Author Topic: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows  (Read 21653 times)

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #25 on: 26 April, 2014, 09:45:44 am »
MY best one so far was:

I am sorry - but you are saying that you have been able to acess my computer and spot a windows problem

Yes

Ahh... that causes a problem.


Yes - that is why I have contacted you

NO... that CAUSES a problem. My name is Captain Anthony Carruthers-Smythe and this is a secure MOD computer.

Sorry

You have just informed me that you have accessed an MOD secure computer which is an offence under the Official Secrets Act and carries a 6 month custodial sentence

Silence (apart from whispering in the background)

I need your details immediately as we will need to impound your computer to see how you hacked an MOD system

Hung up for some reason

Vince

  • Can't climb; won't climb
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #26 on: 29 April, 2014, 10:34:40 pm »
*Like*
216km from Marsh Gibbon

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #27 on: 01 May, 2014, 10:27:40 am »
And I am still getting three calls a day on average from these idiots. You would think by now they would have realized I am not going to fall for it.
Yes. I'm getting about two a day at the moment, at about the same times. Weird that they carry on.
"A woman on a bicycle has all the world before her where to choose; she can go where she will, no man hindering." The Type-Writer Girl, 1897

Cudzoziemiec

  • Eating all the pies and drinking all the tea.
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #28 on: 04 June, 2014, 12:50:50 pm »
I just had a phone call from a number I didn't recognise.

Hello?
Pause.
Recorded voice, female, similar to a R4 announcer: Please listen carefully to the following information. Due to recent legislation, those with unsecured debts of £5000 or more -

At this point I hung up.
(yeah, disappointing)
Riding a bike through a city is like navigating the collective neural pathways of a vast global mind.

Vince

  • Can't climb; won't climb
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #29 on: 04 June, 2014, 01:00:48 pm »
I had one last week.

SW: I'm from windows support
Me: How can I help you?
SW starts usual ramble.
Me: One moment, let me put you through to our IT department
Puts the phone down on the stairs and wanders out to the kitchen to chat with Mrs Wunja, returns to find SW still waiting
Me: Hello, IT department.
SW: We are noticing unusual blah blah
Me: I think we can help you with that, but it's a chargeable service. We are certified in all the operating systems
SW: I'm certified with windows
Me: So we are better than you then
Puts phone down
216km from Marsh Gibbon

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #30 on: 04 June, 2014, 03:08:58 pm »
I had one a few weeks ago. I fired up an Ubuntu VM and kept him occupied for about 10 minutes trying to figure out why the .exe he told me to download wouldn't run.

I had another this morning, but I quickly got bored and after letting him go into detail about how my Windows computer was infected, told him I was using a Mac and he was obviously a scammer.

Next time I think I'll pretend I'm using an Amiga 500. "Press the key to the right of Ctrl..." "What, Caps Lock?"

My 95-year-old great aunt, who has never owned a computer, gets them a lot. They always disbelieve her when she tells them she doesn't have a computer.

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #31 on: 04 June, 2014, 06:05:55 pm »
I'd take the opportunity to tell Mr Simon Watson that Windows 8 sucks and monkeys fly out of its butt and they suck.
And Darkness and Decay and the Coronavirus held illimitable dominion over all.

red marley

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #32 on: 04 June, 2014, 08:29:09 pm »
If I'm working at home during the week, I get maybe two or three of these calls a day. It's a real pain.

When I occasionally have time on my hands, I try, through innocent queries, get them to claim they are from Microsoft rather than just "technical department of Windows". I'm sure their script specifically avoids such claims explicitly, but they usually fall for this when they try to ad lib. After that point I say that the call has been recorded and that they can expect to hear from my lawyers shortly. This usually results in some swearing on Mr Simon Watson's part, or a comical claim that I have been wasting their time.

Pointless I know, but a tiny bit satisfying.

Rhys W

  • I'm single, bilingual
    • Cardiff Ajax
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #33 on: 04 June, 2014, 11:01:04 pm »
I heard a good one today - ask them where they're calling from, they inevitably say Manchester. Then say you used to live/work there, what part etc.

Say that it has been recorded but don't mention lawyers, say it will be on youtube in a couple of hours!


Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #34 on: 05 June, 2014, 08:19:20 pm »
These b******* got hold of my 75 year old mother a couple of months ago.
Kept her on the phone for an hour, really scared her, she said they 'knew a lot about her computer'.
Fortunately they targeted the one provided by the council which is as locked down as it can be without full disk encryption and not the one I look after for her.
B*******!
"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch."

Vince

  • Can't climb; won't climb
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #35 on: 07 June, 2014, 11:47:28 pm »
Today a much shorter conversation, having had to put down something I was working on and get to the phone.
SW: Hello I'm from the support department of w...
Me: Just F*** off

216km from Marsh Gibbon

Thor

  • Super-sonnicus idioticus
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #36 on: 09 June, 2014, 11:06:14 am »
I had been feeling quite left out until today when I received one of these calls at my in-laws'.

Managed to keep the call going for ten minutes or so, at the end of which I was asked why I was wasting his time (!),  then he called me a rude name before ringing off.  And we'd been having such a nice chat!
It was a day like any other in Ireland, only it wasn't raining

Rhys W

  • I'm single, bilingual
    • Cardiff Ajax
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #37 on: 19 June, 2014, 07:28:51 pm »
Hmmm... Just had a somewhat worrying one - "Jason" from Mumbai knew my name and address. I asked several times how they knew it but of course the reply was always "when you registered with Microsoft". Anybody else had this?

I went through the motions for a while but lost interest and when he asked me to turn on my computer on and tell him what I saw on the screen. He put the phone down when I said "a big Apple logo".

tonycollinet

  • No Longer a western province of Númenor
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #38 on: 19 June, 2014, 07:32:31 pm »
A billion different mailing lists will have your name and address on.

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #39 on: 05 September, 2014, 11:30:12 am »
His colleague Janice from the Security department of Windows has just called.   These are such lovely people appearing to be genuinely concerned for me and my poorly pooter.   

Pity that she put the phone down when I asked her if she was calling from Micro$haft!

Vince

  • Can't climb; won't climb
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #40 on: 05 September, 2014, 11:43:44 am »
It's odd that they are trying to rip you off, but they won't lie and claim to be Microwotsit
216km from Marsh Gibbon

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #41 on: 08 September, 2014, 08:48:56 am »
We have just started getting these calls. The big joke is that they are calling a french number (that they must know is a french number) while being incapable of speaking french (so I insist on speaking french when they know I don't have to). The last time it was a woman and my wife answered. Wasting their time there... she doesn't speak english!!!

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #42 on: 09 September, 2014, 03:25:01 pm »
Four calls so far today from these muppets.
I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that.

contango

  • NB have not grown beard since photo was taken
  • The Fat And The Furious
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #43 on: 09 September, 2014, 04:17:25 pm »
I had been feeling quite left out until today when I received one of these calls at my in-laws'.

Managed to keep the call going for ten minutes or so, at the end of which I was asked why I was wasting his time (!),  then he called me a rude name before ringing off.  And we'd been having such a nice chat!

During one of my calls with these nice people I'd kept stringing him along for 25 minutes when I heard a voice in the background saying "the customer's taking you for a fool". So naturally I acted most offended and pointed out that he called me to help with my issues and I didn't like being kept waiting for a solution for so long only to be called a fool.

Over the course of the next several minutes I let him go through the motions of pacifying me until we got to the "turn on your computer" part. I typed in the web site he told me to go to, read the error message that Firefox couldn't find the web site (I may have accidentally unplugged my router before going that far), so he asked whether I had dialup or broadband internet access.

When I told him I didn't have internet access at all and went to the library to get online he hung up.

It's strangely satisfying to use time I didn't expect to have available to wind up the scammers. That call ran to just over half an hour, which was a new personal best for me. Although for this one my wife didn't have to leave the room due to laughing uncontrollably....
Always carry a small flask of whisky in case of snakebite. And, furthermore, always carry a small snake.

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #44 on: 12 September, 2014, 10:09:32 pm »
A Few Apples Short of a Strudel

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #45 on: 13 September, 2014, 11:17:28 am »
I've just wound up 3 of them.
I just had call saying my computer was generating error warnings over the last couple of months.
I asked for a date so I could check my logs as I'm just back from holiday and wanted to know if it was from before or after was away.
They kept trying to get back onto the script and I kept asking for a date so I could check my logs as to what I was doing that day.
I was passed through 3 people until I was told to go forth and multiply .......  ;D

Wowbagger

  • Sylph
    • Musings of a Gentleman Cyclist
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #46 on: 14 October, 2014, 10:07:39 am »
Slightly OT, but another form of spam.

In recent weeks I have received a succession of emails from Sally Weston, a Water Pricing Specialist from a company calling itself "Water Audit Services". She is continually reminding me of the importance of water economy to the Southern Counties' Chess Union.

I can't actually recall ever having had an official position on the SCCU - possibly I controlled a few tournaments for them - so I'm a little surprised to be receiving emails of any kind. Added to that, SCCU is a notional organisation. It has no premises. Its officials meet rarely. The purpose of its existence is so that inter-county chess can take place in Southern England. It, quite literally, doesn't have a pot to piss in because it doesn't need one, and it therefore follows that targetting the SCCU with adverts for water economy is inaccurate indeed.

They would probably have more success selling tractors to Ipswich Chess Club.
Bach without a doubt.

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #47 on: 10 November, 2014, 10:58:40 am »
He has become Miss and has moved to Mexico.

Enjoyed a ten minute chat before she sussed and cut me off.    :D

Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #48 on: 10 November, 2014, 11:29:08 pm »
disapointed Ryan from windows hung up on me today, he  started by saying your windows has been reporting errors so I asked was it Coral or Everest windows  :facepalm: at which point hesaid ugh & hung up, the call only lasted about a minute

contango

  • NB have not grown beard since photo was taken
  • The Fat And The Furious
Re: Mr Simon Watson fron the technical department of Windows
« Reply #49 on: 10 November, 2014, 11:55:27 pm »

One of my favourites is when they tell me my computer has viruses I say something like "ah yes, I downloaded 20GB of hardcore porn and the computer hasn't been the same since. Could my computer have picked up an STD?"

They generally don't seem to know whether to disbelieve their good luck that someone might fall for the coming scam, or disbelieve their bad luck that someone rumbled them already.
Always carry a small flask of whisky in case of snakebite. And, furthermore, always carry a small snake.