Author Topic: On the commute today  (Read 2532 times)


  • Quiet please
On the commute today
« on: May 22, 2018, 11:57:01 pm »
Wetter than an incontinent Marti Pellow's undergarments. Thunderstorm and torrential rain over south-east London, with another fifteen miles home, the prospect of combining the two triathlon events that don't involve running didn't appeal so I baled for the nearest bus shelter. Which proved provident as the sky choose that moment to really open up in a thunderous flush of god's almighty cistern. Lots of cyclists slooshed past evidently thinking why didn't I do that five minutes ago? You could see from the looks on their faces that the icy deluge had already claimed their pants and once you've lost them there's no point stopping. It's not possible to get wetter. You could be tied to a big rock and dropped in the Mariana Trench and you wouldn't get that wet.

One young woman had evidently had enough and piled into my bus shelter. She was very wet. Now I know I'm a gentleman of ill-repute, but you'll have to take my word I was finding a lot of interesting things to look at that weren't contiguous with a woman in tight wet clothes that had turned near transparent. Trees. My shoes. The pavement. A dog. The sky. Clouds. Rain. Litter. Cars. Houses. For sale signs. To let signs. Discarded newspapers. Puddles. Rocks. Walls. Railings. Gravestones. Shrubs. Weeds. Grass. It was going quite well. At least three uneventful seconds had passed and I hadn't even nearly run out of things not wearing wet lycra to find interesting. Then she sighed loudly and said I may as well be naked.

Now if I were sensible I would have accepted this rhetorical overshare for what it was, made a noncommittal noise and started to count raindrops or somesuch. If. And if I hadn't had my conversation centre replaced with the mechanism from an old pub fruit machine where the symbols have been taped over with bits of masking tape with random words written on them. My brain put in 10p and pulled the lever. The reels spun and despite my brain saying no, no, no, I had to say what comes up on the first reel. Which was yes. Brilliant ian, brilliant.

Anyway, embarrassment aside, I gave her my not-especially-waterproof and slightly smelly jacket to protect her modesty for the remainder of her journey (not by much, she should have found a fat bloke). She insisted on giving me her phone number so I could go get it back.

I just explained this to my wife, who was at great pains to point out that it was an old and smelly jacket that needed replacing, and how far out of my way it would be for me to collect it, and anyway, she'll get me replacement, no bother at all.