Well, iz no wind… Look, see! Assorted no-hoapers, stooges & Crazy P Sagan jockeyin' 2 get in teh break! |
M Rendall: | Q Pacher… local 2 this part ov Spaign+! |
NC Boardman: | CP Sagan not in teh front froup who r not yet bein' called a break! |
M Rendall: | J Cousin N Peters M Mørkøv N Powerless C Verona B Hur F Grellier SK Andersen Q Pacher K Raz0rz B Cosnefroy T Skujins & I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian! |
NC Boardman: | 13 in wot iz now a break! |
EC Boardman: | Natch sum ov them will blo up when teh road starts 2 climb! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
C Lion: | Bridge! Bridge! Kewl old-skool suspension bridge! |
NC Boardman: | Teh pelican iz sloer than b4 C Prudhomme waevd hiz fleg! |
N Peters: | I openz mi jumper! Gets a suntan on mi pasty wite bod! |
Omnes: | Put! It! Awa! |
| […] |
NC Boardman: | Very pore weel centring in that field art! 7/10+. |
K Asgreen: | [Maeks rabit ears bhind J Alaphilippe] LOLZ0RZ! |
ML Maire: | KILL THEM! Teh peops bhind teh dripi cover ov Teh Manchester Eyebrow Monstas alredi shit “Wonderwall” on teh Renault shitvert, that iz! |
| […] |
M Rendall: | I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian! Bona fide climber! |
SD Millar: | Cud do Stuffs 2da! Spottyjumper? Proppa spottyjumper competition starts 2da! |
B Cosnefroy: | Oi! [Indicates spottyjumper] Wot u fink this iz? [Indicates masturbation] |
SD Millar: | Shut! Up! M Mørkøv mite taek snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE & then lurk 4 teh benefit ov J Alaphilippe! |
M Mørkøv: | [Waevs @ camera] Hi, Mum! I iz on teh telly! |
M Mørkøv's Mum: | Then get back in teh shelta ov teh break, u sili boi! |
M Mørkøv: | Ulp! Yes, Mum! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Soon teh break shall haz a double-digit numba ov minits' lead! |
Omnes: | Had a niec lie-in, ***? |
N Boulting: | How very dare u! I wuz up @ teh crack ov dawn studyin' teh… yes, thanks! |
SD Millar: | Daze liek these put teh ph3@r ov Dog in2 teh sprint0rz! 10 minit deficit e'en b4 teh mntns start! |
EC Boardman: | Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
SD Millar: | TD Gendt! Claims he's found teh “On” switch 4 racing beest mode! |
N Boulting: | Haz u seed him donin' a Rubik Cube? He's teh awsum @ teh Rubik Cube! |
SD Millar: | O RLY? |
N Boulting: | YA RLY! |
SD Millar: | How. Uterly. Fascinating. |
N Boulting: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! Mite M Mørkøv do a snottysprint? |
SD Millar: | N… oh! C M Mørkøv chase J Cousin 4 teh snottypoints! |
J Cousin: | \o/ Taek that, M Mørkøv, u wnkr! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Here, see! We haz TUAE Emirates' A Peiper on teh anbarick distaspeke! O hai, A Peiper! |
A Peiper: | O hai… crrrrz… yeah……… 2da! |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar bad luck bad plannin' bad company? |
P Rodgers: | Nuffink 2 do wif me! |
A Peiper: | Brrrg… TP Fairy… knk… chute… nrrrh… wind! 4 sure! |
SD Millar: | Just a sec! Teh pelican haz reached teh snottysprint Sprint SPRINTEEE! |
S Bennett: | \o/ Deux points! |
CP Sagan: | Nul points. CBA. S Bennett iz faster than me, so I shall haz 2 resort 2 Crazy. Or skulduggery? Bethany (10)? I mite need ur help… |
N Boulting: | Ur op!on ov T Pogačar's chance in teh tiem-trail on teh Ironing Board Ov Teh Priti Grilz, A Peiper? |
A Peiper: | Garrrpz… eeeeeeeeeeee… spinnnggggg [NO CARRIER] |
N Boulting: | He's ritten a bok, u kno! |
| […] |
SD Millar: | Col de Peyresourde! Iz in betwene teh big hard ones! |
Omnes: | Fnarr &, moreover, fnarr! |
N Boulting: | M Mørkøv! He dunt caer how u pronounce hiz naem as long az u doan maek 'im sound liek he's a sneeky fukn Russian! |
| [On teh Col de Menté] |
N Boulting: | S Calamityjane! Where he come from? Wowsa! |
| [Caption: Arrière du Pelican] |
Omnes: | U grate fukn melt, ***! |
N Boulting: | Piss! But soft! Look, see, pore lurgified G Nizzolo! He h8s this so much he's goin' teh rong wa! U ent aloud 2 do that! |
TP Kennaugh: | Ur not? I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
EC Boardman: | Boil 'im in oil! Poke 'im wif a spoon! Subject 'im 2… TEH KITTENS!!1! Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
G Nizzolo: | Onoz! Pity pore lurgified G Nizzolo, who iz goin' hoam! [Goes hoam] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Calamityjane shat out ov teh pelican’s fethery arse! |
S Calamityjane: | Did u call me “Sue” agane, u cnt? I will kill u, ***, 2 DETH!!1! |
B Cosnefroy: | Rite, u bennies! Watch this! |
TP Kennaugh: | 2 soon! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
B Cosnefroy: | \o/ MOAR spottypoints! |
TP Kennaugh: | Arse! Manx arse! |
N Boulting: | Chute in teh pelican! JJJJJ Rojas! |
T Ben00t: | Goin' up a col? @ 10 km/h? 3.2 tops! |
A Valverde: | I doned that once! We woz near Spaign-o! Easy bus ride hoam! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! R Bardet iz off teh bak ov teh pelican! |
TP Kennaugh: | I, I, er, fink he doned a chute! Teh ript jumper & teh blud iz a bit ov a cloo! I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
R Bardet: | I h8 this! |
Omnes: | Stick 2 chimneys, R Bardet, iz safer! |
R Bardet: | I h8 u all 2! |
N Boulting: | N Peters! He's called “Nans” afta “Nans le Berger”. Wot woz a tellyprog! About a Berger! Called “Nans”! |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | Y not visit Saint-Béat-Lez on ur holibobs next year? See ses parkings, sa galerie d'art, ses musées, ses nombreuses boutiques intéressantes et ses prostituées de rue en bas résille! |
Le Maire de SBL: | Fck! Off! ***! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! J Cousin haz goned off ov teh front ov teh break! |
J Cousin: | L'enfer; c'est les autres! |
NC Boardman: | Best barnet ov 2da's break! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh Devil! |
NC Boardman: | Imagine bein' him & fillin' in teh immigrashun form on teh plaen! Occupation: Devil (part-tiem)! |
J Castex: | Nevvah mind 'im! I'm Teh Prime Minster ov France, u kno! |
EO Aquitaine: | Well I didn't vote 4 u! |
NC Boardman: | Trajectory! Plateau! Reverse endjinneerin'! |
N Boulting: | Predicting iz teh mugz0rz gaem! |
EC Boardman: | Yes. Yes, it iz. That’s y we leave orl that Stuffs 2 Tiny P Kennaugh! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
N Boulting & EC Boardman: | [Stereo roffling] |
| [On2 teh Port de Balès] |
M Rendall: | Look, see! Teh autobus formeth & teh pelican ent reached teh foot ov teh climb yet! |
K Raz0rz: | I h8 this! Y they put me in teh break? I'm a sprint0r, not a mntn goat! Bingly-bongly or othawies! |
M Rendall: | B Hur ov TISU Nation! He dint wunt 2 come 2 teh Tour ov France when it woz in teh summa! |
B Hermans: | It's “Hermans”, u grate roasta! |
T Break: | O hai, J Cousin! Did u miss us? |
J Cousin: | No. Go awa! |
M Rendall: | 3 2 off teh front N Peters Q Pacher I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We haz on teh fone T Pidcock who haz just pwned teh Baby-Gro! Er, Giro! O hai, T Pidcock! |
T Pidcock: | O hai! Beats bein' in teh Vsquared broom cupboard wif that creepski oddball M Smith! |
N Boulting: | Just a sec'! T Pinot in trub! |
T Pinot: | I h8 this! |
N Boulting: | When we c u in teh Tour ov France? |
T Pidcock: | Grrrpf… 2 yeres… 4 sure… yeh… mntn biek cross… [NO CARRIER] |
N Boulting: | T Pinot? |
SD Millar: | Crash damage? TJ Visma set teh paec P Roglič no merci! |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
T Pinot: | It's! Not! Funny! |
EC Boardman: | Oh! Yes! It! Iz! |
N Boulting: | Also T Pinot's grate frend & confidant BT Kid W Bonnet haz gone hoam 2da! |
5: | Doan kno wot I evvah saw in u, T Pinot! |
T Pinot: | FFS! |
SD Millar: | TV's D Friebe haz speked 2 M Madiot @ teh finish about T Pinot. |
M Madiot: | T Pinot? I kno nothing ov zis but iz not over until iz over! Or somesing. |
N Boulting: | Port de Balès A Schleck chain A Clentador! Kept us in goss 4 das, that 1! |
EC Boardman: | Roffle! |
N Boulting: | S Kuss! Shat out ov teh pelican's fethery arse! |
ML Maire: | Look, see! There iz Weather in them thar hills! |
N Peters: | \o/ Spottypwn! Now c me drop I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian on teh descant! |
I Saccharine: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | WV Aert! He climbs! He sprints! He pla guitar beter than J Hendrix dance beter than M Baryshnikov scored MOAR goles than W Gretzky! Teh LD Vinci ov teh pelican! |
N Boulting: | He duz it 2 well 4 TD Windmill! |
TD Windmill: | I h8 this! |
5: | FFS! |
| [On2 teh Col de Peyresourde] |
N Boulting: | Ooh, iz where C Froome joined sum happi campers 4 teh cuppa T instead ov goin' up teh mntn! |
SD Millar: | Chute onli we don’t kno who yet! Sumwun from TA Catsick! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! N Powerless haz doned a C Froome! |
N Powless: | Hullo clouds hullo sky hullo grassy knoll! Bah! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! WV Aert haz finali xploded! |
SD Millar: | I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian haz 2 catch N Peters & put 30 seconds in2 him becoz he cannot descend 4 tooffe! |
I Saccharine: | I! C'n! C! U! |
SD Millar: | WV Aert haz xploded practic'li all TJ Visma! |
N Boulting: | Teh TA Catsick rid0r who doned teh chute woz D Rosa. He haz goned hoam. Sumwun txt Bethany (10) 2 reassure her! |
I Saccharine: | I'm! Comin'! 2! Get! U! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe assault attack! |
N Boulting: | A Valverde in trubz0rz! |
A Valverde: | Spaign-o? Which wa, plz? |
N Boulting: | J Alaphilippe in trubz0rz! Yoicks! |
SD Millar: | T Pogačar assault attack! P Roglič I Montoya N Quintana also! |
N Boulting: | A Yates R Bardet in trubz0rz also! |
SD Millar: | Now iz T Pogačar flyin' solo! M Landa R Porte chase! |
N Peters: | \o/ Spottypwn! U haz 0 chance 2 surviev, I Saccharine teh sneeky fukn Russian, maek ur tiem! U descend liek a goat+! Bongly-bongly or not! |
I Saccharine: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | T Pogačar haz a minit on teh shinyfroup! |
N Boulting: | G Martin assault attack teh shinyfroup! Onli 9 seconds bhind A Yates! Oh, they haz cort 'im. |
T Pogačar: | Ha! Nearli 1 minit over u lusers @ teh summit! |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana P Roglič assault attack over teh top! Catch M Landa & R Porte! |
SD Millar: | P Roglič onli need 3 seconds over A Yates! No bonerfications becoz remnantz0rz ov teh break r still ahed ov teh shinyboiz! |
N Peters: | \o/ Go me! Altho I haz not teh spottyjumper, mi team-maet B Cosnefroy still duz! |
T Skujins: | \o/ Go me! Mi last ried this yere az teh road-race champion ov Latvia becoz teh raec iz 2moro & I iz busy! |
C Verona: | Arse! Outsprant bi T Skujins! |
I Saccharine: | Piss! Those 2 clownz0rz cort me on teh descant! |
N Peters: | LOL @ goat-boi! |
B Hicks: | Oi! Goat-boi woz mi creation! |
EO Aquitaine: | Shuv off, Mr Stiffi! |
ITV4: | Soz, that's orl u get, ML Maire! All ur recording r blong 2 us! |
| [Some tiem later…] |
ML Maire: | So wif teh benny fit ov hindsite & disregardin' teh no-hoapers from teh original break, we haz T Pogačar off up teh road, P Roglič & I Montoya N Quintana R Porte M Landa in lukewarm pursuit & teh others R Bardet MA Lopez A Yates E Bernal G Martin Bethany’s Da… R Uran chasin', no? |
SD Millar: | Sounds about rite. |
Omnes: | We c teh spectidiots @ teh top ov teh Peyresourde r observin' all teh recommended anti-Coronalurgi precautions. Not! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! P Roglič I Montoya N Quintana ect ect cort bi teh rest ov teh shinyboiz! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! R Bardet assault attack! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! A Yates folo him! Oh, wait! G Martin ass… no. |
N Boulting: | R Bardet! Taeks a second or 2 off teh other shinyboiz! |
| […] |
EO Aquitaine: | So sum big naems loose much tiem T Pinot J Alaphilippe TD Windmill E Buchmann! But no chaeng in teh jumper-bearz0rz! Shall A Yates emerge from mi Kweendom still in teh shinyjumper? |
NC Boardman: | Perhaps. Orl teh top 10 r still in wif a shout, or @ least a squeek! |
TP Kennaugh: | Yes. No. Maybe. I’m from teh Isle ov Man! |
EO Aquitaine: | Rite! Orf wif hiz hed! Bit ov entertainment on teh rest da! |
| [Some tiem later…] |
Bethany (10): | Hi, gang! Finali bak from fukn Lesta! Worf wotchin' teh hilites? |
Omnes: | Oh yes. Yes &, moreover, indeedy! |
| |
+ | Actual dialogue |