Dull meetings: a warning

[Oscar's dad]

I wish to inform the world that I fail to understand why any business meeting need last more than an hour. 

Furthermore, I reserve the right to start behaving badly in any business meeting that lasts longer than 90 minutes. 

This would explain why, in the meeting that has just finished, I felt it necessary to use biscuits to ram home a point that the customer was stubbornly refusing to accept.

So world, you have been warned. Please take heed. Thank you.

[Zoidburg]

Did you grab hold of him and keep ramming biscuits down his throat until he gave in?

Like "waterboarding" but with hob-nobs?

[ChrisO]

Damn those customers. Life would be so much easier...

But we must be told the type of biscuit.

Would a point be better made with a chocolate digestive or one of the M&S luxury selection. Please don't tell me it was a Jaffa cake.

[Oscar's dad]

No, I didn't use force.

The biscuits were used to represent one of his customers and the number of products my customer had neglected to sell his customer.

My customer was advancing the argument that the mobile phone network I represent wasn't paying him enough commission. I was advancing the argument that he wasn't maxing out on his current commission structure so why should we offer him more?

My customer eventually accepted my point of view and has instantly devised his own action plan to address his own shortcomings.

I left him with his own biscuits as a memory aid and a source of nourishment which will hopefully sustain him as he executes his action plan.

[Oscar's dad]

I used a selection of biscuits, some were chocolate covered.

The customer was also keen to blow sunshine up my arse and that of my boss who accompanied me. The biscuits were obviously a cunning ploy, I don't normally get offered them.

Neither the sunshine nor the biscuits worked. If said customer doesn't remove his finger he will be an ex-customer by Christmas.

[pcolbeck]

Is the customer not always right ?

[Oscar's dad]

Err no. Not in this game.

Effectively we are the customer not the customer. The customer (a dealer) wants to sell us. We have to decide whether we want him to. In order to be able to sell our products the dealer (we're supposed to call them Partners) has to hit certain performance targets (we call them "metrics" as this is more friendly). If you don't hit the metrics you're out. This guy isn't hitting the metrics. Its a tough world.

[Valiant]

At the last big meeting I was in, our team got so bored with the suits that we chucked our flip chart markers in the bin and used a selection of biscuits to show how the area would look.

[jellied]

Have you tried wank word bingo. http://www.potfire.com.au/entertain/wwbingo.htm
Or take it a stage further as I did with another music fan, and try and insert as many late 70s/early 80s punk song titles in a meeting as possible.

[scott]

Is the customer not always right ?

Theory: "The customer is always right" does not mean "the customer is always right."

"The customer is always right" really means "do whatever you have to do to make the customer *think* (s)he is right, so that the customer, while still being duped, will feel loyal and not defect to a competitor."

Which is why I don't buy our local governments' idea of calling people "customers"--they're not money sources to be manipulated, they're citizens. < /rant >

[rogerzilla]

I always thought my father had a dull working life of quiet desperation.

Then, after he retired, he confessed that he regularly used to go to sleep in meetings.  This was bad, because he was the Company Secretary.

New-found respect for father 

[scott]

There's a real skill to sleeping through a meeting and then coming up with a concise summary. Those who remain awake for the whole thing and get it all down in detail always muddle it up.

[Quisling]

Remember, there is no "n" in cu stomer.

[alchemy]

IIRC, when Brazilian businessman Riccardo Semmler (sp?) holds business meetings in his company, there are no chairs in the room. Most of them are over in less than half an hour 

[Oscar's dad]

John Caudwell of Phones 4U fame was also reputed to hold meetings with no chairs. He also banned internal e-mails on a Friday, so the urban myth goes. I never met the chap but apparently he made Alan Sugar look like Santa. He's not all bad though as he is a cyclist.

[rogerzilla]

I once sat in the dullest meeting of all time, a discussion on the mortgage market most notable for a 20 minute period when two of the attendees waffled on for 20 minutes, oblivious to everyone else, about the reliability of published figures on repayments of principal.  The meeting ended when one girl fell asleep and her head made a loud "clunk" as she slid to the floor and bounced off the wall.

[SteveC]

IIRC, when Brazilian businessman Riccardo Semmler (sp?) holds business meetings in his company, there are no chairs in the room. Most of them are over in less than half an hour 

And, for added urgency, make everyone drink a pint of water first   

[tiermat]

A friend of mine used to work for Intel where they have a 60 minute rule for meetings, and it is no negiotiable.  So even if the MD calls a staff meeting at the 60 minute mark the staff just walk out, even if the speaker is in full flow.  Works well apparently.  I have attended a few meetings with The Gartner Group where the top level execs would start making tiny voodoo dolls out of blu tak if things got boring, if they got really boring they would throw them at the chair of the meeting...

[spesh]

Is the customer not always right ?

“There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance” - Dogbert, from Scott Adams’ “Dilbert” comics

 

[eck]

I'm old enough to remember the early John Cleese / Video Arts management videos. 

In one scene, Timothy West takes him to task for calling a meeting when there was nothing to discuss.
"Well, it's the weekly meeting."

Classic. 

[spesh]

Source unknown, but the following may be of some use.

Why not try some of the following neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:

• Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.
• Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
• When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then
  systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
• Chew tobacco.
• Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'
• Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
• Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all  happened so fast'.
• Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.
• Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
• Shave one of your forearms.
• Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
• Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you 'love this dirty town'.
• Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.
• Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
• Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.
• Gargle with water.
• Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
• Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
• Hum throughout.
• Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
• Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
• Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:'what's the margin, Marvin?"When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'
• Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
• Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
• Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
  
  My secret agenda
  1 Trample the weak
  2 Triumph alone

[TimO]

Ahhhg, you just reminded me that we have a meeting today.  Luckily I've managed to avoid having to go to many meetings by being bad at them (deliberately so).  My boss is somewhat terrible at managing meetings ie telling people to shut up, so we don't get buried in interminable off-shoots.  It was timetabled to be from 11 to 12, but got moved to 10.  Theoretically that means it should finish at 11, but I'll bet on it still lasting to 12, quite possible 12-30 or 13-00.

[Polar Bear]

I went to an important meeting yesterday where the lives of weak and vulnerable people are discussed.   We have a new broom in the chair.  He wants all meetings to last just 1 hour max.

Result?

He skipped past all the important bits and made a few unilateral decisions.

No work was actually achieved thereby rendering it a waste of the entire hour for most of the attendees.  We spent the afternoon catching up with each other and agreeing our position.   Now we have to ensure that 'God' agrees.   The process will take far more time than the meeting slot allocated.   

It all sometimes depends upon context.  You cannot just time box.  And, the worst thing at meetings is when people are ignorant and don't pay attention:  Play with their phones, crapberry's etc.   If you're not going to contribute, piss off!