Emboldened by my recent viewing of "Spectre" I decided to revisit the previous offerings featuring D. Craig as Bond James Bond. First up:
Casino RoyaleBilled as the reboot of the the Bond James Bond franchise with fewer gadgets and more gritty realism. Oh.
J Random Moviegoer | So, Cosmo, is "Casino Royale" any good, then? |
Cosmo Larringsman | No. No, it is not. |
JRM: | Pray elucidate! |
CL: | It. Is. Glacially. Slow. And Bond James Bond spends more time changing his shirt than he does killing baddies utterly to DETH. And he has a lovely shiny new Aston which he wrecks the first time he drives it and, moreover, does so somewhere which is recognisably Millbrook rather than Montenegro. And the helichopter content is low indeed. And D. Craig was plucked from his ancestral home in the heart of the New Forest to play the lead. You can take the boy out of the woods but, at least in his case, you can't subsequently turn him into anything other than a Chippendale wardrobe. And he's got funny ears. |
JRM: | There must be some good bits, surely? |
CL: | That Vesper Lynd is a dashed pretty gel though the scenes with her slinking around Venice in a red dress were possibly too clever for their own good. A bendy-bus gets killed utterly to DETH. And Dame Judi is a wonderful 'M', though Dame Judi would be a wonderful statue, even with no lines. Or head. |
JRM: | So, not recommended then? |
CL: | All Bond James Bond films must be watched at least once, even the dire ones from the latter end of R. Moore's tenure1. D. Craig is a better Bond James Bond than R. Moore and probably T. Dalton ["Who he?" - Ed.] but this is one to be rewatched only at Christmas, with a bellyful of turkey, a large glass of Posh Drink and a lap filled with walnut shells. |
JRM: | Gee, thanks, Cosmo! |
CL: | You're welcome! |
Here endeth the first lesson. Now part two the second, with guest reviewers Doctor N. Bohr and Professor B. Cox:
Quantum Of SolaceBond is Back! More
git grit! More realism! More, er, well, let's just watch the movie, eh? Car chase. Good start. Oh, he's bent the Aston! [...] Up grams theme song. J. White & A. Keys.
Professor B. Cox: | Ooh, Jack White! I was in a band once! |
| (Action cuts to Siena) |
BC: | Ooh, France! I been there! |
| (Action cuts to London) |
BC: | Ooh, London! It's rubbish. Manchester's loads better! |
| (Action cuts to Haiti) |
BC: | Haiti's rubbish. Puerto Rico's loads better! They've got a brilliant telescope! |
| (Bond James Bond rocks up in a boat) |
BC: | Ha ha! Look at his hair! He looks like a hedgehog! |
| (Action cuts to a production of Tosca in Austria) |
BC: | Opera's rubbish, isn't it? I was in a band once! |
Dr N. Bohr: | Was that the speed of light2 on that neon sign? |
| (Action cuts to Bolivia) |
BC: | Ooh, Bolivia! I went there once. I had a big helichopter, and sat on top of a mountain! Chile's loads better, though. It's got telescopes! |
NB: | Taxi drivers, eh! |
BC: | Did he say "Damaged Goods"? Wasn't that the Gang Of Four? I was in a band once! |
| (Action cuts to London again. 'M' is getting grief from a The FOREIGN Secretary.) |
NB: | Ah, policy-based evidence making! |
| (Action cuts back to Bolivia) |
NB: | More bloody Fords! Can you say "product placement"? |
| (Action cuts to Russia) |
BC: | Ooh, Russia! I been there! But they threw me out coz I wouldn't wear a furry hat. It hid my hair. |
| (End credits roll) |
BC: | They asked me to play Bond James Bond. But they said I'd have to have a haircut. |
NB: | Quantum Of Solace? Quantum Of Bollocks, more like! Not a single mention of superposition! |
BC: | Buy one of my DVDs instead. Loads more helichopters! |
Summary: Better than "Casino Royale" - much more biff an' 'splosions an' killin's. That Camille is a dashed pretty gel. And Dame Judi is teh aces, but then you knew that.
Have I got time to watch "Skyfall" before the rugby starts? Yes. Yes, I have:
SkyfallSoft! What is that whining noise oozing from the speakers? Oh, it's Adele.
The late Bond James Bond shows up in M's gaff disguised as a coal-heaving pikey and things go steadily downhill from there. 'Q' is Nathan Barley's idiot sidekick Pingu. Suddenly! Nothing happens! And it keeps on not happening. Mostly. And the DB5 has been changed to RHD since "Casino Royale".
There were some helichopters. And some top fire-extinguisher work by 007. Did I mention that E. Moneypenny is a dashed pretty gel? Dame Judi ect. ect. Shame she gets killed utterly to
DETH at the end, after A. Finney has stolen what's left of the film.
D. Craig's facial expressions were by Grinling Gibbons.
ConclusionThe D. Craig Bond James Bond films make a lot more sense when viewed as a story arc rather than standalone items, and are arguably a good deal less rubbish
3 when treated thus. Cosmo Larringsman: watching bad movies so you don't have to.
1: "For Your Eyes Only", ITV1, 16:15 today. Don't do it, kids!
2: Yes. Yes, it was.
3: Except "Skyfall", which is a Rubbish.