Author Topic: A Nice Hot Cup of Fail (part one)  (Read 1102 times)


  • Quiet please
A Nice Hot Cup of Fail (part one)
« on: July 15, 2008, 08:16:53 pm »

It may not look it, but this Siemens/Porsche coffee machine is the Worst Coffee Machine in the World.  It is a truimph of styling over functionality:  "Design" as only marketroids understand it, where functionality is sacrificed for "woo, shiny."  How can it be so bad?  Well...

It has two jugs, one for water and one for coffee.  Totally unnecessary, as anyone with a regular drip filter machine knows.  The coffee jug is a glass vacuum flask, so you can't just slosh out the old coffee and add cold water to take to the machine: the glass would crack.  So you have to take both.  Presumably, being a Porsche design, you have staff who open the doors for you.  Or staff who make coffee for you, the poor unlucky bastards.

But it gets worse.  It has two modes!  What for?  "Some" and "all" apparently - a feature rendered irrelevant when we're all savvy enough to use a half jug for half a jug of coffee (of course, unlike these steel jobbies, our dull old glass jugs let us see how much we've got).  So it's a button that has two modes: "satisfy" and "disappoint".  Wow, thanks for the opportunity to screw up.  Do these guys work for Microsoft?

But it gets yet worse!  The vacuum jug is, as you can see, totally opaque.  Sure, it looks like Boba Fett's codpiece but you can't tell by looking whether or not there's any freaking coffee in it!  Guess what: no cutout, so if you accidentally run more coffee into it because you couldn't see the coffee for all that steel wank, it will sluice all over your floor, computer, carpet, and that really expensive printer you've borrowed from the Xerox rep.

And there's a sealing lid (because with no hotplate you need to keep the heat in) so if you manage to traverse this caffeinated minefield without breaking anything, electrocuting yourself or just falling weeping against the wall,  you still can't get the godsdamned stuff out!  Luckily this overstyled failboat is docked on a cow-orker's desk, not mine.  Because if it was mine, I'd throw it out the window.

Has anyone got a worse coffee machine?