Dear Mrs Miles,
I have never done an audax because I've heard the AUK fraternity is actually an offshoot of the Freemasons. Are you able to assure me that audaxers have nothing to do with the Priory Of Sion, the Knights Templar, holding back the electric car or making Steve Guttenberg a star? If it is all a scurrilous rumour, I still don't like those map traps they have on their handlebars. How do I know they're not riding along reading extreme pornography instead of maps? And they seem to stare right through me.
Concerned, Swindon.
Roger, dear, I am so sorry it has taken so long to respond to you but I have had to comnsult with the AUK Press Office on this matter as you have stirred up something of a hornets nest with your question. I was sent this missive via a Personal Message which is a new an exciting feature I have just discovered on this forum.
I have managed to cut 'n' paste (listen to me!!) the response below..
My dear Mrs Miles.
It is currently "politically correct" in conventional cycling circles to say that Audax UK "is not a 'secret society' but a society with secret controls". Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, 1975, defines a secret society as " n : any of various oath-bound societies often devoted to brotherhood, moral discipline, mutual assistance and toasted tea cakes". Those who are so inclined may suggest that this most certainly covers Audax UK and its activities. It is an unfortunate fact that, we are often associated with the heavily Audax UK influenced but independent Hermetic Order of the Golden Rice Pudding which is so secret that it has no members.
We draw from a huge cross section of this great cycling nation and our membership contains many public figures and public servants. It is incredulous to suggest that they would wish to be part of an organisation that works against the public good, isn’t it? However, despite a large and varied membership, only around 10% of members are active at any time or know how to ride a bike.
Outsiders are free to form their own opinions but Audax UK is an equal opportunities organisation that encourages people of all clubs, species and colours of touring bike fitted with mudguards to engage in long distance cycling events. Technically, AUK does not 'run' events - these are run by clubs, Lodges or individuals that are familiar with the rites of initiation inspired by the centuries old AUK Book of Hand, the tradition and rules of which have been observed by countless 10s.
Anyone can try one of our events but when a novice enters, there is a short ceremony which gives the rider 'temporary membership' of AUK for the duration and as such, immunity from prosecution. Until they relinquish their Brevet Card (a symbolic icon of your commitment to finish the event within a certain time and under certain rules – on pain of death of your next of kin), riders are forbidden to reveal themselves as being on an AUK event to any authority or members of the public save those specifically indicated on the route sheet (or “The Way”) as ‘Controls’.
If, after a period of calm and reflection, they feel that what they have just taken part in something that has somehow enhanced their self-belief or in some small way made the world a better place, they are free to apply for nomination of membership and if successful, will be invited to take the Oath of Allegiance in order to receive the Grand Order of the AUK. From then on, you are encouraged to enter more events although the postal service is the preferred form of correspondence as electronic communication is prone to stealth surveillance.
Many members feel so indebted to AUK that they want to get more involved within the organisation. From humble beginnings, it is not unusual for members to rise to such offices as “Worshipful Master of the Permanent Event” or even “Grand Wizard of The AUK Website”.
I recommend that you invite ‘Concerned of Swindon’ to our next AGM. I’m sure he’ll be surprised to discover how utterly normal we all are. On the whole.
Regards
Ian Grizzlychops
Guardian of the All Seeing Eye
Well my dear, there you have it straight from the horse’s mouth – we are in no way a secret society!
As for the famous ‘stare’, I believe this is a trance-like state that riders often go into in order to be able to convert kilometres into real distances like miles. Still, kilometres are a step forward from links and chains that were the measure of distance when I was a girl.
On the subject of, well let’s just say “adult oriented reading material”. I can only assume that you have latched onto the open letter sent to Cycling Meekly magazine by an outraged mother who found that her 40yr old son’s obsession with riding DIY perms was fuelled by frequent visits to corner newsagents across the Midlands. It seems that this rider’s favoured ‘proof of presence’ was to gain a receipt for a variety of top-shelf girly magazines dedicated to the rather more mature and well endowed of my sex. Frankly my dear, a lot of it was lost on me and Mr Miles has yet to explain what a G.I.L.F is. When I press him on the issue, he just mumbles into his pipe and disappears into the potting shed until he thinks I’ve forgotten about it.
But what fascinates me, dear Roger, is that you should be so obsessed in your thinking that we are in some way a secret society. What has tickled your conspiracy funny bone? Have you been reading a tad too much Dan Brown? I think not and as the Doctor often says to Mr Miles, brace yourself as I am going to have to push deeper and this is likely to be uncomfortable.
Why are you are so suspicious and untrusting of that which you are not part of? Tell me Roger, do you feel are you always on the outside, peering in through the misty window of the Tea Shoppe at the club riders laughing and joking within over their apple crumble and custard? I hope you don’t mind me asking this dear but as a child, did your school chums think you strange and laugh at when you told them you kept your Action Men in separate boxes lest they talk about you when you weren’t throwing darts at them or posing them to re-enact the Russian roulette scene from the Deer Hunter? Or were you the bright, smartly dressed, lonely boy who always sat in front of the class and was routinely ignored by the pretty student teacher? She
knew you knew the answer and was so desperate to impress her yet never once did she pick
you. The one time she looked at you, there was that stare, the one that withered your heart before turning away and saying “Yes Tommy” to the fat slovenly lad behind you who always got it wrong and always smelt of wee.
Do you think she liked them all more than you? Has this made you so untrusting that you would rather not participate ever again?
If the answer is “yes Mrs Miles, it’s like you are staring into my darkest and most secret secrets” then take heart as I can help you (as I have done many others) but the first step is in recognising that the problem is with you and not with the world.
Frankly, until you come to terms with the hurts of the past, you will always be eating your depleted sultana isotonic energy bars on the cold and lonely hard kerb of life – at odds with yourself and certainly the Spirit of Audax.
Yours with an always open door policy and a new knowledge of the Personal Messaging system.
Mrs Miles
