Author Topic: What's the worst film you've never heard of?  (Read 1831 times)


  • Quiet please
What's the worst film you've never heard of?
« on: January 22, 2013, 06:46:22 pm »
Here's some I made earlier:

Once Upon A Time In American Beauty

Kevin Spacey has a mid-life crisis, but solves it by becoming a gangster

Night Of The Living Dead Poets Society

Robin Williams is eaten by zombies.  "The finest comedy this year!" - Empire

The Lion King Of Comedy

Cartoon lion stalks a late night talk show host.  Songs by Elton John

Raging Bull Durham

Robert de Niro has an affair with a minor-league baseball player,  then kicks the crap out of him.  Special ruined-for-TV version without the word "fuck" in it.

Groundhog Day Of The Jackal

Edward Fox tries to assassinate General de Gaulle over and over again, until Andie MacDowell hits him over the head with a stuffed  squirrel.  Certificate PG

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad WaterWorld

The dying words of a thief spark a madcap race to find Kevin Costner's marbles.

Big Trouble In Little China Syndrome

A supernatural battle between good and evil leads to a serious nuclear accident, with hilarious consequences.  Kurt Russell plays himself.  No change there, then.

Assault On Friday The Thirteenth

Chicano gang members lay siege to a bunch of teenagers doing something stupid, and shoot them all. The End.

National Blue Velvet

Velvet (Elizabeth Taylor) trains a horse (Sarah Jessica Parker) to take part in the dark underworld which exists beneath the surface of her seemingly quiet hometown.  Weird shit ensues.

The Breakfast Club At Tiffany's

Problem Teens look for rich older people to marry, but none is that stupid.  Special guest appearance by Molly Ringwald, as Lou Diamond Phillips.

Lawrence Of The Arabian Nights

T.E. Lawrence marches on Aqaba, which is defended by giant birds who eat elephants.  Watch out for Saddam Hussein's cameo role as the Caliph of Baghdad.

Henry The Fifth Element

Bruce Willis and his vest invade and reconquer France.  Directed by Kenneth Wolstenholme [Are you sure? - Ed.].

Cats & Reservoir Dogs

Ongoing war between cats and psychotic diamond thieves.  Stars Harvey Keitel as Tibbles and Tom as Mr. Pink.

Apocalypse Now & Forever

Against a backdrop of clashing cultures, Martin Sheen and Marlon Brando find each other and over the years form a powerful bond.  But - ha ha - Robert Duvall turns up, and kills them.  Widescreen version.

You've Got Rogue M@il

Two political rivals hate each other, so Sir Robert Thorndyke (Peter O'Toole) tries to assassinate Adolf Hitler (Meg Ryan).  Pursued by the Gestapo, they fall in love.  Aah!  From the novel by Fred Housego.

The Great Escape From New York

A crowd of out-of-work actors attempt to smuggle Donald Pleasance through a tunnel, while bad men with guns try to stop them.  Kurt Russell plays himself.  Again.

Hideous Kinky Coaches And The Pom Pom Pussycats

Morocco.  The late 60's.  Silly hippy Kate Winslet's daughters, aged seven and five, play rival high school football coaches, who will do  anything to win the big game so they can go back to London and eat fish fingers.  No, really!

Walkabout A Boy

 An attempt to abandon Hugh Grant in the Outback is foiled when Nick Hornby rescues him and his career.  Dick.  Jenny Agutter takes her clothes off.  "Unmissable" - Chris Waddle

Ferris Bueller's Longest Day Off

A high school wise guy is determined to have a day off from school, and invades Festung Europa on June 6th 1944.  Fortunately, he is run over by a tank.  Hooray tanky tanky!

The Wicker Man About The House

Richard O'Sullivan, Paula Wilcox and Sally Thomsett are burned to death in a pagan ritual.  Edward Woodward investigates, but not very thoroughly.

First Blood Feast

John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) avenges the death of his sister at the hands of an Egyptian caterer who is collecting body parts to re-animate the goddess Ishtar.  By killing people, mostly.  "A Herschell Gordon Lewis classic!" - H.G. Lewis (Mrs)

Sir Henry At Rawlinson End Of Days

Sir Henry Rawlinson (Trevor Howard) attempts to exorcise the ghost of his late brother Humbert, by getting Arnold Schwarzenegger to  duff him up.  Features the late Vivian Stanshall as Pope Innocent IV and Miriam Margoyles as Jackie Chan.

Silent Running Of The Lambs

FBI Special Agent Clarice Starling (Bruce Dern and a terrifying wig) attempt to track down serial killing robots aboard a space station.  Short.

Billy Liar Elliot

A young man with a dreary life spends most of his time daydreaming about becoming a ballet dancer and leaping around like a big water-drinking ponce, er, hang on...

Tomb Raiders Of The Lost Ark

Almost indistinguishable from either of its predecessors, though the thought of Angelina Jolie with a whip may excite a certain segment of the population.

Godzilla Versus Bambi

Latest in a long line of Japanese man-in-a-monster-suit extravaganzas.  Godzilla battles a mutant deer, who is threatening to trample Yokohama underhoof.  "Even better than `Milly Molly Mandy Meets The Moors Murderers'" - Cardinal Basil Hume

Strangers On A Trainspotting

You'd like your wife killed, wouldn't you? I'll do it for you if you'll give me shedloads of drugs...

Flashdance Of The Vampires

A Pittsburgh vampire and part-time exotic dancer takes up welding.  With hilarious consequences.  Starring Patrick Swayze as Alexandra 'Alex' Owens and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing.  Who said "typecasting"?

In The Heat Of The Night Of The Living Dead

Racist sheriff Rod Steiger and African-American cop Sydney Poitier are chased by flesh-eating zombies.  "Memorable chainsaw gags" - Tobe Hooper

A Christmas Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice

Victorian miser fellow attends a secluded therapy group and becomes modernised in his sexual behaviour.  Hilarious three-ghosts-in-a-bed romps ensue.  Also starring Kenny Baker, as Tiny Tim.

Singin' In The Rain Man

Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise sing and dance their way across America.  People point and laugh.

Stuart Little Caesar

The Little family adopt a charming young mouse named Stuart, who turns out to be more psychotic even than the cat.  "Look at me, Ma!  Top of the cheeseboard!"

It's A Wonderful Life Of Brian

The heartwarming tale of an angel helping a frustrated Jewish herbert by showing him what life would have been like if he had been the Messiah after all. (Answer: We'd all hate Ipswich Town instead of Manchester United)

Enter The Red Dragon

Bruce Lee is employed by Shadowy Agents of HM Gubbinsment to solve the case of "The Tooth Fairy", assisted by Dr. Hannibal Lecter (John Saxon).  Much biff and pseudo-Buddhism follows.  "Don't think, feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!"

Soldier Blue Money

Larry (Tim Curry) dreams of becoming a star entertainer, but until then he helps the US Cavalry massacre the Cheyenne.  Or maybe it
 was the other way round.  Musical.  Also starring Donald Pleasence.

Spice World Is Not Enough

Bond is back!  Emma Bunton is Bond and Victoria Beckham "M".  Geri Halliwell is nowhere to be seen.  Certificate: 18.

Mad Max Headroom II

Far and away the best of the "Mad Max Headroom" series.  Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton's computer-generated, leather-clad creation battles strange punky geezers with triff cars and souped-up KAWASAKIs.  "Donald Pleasence excels as The Feral Kid" - Cosmo

Muriel's Big Fat Greek Monsoon Wedding Singer

"Comedy" arse.

The Titfield Thunderbolt And Lightfoot

Clint Eastwood and Jeff Bridges attempt to prevent the closure of their local rail service with the proceeds of a daring diamond  robbery.  Watch out for Gary Busey's cameo appearance as Gary Busey.

Beauty And The Sexy Beast

Belle, whose father Maurice is imprisoned by the Beast (really retired safecracker Gal), offers herself instead.  But it goes badly wrong for both of them.  Features a bravura performance from Ray Winstone as The Beast / Gal.  "The worst film I have ever seen" - Mr. H. Paterson

Kiss Das Boot

Warhol acolytes Gerard Malanga and Mary Woronov do strange and debauched things on board a WW2 submarine.  Also starring Jürgen Prochnow, with his hat on backwards, just like Curt Jürgens used to.  Up periscope (fnarr, fnarr)!

The Deep Throat

Holidaying in the Caribbean, Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bisset discover hidden treasure in Linda Lovelace.

Three Colours White Dog

Second of Kieslowski's trilogy of films dealing with contemporary French society.  The story of a man dealing with a vicious dog who's been trained to attack and kill immigrants