Your house rules

[Kim]

15. Do not touch Charlotte's feet.  Ever.

Oh, I like that one.  I have similar, but don't think of it as a rule so much as an important survival tactic for those around me.  My ex made the mistake of experimentally tweaking my toes when I was asleep once.  I woke up, confused, to the howls of pain after they got kicked in the face.

[Justin(e)]

I woke up, confused, to the howls of pain after they got kicked in the face.

They?  How many were there?

[Justin(e)]

23. No wristwatches in bed

I know the chances of me ending up in Charlottes bed are vanishingly small due to:

• Age
• Lack of geographic proximity
• Gender
• I'm happily married
• FEAR !!!!

but no wristwatches in bed, WTF is that one about ?

If wristwatches means what I think it means then OUCH.

But

26. Seriously.  Shut the lid before you flush.

I have see this elsewhere.  I just assumed the matron of the house was loopy.  Is there a logic to this one?

[clarion]

aerosols, I'm guessing

[Kim]

I woke up, confused, to the howls of pain after they got kicked in the face.

They?  How many were there?

One.  That's their preferred gender-neutral pronoun.

[Kim]

I have see this elsewhere.  I just assumed the matron of the house was loopy.  Is there a logic to this one?

I believe the ^_SCIENCE supports it.  And some toilets do have a particularly splashy flush.

I'm lazy and have enough trouble with poo that aerosols barely come into it, though.  It would make some sense for us from a poor-aim-when-throwing-socks-at-the-laundry-box perspective, but as I say, I'm lazy.

[mrcharly-YHT]

*lightbulb*

Me too, eventually. I lead a sheltered life ....

I have no idea what you two are thinking about, but seriously, wristwatches in bed do not mix well with long hair.

[why1040]

In the house of Chris:

1.) always put the lid down before flushing.  There is even a sign on the loo since I have clients and guests regularly.  Seriously, have you seen the research on aerosols of contents during flushing?  I keep my TOOTHBRUSH in there FGS!   

2.) no smoking in the house.  Since I don't smoke, this seems only fair.  I have provided ashtrays both at the front and at the back, but it'd be nice if the smoker who's used them emptied them.  That hasn't happened for a long time, so they're currently rather grotty.

3.) Astra stays downstairs unless in the process of being bathed.

4.) if you want tea, either ask or feel free to make your own.  I don't automatically offer as I don't drink much of it myself and am one of those foreign weirdoes-I simply don't think of it

5.) if you get up before me, feel free to let Astra out for a pee if you go downstairs.  Just try to remember to let her back in again...   

6.) it's my house and my mess.  If you feel the need to criticise, feel free to remove yourself from my presence ¹

7.) homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, or otherwise offensive language will not be tolerated.


¹ There's a reason my mother hasn't been invited to my house for about 7 years...

[Julian]

*lightbulb*

Me too, eventually. I lead a sheltered life ....

I have no idea what you two are thinking about, but seriously, wristwatches in bed do not mix well with long hair.

Indeed.  Nothing more depraved than that, I promise.    I didn't care when I had short hair, but now it's longer, Charlotte can't put her arm round me without taking a wodge of my hair out by the roots.  This may be due to her preferred model of TACTICAL wristwatch.

[Wascally Weasel]

1. Take us as you find us.  No matter how horrible, messy and disgusting this is.
2. The ordinary teabags go in the tin marked Jasmine Tea.
3. I am banned from doing my ‘Dirty Jimmy’ Jimmy Savile impression (this was true even prior to recent revelations).
4. The big teacan has got Earl Grey teabags in, but they are the last of the good ones that Sainsbury’s don’t do anymore so leave them alone please.
5. Ms Weasel’s coffee goes in the can in the fridge.
6. I am never to tell the ‘Moisty in a box’ story again, or in general to relate any more anecdotes about Scary Dave.
7. All keys once used must be returned to the Security Duck.
8. I must clean all rusty armour footprints off the bathmat after use.
9. No swords in the bedroom.
10. The top shelf of the fridge is for beer.
11. Hoovering should be done once every six months whether it needs it to be done or not.
12. When Ms Weasel’s bike chain starts squeaking like the small toy duck then it needs oiling.
13. Please smoke outside, no not right outside the open window.
14. Don’t let your dog crap on the drive/pavement/street right outside my house because if I see you do it, I will follow you down the street, give you a bag and make you collect it up. Or threaten to pick up myself and stick it up your rectum if you don’t.
15. The local Wood Pigeons are banned from nesting in the small fir trees out back but unfortunately they are too stupid to know this, so every summer we are subjected to the squeals of their broods being eated to death by the local cat population.
16. I am banned from fire breathing when incredibly drunk if I want to retain my beard and facial skin.
17. Don’t expect to see any chocolate alive again unless I have been given express orders not to eat it.
18. Please don’t use my special duck mug.
19. When knocking the top off a champagne bottle with a sword, be sure to point the bottle at the fir tree rather than the neighbours garden.

There must be more but that’s all I can currently recall.

[barakta]

15. Do not touch Charlotte's feet.  Ever.

Oh, I like that one.  I have similar, but don't think of it as a rule so much as an important survival tactic for those around me.  My ex made the mistake of experimentally tweaking my toes when I was asleep once.  I woke up, confused, to the howls of pain after they got kicked in the face.

Surely not touching people without explicit consent is so obvious as not to need a specific rule? Ask first!

I forgot one :
* Don't use cat mugs for tea (except the one which is mine, but assume all aren't) else barakta will have to do extra careful washing up to return them to a state of "not contaminated by evil tea". 

[matthew]

don't expect the cook to wash up.

this works well as Dad does the washing up and he only cooks if he is the only person eating.

[Tim Hall]

19. When knocking the top off a champagne bottle with a sword, be sure to point the bottle at the fir tree rather than the neighbours garden.

Surely that's in the same set as celery and Phil bloody Collins.

(as it happens I quite like celery)

[BrianI]

don't expect the cook to wash up.

this works well as Dad does the washing up and he only cooks if he is the only person eating.

Hence why I tend to have large piles of washing up most days.  Living alone means one is the cheif cook, bottle washer, bath washer, washing washer etc etc etc.....

[Basil]

Basil's house rules.
 
Bournville.
1. Don't piss me off.
 
Waunifor.
1. Don't piss me off.
2. Don't do that walking in without knocking calling "halloo" thing.

[Marco Stefano]

1. Wait until Marco has settled to:

watch Moto GP
read
listen to music
start interminable DIY project that he hates
polish & fawn over his bicycles
giggle at this thread or the one about stuffed animals & Post-It notes ('arse biscuits' gets me every time)
anything else that he has looked forward to for any length of time
etc.

 before interrupting him with innumerable 'can you just...' requests involving:

computers their users' incompetence (I deal with my own incompetence enough)
other householders' bicycles
driving teenagers around
money 'lending'
cooking marathons
email proof-reading
etc.

2. Marco is the only one who can wash up properly.
3. Juan is only admitted when armed with a bag of beer bottles or some strange Spanish drink that only he likes (actually, I think that might be one of his rules).
4. Mrs Marco has an apparent filing system that defies description or replication.
5. We are watching rugby. You will have to wait or do it yourself.

[Mrs Pingu]

No 2. Yes.

[perpetual dan]

After flushing please check that whatever you left has gone. You're allowed to lift the lid to do this.
We take our shoes off on the way in, but mostly because that's more comfortable. If your shoes are clean, do what you like.
The laundry and dishwasher go on at night if possible.
Don't leave clothes all over the floor (more of a guideline that one, the others don't follow it).
Don't try and get me up for breakfast before 6:30.

[Eccentrica Gallumbits]

No smoking in the flat. Be gentle when you shut the cupboard door or the overdoor shelves will fall off and I will make you pick it all up and put it back. Don't leave wet dishes drying on the worktop, it'll get into the joins and lift the wood.

I live alone though.

Also:

No touching of my belly-button. At all. Ever.

Washing-up to be done and stacked on the drainer in this order: glasses, mugs, crockery, chopping board, cutlery, pans. Everything to be stacked in such a way that gravity encourages the water to run off the things rather than pool on or in them.

Toilet lid to be down unless toilet is in use.

No Kylie, no The Smiths. No liver.  You can have meat but I'm not cooking it.

[Arch]

Re: the shoes thing. Our family never had a rule about removing shoes. Indeed, we were not supposed to walk about in only socks. I suspect this means our socks were worth than our rented house carpets.

I don't really have any rules. MFWHTBAB has several, all of which are reasonable, and I try to remember!  Fortunately for me, these include things like "I'm fussy about how the laundry/washing up is done, so I'll do it".  Suits me!

[clarion]

I have loads of rules.

I also share my house with my kids, which means most of them get broken.

*sigh*

[Clare]

We have a shoes off rule but that's because we live next door to Petersfield Heath and it's the only way to keep the sand content down and therefore the vacuuming requirement.

[PaulF]

I have loads of rules.

I also share my house with my kids, which means most of them get broken.

*sigh*

You have a rule to break your kids I'm all for a little bit of discipline but isn't that taking it a bit far?

[Fab Foodie]

OK, having just cooked a dinner with Mrs FF I'm reminded of another important rule which is - leave me and my stuff the fuck alone when i'm cooking 
She has some kind of OCD when it comes to 'clearing-up' when I'm in the kitchen, all of a sudden ingredients I get out are back in cupboards, utensils I'm using get washed/dishwashered when I need them again, f'in drives me nuts.  I'm perfectly capable of dealing with these things when I've finished with them thanks.

[Jaded]

I just remind them that as I am cooking I am in charge of the sharp stabby things.

That usually clears the kitchen.