Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 73209 times)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #575 on: January 07, 2019, 09:11:15 am »
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #576 on: January 07, 2019, 09:14:23 am »
"Please block the time for a planned workshop to build an impactful ___ Team in the new constellation"

the'new constellation' might well be a reference to our substantially reduced department, half of us were made redundant before Christmas.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #577 on: January 31, 2019, 01:41:43 pm »
OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.

I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....

Quote
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.”

go on, fill yer boots.

Pingu

  • Put away those fiery biscuits!
  • Mrs Pingu's domestique
    • the Igloo
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #578 on: January 31, 2019, 01:56:01 pm »
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.


WTF do you want?  :demon:

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #579 on: January 31, 2019, 02:21:10 pm »
OK, anyone fancy a bit of fun? Not sure why I've been warned, possibly as I am quasi-leading some of this and they know I can't find a previous commitment.

I'm at a Work Thing next week, where everyone will start with fixing on a badge that says.....

Quote
Hi,
 My name is _____.
 My role is_______.
 I’m from________.
 My superpower is ___ because ___.
 Later on, ask me about my_____.”

go on, fill yer boots.

Be careful what you wish for...  :demon: ;D :demon:


Hi,
 My name is, my name is Slim Shady.
 My role is explaining management directives via interpretative dance.
 I’m from Llareggub.
 My superpower is belching 'La Marseillaise' because I was bitten by a radioactive sans-culotte.
 Later on, ask me about my tattoo of Richard Nixon.
Hell is empty, and all of the devils are here.

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #580 on: January 31, 2019, 08:54:20 pm »
Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans
To ride the Windcheetah, first, you must embrace the cantilever...

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #581 on: January 31, 2019, 09:13:26 pm »
Bonus points there for legitimate use of Comic Sans

About the only other time I think you could get away with it would be when quoting the tweets by the squatter in the Oval Office - though to get the full effect, you'd also need to change the font to green and apply bold, sub/superscript, underlining and changes in font size at random...*


* IIRC, there's a twitter account that reformats everything he posts so that it actually looks like it's been crayoned by a pre-schooler.
Hell is empty, and all of the devils are here.

Jaded

  • The Codfather
  • Formerly known as Jaded
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #582 on: January 31, 2019, 09:28:20 pm »
I'm sorry, but it isn't possible to have a badge that big.
If you don't like your democracy, vote against it.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #583 on: January 31, 2019, 09:39:38 pm »
Spoilsport.  ;D
Hell is empty, and all of the devils are here.

Cudzoziemiec

  • Solar powered, tea fuelled cycle-wol
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #584 on: January 31, 2019, 10:48:14 pm »
Maybe bitten by a radioactive gillet jaune rather than sans culotte.
sideways bounding monkey lounging under fruit tree

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #585 on: April 10, 2019, 08:45:52 am »
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #586 on: April 10, 2019, 11:04:54 am »
The system that I support, which has for a long time been a 'legacy' system, is now a 'heritage' system.

I'm stealing that. I'd use heirloom but truly none of our systems are that prestigious.
!nataS pihsroW

Cudzoziemiec

  • Solar powered, tea fuelled cycle-wol
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #587 on: April 10, 2019, 03:43:55 pm »
We've become used to companies talking about their mission, but today I heard a supermarket CEO talking about their brand tie-ins "bringing customers to a clothing mission."
sideways bounding monkey lounging under fruit tree

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #588 on: April 12, 2019, 09:19:29 am »
This is why I'm struggling with my current job:
Quote
Our Advanced Infusion Oil Technology keeps full naturality of the herbs, and with the power of megasonic
waves, the original constituents can be extracted in a more efficient manner.

Looking for a 'bucket of wank' emoji
TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #589 on: April 12, 2019, 09:37:48 am »
That should be submitted to New Scientist. They have a slot for that on the inside back page.

I'm fascinated to know what a 'megasonic wave' is. Care to ask the marketing team ?
Rust never sleeps

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #590 on: April 12, 2019, 09:53:08 am »
There's a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool, if that helps.
!nataS pihsroW

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #591 on: April 12, 2019, 10:03:02 am »
Quote
Megasonic waves, between a frequency of 700KHz and 1.2MHz, decrease the formation of cavitation and induce microstreaming and accelerating particles to breakdown

Of course they do.
TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #592 on: April 12, 2019, 10:38:25 am »
Actually, as a serious point, I think I may have used megasonic waves. Back in the day, I used to have to extract certain nucleotides from plants so I could shoot them with lasers and stuff, and that included submerging my victims in a mix of cold freon and perchloric acid and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic) to break them up and extract the required components without (significant) mechanical damage.

So basically, what they say is true!
!nataS pihsroW

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #593 on: April 12, 2019, 10:42:00 am »
Probably less management speak but my industry has become full of buzzwords.   As an example this in a publication this morning :-

"Smart energy hub and green energy sharing platform Verv has raised over £6.5mn in Series A funding. The company said on Wednesday 10 April that £5mn of the funding was provided by environmental fund Earthworm. Other investors include Centrica, InnoEnergy and Crowdcube. Verv said that it has sought to drive down household electricity bills and carbon emissions by 20% by establishing a global network of smart hubs. Its energy metering, analytics and renewable energy trading platform, based on AI and blockchain technology, is designed to enable millions to reduce their energy consumption and provide increased accessibility to green energy."

I think if they could squeeze in 'machine learning' and 'disruptor' they'd be there.

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #594 on: April 12, 2019, 11:14:42 am »
Blockchain guff seems to be dying down (it used to be every day my inbox was full of people purporting to solve some made-up problem through their application of blockchain).

Now it's just AI-this, AI-that. It's not fucking AI anyway, at best it's some shoddy machine-learning algorithms dropped on a shitty dataset. Crap-in, crap-out.
!nataS pihsroW

fboab

  • It's a fecking serious business, riding a bike
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #595 on: April 12, 2019, 11:34:59 am »
So basically, what they say is true!

Quote
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.

...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...

I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.
TSS is not Total Sex Score, Chris!

mattc

  • n.b. have grown beard since photo taken
    • Didcot Audaxes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #596 on: April 12, 2019, 11:41:51 am »
and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.

As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-

(There is some crazy shit in there.)
Has never ridden RAAM
---------
No.11  Because of the great host of those who dislike the least appearance of "swank " when they travel the roads and lanes. - From Kuklos' 39 Articles

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #597 on: April 12, 2019, 11:46:11 am »
So basically, what they say is true!

Quote
***** is a special carrier oil. ***** uses a unique technique of an award-winning Brassica Napus
Seed Oil and natural ***, leading to the perfect natural extraction with reliable stability through a
purification process by ****. Herbal infusions of ***** can serve as an effective skin conditioning agent,
as well as ensuring consumers’ full natural experiences.

...and it's also a great big mountain of farm waste...

I miss blockchain bollocks. It's better than this guff.

Ah, "Brassica Napus Seed Oil" sounds sooooooo much better than, um, rapeseed or mustard oil  ::-)
We are making a New World (Paul Nash, 1918)

ian

  • fatuously disingenuous
    • The Suburban Survival Guide
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #598 on: April 12, 2019, 11:56:54 am »
and then zapping with ultra-ultrasonic waves (I guess that qualifies as megasonic)
No it doesn't, sorry.

As well as failing on logic/science terms, it isn't on this (ridiculously long) list: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_words_prefixed_with_mega-

(There is some crazy shit in there.)

It does, megasonic is, it seems, actual science (I think our machine was a high-frequency ultrasonicalizer or somesuch):

Quote
Ultrasonic cleaning uses lower frequencies; it produces random cavitation. Megasonic cleaning uses higher frequencies at and above 1000 kHz; it produces controlled cavitation

Anyway it was a method of breaking apart the membranes inside cells, particularly the endoplasmic reticulum and golgi, which are quite small and thus benefit from creating teeny little cavitation events within. Then the megasonically freed nucleotides and their precursors would dissolve in the acid-Freon so you could run them through a C18 reverse phase column, ready for characterization.

I'm available for after-dinner speaking events, weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs.
!nataS pihsroW

mattc

  • n.b. have grown beard since photo taken
    • Didcot Audaxes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #599 on: April 12, 2019, 12:10:08 pm »
Well, you've convinced me! I'll get onto those idiots at Wiki ...
Has never ridden RAAM
---------
No.11  Because of the great host of those who dislike the least appearance of "swank " when they travel the roads and lanes. - From Kuklos' 39 Articles