Mrs Miles solves all your problems

[iakobski]

Dear Mrs Miles

I understand that a number of cyclists from this forum intend to cycle from London to Edinburgh and back again, for fun. I live in Edinburgh and I am considering offering my flat as a rest and food stop to any who might want it. Is there anything I should be wary of, and how many cakes should I prepare?

Kirst,

It's very well known that anyone who cycles over 5 miles in one go is completely mad, are you sure you're going to be safe if you invite such people into your living room?

Furthermore, I can assure you it's not actually humanly possible to cycle from London to Edinburgh - you surely must have misunderstood what these cyclists are intending to do.

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles

Some audax riders advocate getting fixed. Surely this is a bit drastic 

Oh no dear, this is perfectly acceptable and for some, this is an essential part of taking part in taking part of an event.

Some just experiment with drink, some with powders and 10 speed combos. Then a friend brags how he shaved 2.5 minutes off the 20 by being fixed and your interest is aroused. So you think to yourself “why not? I can stop at any time and with the right gear, I could be faster, stronger, even more attractive to the opposite sex. Well there are limits and perhaps aiming for two out of three ain’t bad but picture this: the open road, miles of unbroken road kill and only the sound of your own knees knocking genly against your chesticles as you whiz down into Rhayader at 80kph, amn and machine in perfect harmony. You’re in the zone and it is bliss.

It certainly worked for me on the Mersey Roads in ‘95.

Yours  in urology,

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles

Where can I purchase an official audax-issue Beard and Stare combo and how much will it cost?

regards

M. Pumpe.

What a happy day for both of us. M. Pumpe, you are in luck my dear as this year, we have had the seal of approval from the grand council of elders for a new and exciting partnership between AUK and Merkin World. There, in the strikingly vibrant yellow and purple ‘splatter effect’ AUK colours fit for a King, Queen or Billy Connolly.

If this tickles your fancy (or perhaps the fancy of someone you are intimate with) perhaps you may also be interested in applying as the new AUK model for such a facial adornment?

I understand there is a matching muff in pastel colours which from recollection I know suit will you down to a tee.

Yours, a vision wrapped in polyester and Bri-Nylon.

Mrs Miles

[Hot Flatus]

Ok, ok, very nice, but a plain merkin would do. The Auk purple and yellow logo will take care of itself after a bad flapjack at 3am in a community centre somewhere/nowhere.

NOW WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODY STARE!!!

[Mrs Miles]

Ok, ok, very nice, but a plain merkin would do. The Auk purple and yellow logo will take care of itself after a bad flapjack at 3am in a community centre somewhere/nowhere.

NOW WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODY STARE!!!

Goodness me!

What a sense of urgency and what a forceful manner you have.

Do you have a brother or sister perhaps? Possibly not.

I suggest your route to the BLOODY STARE starts at the NAUGHTY STEP. Something Madam Pumpe should not have spared you as a child.

Yours on the path of correction and proper manners.

Mrs Miles

[Hot Flatus]

...but...but...but.. I just want to be like them!  At the moment I feel like a bloody imposter. Dammit, I'm even prepared to forgo washing prior to an event, and probably afterwards too.

[annie]

Ok, ok, very nice, but a plain merkin would do. The Auk purple and yellow logo will take care of itself after a bad flapjack at 3am in a community centre somewhere/nowhere.

NOW WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODY STARE!!!

Goodness me!

What a sense of urgency and what a forceful manner you have.

Do you have a brother or sister perhaps? Possibly not.

I suggest your route to the BLOODY STARE starts at the NAUGHTY STEP. Something Madam Pumpe should not have spared you as a child.

Yours on the path of correction and proper manners.

Mrs Miles

I think he has spent more than his fair share of time on the 'naughty step' and probably sees it as less of a punishment and more for pleasure.
 

[NHRC Chris]

Mrs Miles

A female companion of mine went into a cafe control recently and asked the waiter for a double entendre so he gave her one.

Is this type of establishment suitable for audaxing?

Thnaks in anticipation.

[sandinista]

Dear Mrs Miles, I hope you can help me with a rather delicate problem. On longer rides I find I am having to constantly adjust my, ermm, tackle, for want of a better word. On numerous accasions this has led me to go "off course" as I can't concentrate on my route sheet. Can you recommend any suitable undergarments or support devices to alleviate this problem.

Yours in anticipation 

A.S. Crotum

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles

On a recent ride I was trailing behind and sought the wheel of a more experienced rider. After following him for a while as we approached a particularly steep hill he suggested we go off route as he would take me up the back way in the woods. He ceratinly knew how to reach new areas.
Is this allowed in Audax?

It's a tricky subject this one, my dear.  On one hand, as an inexperienced rider, you feel you want to be following the rules and doing what's right.  On the other hand, you want to be seen as "in with the gang" and you want to learn new tricks from the big boys.

As long as you're stopping to get your card stamped at every control and you're passing by all the info controls as well, subject to the law of the land, you're free to do whatever you like on an audax.  Whilst I find what you people describe as "rough stuff", a little distasteful, I'd be the last person to actually condemn you for it, dear.

Just don't you be going bragging about it at the AUK annual dinner, my lovely.  Or that Tuggo chap might try and take you behind the gazebo after dark.

Yours between consenting adults

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles,

When packing for an audax, I cannot choose between the starched white linen napkins, or the dark unstarched cotton. Which is better in the vicinity of my lips: a small stiff one, or a large purple floppy one?

Yours with the greatest of respect,

K Pike (Mrs)

I always pop a pack of the disposable paper ones in my saddlebag, dear.  You never know when you're going to need to wipe your back bottom either.

Yours hygienically

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles ,although you hanvt been posting for long on this forum I feel I already know you very well,and frankly I think I am in love with you ,will you consider leaving Mr Miles so we can spend the hours riding together.I have always wanted a relationship with an older more mature lady like yourself ,I could even call you mum.


Love

Eodipus

Oh dear.  Has the injunction expired again already?  It comes around so quickly, doesn't it dear?

Yours legally

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I often hear the term "overtraining" and I worry that a dear friend of mine may be overtrained: he's already completed a 200km, has a 300k in his sights, has been riding to and from events, is doing L-E-L, and has completed weekly night-rides over the unforgiving Hampshire downlands throughout the winter. As, I can only guess, a result of these extreme exertions his behaviour has become increasingly erratic and he seems to have developed a split personality.

Can you help? What would you recommend to get him back on track?

This "friend" of yours, dear - perhaps we could call him Mr Basket?

Well, Mr Basket is going to have to be very careful, because over-training is a classic mistake and if he's not careful, he's going to end up coming undone at the seams. 

I recommend that on the subject of training, Mr Basket listens to the sage advice of a more mature, experienced rider.  You can usually spot chaps like this in your social circle as they tend to ride more traditionally constructed bicycles by manufacturers like Mercian, for instance.  Often, they sport training jerseys bearing the logo of famous brewing companies.  They're the signs you need to look for dear.

I suggest you find a chap like this and invite him for a drink at your local post-ride hostelry.  Buy him a pint.  In fact, buy him several.  Then ask his advice - I'm sure he'll be happy to share his secrets with you!

I mean, with Mr Basket.

Yours in slight confusion

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles, I hope you can help me with a rather delicate problem. On longer rides I find I am having to constantly adjust my, ermm, tackle, for want of a better word. On numerous accasions this has led me to go "off course" as I can't concentrate on my route sheet. Can you recommend any suitable undergarments or support devices to alleviate this problem.

Yours in anticipation 

A.S. Crotum

Dear Mr Crotum

Unfortunately, gentlemen cyclists have long held the opinion that the wearing of any undergarments whatsoever whilst cycling is counterproductive and likely only to add to your levels of discomfiture.

Nevertheless, I have heard it said that there are few problems to be found on the road that can't be temporarily fixed with the judicious use of cable ties, gaffa tape and Araldite.

I hope this helps, dear.

Yours inventively

Mrs Miles

[Wowbagger]

Dear Mrs. Miles,

I feel a trifle embarrassed to ask about this, but I have a problem with flatulence on long rides. After about the 40-mile mark, I feel that familiar distending of the lower abdomen and really try to let fly, but nothing happens. After 60 miles, although I'm ballooning up well, still I have trouble releasing the gases. I'll get to a control and still nothing, at least, not until I'm ensconced in the privacy of the little boys' room.

Yet when I ride with more seasoned, "hard", men and women, they seem to have little problem with their eructations, proudly proclaiming their releases to the World. I feel quite inadequate in their company.

Is it that I am anally retentive, or are they just natural gamblers, unworried by the possibility of a little brown passenger in their Enduras?

Yours in distension,

Horatio T. Wowbagger.

[Jaded]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I am in a quandary. What should I do about cables on a long ride?

Yours in anticipation,

Jaded.

[Swarm_Catcher]

I've ridden all the classics in my time, PBP, LEL, BMB, CNC, NFN, DVD, you name it and I've probably been there and back again.

Even DVD! That is very impressive.  And you've managed to avoid STI all this time?

[Mrs Miles]

I've ridden all the classics in my time, PBP, LEL, BMB, CNC, NFN, DVD, you name it and I've probably been there and back again.

Even DVD! That is very impressive.  And you've managed to avoid STI all this time?

Apart from a rather unfortunate incident following a little ride down to Brindisi, yes dear.

Yours pharmacologically

Mrs Miles

[Oscar's dad]

Mrs Miles

I have done just one audax in 2007 when my wife and I swung our legs over Tina the Tandem and did the Golden Tints 100k.

What a day it was, the sun was out and my wife only moaned a bit.  We were also treated to the sight of the Wowbaggers honking in tandem on their beautiful Thorn tandem.  As novices we were made to feel most welcome and it was an enjoyable experience.

It was also interesting, we observed that some of the clichés were true.  People drank orange squash and ate beans on toast.  There were beards and sandals, not to mention mud flaps made from old Fairy Liquid bottles.

Do you think the image of Audax could do with being sexed up or are things just fine the way they are?

Much obliged

Oscar, Claud and Tina's Dad 

[hellymedic]

Mrs Miles,
Your use of three letter acronyms (TLAs) confuses me.
I understand that STI stands for Shimano Total Integration; is this correct?

Embarrassed of Edgware

[andygates]

I once contracted a nasty case of shifters.

[Ian H]

I once contracted a nasty case of shifters.

Was that your bar-end or your downtube?

[hellymedic]

I once contracted a nasty case of shifters.

Was that your bar-end or your downtube?

Maybe it was on his stem...

[Swarm_Catcher]

Your use of three letter acronyms (TLAs) confuses me.

I thought it was the non-palindromic-ness of STI that was the issue.  Cycling is such a symmetric activity: two wheels, two breaks, two lights, two cranks, two pedals, .... and then you have tandems. Even on trikes, its all symmetrical.  DVD, LEL, PBP ... Lovely - I'm hearing Kraftwerk.  That is why Audax doesn't do 500s, but 100, 200, 400, 600, 1400.

The 300s, ... why - is it an STI?

[Tewdric]

Dear Mrs Miles

I'm having a bit of  a problem in the rubber department myself.  I find that, after a very long ride, things get a little soft and squidgy where before they were hard.  Could it be my use of those latex tubey things do you think?  Can you give me any tips on pumping effectively in the face of these troubles?

Many thanks