Author Topic: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)  (Read 1818558 times)

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
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Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22375 on: June 30, 2020, 07:54:37 am »
Never trust a Charolais

Bof!  You Ingleesh! ~ a Charolais, yesterday
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Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22376 on: June 30, 2020, 08:26:04 am »
I actually have been trampled by a cow. It hurt a great deal, but is an accepted risk of keeping livestock. Most trampling incidents happen during handling at close quarters, not roaming in the field. I've also been hit square in the face by the gate on a cattle crush swinging open with the full weight of the bull behind it (human error). That hurt too.

I've been charged, there's nothing more terrifying than 250kg of post-partum dairy mother, teats swinging close to the floor, coming after you at FULL TILT head down along a narrow passageway as you attempt to drag the bloated and slightly rotting remains of her dead calf.. Never been trampled but the large animals kicking and trapping your limbs or swinging gates at you leaves great bruises.

#StuffOfNightmares

Outside, they're easy

TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

Giraffe

  • I brake for Giraffes
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22377 on: June 30, 2020, 09:22:28 am »
Young bullocks are the worst in some ways. A local footpath has a herd in the field and they trot up from behind quite fast. Just turning round and, if necessary, spreading arms will stop them but of course it's difficult because they're always behind.
I don't trust them to stop - many years ago three of us were on a FP and a herd was trotting fast behind us. The other two were almost panicking - unexpected, as they were country lads - so I told them to turn round and spread their arms. The herd stopped about a yard away, sliding to a halt; literally a second later and they couldn't have stopped.
My brother worked on the dairy farm next door, so I was very accustomed to being around cattle, including The Prime Directive: don't stand behind a cow when a) she't on the raised milking platform b) has a cough c) has diarrhea. Newton's Third Law of shit happens.
2x4: thick plank; 4x4: 2 of 'em.

Regulator

  • That's Councillor Regulator to you...
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22378 on: June 30, 2020, 09:36:27 am »
To be fair, I don’t believe there’s any requirement for a farmer to warn walkers about their livestock. It just requires - as you demonstrated - common sense. Broken stiles are likely to be a parish council issue in the first instance.


Maintenance of stiles, gates, etc. on public footpaths are the responsibility of the landowner - not the council.  They must be maintained in a condition to allow passage.

Broken stiles, gates, etc. can be reported to the local Rights of Way officer, who will ask the landowner to make them good.
Quote from: clarion
I completely agree with Reg.

Green Party Councillor

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
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Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22379 on: June 30, 2020, 09:43:36 am »
That's the thing when they creep up behind and then stop when you look. What us? No, we were already here. We've had an entire herd behind us. It's a bit troubling the first time and you start calculating when you last ate a burger. Not a bother now, they're just being curious.

It's also happened with sheep, which is a bit odd, when you turn around there's an entire field of sheep crowded behind you, staring...

Basically, these are countryside troubles abridged and ranked:

1. Idiot drivers on country lanes.
2. Barky, off-lead dogs.
33. Horses with attitude.
45. Cows.
98. Sheep.
!nataS pihsroW

Regulator

  • That's Councillor Regulator to you...
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22380 on: June 30, 2020, 09:55:09 am »
That's the thing when they creep up behind and then stop when you look. What us? No, we were already here. We've had an entire herd behind us. It's a bit troubling the first time and you start calculating when you last ate a burger. Not a bother now, they're just being curious.

It's also happened with sheep, which is a bit odd, when you turn around there's an entire field of sheep crowded behind you, staring...

Basically, these are countryside troubles abridged and ranked:

1. Idiot drivers on country lanes.
2. Barky, off-lead dogs.
33. Horses with attitude.
45. Cows.
98. Sheep.


Yebbut... goats.  Those little gits will mug you if they think you have food.  Like sheep with flick-knives.
Quote from: clarion
I completely agree with Reg.

Green Party Councillor

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22381 on: June 30, 2020, 09:55:50 am »
 
TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22382 on: June 30, 2020, 10:17:16 am »
That's good to know, it's usually my fault

Technically it was. We waited for a bus that the internet claimed existed but didn't. Or it didn't until we gave up and started to walk and five minutes later it zoomed past.

Let's just get a taxi, she said. Nah, says I, gesturing at a map. The problem was that someone had put the airport in the way. I don't think I can take the blame for that.
!nataS pihsroW

Regulator

  • That's Councillor Regulator to you...
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22383 on: June 30, 2020, 10:23:20 am »
To be fair, I don’t believe there’s any requirement for a farmer to warn walkers about their livestock. It just requires - as you demonstrated - common sense. Broken stiles are likely to be a parish council issue in the first instance.


It is considered good practice and recommended by the Health & Safety Executive.  Useful leaflet here.



Edit: Interesting to note (re. the conversation above about dairy herds)

Quote
Bulls of recognised dairy breeds (eg Ayrshire, Friesian, Holstein, Dairy Shorthorn, Guernsey, Jersey and Kerry) are in all circumstances banned from being at large in fields crossed by public rights of way. Do not keep them in fields with public rights of way, statutory or other types of permitted access.
Quote from: clarion
I completely agree with Reg.

Green Party Councillor

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22384 on: June 30, 2020, 10:24:31 am »
That's the thing when they creep up behind and then stop when you look. What us? No, we were already here. We've had an entire herd behind us. It's a bit troubling the first time and you start calculating when you last ate a burger. Not a bother now, they're just being curious.

It's also happened with sheep, which is a bit odd, when you turn around there's an entire field of sheep crowded behind you, staring...

Basically, these are countryside troubles abridged and ranked:

1. Idiot drivers on country lanes.
2. Barky, off-lead dogs.
33. Horses with attitude.
45. Cows.
98. Sheep.

Sheep, look innocent, but like giraffes there's a deviousness.  I was cycling between Bowmore and Port Ellen to catch the ferry, and they were all across the road near the airport, on a foggy morning, blending in and nonchalantly bimbling around as if to say "really? You have somewhere to be? Oh, I may just amble slowly out of your way in that case, but just as a favour to you, and just this once!"
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22385 on: June 30, 2020, 10:28:04 am »
I've lost count of the amount of times I detoured around cows when the dog was alive. She was always on a lead but a couple of times they still moved towards us and I wasn't keen on taking a risk. One time that detour involved throwing the dog and then myself over barbed wire into the next empty field. I do try not to trespass but thought it was worth it on that occasion.

fuzzy (retd.) AAGE

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Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22386 on: June 30, 2020, 10:35:31 am »
Goats will mug you even if they know you haven't got food.
Unless you are the nekkid rambler, you are always wearing something they are willing to sample
Quote from: tatanab
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If it ain't bad for you it ain't worth doing

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22387 on: June 30, 2020, 10:37:52 am »
Dogs, I'm sure, make things different.

I did have to hit a horse with a big stick once but it was trying to bite chunks out of me. It sort of got the message and I ran off before it had time to reconsider the message. I have a friend who can arm-wrestle a horse, he would have been very useful (he's from a ranch in Missouri, any horse he sees, he can't help tipping it over to admire its hooves).
!nataS pihsroW

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22388 on: June 30, 2020, 12:41:33 pm »
Basically, these are countryside troubles abridged and ranked:

1. Idiot drivers on country lanes.
2. Barky, off-lead dogs.
33. Horses with attitude.
45. Cows.
98. Sheep.

3. Barky, off-lead humans.
6. Weather.
14: 0Ω insects.
28. 400kΩ insects.
56. Mud.
77. Triffids.
83. Wowbadgers.
Careful, Kim. Your sarcasm's showing...

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22389 on: June 30, 2020, 01:45:53 pm »
For the fens, need to add FO big tractors

https://www.caseih.com/apac/en-int/products/tractors/steiger

Thet tend to ignore smaller things

T42

  • Old fool in a hurry
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22390 on: June 30, 2020, 01:56:51 pm »
For the fens, need to add FO big tractors

https://www.caseih.com/apac/en-int/products/tractors/steiger

Thet tend to ignore smaller things

Fens? Don't got none of them things here but the BFO tractors are thick as family cars around here.  Having a tyre taller than you whizzing round a statutory metre away* from your elbow is none too comfy.

* in towns
I've dusted all those old bottles and set them up straight.

Regulator

  • That's Councillor Regulator to you...
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22391 on: June 30, 2020, 02:38:30 pm »
For the fens, need to add FO big tractors

https://www.caseih.com/apac/en-int/products/tractors/steiger

Thet tend to ignore smaller things

I must admit, I've found tractor drivers OK on the whole...
Quote from: clarion
I completely agree with Reg.

Green Party Councillor

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22392 on: June 30, 2020, 02:49:14 pm »
Well, despite the assurances, this mother was going to do us some serious damage if we'd walked. She seemed to be in the midst of 5-6 calves with one about 50M away. And, of course, the path ran between her and the calf with no viable alternative route. She was tearing up the ground with her hoof, snorting (not a line) and giving us the evil eye. I've also walked across many a field with cows in, but this was different. Whatever, I wasn't going to be the tragic, almost unique, case in the paper. Discretion being the better part of valour and all that... Having said that, I could run a darn sight faster than the bloke with me, but he didn't seem keen to test the theory.

As it happens, it was <1/4 mile back to a bridleway and thence onto a country road to take us back into the village we'd started from, so not a big deal in the end, except we were utterly knackered by then.
Haggerty F, Haggerty R, Tomkins, Noble, Carrick, Robson, Crapper, Dewhurst, Macintyre, Treadmore, Davitt.

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22393 on: June 30, 2020, 03:07:56 pm »
She seemed to be in the midst of 5-6 calves with one about 50M away. And, of course, the path ran between her and the calf with no viable alternative route. ... Discretion being the better part of valour and all that...

Ah. A cow creche. All the mothers will have left a single cow in charge of all the calves (cows very rarely give birth to more than one calf). Without an alternative to walk around the entire lot, I think discretion would be the better part of valour. I'd have to think very carefully about walking through the middle of a cow creche. The calves themselves might run about and get close to you, and the adult cow will still think that's your fault.

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22394 on: June 30, 2020, 04:17:27 pm »
As I understand it, beef cattle are more placid than their dairy cousins.
There have been recent UK cattle trampling deaths.

For the rest of the day I will have the image in my head of a cow on a trampoline.

Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22395 on: June 30, 2020, 04:34:52 pm »
As I understand it, beef cattle are more placid than their dairy cousins.
There have been recent UK cattle trampling deaths.

For the rest of the day I will have the image in my head of a cow on a trampoline.

I see your cow and raise you... an elephant. :demon:

https://funniest.1000notes.com/post/38951088951/every-blog-must-have-an-elephant-on-a-trampoline

(I can't remember what I had been looking for when I chanced across this, but it seemed like a good idea to bookmark it at the time.)
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.
And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22396 on: June 30, 2020, 07:29:42 pm »
As I understand it, beef cattle are more placid than their dairy cousins.
There have been recent UK cattle trampling deaths.

For the rest of the day I will have the image in my head of a cow on a trampoline.

I see your cow and raise you... an elephant. :demon:

https://funniest.1000notes.com/post/38951088951/every-blog-must-have-an-elephant-on-a-trampoline

That's the problem with cars getting bigger and harder to wash...
Careful, Kim. Your sarcasm's showing...

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22397 on: June 30, 2020, 09:16:46 pm »
Never stand behind a hippo. Or near one. That can spin their tail at 300 rpm. They can also produce massive volumes of poop. So really the shit does hit the fan. And anyone within 50 metres.

Remember the scene in Platoon, where Willem Defoe is going down in a hail of gunfire. Just like that. But with half-kilo turd balls.
!nataS pihsroW

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22398 on: June 30, 2020, 09:21:31 pm »
I'd avoid the front end too.  My dad treated a hippo bite once.  In the 'there was just about enough time to administer some morphine while the patient still had circulation' sense.

(The serious advice is not to get between the hippo and the water.  And to be somewhere else if they have calves.)
Careful, Kim. Your sarcasm's showing...

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« Reply #22399 on: June 30, 2020, 09:22:51 pm »
For the fens, need to add FO big tractors

https://www.caseih.com/apac/en-int/products/tractors/steiger

Thet tend to ignore smaller things

Only two places I've come across those things are 1) the fens (including one this evening)  and b) the sahara

They are very useful for towing seismic equipment around the desert. Picture the terrain in star wars ep IV and you'r about there.
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens