Author Topic: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists  (Read 163834 times)

Charlotte

  • Dissolute libertine
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Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2008, 09:32:44 am »
And if a car pulls alongside you when you are riding, I've read in another place of an excellent jape. Lob one of those 130db rape alarms (one that emits a foul smell too) through the passenger window.

Edit: Best to check it's not a police car or your mate or the vicar before launching said attack.

You're a bad man, Chris  :D
Commercial, Editorial and PR Photographer - www.charlottebarnes.co.uk

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #26 on: April 21, 2008, 09:36:10 am »
Riding at the back of a group once, a car down came around the corner up ahead rather aggressively. The yob in charge was on the phone.

"Get off the phone" shouts our leadout man, helpfully.

"F*CK OFF YOU C*NTS" comes a loud voice from the car as it passes me at the back.

"He says 'Thank You'" I call out.

Much giggling ensues.

border-rider

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #27 on: April 21, 2008, 09:36:45 am »
Going over Watership Down in a group a while back, we passed a pile of rust which might once have been a Vauxhall Nova complete with pimply youth, can of coke if one hand, MacRatburger in the other who yelled out 'Get A Life'

The group as one dissolved into laughter  :)

Weird.  Exactly the same thing happened to us in exactly the same place. You weren't out with Newbury RC in the winter a couple of years ago where you ?

:)

Jacomus

  • My favourite gender neutral pronoun is comrade
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #28 on: April 21, 2008, 10:39:18 am »
If I stay in th U.K any longer the I shall be riding with an extendable police baton and mace spray as standard equipment...

Sadly, I have to leave mine at home.  Carrying either of those items is illegal. 

Fortunately, a Zefal HPX in one hand anna blindingly bright tactical flashlight in the other is a very close approximation...

:demon:

And if a car pulls alongside you when you are riding, I've read in another place of an excellent jape. Lob one of those 130db rape alarms (one that emits a foul smell too) through the passenger window.

Edit: Best to check it's not a police car or your mate or the vicar before launching said attack.

I have copyright on that move. There were people handing out rape alarms for free as I left the office, so I took one and shoved it in my jersey pocket. Then when some utterly moronic woman overtook me and swerved in at the anti-turrist barries outside parliament, once I had screeched to a stop, as had she in the inevitable traffic jam. I attempted to reason with her, but only recieved abuse, so popped the tab on the alarm and chucked it into the footwell behind her seat.

Take that!
"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity." Amelia Earhart

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
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Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #29 on: April 21, 2008, 10:40:18 am »
I have copyright on that move. There were people handing out rape alarms for free as I left the office, so I took one and shoved it in my jersey pocket. Then when some utterly moronic woman overtook me and swerved in at the anti-turrist barries outside parliament, once I had screeched to a stop, as had she in the inevitable traffic jam. I attempted to reason with her, but only recieved abuse, so popped the tab on the alarm and chucked it into the footwell behind her seat.

Take that!

Sir, you are a genius!  We need a "not worthy" smiley...
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Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #30 on: April 21, 2008, 11:17:54 am »
I like to give as good as I get. A couple of years ago riding through a busy area on the way to work, some spotty chav informed me that I should work harder to be able to afford a car. The lights were red, so I had plenty of time to "chat" with it. I informed it that if he were to try and sell his ancient Mk 1 Chavalier, he'd be very lucky to get 200 quid for it. And if I were to sell the bicycle I was on I'd be disappointed to get less than 2 grand. The lights went green, he didn't move because the traffic was so heavy - I just rode round all the cars flicking him the bird.

Another time on tour:

Bloke in cage: "Why don't you get off the FUCKING ROAD!!?"

Us: Bikes down, chests out "COME ON THEN YOU FUCKING CAAAAAAAAAHNT"

Bloke in cage: Head down, into first, sheepishly drives off...
Those wonderful norks are never far from my thoughts, oh yeah!

Eccentrica Gallumbits

  • Rock 'n' roll and brew, rock 'n' roll and brew...
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #31 on: April 21, 2008, 11:20:24 am »
Ned in west Edinburgh: Give us a go on your bike love
Me: It's too big for you and it doesn't have stabilisers
Ned: *stunned silence*
My feminist marxist dialectic brings all the boys to the yard.


Charlotte

  • Dissolute libertine
  • Coffee snob and pencil fetishist
    • charlottebarnes.co.uk
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #32 on: April 21, 2008, 11:35:02 am »
'Nuff respek' Kirst  :D
Commercial, Editorial and PR Photographer - www.charlottebarnes.co.uk

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #33 on: April 21, 2008, 11:54:41 am »
Unfortunately my brain is far too slow in such situations, and my middle finger normally beats it to a response.
Never tell me the odds.

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #34 on: April 21, 2008, 11:59:54 am »
Ned in west Edinburgh: Give us a go on your bike love
Me: It's too big for you and it doesn't have stabilisers
Ned: *stunned silence*

POTD!
<i>Marmite slave</i>

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #35 on: April 21, 2008, 12:19:59 pm »
Rehearse the following:

"Sir, your blatant verbal aggression does little to compensate for your miniscule and altogether inadequate cock."

When you get the verbal abuse, slow down and deliver in your best RP. Then cycle off. You generally have window of about a minute to get away before they realise they've been insulted, but be ready with the hyperdrive, some chavs have an atavistic response - they figure they've been insulted even if they have no idea how.

I did this yesterday to a bunch of four at the bottom of Holloway Rd. Usual fine specimens clutching their Stella security blankets. The best they could come up was shouting 'arghhhhh' at me, as though they'd just suffered rapid lower bowel depressurization.
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Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #36 on: April 21, 2008, 12:25:54 pm »
Oxford, 2.30am, nearing the end of The Dean 300.

Him: "Your1 going to get raped up the a***."

*much sniggering amongst group*

Me: "Is that an offer sailor? You're not my type though, I'd stick with your current boyfriend if I were you, he looks much nicer."

*group falls about laughing and taking the piss out of him and the bloke standing next to him*

It's all about redirection...

1. You just know they'd spell it like this if they wrote it down.
"Yes please" said Squirrel "biscuits are our favourite things."

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #37 on: April 21, 2008, 08:22:35 pm »
I (or should that be we?) was heckled by a granny at a bus stop.
"Oooh, look, it's the Goodies."
We were on the triplet at the time.
I had to ask who the Goodies were. I was in bed when they were on the telly, as I was only a few years old then.
I had a boy of about 10 moon at me. I told him that his arse was spotty, which made his friends laugh. He told me that his arse was better than mine.
I must add, that I have never shown my arse to a boy before. (Your honour)

Wascally Weasel

  • Slayer of Dragons and killer of threads.
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #38 on: April 22, 2008, 10:41:01 am »
The oddest one I've ever heard was uttered by a Greater Spotted Youth of the Herefordian variety.  For anyone who knows Hereford, I was riding west on the Belmont Road with Ms Weasel last summer when said youth offered the bemusing phrase "You may think you're saving the planet but you've still got a hole in your ass".

I'm still confused by that.

I'm better at reacting to simple insults like "Wanker!" 

I shout "Frequently" in  response.

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #39 on: April 22, 2008, 11:38:37 am »
Unfortunately my brain is far too slow in such situations, and my middle finger normally beats it to a response.

I'm similar. The yoof that pretended to jump in front of me the other day got a simple bellowed cry of 'TWAT!' over my shoulder. Much laughter ensued from his mates.

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #40 on: April 22, 2008, 11:47:30 am »
I decided to stop and 'chat' to a couple of local youths who decided to mouth off at me; it turned into a bit of a shoving match.

Then a car pulled up, the kid's mum got out and told them to go home, *right now!*. Which they meekly did :)

Separately, the local girls have taken to shouting "Fancy a shag?" at passing cyclists - but I'm not stopping for them.

onb

  • Between jobs at present
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #41 on: April 22, 2008, 01:51:35 pm »
I decided to stop and 'chat' to a couple of local youths who decided to mouth off at me; it turned into a bit of a shoving match.

Then a car pulled up, the kid's mum got out and told them to go home, *right now!*. Which they meekly did :)

Separately, the local girls have taken to shouting "Fancy a shag?" at passing cyclists - but I'm not stopping for them.



I would have though a good retort to that would be "Idont think your mum will give you enough spend"
.

bobajobrob

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #42 on: April 24, 2008, 06:48:29 pm »
I had a good one today from some kids in Gloucester. "Hey mate, fight the power *thumbs up*" ;D

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #43 on: April 24, 2008, 07:16:05 pm »
Was out cycling with my girlfriend (now the wife) when the Classic "nae saddle on that bike pet" was uttered. To my amazement sharp as a tack she, very much a non cyclist and not used to absuse retort "nae c*ck in your trousers, arsehole". Classic, and you could hear his mates laugh even when well in the distance...

I can never think of anything better than "arsehole", although to be fair abuse is not
a regular occurence....
..Just lift your head, take a deep breath and enjoy....

Pedaldog

  • AKA Dogbad.
    • The Vapers Den.
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #44 on: April 24, 2008, 07:20:42 pm »
I managed a good 'un on the Recumbent.
Yoof wot is really 'ard "Wot the FU**S 'at?"
Me (wot was prepared having seen them in advance ) "It's your mother and I'm riding her rough!"
Know-nothing Bozo.

Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #45 on: April 24, 2008, 07:42:15 pm »
Like most of you - the problem is actually thinking of it at the time. Mot reponses com 5 minutes later after you have reflected.

Once though  managed.


Gunwharf Quays at lights, woman in 4X4 pulls alongside in ASL revving engine, looked across, and pointed out - "This is a bike area only, as that is obviusly a car  - are you the bike?"

Count to 10 while she worked that one out .....

Not  a happy little driver!


Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #46 on: April 25, 2008, 08:52:26 am »
Oik walks up to me in Peckham at the traffic lights and says "Wot you gonna do if I push you over".

I replied "I'll hit you so hard you'll fall down twice" in a gophel accent.
Your Royal Charles are belong to us.

Eccentrica Gallumbits

  • Rock 'n' roll and brew, rock 'n' roll and brew...
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #47 on: April 29, 2008, 06:46:34 pm »
I let us all down tonight and I'm sorry. Some arsehole with a dog and a golf club saw me cycling home tonight and said "you've got lovely boobs, can I have a feel of them?" All I could think to say was "you're a twat" but I spent the rest of the journey thinking of what else I could have said and if I see him again I'll try to remember.
My feminist marxist dialectic brings all the boys to the yard.


Jaded

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Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #48 on: April 30, 2008, 12:02:59 am »
"Yeah, go ahead, I bought them in Thailand."
If you don't like your democracy, vote against it.

Jacomus

  • My favourite gender neutral pronoun is comrade
Re: Oiks shouting stuff at cyclists
« Reply #49 on: April 30, 2008, 12:17:58 am »
I let us all down tonight and I'm sorry. Some arsehole with a dog and a golf club saw me cycling home tonight and said "you've got lovely boobs, can I have a feel of them?" All I could think to say was "you're a twat" but I spent the rest of the journey thinking of what else I could have said and if I see him again I'll try to remember.

From my gf, directed at persistent oik in a bar.

Oik - "Phwoar! You've got f*ckin' awesome tits, can I have a feel? I'd love to f*ck you later."

Miss JrG (haughtily) - "I'm sorry, I'm not a lesbian." *Walks away*

The guy spent aaaaaaages figuring out how she had insulted him, eventually gave us the finger and slimed off.
"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity." Amelia Earhart