Author Topic: The Rant Thread (often contains fruity language) 01/12/2011  (Read 1719 times)

librarian

  • Quiet please
The Rant Thread (often contains fruity language) 01/12/2011
« on: December 03, 2011, 07:38:23 pm »
And it did come to pass that it was the seventh day, or at least in some people's reckoning, depending upon which day they did think the week doth start.

And in common with the LORD, who did rest upon the seventh day, Mr Larrington did decide to slob out in his bed until such time as he was, yea and verily, dying for a slash.

And after that, Mr Larrington was unable to sleep again, in spite of years of long and intensive practice.

Accordingly, he did gather up the big plastic basket of his forefathers, and did take it through the lands of the Ammonites, and the Midianites, and the Simmonites, and the Canaanites, and the Jacobites, and the Levites, and the Trilobites, and the Ishmaelites, and the Sodomites, and the Adnanites, and the Megabytes, and the Qahtanites, and the Cheesibites until such time as he reached the Temple of the Sheds, and did cram the contents thereof into the marvellous device wrought in wondrous fashion by the Natives of the East and bearing the name of the Prophet LG and did perform the mystic ritual as laid down in the Book of Arial Automatic.

And then did Mr Larrington microwave some SOUP, which is full of comestible goodness in the sight of the LORD, and then did he settle upon his sofa with his SOUP and a good book.

And the LORD did peer over the shoulder of Mr Larrington, that He might divine the manner of the good book in which Mr Larrington was so engrossed that he did fail to attend church, sacrifice fatted calves or generally get up to the sort of business that doth make rational Sons of Men despair and turn unto the BLASPHEMER Dawkins.

And yes, and verily, did the LORD discover that Mr Larrington's book did contain reference to Demons and other foul spirits of the netherworld, and sore was He vexed.

And Mr Larrington did get another BEER, and did rejoice in the triumph of Mark Webber in the Brazilian Grand Prix.

For know ye that Mr Larrington is descended from a long line of Webbers upon the side of his mother and, moreover, doth share the same design of chin with the Lanky and Base Orztrylian.

And then did Mr Larrington retrieve the former contents of the big plastic basket of his forefathers, and did place them back in the big plastic basket of his forefathers, and did carry the big plastic basket of his forefathers through the lands of the Ammonites, and the Midianites, and the Simmonites, and the Canaanites, and the Jacobites, and the Levites, and the Trilobites, and the Ishmaelites, and the Sodomites, and the Adnanites, and the Megabytes, and the Qahtanites, and the Cheesibites and all the way to the top of the stairs.

And then did Mr Larrington arrange the contents of the big plastic basket of his forefathers upon the collapsible wossname, that the moisture contained therein might evaporate into the ether and join the waters that cover the sea.

Whatever the fuck that doth mean.

And Mr Larrington did remove damp things from the big plastic basket of his forefathers, and did turn to the left, Fashion! and did turn to the right, oooh Fashion!  And the Goon Squad was not in evidence.

But the LORD was in evidence and after the turning to the right, He did smite the lower back of Mr Larrington with great smites.

And Mr Larrington swore, and cursed, and did say "Oh fuck, that hath not gone well.  I am, yea and verily, in a world of hurt both painful and hurty".

And he did finish dealing with the contents of the big plastic basket of his forefathers, and then did return to the Great Hall, and did drink more BEER, and did take the name of the LORD in vain, for he did know that it would take him about forty minutes to don his fucking socks on the morrow.

And time did pass, and Mr Larrington did remain sore vexed, yea and verily even unto the third day since such time as he had been smitten by the LORD.

And Mr Larrington did cry out unto the LORD and spake, and said "LORD, thou art supposed to be a merciful God, so what the blue blazes did you do that for?"

And the LORD spake, and said unto Mr Larrington "Verily thou hast taken that New Testament bollocks at face value.  For I am the LORD God of Moses and Abraham and various other gits and, moreover, the LORD God who appeared in the first verse of 'Highway 61 Revisited', and I am a miserable bastard and, moreover, fond of smiting."

And Mr Larrington did weep, and wail, and gnash his teeth.  And he did call the LORD "a right fucking cunt" and "a pig-fucking son of a camel" and further did take the name of the LORD in vain in a variety of unusual and obscene ways without deviation, repetition or hesitation for five more minutes.

And the LORD spake unto Mr Larrington once more, and did say "Shut it, you slag!"

And upon the fourth day Mr Larrington was smitten anew by the LORD, but he did fear the wrath of The Hairless Scotsman who every day did think up new ways in which to rape and fuck with meaninglessness and rampant arsery those in his thrall.

So Mr Larrington did go to work, and sore was he vexed.

And the LORD spake, and said "There is a moral here, boys and girls, but you'll have to work it out for yourselves".

And Mr Larrington did pause, and ponder, and did conclude that it is best if one doth one's laundry on a Friday night, that one might have the entire weekend to recover from the injuries sustained in the doing thereof.

Here endeth the lesson.  Fapsocks >:(