Mrs Miles solves all your problems

[toekneep]

I expect Mark Smiles will be along in a minute to explain everything.

[rogerzilla]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I have never done an audax because I've heard the AUK fraternity is actually an offshoot of the Freemasons.  Are you able to assure me that audaxers have nothing to do with the Priory Of Sion, the Knights Templar, holding back the electric car or making Steve Guttenberg a star?  If it is all a scurrilous rumour, I still don't like those map traps they have on their handlebars.  How do I know they're not riding along reading extreme pornography instead of maps?  And they seem to stare right through me.

Concerned, Swindon.

[pompey phill]

Dear Mrs Miles,
is it wrong for me to feel strangely aroused by the very pleasant looking young lady on your avatar !!!!
I can only dream that it is indeed yourself at a more tender age ??

Phill the foot fetish 

[HTFB]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I have tried your suggestion of waxed duck for holding my waterproofs. I am not sure this can be right: it still doesn't want to hold them, and it was showing signs of aggression when I tried to apply more wax. The quacking is starting to upset the neighbours. What am I doing wrong?

Captain Drake RN (retd), Plymouth.

[Blade]

Dear Mrs. Miles

Should I confess to my wife that I once slept with another man ?......in a bus shelter.

[Mrs Miles]

You'll have to bear with me my dears as a system failure means I have had to resort to the typewriter to respond to some of your problems.

Dear Mrs Miles,

When riding I am often plagued by wind, occasionally to the extent that it is quite hard to pedal. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with strong wind?

Ah, every cyclists curse. What you need to understand dear, is that you are not alone and that at some time, this is an affliction that all cyclists have to deal with. No doubt you will have found temporary respite by getting up on the pedals, only to find things worsen when you return to the confines and pains of the saddle.

Sadly, for the lone cyclist there are only two options: grin and bear it, hoping for it to pass or give up, seeking relief behind a hedgerow with only a dead badger to share your shame or perhaps at the back of some soulless 24x7 Mace mini mart, at risk from lawless hoodies and country simpletons.

But for the Audax rider or club cyclist there is a third way. What I have done, as have many before me, is find a fellow sufferer, ask if you can come in close behind them and bask in the dead air of their wake. Then, at a mutually agreeable moment, you can return the favour and then, with their eyes streaming, let them savour the moment. This can continue for many miles until you can both enjoy the luxury of the snug in some quaint tea room or motorway service station.

Let the wind that follows you be fair and at all times be agreeable.

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles

I'd rather spend my cash on hard drink so instead of wasting money on expensive tools can you suggest an alternative to the Stein Hypercracker, possibly made from wood?

Thx!

Oh my dear, the hardest thing that has passed my lips in some years is a stiff cup of my dear husband’s English Country Leaf tea. Ever since I took the pledge, there has been no room for the demon drink in my life although every morning I still enjoy a small glass of Buckfast Tonic Wine from those pious Devonian monks as introduced to me by my old friend and confidante, McNasty.

In a similar vein, I have no use for cassette tools as I favour the simplicity of a fixed wheel and have done for years. Gears are so cumbersome and make one a lazy, slovenly, beer swilling, slack jawed cyclist, don’t you think? In fact, I would save your money, take off your rear derailleur, shorten your chain, fix your gear and put some lead in your pencil, young man.

Yours in perpetual pedalling motion.

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles

What is audax?  I have heard of anthrax, is audax similar?

Well crumble my old flapjacks. What an odd question to ask my dear! Still, whilst I gaze across the rolling down lands of Shropshire, watching the carefree newly born lambs gambol in the mossy fields, I believe I have an answer of sorts.

The truth is that in many ways, Audax is very much like Anthrax. Both are highly infectious, are passed from person to person, survive in hostile environments, are present across all continents (with the exception of Antarctica) and can be associated with skin lesions.

But that is where the similarities end. For example, as far as I am aware, no one has managed to enter an Audax event in advance or on the line by eating a member of AUK or an organiser. Unless you have entered an event based on a route designed by Mr Peter Loakes, neither can be one be in fear of suffering a painful and prolonged death just by opening the SAE with your route sheet enclosed. Also (and it is tempting to believe this is not the case) herbivores are no less likely to be AUK members than carnivores.

So whilst I cannot advocate having a crack at Anthrax, I do urge you to enter an Audax and find out for yourself.

Yours in rude health.

Mrs Miles.

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles.

Firstly, God bless you ma'am.

Secondly, I think I may have piles. What are they and will they impair my riding enjoyment?

Thanks in advance.

H

Now my dear, I am going to have to be stern with you on this matter and I want to listen very carefully and do exactly what I tell you.

Stop sending me pictures of your anus or I will have a restraining order slapped on you.

As far as I can see, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and I think you are just seeking attention. Certainly inserting the stalk of a half eaten bunch of grapes up there smothered in zinc and castor oil will not fool me, especially as one of them still had the Morrisons sticker on.

Yes, by all means keep applying the ointment for your own amusement but please keep this to yourself.

I trust I have made myself clear, dear.

Mrs Miles

[Wowbagger]

Dear Mrs. Miles,

I have recently been suffering from a bad back and it seems to be affecting my cycling.

My good friend Annie told me that it was very stiff and that I was having trouble getting my leg over.

Can you suggest anything which may help me in my predicament?

Yours etc.

Horatio Wowbagger.

[Clare]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I am confused by a matter of etiquette; when feasting on leftovers should one pass to the left or to the right?

Further to this is it ever acceptable to omit the licking of the plate before passing it on.

Yours ever,

Mr T Grinder.

[pompey phill]

Mrs Miles please help me.

how can I stop young Herberts from fingering my saddlebags,  sometimes the finger will even enter them.  it's very disconcerting, and makes me feel ill at ease.

[fred the great]

Mrs Miles seems to have her facts wrong.

During the days of rationing, tea bags hadn't been invented, there was no Audax to my knowledge and no cyclist wore a helmet.

Time trials were accepted but road racing was illegal until I started racing.

531 steel frames and Brooks saddles were quite normal for serious cyclists.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Dear Mrs Miles

I understand that a number of cyclists from this forum intend to cycle from London to Edinburgh and back again, for fun. I live in Edinburgh and I am considering offering my flat as a rest and food stop to any who might want it. Is there anything I should be wary of, and how many cakes should I prepare?

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs. Miles,

I have recently been suffering from a bad back and it seems to be affecting my cycling.

My good friend Annie told me that it was very stiff and that I was having trouble getting my leg over.

Can you suggest anything which may help me in my predicament?

Yours etc.

Horatio Wowbagger.

Hello Dear

We've met before, haven't we?  Just off the B1053 near Braintree, wasn't it?  Your young ladyfriend was taking a photo of you doing something I hesitate from describing in what I gather is a family-oriented forum.

If you're going to make a habit of exposing yourself to the elements on such a cold day, I'm not surprised that you're suffering from a touch of backache.  In fact, I think you've probably got away jolly lightly from the horror of chilblains and possibly even frostbite.  Although from what mercifully little I saw before I turned the other cheek (so to speak), you looked well enough insulated to me.

I suggest that if you want to regain your full range of mobility again, you confine your naturism to mass-participation events in the summer season only.

Yours modestly

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I am confused by a matter of etiquette; when feasting on leftovers should one pass to the left or to the right?

Further to this is it ever acceptable to omit the licking of the plate before passing it on.

Yours ever,

Mr T Grinder.

Dear Mr Grinder

Although I suspect that in this matter I may be teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, I have always been of the opinion that when taking a meal break during days awheel, the only direction that plates of food should be passed is in my direction.

Yours with the greatest regard for politeness

Mrs Miles

[Mrs Miles]

Mrs Miles please help me.

how can I stop young Herberts from fingering my saddlebags,  sometimes the finger will even enter them.  it's very disconcerting, and makes me feel ill at ease.

Oh my dear, what a terrible predicament!

Is young Herberts someone you know well or have you only recently met?  I ask this because sometimes it's easier to let one's inhibitions go with a comparative stranger.  When you've known someone for a little while, you may have formed preconceptions about how you should relate to each other and when something like this happens, it's bound to make you feel uneasy.

I suggest that you conspire to have some tea with young Herberts and explain to him that a chap's saddlebags are very particular to him and that if any fingering is to take place, it has to be under conditions of explicit consent and privacy.

I'm sure that if you're open and honest with him, you'll both be able to grow and share and learn together about what makes a successful friendship.  Who knows - maybe one day you'll welcome his finger probing your cotton duck!

Yours open-mindedly

Mrs Miles

[Riggers]

Dear Mrs. Miles,

I shall be endeavoring to tackle the Action Medical Research Castle 100 Ride again in May which, hopefully, will be a joy once more, as the other previous rides were.

But here lies my predicament. My wife wishes to join me at the start this time round, because she has heard the views from the castle are tremendous first thing in the morning, and wants to be taken up the south tower. I, on the other hand, don't really want to be wasting precious energy unnecessarily.

Can you help?

[Jaded]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I love the thrill of the chase in Audax, for that is what I am usually doing, chasing the clock. Once I am out on my bike I find that the fresh air in my hair, the sounds of the animals and leaves and the smell of the countryside all I can think about is the call of nature. I am distracted so much by this that I frequently lose the Control and have to pack it all in.

Can you help?

Yours,
Called by Nature.

[Charlotte]

Dear Mrs Miles

Although I try to maintain a thrifty approach to always patching my punctured inner tubes, over the years I have built up a large box of irreparable ones which I'm loathe to throw away.  I've been able to use the occasional piece of tubing for making light brackets fit and so forth, but I'm wondering if you have any suggestions for what I do with all this surplus rubber?

Thanking you in anticipation

Charlotte

[Tiger]

Dear Mrs Miles

On a recent ride I was trailing behind and sought the wheel of a more experienced rider. After following him for a while as we approached a particularly steep hill he suggested we go off route as he would take me up the back way in the woods. He ceratinly knew how to reach new areas.
Is this allowed in Audax?

[Oscar's dad]

Dear Mrs. Miles,

I shall be endeavoring to tackle the Action Medical Research Castle 100 Ride again in May which, hopefully, will be a joy once more, as the other previous rides were.

But here lies my predicament. My wife wishes to join me at the start this time round, because she has heard the views from the castle are tremendous first thing in the morning, and wants to be taken up the south tower. I, on the other hand, don't really want to be wasting precious energy unnecessarily.

Can you help?

Riggers, I am sure Mrs Miles will have sage advice for you but I thought my own experiences might be of use.

In 2006 my wife decided to accompany me on said 100 mile ride.  A brave if foolish endeavour when one bears in mind that she had previously not done more than 25 miles in a day.  Amazingly, she managed the whole ride but was utterly shagged at the end of it without me having to take her up any towers at all!  In fact, if I had I doubt she was have noticed, never have I seen someone so done in!

[Kathy]

Dear Mrs Miles,

When packing for an audax, I cannot choose between the starched white linen napkins, or the dark unstarched cotton. Which is better in the vicinity of my lips: a small stiff one, or a large purple floppy one?

Yours with the greatest of respect,

K Pike (Mrs)

[onb]

Dear Mrs Miles ,although you hanvt been posting for long on this forum I feel I already know you very well,and frankly I think I am in love with you ,will you consider leaving Mr Miles so we can spend the hours riding together.I have always wanted a relationship with an older more mature lady like yourself ,I could even call you mum.


Love

Eodipus

[scampi]

Dear Mrs Miles,

I often hear the term "overtraining" and I worry that a dear friend of mine may be overtrained: he's already completed a 200km, has a 300k in his sights, has been riding to and from events, is doing L-E-L, and has completed weekly night-rides over the unforgiving Hampshire downlands throughout the winter. As, I can only guess, a result of these extreme exertions his behaviour has become increasingly erratic and he seems to have developed a split personality.

Can you help? What would you recommend to get him back on track?