Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 105717 times)

ian

  • not a woman, not an american, not a vampire
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #700 on: 20 October, 2020, 10:17:01 am »
That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes.  Call it a Brexit Bonus.

We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.
Authoritarian Thought Leader, the Pol Pot of Powerpoint, the Stalin of Spreadsheets

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #701 on: 20 October, 2020, 10:20:27 am »
That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes.  Call it a Brexit Bonus.

We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.

In the inevitable post-Brexit shortages we may have to eat PHBs too.  On the whole rats appear more appetising.
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

fuzzy

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #702 on: 20 October, 2020, 10:52:13 am »
That would lead to a massive surge in the unemployment figures, at least until the layers of PHBs can be repurposed as sprout pickers, baristas, unicorn wranglers and wipers of OAPs' bottoms in care homes.  Call it a Brexit Bonus.

We did, under a prior regime, tentative cull some management layers. Then in the most recent regime change we added them back x2, so we're back with the millefeuille school of management. But at least you can eat a millefeuille.

In the inevitable post-Brexit shortages we may have to eat PHBs too.  On the whole rats appear more appetising.

Onna stick? Inna bun?

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #703 on: 22 December, 2020, 03:48:55 pm »
"Please protocol this request at your earliest convenience".


TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #704 on: 22 December, 2020, 04:13:11 pm »
Ermm.  What does that _mean_?  Does it mean _anything_?
Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

ElyDave

  • Royal and Ancient Polar Bear Society member 263583
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #705 on: 22 December, 2020, 06:00:24 pm »
“Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” –Charles Dickens

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #706 on: 22 December, 2020, 06:54:55 pm »
An ex-colleague used to tell the story of trying to order fairly ordinary PCs for the RAF. They had to be completely specified, model, version, disk size, memory, the whole lot.
By the time the procurement process had ground its weary way to a conclusion, the vendors no longer sold a machine to that spec. And the RAF were not allowed to buy the replacement, which was either better or cheaper or both.  :facepalm:
They did get the process changed eventually.

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch."

Auntie Helen

  • 6 Wheels in Germany
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #707 on: 03 July, 2021, 01:21:37 pm »
My partner tells me that in their company, when discussing marketing of new products they are strongly advised not to go in for "feature fucking".
My blog on cycling in Germany and eating German cake – http://www.auntiehelen.co.uk


quixoticgeek

  • Mostly Harmless
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #708 on: 05 July, 2021, 07:03:07 pm »

How to tell a company doesn't have any British employees... Yep they really did pick that name...

https://twitter.com/noncefinance/status/1412079348861923328

J
--
Beer, bikes, and backpacking
http://b.42q.eu/

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #709 on: 06 July, 2021, 10:57:53 pm »
Talking of names, it looks like Agile has finally caught up with our geriatric team. Oops. Sorry, that's an inappropriate term. I should have said geriatric 'squad'. We have to choose a name for ourselves, so I insouciantly suggested 'Mainframe apps support team squad' (it's what we do), but was told that that would pigeon-hole us. There are 6 of us, ave age around 62, so we're highly unlikely to be be learning new tricks, and are all happy to be pigeon-holed. Our boss, under pressure to play the game, suggested 'cliffhangers' to reflect a) that we're mostly just hanging on, metaphorically, and b) our business have been unsuccesful, despite trying for 16 years, in replacing our apps with something more up-to-date, and are consequently driving off that same cliff edge. It went to a vote. 6-1 for my suggestion, but we're now called the 'Cliffhangers squad' (which - I pointed out, rather pigeon-holes us).

ian

  • not a woman, not an american, not a vampire
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #710 on: 07 July, 2021, 09:56:31 am »
I called my two squads strange and charm, which considering their quantum progress at the moment, seems apt. It does mean we have a weekly strange refinement.
Authoritarian Thought Leader, the Pol Pot of Powerpoint, the Stalin of Spreadsheets

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #711 on: 07 July, 2021, 10:07:00 am »

How to tell a company doesn't have any British employees... Yep they really did pick that name...

https://twitter.com/noncefinance/status/1412079348861923328

J
My daughter, who has a First in English,  used to provide some translation/proof reading services for companies in Hong Kong. Oddly, some companies insisted that their English versions were correct, despite colloquial gaffes being highlighted in translation.
Get a bicycle. You will never regret it, if you live- Mark Twain

Cudzoziemiec

  • Моя планета голубая, я люблю тебя и обнимаю
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #712 on: 10 August, 2021, 02:55:24 pm »
This doesn't quite qualify for this thread, but I've just heard (from management) an occasion on which the whole team went for lunch together described as "a lunch retreat".
Riding a bike through a city is like navigating the collective neural pathways of a vast global mind.

TheLurker

  • Goes well with magnolia.
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #713 on: 11 August, 2021, 05:48:11 pm »
Today. On the telephone to colleague.

Me.  I dunno what this bit {insert technical waffle here} does.  Any ideas?
Colleague.  Ermm no.  I'll ask $othercolleague when I touch base with him.
Me.  Do you mean, "Talk to."?
Colleague.  "Christ! I'm talking 'Management Bollocks'. Shoot me now!"

I laughed.


Τα πιο όμορφα ταξίδια γίνονται με τις δικές μας δυνάμεις - Φίλοι του Ποδήλατου

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #714 on: 18 September, 2021, 12:09:48 pm »
Word of the week at my virtual work Huddle = get back in the brick & mortar office and meet people fact to face.

Sounds a bit worryingly like cuddle and I've never met most of my colleagues in real life before  ::-)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #715 on: 27 September, 2021, 11:06:28 am »
I just sat through an hours briefing on a new QA system that's being developed at work. Moderately useful to know, but I nearly missed it because it was advertised as a 'Show and Tell' - they were lucky I bothered to read the Email.  :facepalm:
Life is too important to be taken seriously.

John Stonebridge

  • Has never ridden Ower the Edge
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #716 on: 06 October, 2021, 11:13:42 am »
Announcement yesterday that Our Department [TM] would be merging with Another Department [TM] and that the boss of Another Department [TM] would be the new head honcho of The New Combined Department [TM]. 

Diligently, I went online to find out more about my new colleagues.   

OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning". 

FFS.   :hand:
   

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #717 on: 08 October, 2021, 12:04:05 am »


OMG its all "horizontal workstreams" "investment engine rooms" and (my favourite) "value driven roadmap planning". 

FFS.   :hand:
   

I can't begin to think what that is in normal speak.

B Ark?

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #718 on: 15 October, 2021, 06:23:47 pm »
On a different tangent, why do people I work with regularly refer to joining a video conference as dialling in?  What makes this most bizarre is that this is used by people too young to have used a telephone dial in real life?  ???

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #719 on: 15 October, 2021, 07:54:10 pm »
Because just before the zoom era Important Business was carried out by making an actual phone call to a conference call service, which you would do from an echoey meeting room and yell into an expensive plastic triangle in the middle of the table.

“Dialling” as the verb for making a phone call has long outlasted actual dials.

Kim

  • Timelord
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #720 on: 15 October, 2021, 10:49:58 pm »
On a related note, I noticed that the Ring-and-Ride service were using an ex-That-London Dial-a-Ride minibus (presumably not LEZ-compliant) the other day.

The alternative name amused me when I first moved to Brum, but if anything it makes slightly more sense.

Meanwhile, the term 'call' is synonymous with 'telephone call' to my generation. I had to point out that "we will call on you" meant in the old people turning-up-at-your-door sense when helping barakta fill in some form or other, and she was unaware of that usage.
Careful, Kim. Your sarcasm's showing...

Cudzoziemiec

  • Моя планета голубая, я люблю тебя и обнимаю
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #721 on: 16 October, 2021, 01:44:24 pm »
I think "call on" is distinct from "call" in that example.
Riding a bike through a city is like navigating the collective neural pathways of a vast global mind.

Marco Stefano

  • Apply some pressure, you lose some pressure...
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #722 on: 17 October, 2021, 12:07:00 pm »
Apparently, two coaches in our rowing club 'don't have the bandwidth to take this <coaching commitment> on'.

Yes, bandwidth. In a bloody rowing club. I thought retirement would end my exposure to this bollocks, but no.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #723 on: Today at 07:54:41 am »
"we will call on you"

and leave a "calling card".  No, not that kind of calling card.