Author Topic: Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent  (Read 1232 times)

librarian

  • Quiet please
Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent
« on: June 14, 2009, 09:23:28 pm »

I always find it tragic that most of the "contestants" on, what is clearly, a freak-show don't draw the natural conclusion that a freak-show needs freaks and that, quite possibly, they may be a freak, there only to be ridiculed.

There are several types of contestants it seems:

Type 1 - Ordinary Freak.  Dodgy hair, train-spotter clothes, not quite enough teeth to successfully tackle corn on the cob and a total lack of talent.  Their performance will leave you open-mouthed and wondering what happened to Mental Health funding. You will call your kids indoors in case there are more of them out there.

Type 2 - Talented Freak.  As above but with a decent voice.  Their performance will leave you open-mouthed, amazed that extremely ugly people can have talent.  The pathos will be tear-jerking and I can almost hear the contestant slurping their thanks to Simon Cowell, John Merrick-like, "you've all been so terribly kind".  Ultimately though, as Liz points out, why have an ugly bird performing when there are hundreds of nice looking ones out there. (that's ..err...definitely what Liz ....errr ...meant).

Type 3 - Child Freak. Possibly the worst freak of all.  Either it's a precocious little gimp that's been to stage school since birth and dreams of being in Eastenders or it's a shy one with big eyes and small talent.  Either way, I don't think anyone really wants kids singing on TV, it's just annoying and only their grand-parents will truly like it.  Kids can't sing.  They are shit little singers.  Don't believe me, check how many albums you have by 6 year olds.

Type 4 - Sympathy Freak.  They've had it tough alright.  Wife's gone (either dead or just pissed off with Milkman), 7 kids to feed, Tattoos to have done fags and booze to buy, it's not easy holding down 2 jobs AND claiming disability.  Here is your classic pub singer, they can hold a tune and are told by Cowell they are the next Sinatra.  They get built up for a few rounds until we're sick of watching sickening video clips of their kids praying to God for mummy's return and, more importantly, a new Playstation 3.

Type 5 - 1970's Variety Show Freak. Jugglers, Dance Troupes, Contortionists, Sword Swallowers, Dancing Dogs and so on.  I mean, what is the very best thing that can possibly happen to these people?  It's Haven Holiday Camps isn't it?  Surely Butlins have stopped using freaks like these haven't they.

So yes, I think I summarized perfectly what Liz was trying to say there.  Fking freak show.  Kill them all, Kill, Kill them All Goddamnit!