Irish joke of the year

[Welsh Man]

 
 
IRISH JOKE OF THE YEAR.
     
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
More. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
Draw it;

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all
Left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
We all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
Way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in
The bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
Says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his
Eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"
 
 
 
 
 

[Torslanda]

Two Irish guys are fishing on a lake when a bottle goes floating past. One of the guys fishes the bottle out with a landing net, uncorks it and, quick as a flash, out pops the genie with the three wishes routine.

The first guy says 'Can you turn all this into Guinness?'

Genie says 'Your wish is my command!' and instantly turns the lake into Guinness.

The second guy says 'Brian! What did you do that for? Now we'll have to piss in the boat!'

Told by Roy 'CatchPhrase' Walker on R4 this evening

luv'n'stuff

J

[delthebike]

Welsh man, torslanda, and sergeant pluck walk into a bar. sergeant pluck comes out. 

[Torslanda]

You can get stuffed if you think I'm walking into that kind of pub!

J

[Mike r]

I'm Irish and I appreciate good humour... these jokes are not good.

[Torslanda]

I never said it was any good.

It was, however, told by an Irishman on national radio.

This evening. And it was no worse than the first one posted.

Wish I'd never bleedin' bothered . . .

Sod it, I'm going to bed.

[Mike r]

I like this one

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

[PaulF]

Did a quick search and couldn't find anything so here goes:

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!

At 4A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers arrived and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was; "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time.

[clarion]

The only Irish joke that ever made me laugh was this one, coincidentally told me by an Irish lad.  It kinda depends on the accent to work, so might fall flat on its face written down.

An Irish labourer, Michael, was looking for work, and passed a building site advertising vacancies (this was a couple of years ago, OK).  He went to the site office and spoke the the Foreman.

Now, the Foreman was a bit of a bigot, and didn't like employing 'thick, lazy Paddies', but he was aware he could get into hot water if he just sent the man away, so he decided to ask the applicant a technical question he thought it'd be difficult to answer,

'Tell me, what is the difference between a joist and a girder?'

Michael pondered for a bit, looked at the ground, shuffled from foot to foot, and wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.

'Got him!' thought the Foreman.

But Michael cleared his throat and quietly answered,

'Ah, it's not something I'd know much about...'

The Foreman sat back in his chair, a smug smile on his face, but Michael continued,

'But sure didn't Joyce write Ulysses, whereas Goethe was the great German poet who wrote Faust?'

[Rhys W]

This was told to me by a friend, the punchline only works with a Northern Ireland accent...

Little boy comes home from school and asks his mother "can I have a dog?"
"Sure," says the mother, "what kind of dog would you like?"
"A coconut dog" says the little boy.
"A coconut dog? There's no such thing, son. What are you on about?"
"Yes there is" he says. "There are two dogs outside in the street, and one was trying to jump onto the back of the other. Dad said to the man next door  - 'Look at the coconut dog!'"

 

[bobb]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub. The landlord says "Is this some sort of joke?"

[Jezza]

A Dubliner and his wife were stopped for speeding in the Gaeltacht
"Cad is ainim duit?" said the garda
"Seán" the Dub replied
Agus do bheann?"
"Ford Transit"

I like that one

From Myles na Gopaleen:

Aigh no a mean thu ios so leasaigh dat thi slips in this clos, bhears a biord, and dos not smoc biocos obh de trobal obh straigeing a meaits. It is so long sins thi did an anasth dea's bhorc dat thi thincs 'manuil leabear' is de neim obh a Portuguis dicteitear.