Author Topic: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...  (Read 2767 times)

Tiger

Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« on: February 13, 2009, 05:57:58 pm »
I have been following the medical ailments of our little community with much interest over the last year.
Initially there was a regular flow of souls seeking advice or reliable diagnoses but lately muchg of the thread has been devoted to fitness related performance things. These are of course much less interesting than the unusual symptoms that have defied mdeical science with which I and my colleagues can wrestle.
I am very happy to offer the benefit of my medical experience to YACFers and hope that others can learn from the sharing of starnge symptoms and practical diagnostic and remedial advice. Remember that the nHS is staffed by poorly trained (usually abroad) doctors, mostly in the pay of large drubg companies and shoudld not therefore be trusted. Here on teh internet thoiugh you can get trustworthy free advice from peopel who really care.
Do fee free to consult on any complaints however embarrassing or intimate they may be.

Tiger

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2009, 05:59:04 pm »
Dyslexia is not an ailment.

Julian

  • samoture
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2009, 09:35:48 pm »
Dear Dr. Tiger,

This evening I managed to cut my hand, at the base of my thumb, whilst using public transport.  Should I get a tetanus shot?  Maybe even the full complement of Yellow Fever and Malaria, just in case?

You should know that my hand has not as yet turned black, dropped off, or begun to rot.  Nor are there maggots incubating, oddly coloured pus, or in fact anything other than a slightly sore scrape.  Nonetheless, your expert advice would be welcomed.

hellymedic

  • Just do it!
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2009, 09:49:32 pm »
Dear Dr. Tiger,

This evening I managed to cut my hand, at the base of my thumb, whilst using public transport.  Should I get a tetanus shot?  Maybe even the full complement of Yellow Fever and Malaria, just in case?

You should know that my hand has not as yet turned black, dropped off, or begun to rot.  Nor are there maggots incubating, oddly coloured pus, or in fact anything other than a slightly sore scrape.  Nonetheless, your expert advice would be welcomed.

Allow a few days for the development of maggots; they are good for wounds and are used by plastic surgeons to clean wounds.

You must first allow blowfly to lay their eggs in your wound...

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2009, 10:00:35 pm »
Dear Liz

Any fool know that vaccinations will WRECK YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM and are generally BAD for your health. You are a healthy girl and your body will fight any infection NATURALLY without resort to the CHEMICALS that are produced by drug companies as part of an INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY to sell us millions of pounds worth of drugs WE DO NOT NEED. I know that this is true because I PERSONALLY KNOW SOMEONE who cut their hand on a rusty fence and the wound healed itself with no intervention other than cleaning with PLAIN SOAP AND WATER.
If you should die from lockjaw or tetanus it will be because GOD IS ANGRY WITH YOU for some reason not because you didn't take the USELESS CURES offered by the INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS that are the pharmaceutical companies (they are backed by the EUROPEAN UNION too which is a sure sign that there is a CONSPIRACY) but I will still send flowers.

Yours an informed citizen.
I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that.

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2009, 10:07:47 pm »
All of the above leaves me disturbed.

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2009, 10:19:54 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger,

I have read with interest (and sympathy) the various posts by people who have suffered LURGY this year.

As I  have not suffered LURGY so far, I am feeling left out and have decided that I want to join in.

I am therefore asking your advice and wonder what particular brand of LURGY you would recommend?
Abnormal for Norfolk

Charlotte

  • Dissolute libertine
  • Here's to ol' D.H. Lawrence...
    • charlottebarnes.co.uk
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2009, 10:27:05 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger

As I get older, I find myself getting certain irresistible urges.  Urges that I don't understand and make me feel... well... a little bit dirty.

Is this normal?

Confused of Ealing

Commercial, Editorial and PR Photographer - www.charlottebarnes.co.uk

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2009, 11:02:11 pm »
Mr Tiger,

Until you pay your bills for all the 14 years you spent at the Bilbo Baggins Hobbiton School of Medicine you are not able to call yourself Dr.

Actually that isn't true. You can call yourself what you like. You just cannot get other people to call you that.

So,
If you don't like your democracy, vote against it.

simonp

  • Omnomnomnipotent.
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2009, 02:22:00 am »
OK Dr Tiger,

My knee sometimes hurts during sex.  Tell me what to do.

PaulF

  • "World's Scariest Barman"
  • It's only impossible if you stop to think about it
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2009, 09:49:18 am »
OK Dr Tiger,

My knee sometimes hurts during sex.  Tell me what to do.


Your goat is too short, either get a taller  goat or put your existing goat on a box


Zoidburg

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2009, 02:17:10 pm »
OK Dr Tiger,

My knee sometimes hurts during sex.  Tell me what to do.

Have you tried wearing the strap-on dildo on the other leg?

Pingu

  • Put away those fiery biscuits!
  • Mrs Pingu's domestique
    • the Igloo
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2009, 02:21:31 pm »
Dear Liz

Any fool know that vaccinations will WRECK YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM and are generally BAD for your health. You are a healthy girl and your body will fight any infection NATURALLY without resort to the CHEMICALS that are produced by drug companies as part of an INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY to sell us millions of pounds worth of drugs WE DO NOT NEED. I know that this is true because I PERSONALLY KNOW SOMEONE who cut their hand on a rusty fence and the wound healed itself with no intervention other than cleaning with PLAIN SOAP AND WATER.
If you should die from lockjaw or tetanus it will be because GOD IS ANGRY WITH YOU for some reason not because you didn't take the USELESS CURES offered by the INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS that are the pharmaceutical companies (they are backed by the EUROPEAN UNION too which is a sure sign that there is a CONSPIRACY) but I will still send flowers.

Yours an informed citizen.


Somehow you missed out Gordon Brown, Nu Labour, Political Correctness & The Nanny State  ???

Tiger

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #13 on: February 14, 2009, 04:54:21 pm »
Liz - PCColbeck offers sound advice although you may indeedfind yourself with lockjaw should you follow it. Deliberately inviing blowflies tolay eggsin the wound os also excellent advice. It worked in the trenches so should work for you.
Another excellent and entirely naural treatmentisdog saliva.
You wll havenoticed how dogs instinctively lick wounds - that is because teir saliva is anexcellent anti-bacterial and antiviral treatment.
Just np downto the nearest park and offer your wound or gash to the dogs. They will give it a good seeiing to.

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2009, 04:56:02 pm »

Tiger

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #15 on: February 14, 2009, 05:01:58 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger

As I get older, I find myself getting certain irresistible urges.  Urges that I don't understand and make me feel... well... a little bit dirty.

Is this normal?

Confused of Ealing

Most would agree that there is little normal about your particular urges. Coincidentally ehsolutoin to your own urges can also be found in your local park in a similarway. I am prescribing you both a walk to Ealing common to present your respective gashes for licking.
Please file your experiences in Ride Reports in due course for teh benefit of the forum.



Tiger

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2009, 08:26:51 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger,

I have read with interest (and sympathy) the various posts by people who have suffered LURGY this year.

As I  have not suffered LURGY so far, I am feeling left out and have decided that I want to join in.

I am therefore asking your advice and wonder what particular brand of LURGY you would recommend?

The desire to join in LURGY is a classic complaint. It is caused by feelings of being left out and potentially can leave sufferers withs deep seated issues of loneliness.
Fortunately the remedy is simple. Get yourself down onto public transport or into any crowded public space - perhaps a bar, club, or disco - or even the moshpit at a festival. get close to someone who is obviously ill - you can usually see this from open sores or dribbling nose etc. Move in and gently rub yourself aaginst them in a germ-catchingmanner. Initialy there may be some rejection but if you persevere - perhaps using more drunk or otherwise incapacitated subjetcs - you will be able to get in for a quick snog. This will guarantee that you are fully up to date with current lurgy.

Tiger

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2009, 08:40:11 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger

As I get older, I find myself getting certain irresistible urges.  Urges that I don't understand and make me feel... well... a little bit dirty.

Is this normal?

Confused of Ealing


This is indeed a most interesting case. It may be that initial diagnosis was hasty and simply being licked by dogs may not be the best remedy - although doubtless you can tell us by now. Did it work for you?
 Perhaps e need to hear more about these strange urges that make you feel so ....'dirty' as you put it. Rest assured there is nothing you feel that is going to shock the professionals - we have seen it all before. And for the sake of others who may be worried about their own unnatural beastly vile and disgusting urges - you should share the details.

hellymedic

  • Just do it!
Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #18 on: February 14, 2009, 08:43:40 pm »
Tiger's advice never worked for me.
I used the buses and trains, went to loads of meetings and regularly snogged my LURGYed partner.
I sneezed twice per day but never had LURGY myself.
Partner had two BIG doses of LURGY totalling six weeks.

annie

Re: Online medical advice. Doctor Tiger says...
« Reply #19 on: February 14, 2009, 11:22:46 pm »
Dear Dr Tiger,

I have read with interest (and sympathy) the various posts by people who have suffered LURGY this year.

As I  have not suffered LURGY so far, I am feeling left out and have decided that I want to join in.

I am therefore asking your advice and wonder what particular brand of LURGY you would recommend?

I know where you can find some Giardiasis.  All you could ask for in the explosive diarrhoea department, noxious fumes, vomiting, violent stomach cramps and sudden loss of all friends and family for fear of catching said bugglies.

 ::-)