Author Topic: The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)  (Read 1272 times)


  • Quiet please
The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)
« on: November 06, 2009, 04:16:24 pm »
And it came to pass that Moses did once more go unto the mountain, and there did he ascend, that he might be closer to the LORD, and that he might be free from the fearful row that his homies were making around the camp fire.

And Moses did fall to his kness, and did cry out unto the LORD.

And the LORD spake, and said: Stay away from me, thou maniac, else I shall smite thee with a restraining order, which shall be enforced with thunderbolts and lightning which, as any fule kno, are very very frightening meeeee!

And Moses spake unto the LORD, saying: Srsly, LORD, I seek thy advice, for there is trouble among the Israelites, and the Ammonites, and the Midianites, and the Simmonites, and the Canaanites, and the Jacobites, and the Levites, and the Trilobites, and the Ishmaelites, and the Sodomites, and the Adnanites, and the Megabytes, and the Qahtanites, and the Cheesibites, and the

And the LORD did interrupt Moses, and did say: Get to the point, thou beardy twatbasket, for I have not all day.

And Moses said: It hath come to pass that there be large numbers of carts upon the roads of thy Kingdom, and chariots, and those other things that I have forgotten the name of, memory like a sieve, me, forget mine own name next, eh, but anyway, there is a great multitude of them.  And every day they are smiting each other with great force, and everyone is suffering as a result.  So I was wondering, O LORD, whether thou hast any suggestions as to how this state of affairs might be improved, for I am but a thick-o in thy sight.

And the LORD did scratch His head, and did ponder for a bit, and said unto Moses: Hast thou thy hammer, and thy chisel?

And Moses replied unto the LORD, saying: Yes, Guv, right here in mine rucksack.

And the LORD said: Right, this may take some time, so I hope thou entertaineth no plans for any begetting this evening.  And the LORD said: These are the laws that shall govern thy carts, and thy chariots, and those other things, the name of which thou hast forgotten, and thou shalt inscribe these laws with thy hammer, and thy chisel, upon thy tablets wrought from stone, and thou shalt refer to them as "The Highway Code".

And the LORD spake for quite a while, and the arms of Moses did grow tired, for there was much hammering and, moreover, chiselling.

And finally the LORD did fall silent, and He did look upon His work, and He saw that it was good.

And the LORD spake once more unto Moses, and said: Read thou back to Me the first bit of section 185, wouldst thou?

And Moses read, and said: Give thou priority unto traffic approaching from thy right, unless thou art directed otherwise by signs, road markings, traffic lights or the LORD.  Give thou not priority unto traffic approaching from thy left, nor shalt thou give priority unto traffic approaching from above, unless they be flights of holy seraphim and cherubim.  And drive thou over traffic approaching from below, for such traffic is the traffic of the devil, and is naughty in the sight of the LORD and should be utterly smashed in and done away with.

And the LORD said: Yep, that sounds right.  And He did instruct Moses to return unto his homies, and instruct them in the rules as laid down by the LORD.

And then did the LORD go unto the pub.

And yea, and verily, Moses did return unto his homies, and the homies spake, and said among themselves: Fuck me, it's Burt Lancaster, tee hee hee.

And Moses did speak, saying: Shut thou thy gobs, and put thou down thy BEER, and listen thou unto me.  And he did instruct the homies in the word of the LORD, and the homies did all agree that it made sense, and did resolve to obey the word of the LORD, that they might protect their children, and their children's children, and their children's children's children, and their no-claims bonuses.

And that, Mr A Twatinbiglorry, is why did I sound mine horn, and did make unto thee vulgar gestures and did call thee a "stupid fucking wanker".

Here endeth the lesson.