A short while ago, I wrote a few articles for an on-line time trialling fanzine. Here's one that may amuse; written shortly after the
'London gets the 2012 games' announcement .... enjoy or be offended!
SAN DESPERADO ENTERS LONDON OLYMPICS
The newly formed small South American republic of San Desperado has committed itself to entering a team in the 2012 London Olympics. Despite the depletion of the male population, a team of eight men and one woman will compete in road and track cycling events.
Our intrepid ‘Testing Times’ reporter was fortunate enough to obtain an interview with their Head of Cycling, Señor Herman Ful Monté.
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TT – Señor Ful Monté, I understand that your president Generalé Elvis Las Végas himself will help in picking the cycling team. Will this not be difficult for him, as he seems to have no experience of the sport whatsoever?
HFM – Yes, my friend, it will not be easy. El Presidenté has eleven nephews, so some will be disappointed.
TT – I also understand that you will concentrate on winning a medal in the 4-up team 100-kilometre team time trial. How will you prepare for this?
HFM – Well, amigo, I have written to the IOC asking if they would change the event to a 3-up, but they’ve refused. So first of all, we will have to try and find a fourth bike!
Someone in your ‘Halfords’ has offered us one free of charge but we have declined - hey, even we have certain standards, you know!
Also, we have constructed a special cycling circuit but regrettably, the architect made a small mistake with the plans, so we have a 100-metre circuit.
Still, we did save much money on the tarmac and our chief medical doctor has prescribed anti-dizziness pills to the whole team.
TT – Oh dear, it’s such a shame about the circuit.
HFM – Yes, a shame indeed but just one of things, I guess. Let’s just say that the architect will now have lots of ‘time’ to read and understand the difference between metres and kilometres!
TT - I believe that you’re quite strict about discipline. Will any wives and girlfriends be travelling with the teams?
HFM – Well, my wife wants to come, as she understands that the security guards in your London department stores don’t carry guns.
Also, we had an argument the other night and she thinks that I fancy one of the female translators, so she has insisted on coming.
TT – Bearing in mind that the London 100k course is rather flat and that you will be competing against top continental teams, what gear will your riders be using?
HFM – Our beloved dictat ……. er, I mean democratically elected leader has generously donated some nice gear, such as T-shirts with ‘VIVA EL PRESIDENTÉ’ on the back. This will look good on TV if we are passed during the race!
TT – No, you misunderstand me – will your riders be using single chainrings and if so, what size?
HFM – No, amigo. All rings, chains and other jewellery must be left in the changing room, whatever the size. This is part of our strict dress code that also insists that sunglasses are worn at all times!
TT – I hear from my sources that you also have a lady that will hopefully give Victoria Pendleton a run for her money in the women’s sprint race.
HFM – Yes, my friend, you’ve heard about our little secret! Our own Juanita Ortiz is training especially hard for this.
TT – Is she any relation to Juan Ortiz, your national sprint champion?
HFM – Err, well, she used to be Juan Ortiz until last year – the operation was carried out by a South African doctor and went very well. She has now been re-classified by our senior physician, who is also a cousin of El Presidenté. We feel that Juanita has a good chance of a medal against Vee-kee Pendleton … well, far better than against Krees Hoy, you understand?
TT – I also hear that you have a strict policy of sex before a race. Is this permitted?
HFM – Well, you know, my friend, if there is a convenient spot in the changing room for such things! After all, we’re all men, are we not? …………………… oh, with one exception, of course!!
But yes, I have a strict policy. Any sex before a race must finish before the race starts. After all, we’re not all Mario Cippolinis, you understand?
TT - Señor Herman Ful Monté, thank you for allowing me this interview and I wish you success.
HFM – Viva Las Végas!!
