Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 64555 times)

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #550 on: November 15, 2018, 03:32:13 pm »
Not so much a phrase but a memo that is hard to comply with:-

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear colleague,

All colleagues, including anyone working for and on behalf of BigCo, are reminded that BigCo assets, resource or any site facilities are not to be used for personal use in any form, or for the storage of private property, including vehicles.

Lockers are assigned for the necessary short-term storage of personal items required for BigCo business purposes.

BigCo has no insurance or liability arising for [sic] the storage of any personal property. Any breach is a serious disciplinary matter.

Issued on behalf of [name redacted], Director, Corporate Security and Business Protection and  [name redacted], Manager, Corporate Insurance Risk

-----------------------------------------------------

I am trying to reconcile this with the existence of a great big car park, a bike shed, my jacket on the back of my chair and the floor supporting my own briefcase with the odd personal item it that doesn't get used for work.

It reminds me of http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-10 and the following few cartoons.

Much like staying at a Marriott, they'd charge you for the air, and the tapwater if they could.
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #551 on: November 21, 2018, 08:58:43 pm »
Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...

At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,

PHB:  Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB:  But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.


*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase,  "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.
Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #552 on: November 21, 2018, 09:12:55 pm »
You're making the mistake of applying logic to the corporate world.  Once your defective personality* has been fixed, you'll feel much better.

*Sorry, reading 1984 at the moment.
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #553 on: November 21, 2018, 09:38:30 pm »
It's yer critical path innit. Wots a Prince? Anyone got a line of balance?
Get a bicycle. You will never regret it, if you live- Mark Twain

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #554 on: November 21, 2018, 09:47:23 pm »
"Envision"  :sick: 
Never tell me the odds.

Feanor

  • It's mostly downhill from here.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #555 on: November 21, 2018, 09:51:11 pm »
Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.

Sounds like we are going to go around prodding people in the ticklish bits with our fingers.

spesh

  • Indictments we bring to Trump and his kin...
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #556 on: November 21, 2018, 09:54:43 pm »
Apparently, we are going to become 'Digital Disruptors'.

Hmmm, sounds rather like a new version of the Silicon Valley tech douche-bro saying "move fast and break things".

I think we've had enough digital disruption already, thankyouverymuchmuttergrumble...
This is not The Greatest Sig Line in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.

Kim

  • 2nd in the world
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #557 on: November 21, 2018, 09:58:51 pm »
To be fair to Silicon Valley tech douche-bros, they're relatively unlikely to abuse the term 'digital' like that.  I suspect marketroids and/or management conslutants.
To ride the Windcheetah, first, you must embrace the cantilever...

Ben T

  • What you saying, then?
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #558 on: November 21, 2018, 10:56:06 pm »
Not so much the words, more the lack of understanding...

At a Sprint planning meeting somewhere in corporate Britain,

PHB:  Why is sub-drone lurker working on feature γ and not working on feature ξ?
Omnes: Feature ξ is dependant upon feature γ and cannot be commenced until feature γ is in place.
PHB:  But sub-drone lurker should be working on feature ξ*, that's what we planned.


*Feature ξ has, in large friendly letters, the phrase,  "Requires feature γ to be in place first." where anyone who was taught to read at primary school can see it.

This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment", this can sometimes be an actual task with complexity points*... So in your example, one of the tasks of feature ξ, that he is currently working on, is effectively "wait until feature γ is complete".  That's the logic  ;D

* Not sure whether you would be allowed to contribute them to velocity... we do for impediments but maybe only for ones that are deemed to have been caused by the client. That's something you'd have to discuss, or should I say " a conversation you'd have to have "  ::-) :)
This is destiny, it's fate, it's the matrix working in my favour.

Torslanda

  • Professional Gobshite
  • Just a tart for retro kit . . .
    • John's Bikes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #559 on: November 22, 2018, 01:51:58 am »
Manglement conslutants.

I feel vaguely dirty...
VELOMANCER

Well that's the more blunt way of putting it but as usual he's dead right.

TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #560 on: November 22, 2018, 09:07:46 pm »
This is got round in my co by "raising an impediment"...

Ah we use the impediment state to deal with active work that's blocked by a problem that's cropped up rather than one that can't be started because of some dependency.  The PHB wanted us to start work on a piece of work that was already "blocked" and marked as "blocked" in the tracker.  PHB wanted us to build the 1st floor of the building before we'd got the footings and ground floor in place.

Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

fuzzy (retd.) AAGE

  • SWMBO's Toy Boy.
  • Apprentice Leathery Old Git
    • The Secret Cyclist blog
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #561 on: November 22, 2018, 11:08:31 pm »
Ah! Architects.....
Quote from: tatanab
The mark of a true cyclist - prepared to try anything on offer

If it ain't bad for you it ain't worth doing

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #562 on: November 23, 2018, 05:04:44 pm »
Our design system, which has been rewarded by the unicorn in vision, and our AI capacity.
The earth is vast and beautiful and contains many miraculous places. (Chekhov)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #563 on: November 23, 2018, 07:41:17 pm »
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.

Pingu

  • Put away those fiery biscuits!
  • Mrs Pingu's domestique
    • the Igloo
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #564 on: November 23, 2018, 09:55:49 pm »
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.

See also "caveat"  :demon:

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #565 on: November 28, 2018, 04:18:22 pm »
If anyone uses "signpost" as a verb, I immediately feel very tempted to slap them with a dictionary.

Just don't use the cambridge, eh?  Best not use the Oxford, either. Or, any other dictionary that has definitions in.

(Don't take it personally, you're in good company on this, the spelling and the grammar thread.)


Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #566 on: November 28, 2018, 05:18:00 pm »
'We have to change how we work'

Why? It works quite well already.


...silence

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #567 on: December 03, 2018, 12:48:40 pm »
We have had an email from our ‘capability lead’ in advance of an official announcement, that our beloved CTO is leaving in 6 months’ time, leaving a pile of wreckage in his wake (the last bit wasn’t in the email, I’ve added that myself). It was a glowing testimonial, but included this

“Having spoken to him about this earlier this morning, he indicated that he would not have come to this decision if he thought we were incapable of achieving what we have set out to do, accepting that we are still maturing.

I agree with this sentiment and whilst I appreciate that we still have much to do, under D's leadership our capability has [insert what you believe has been the growth in your capability]"

which suggests that the whole thing was a template, possibly penned by the said departing CTO himself.

Oh, and to make sure this is the correct thread, I also humbly submit

“His insights are high value and whilst as CTO his remit is broad he has always taken time out to ensure we have everything we need to succeed and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #568 on: December 03, 2018, 01:40:16 pm »
And the entire organisation yelled "BINGO!" all at once
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

mattc

  • n.b. have grown beard since photo taken
    • Didcot Audaxes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #569 on: December 03, 2018, 07:32:37 pm »
... and get those green lights on the dashboard on a sustainable basis”
Hmmm. I am shortly moving into the department who (amongst many other things!) design/build the "dashboard". So I reckon putting green lights on there shouldn't be too hard ...
Has never ridden RAAM
---------
No.11  Because of the great host of those who dislike the least appearance of "swank " when they travel the roads and lanes. - From Kuklos' 39 Articles

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #570 on: December 03, 2018, 08:31:54 pm »
... but in/on a sustainable basis?

TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #571 on: December 03, 2018, 08:56:44 pm »
... but in/on a sustainable basis?
Oh that's the easy bit.  Just choose a suitably low threshold value for showing a green indicator. Zero should be a safe bet.  Not killing the management plukes who think that a Fisher-Price dashboard will magickly make them competent is the hard bit.

Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #572 on: December 03, 2018, 10:05:34 pm »
Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
!nataS pihsroW

mattc

  • n.b. have grown beard since photo taken
    • Didcot Audaxes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #573 on: December 04, 2018, 12:18:34 pm »
Just put a static green circle image in the cell. Job done.
... and then Protect it.
Has never ridden RAAM
---------
No.11  Because of the great host of those who dislike the least appearance of "swank " when they travel the roads and lanes. - From Kuklos' 39 Articles

mr ben

  • Some routes may be arduous.
    • ramblings and randonees
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #574 on: December 05, 2018, 03:08:07 pm »
I've been diarised.
I sat in my tent this evening - a small green hole - and pondered on my short stature, love of food and ale, hairy feet and the unlikeliness of being an adventurer.