Fifty shades of Grey
It took me an improbably long time to realise that someone had made a film of it. I thought the interweb was full of people still ranting about the book.
I'm not terribly inclined to watch it. I'm no literature snob but when I see the words 'Twilight fan fiction' I'm scared. And my most successful writing job was distilling high grade smut in that brief time before the internet started to feature pictures. Now, perhaps I had a more erudite audience, but I think they were too impatient, because trust me, erotica it wasn't. I did watch
Twilight and it was pretty much two hours of my life for which I'm awaiting a refund. I did have the misfortune to read some of 50 Shades (and, well, why is not 256 Shades of Grey?) over the shoulder of guy next to me on a flight from Newark to LA. As he was about 80 it was in size 72 font on his kindle so every time I glanced over I saw something like
buttplug up her tightor
sampled her wet chasmNow, I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to spend five hours of economy class intimacy with an aroused geriatric.
So, yeah, I'll be skipping the movie experience. Mind you, as a positive, you remember my charity campaign to follow on from Movember and Dry January – Let's Lube for Lent. Well, hopefully the movie is encouraging everyone to get kitted out with the finest rear-end stoppers and large quantities of water-based personal lubricants, so let's make it a month that's hard to forget.