The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[Tod28]

Good to see that English mustard will now be manufactured in Germany after 160 years. Brexit... strewth, you couldn't make it up!

It is only the Coleman packet sauces that will be produced in Germany.  English mustard will continue to be sourced from the Norfolk area and AIUI milled in Norwich before being shipped to Burton on Trent to join the Unilever packing lines there.

[Mr Larrington]

Man off the tellybox said they were moving production of the stuff sold in jars to Burton-on-Trent

[Canardly]

Uk market v european market? There are a lot of sausages in Germany. Some jobs going to Burton rest to Germany.

[woollypigs]

Oh for feck sake I heard on the radio that we will have more hours to drown our sorrows celebrate and buy boozeahol the weekend the royals are having a do. Do gov.uk reall spend time on this where there is a few other issues out there that needs more staff on the ball.

[Mrs Pingu]

Oh for feck sake I heard on the radio that we will have more hours to drown our sorrows celebrate and buy boozeahol the weekend the royals are having a do. Do gov.uk reall spend time on this where there is a few other issues out there that needs more staff on the ball.

Look! Over there! Foxes! Blue passports! Young people getting hitched! Nothing to see here....move along.

[Cudzoziemiec]

Ah yes, young people getting married... While Windsor has been "cleaning up" street sleepers, Edinburgh has apparently taken a very different approach, recruiting street sleepers around the Castle as "tourist ambassadors" and guess what, there might be a plan to expand this nationwide (or rather to other touristy places) in time for the big royal hitch up! Rejoice, homeless of Britain, a bald man who isn't going to be king cares about you!

[SoreTween]

Dear twatwazzock in room 320,

Please stop shouting.  That device in you hand is a telephone which, by the magic of electrons & waves you wouldn't understand will transmit your voice to your now deaf in one ear friend/relation/unfortunate other.  You do not need to bellow so loudly the whole of Nothern Italy can hear you through the window.  The person above in 419 is now pointedly stomping up & down in please to be STFU way on my ceiling.  I can't blame them apart from the whole wrong room business.

Die you unthinking twunt.

[mrcharly-YHT]

We are under resourced.

An expensive contract Tech Author, with 40 years experience, has been engaged to help.

All he has to do is enter info into 4 HTML files. I've set up the files, even created all the headings, the tables and links for him. Set up the CSS.

On starting the job, his first question:

What editing tool will I use to edit HTML text and formatting?

Try an effing text editor, like the one I used to create all of this.
Or you could get fancy, ignore what I've set up (other than as an example template), write the content in a markdown format and convert it with Sphinx.

Bloody hell would you like me to hold your hand for you and make you cups of tea as well?

[Beardy]

We are under resourced.

An expensive contract Tech Author, with 40 years experience, has been engaged to help.

All he has to do is enter info into 4 HTML files. I've set up the files, even created all the headings, the tables and links for him. Set up the CSS.

On starting the job, his first question:

What editing tool will I use to edit HTML text and formatting?

Try an effing text editor, like the one I used to create all of this.
Or you could get fancy, ignore what I've set up (other than as an example template), write the content in a markdown format and convert it with Sphinx.

Bloody hell would you like me to hold your hand for you and make you cups of tea as well?

If he's an expensive contractor you don't want him wasting his time making cups of tea 

[mrcharly-YHT]

We are under resourced.

An expensive contract Tech Author, with 40 years experience, has been engaged to help.

All he has to do is enter info into 4 HTML files. I've set up the files, even created all the headings, the tables and links for him. Set up the CSS.

On starting the job, his first question:

What editing tool will I use to edit HTML text and formatting?

Try an effing text editor, like the one I used to create all of this.
Or you could get fancy, ignore what I've set up (other than as an example template), write the content in a markdown format and convert it with Sphinx.

Bloody hell would you like me to hold your hand for you and make you cups of tea as well?

If he's an expensive contractor you don't want him wasting his time making cups of tea 

If I had time to make cups of tea for him, we wouldn't need him.

I could write many scathing words about US tech authors who can't function without expensive software.

[andyoxon]

We’ve decided to make things easier. From today, you’ll get 3 times the value of your vouchers across the majority of our Reward Partners at tesco.com/clubcard/boost.

 Easier?    We only generally used the vouchers at 4x value (except Eurotunnel).  I gather Sainsburys kicked their own loyalty scheme in the teeth, and it looks like Tesco is following suit.

edit.  Tesco have U-turned 4x to 3x in June 18 instead of immediate.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

Why the everloving fuck are we paying millions of squids to borrow the Bayeux Tapestry (which isn't even a tapestry, it's embroidery)? Is all the homelessness sorted out now? Hospitals fully-funded?

[giropaul]

We are under resourced.

An expensive contract Tech Author, with 40 years experience, has been engaged to help.

All he has to do is enter info into 4 HTML files. I've set up the files, even created all the headings, the tables and links for him. Set up the CSS.

On starting the job, his first question:

What editing tool will I use to edit HTML text and formatting?

Try an effing text editor, like the one I used to create all of this.
Or you could get fancy, ignore what I've set up (other than as an example template), write the content in a markdown format and convert it with Sphinx.

Bloody hell would you like me to hold your hand for you and make you cups of tea as well?

As I understand it, the usual route is to engage expensive consultants, hold their hands because they have little clue what to do, and then wait until they report that the project is unachievable and retreat leaving their invoice. At least, that’s what happened with several Government IT projects ( shades of Carillion!)

[rafletcher]

Why the everloving fuck are we paying millions of squids to borrow the Bayeux Tapestry (which isn't even a tapestry, it's embroidery)? Is all the homelessness sorted out now? Hospitals fully-funded?

The same reason we pay for other artefacts to be shown in galleries and museums. Culture, education.

[ian]

Indeed.

And as an incredibly rich country we can actually afford that and the hospitals. If we choose not to, well, then that is a choice.

[Beardy]

As I understand it, the usual route is to engage expensive consultants, hold their hands because they have little clue what to do, and then wait until they report that the project is unachievable and retreat leaving their invoice. At least, that’s what happened with several Government IT projects ( shades of Carillion!)

To be fair to consultants (no, I won’t make a habit of it, honest) most government IT projects are unachievable, partly because the government, and secondly, well, government.

[essexian]

Why the everloving fuck are we paying millions of squids to borrow the Bayeux Tapestry (which isn't even a tapestry, it's embroidery)? Is all the homelessness sorted out now? Hospitals fully-funded?

The same reason we pay for other artefacts to be shown in galleries and museums. Culture, education.

Well, we do already have a full size copy in the UK, see: http://www.readingmuseum.org.uk/your-visit/permanent-galleries/bayeux-gallery

Although, it does mean going to Reading to see it.....    

[arabella]

And there's the !new! !improved! kiwi version currently on tour, 'mosaic' rather than embroidery.  It's got extra footage. Currently in sunny suffolk (well, it is sunny just now)

[Cudzoziemiec]

That's disappointing. I thought a Kiwi version might show Maori warriors flinging spears at British redcoats, culminating in the Treaty of Waitangi.

[Beardy]

And there's the !new! !improved! kiwi version currently on tour, 'mosaic' rather than embroidery.  It's got extra footage. Currently in sunny suffolk (well, it is sunny just now)

That's within staggering distance of Beardy's Bastion and I didn't even know it was there. If I'd not already made plans to visit the children in THAT LONDON this weekend, I'd be down there. Next weekend then.

[woollypigs]

Arrrgghhhhh feck sake, online help chats, sit around for at least 45min waiting to get hold on of their droids, then chat for a bit, got tired of waiting for them to answer (needed to have a drink and do other stuff) come back to chat with a message chat closed because you didn't answer within 3min - thx how do you rate our service ....

[Bledlow]

That's disappointing. I thought a Kiwi version might show Maori warriors flinging spears at British redcoats, culminating in the Treaty of Waitangi.

Flinging spears? They used bloody guns! They had plenty (bought from European & American traders) & knew how to use them, having practiced extensively on each other. They'd adapted their tactics from their spear-throwing days to suit guns, & invented some tricks of their own. One little twist was building concealed bunkers in a forest facing away from the direction in which British troops would advance, & ambushing the redcoats. A couple of volleys in the back ... And when the redcoats turned round, the men hiding on the other side of the killing ground would open up.

Clever buggers.

[SoreTween]

Arrrgghhhhh feck sake, online help chats, sit around for at least 45min waiting to get hold on of their droids, then chat for a bit, got tired of waiting for them to answer (needed to have a drink and do other stuff) come back to chat with a message chat closed because you didn't answer within 3min - thx how do you rate our service ....

Helldesk outsourced to IBM?

[woollypigs]

@soretween (oh and others) update to rant. Contacting the support druid on the farcebook messenger - because on the phone they said why not using farcebook messenger as it will be faster than the phone (which is it not as first time I did I gave up waiting and called, hung around waiting and dealt with them on the phone, which took about 45min, before they came back to me, about an hour later, on farcebook messenger) - where they do no read history of our chats at all, so therefore had to explain it to them again.

The issue is that we upgrade to Fibre but is getting slower speeds and more drops outs than when we were on broadband. e.g pay for more and get less. Had the BT openreach engineer around and get the all clear on the hardware, so lets see. Because the loong delay in the messages responses on farcebook, I just played along and did what they asked me to do and updated them about what is happening here. So they still send me down the line of testing x,y,z and restarting even when I have already done that and these tests resulted in the engineer call out (could have seen that in the history from yesterday). I also told them that the two most used PCs in the house are on LAN yet their test said I would be a good idea to change the WiFi channels as they are crowed. Which 2.4Ghz is, about 20-25 other on each channel, but 5Ghz there is about 5 on all the the channel, got the 5Ghz able router to get away from over crowding ...

and so we are going around in circles ...

[Beardy]

Have I mentioned what I think of people that use spreadsheets when they should have used a fucking database? When it takes 5 minutes to do simple filter on a spreadsheet, there's too much fucking data on the spreadsheet. If you've got that much data and you don't know how to molish a bloody database employ someone who does. Arse.

Edit.

That's it, I'm going ot have to KILL him to DETH. After fighting the bloody massive spreadsheet and finding the its I needed to update I find a reference to a 'feeder' spreadsheet, I assume so different lines of business can update data without trampling over each other's edits, so that's good. so I wade into SharePoint and find the bloody spreadsheet, but rather than find an extract of the Line of Business data I find a FULL FUCKING COPY of the already TOO FUCKING BIG spread sheet. on second thoughts DETH is too good for him unless it involves some kind of hell where he is forced to wait forever while enormous spreadsheets do things before he can do ANYTHING at all, like take a crap!