Author Topic: more insane management speak phrases  (Read 64822 times)

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #50 on: July 29, 2011, 12:45:56 pm »
Here's one we got this morning:

Our initial conclusions are based on a set of core business focused principles:
• Enable future products and services that are increasingly digital and complex in composition (e.g. bundles, micro content, cross-business offerings)
• Leverage existing assets
• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
• Avoid choices that limit flexibility or increase risk
• Consider foundational work that needs to precede ERP implementation (e.g. business process simplification/capability enablement, master data management)
• Simplify first, then enhance and scale

Translation: In four years max you'll be out on your collective ear while we strip naked and roll around in big piles of money.

I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

hellymedic

  • Just do it!
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #51 on: July 29, 2011, 01:42:18 pm »
You couldn't make it up!

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #52 on: July 29, 2011, 01:44:44 pm »
Here's one we got this morning:

...
• Clarify and maintain focus on traditional ERP value chain
...
I have no idea what "ERP" stands for either

ERP like Oracle etc

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #53 on: July 29, 2011, 02:45:04 pm »
Enterprise resource planning. Got it? Not to be confused with BURP - buggered up resource planning
Get a bicycle. You will never regret it, if you live- Mark Twain

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #54 on: July 29, 2011, 03:58:15 pm »
Cow-orker G worked for the BigCo's predecessor circa 1973.  They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.

They failed.

Cow-orker G went elsewhere, and then rejoined what was now the current incarnation of the BigCo, circa 2003.  They were trying to reduce the number of platforms, applications and so forth.

They failed.

Cow-orker G is beginning to see a pattern emerging...
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Rig of Jarkness

  • An Englishman abroad
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #55 on: July 29, 2011, 09:27:43 pm »
Right to left planning is quite a favourite  :)
Aero but not dynamic

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #56 on: August 02, 2011, 08:57:59 am »
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.

spesh

  • Indictments we bring to Trump and his kin...
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #57 on: August 02, 2011, 09:19:29 am »
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.

Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?
This is not The Greatest Sig Line in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #58 on: August 02, 2011, 12:34:51 pm »
Carphone Warehouse has a Reverse Logistics Director.

Let me guess... he's in charge of the returns/customer complaints department?

Yes.
It's a brilliant bit of bullshit.

arabella

  • no se porque yo no lo se
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #59 on: August 02, 2011, 12:46:53 pm »
We need some sort of campaign for clear speech.  As in crystal clear.  'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.

Derisking is probably the same as risk mitigation.
Descoping is a GOOD thing as it means ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.
In the dark, all views are the same.

Rig of Jarkness

  • An Englishman abroad
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #60 on: August 02, 2011, 06:58:58 pm »
ignore all the flyuffy bits you weren't going to do anyway.

MoSCoW rules  :thumbsup:
Aero but not dynamic

Bluebottle

  • Everybody's gotta be somewhere
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #61 on: August 02, 2011, 10:19:23 pm »
In a moment of unthinking  :sick: I found myself saying that there was a linear line between two things.  This, you should remember, was in a pub and I did stop myself and flog myself with a birch as soon as I said it.

I always swore that I wouldn't turn into formeremployer who uttered the following with unflinching conviction and lack of irony:

"We need to integrate completeness to the project."

Dieu, je vous soupçonne d'être un intellectuel de gauche.

FGG #5465

gerwinium

  • Occasional smug folding bastard
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #62 on: August 02, 2011, 10:22:09 pm »
Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes

Mr Larrington

  • A bit ov a lyv wyr by slof standirds
  • Custard Wallah
    • Mr Larrington's Automatic Diary
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #63 on: August 03, 2011, 10:36:06 am »
I'm sure Gus was based on a former The Boss I had some twenty years ago.  He even looked a bit like Robert Duncan.
External Transparent Wall Inspection Operative & Mayor of Mortagne-au-Perche
Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peacetime

Euan Uzami

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #64 on: August 03, 2011, 11:01:42 am »
At my work de scoping is officially sanctioned disagreement with what we've been told to do as opposed to the common or garden disagreeing with what we've been told to do that we spend whole meetings solely doing.

Charlotte

  • Dissolute libertine
  • Here's to ol' D.H. Lawrence...
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Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #65 on: August 03, 2011, 11:20:46 am »
We need some sort of campaign for clear speech.  As in crystal clear.  'Cos I associate crystal with cut glass which has lots of faces and isn't see through at all.

What - like this?



http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/
Commercial, Editorial and PR Photographer - www.charlottebarnes.co.uk

LEE

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #66 on: August 03, 2011, 11:22:10 am »
As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?

Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry.  I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.

Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).

What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"

spesh

  • Indictments we bring to Trump and his kin...
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #67 on: August 03, 2011, 11:32:16 am »
What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"

Do any of your managers have pointy hair?   ;)

http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=jargon
http://search.dilbert.com/search?w=work%2Bsmarter&view=list&filter=type%3Acomic

Enjoy.  ;D
This is not The Greatest Sig Line in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #68 on: August 03, 2011, 01:53:09 pm »
See also the bank manager in Despicable Me. Clearly based on those Dilbert cartoons. Or maybe Mr Larrington's former boss. Or someone.
The earth is vast and beautiful and contains many miraculous places. (Chekhov)

Rig of Jarkness

  • An Englishman abroad
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #69 on: August 03, 2011, 09:25:05 pm »
Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?
Aero but not dynamic

Rhys W

  • I'm single, bilingual
    • Cardiff Ajax
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #70 on: August 03, 2011, 09:36:32 pm »
I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:

"Let's diarise for next year then."

 ::-)

Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #71 on: August 04, 2011, 12:48:36 am »
Gus Hedges is surely the bench mark of all management speak. Here are some gems:

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0117015/quotes
This one's actually tolerable, in a taking the piss sort of way.

Quote
We do rather appear to have an ongoing underwear entanglement situation.
"A woman on a bicycle has all the world before her where to choose; she can go where she will, no man hindering." The Type-Writer Girl, 1897

Rig of Jarkness

  • An Englishman abroad
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #72 on: August 04, 2011, 05:29:53 am »
I was just on my club's forum, reading a report on the Gran Fondo Eddy Merckx (yes, they got to meet the Cannibal). This aroused some interest in people doing it next year:

"Let's diarise for next year then."

 ::-)

Glad to hear you socialised the idea first  :thumbsup:  I hear that the Pinarello Prince version 2 is very good for getting traction on vertical reporting lines.  Will you be needing a 1:1 with the gearing department for any of these ?  Might be best to avoid any walkthroughs.   :)   
Aero but not dynamic

Panoramix

  • 50 61 6E 6F 72 61 6D 69 78
  • Suus cuique crepitus bene olet
    • Some routes
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #73 on: August 04, 2011, 06:23:22 am »
As long as you don't use these phrases in the pub with your mates then who cares?

Phrases like "De-scope" mean something to people in a certain industry.  I guess you could say "remove that requirement from the full list of requirements" but it's clear what we mean when we use it in our company.

Even "leverage" (or "levverage" to pronounce it how I hear it spoken) as a verb is now well understood (despite being a hateful term).

What I really hate are totally meaningless and empty phrases, pseudo-motivational bollox, such as "work smarter not harder", "Blue Sky Thinking" and such like.  They are typically spouted by Managers devoid of any practical ideas of how to motivate and improve people/business.

Manager - "We need to work smarter not harder"
Employees - "How do we do that then?"
Manager - "I haven't got a f***ing clue, I read it in an American book last night...just try working longer hours for less money and see if that works"

+1, IMHO stuff like de-risk and de-scope is just jargon meaning something very precise to some people in some industries.

Gandalf

  • Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty
Re: more insane management speak phrases
« Reply #74 on: August 04, 2011, 06:35:59 am »
Do people still eat elephants one piece at a time ?

Only when they are not too busy with not boiling the ocean.