My friend Dicky used it as a line of last resort for the neighbour's cat when the proverbial ginger eating and shitting machine kept coming into the kitchen and munching on the carved beef slices waiting for their garnish of overcooked vegetables.
After months of trying a variety of methods like squirting with spray, hissing and throwing knives, Dicky grabbed the moggy by the tail and with no other thought of what to do, dipped his finger in the mustard and jabbed it into the cat's arse, retiring to the safety of the doorway as the cat shot off like a rocket to take up residence on top of the fence opposite the kitchen window; a familiar and favourite spot on which to mount the inevitable face-off.
However, this time was different.
Dicky witnessed the cat's eyes go very wide followed by the most spectacular display of feline acrobatics, culminating in violent spitting as the cat instinctively tried to put out its ring of fire by licking it's arse.
The cat never ventured into the house again.
I have often wondered if Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and Sir Tim Rice might want ot work this scene into their Cats sequel. I suggest Elaine Paige play the role of the errant ginger as I would imagine I am not alone in wanting to see her suffer that level of torment.
Thanks for listening.
H
