G Imlach: | O hai! I, TV's G Imlach hav scarcely gotted mi breath bak after teh exitement ov yesterday! Too l8 4 teh hilites prog iz teh news that C Froome haz been savaged by un rozzeur who mistook him 4 a spectidiot! |
S Tween: | Another triumph 4 FrogPlodTM! |
SD Brailsford: | That's xactly teh sort of fookin' thing I fookin' mean! |
EC Boardman: | You can't get teh staff these days! Surely a spectidiot wud not be looking @ his stem liek C Froome? Ahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
Omnes: | Wnkr! |
G Imlach: | Wot they sed! So can anything stop G Thomas from w1nz0r1ing teh Tour ov France? |
NC Boardman: | 1 or moar ov teh following: a) A "bad day" b) A crash c) Spectidiots d) TD Windmill |
G Imlach: | And so 2da. Spr1nt0rz stage, but without any spr1nt0rz! |
S Colbrelli: | Oi! |
A Kristoff: | Oi! |
J Degenkolb: | Oi! |
A Démare: | I iz still in teh race 2, u kno! |
N Bouhanni (translated from teh original Silbo): | Onli in naem, u useless twunt! |
G Imlach: | Er, yes, right. TV's Super D Millar & *** Boulting, strut ur funky stuff! |
N Boulting: | O hai! Teh GC contenders need 2 not fall off their bieks 2da. |
SD Millar: | O hai! Yes, they do. Er, not. [Aside] Where did they find this bozo? Poundland? |
N Boulting: | Teh Eh-Ess-Oh haz cunningly contrived teh route 2 allow every1 2 spend 2 nites in Pau! |
SD Millar: | Iz a Good Thing! *** can wash hiz underpant! |
N Boulting: | Wnkr! |
SD Millar: | A Greipel sez A Démare iz a norty cheet! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
A Démare: | Iz not possible! Also, I am still in teh race while u, A Greipel, iz not! Ha and, moreover, ha, u big ape! |
N Boulting: | ...& J Alaphilippe stole teh Devil's trident & rode off up teh mountain wif it! Hahaha! |
Omnes: | That iz moar funneh than ur Nogweegie tomfoolery, ***, but not much! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | So there iz teh futile break up teh road already, TD Gendt iz not in it, and u lot can safely go 2 slepe 4 teh next 3 hours. Can E Bernal win teh juniorshinyjumper by stealth? |
SD Millar: | Yes. Yes, he can. If P Latour & G Martin fck it up! |
G Martin: | Bai eck! Proper job! |
SD Millar: | No. No, TV's G Martin! Not u! |
G Martin: | Piss! |
SD Millar: | Look @ teh state ov that pelican! No discipline! |
Bethany's Mum: | I can fix vat 4 'em! C mi website 4 details! |
Bethany [8]: | You disgust me! |
Bethany's Mum: | I do, do I, u li'l tart? Gimme ur fukn fone! I ain't payin' 4 vat no moar! |
Bethany [8]: | Awwwwwww Mum! 'snot fare!!1! I'm off round 5’s! |
Bethany's Mum: | U wanna kno wot her muvva dun 4 a livvin' b4 she met vat rich geezer? |
Bethany [8]: | I h8 u!!1! [FX: slamming door, breaking window, barking dog, Ju 87 in a dive, J Hendrix doing 'Wild Thing'] |
SD Millar: | Cut! Shitverts, FFS! |
N Boulting: | Betta idea, tiem 4 drinkiepoos! Over 2 radio's M Smith & a pair ov yooves in teh Londonton dungeon! |
5: | Ooooh! They're rather yummy! |
H & C Tanfield: | Yoicks! |
M Smith: | Come back, u bloody cowards! |
H & C Tanfield: | Bloody cowards don't come back! That's teh whole point ov being 1! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOSH!!1!] |
M Smith: | Arse! |
5: | Oh, bother! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Chute! I Montoya N Quintana! Pelican aslepe! |
SD Millar: | T Moviestar reveal Plan 9 From Outer Spaign! |
Bethany [8]: | Riding mob-handed in2 a ditch? |
A Valverde: | Ssssssh! |
Bethany [8]: | Kumquats up front, m8! U kno teh drill! |
SD Millar: | I blame T FdJ! Because they're a Rubbish! Reboot! |
Omnes: | Iz not tiem 4 ur afternoon nap, Super D? We want Niec C Boardman talking bllcks! |
SD Millar: | Fck! Off! |
Omnes: | Even barmy geekazoid M Rendall would b betta than this tosh! |
SD Millar: | Your all moneysupermarket! |
M Rendall: | LEGS DO NOT HAVE SEAMS!!1! |
Omnes: | C wot we mene? |
N Boulting: | [Improvising desperately] Look, see! Storks! |
B Oddie: | Those are herons, u gr8 melt! FFS! |
| [...] |
TP Fairy: | O hai! O hai, M Haymann! Stabbity-stabbo! |
M Hayman: | Piss! Thru-axles! Piss encore! |
N Boulting: | Monks! |
SD Millar: | Visigoths! Les Landes! Foie gras! |
SD Millar's Mum: | Don't u dare, Super D! Iz crool! |
SD Millar: | Yoicks! |
N Boulting: | Surfing! It's interesting! No! Wait! Come back! |
Omnes: | Saved by teh shitverts! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Hahaha! I waited! Biarritz Napoleon III E Hemingway! Surfin' CIA! Dick Dale! Sex wax! Hang 5! Hang 10! Hang teh lot ov 'em! |
SD Millar: | |
| [...] |
EO Aquitaine: | O hai! Nething happening? Reception's terrible in here! |
Omnes: | Eeek! A ghostie! |
C Prudhomme: | U kno ze rools, EO Aquitaine! |
EO Aquitaine: | Merde! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Ice socks! Old wifey tales! |
N Boulting: | Decoy SD Brailsford! Bonkers! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | On teh fone, M Cavendish! Wot u bin doin', M Cavendish? |
M Cavendish: | I bin trainin'! |
Omnes: | Riding 2 teh pub, moar liek! |
M Cavendish: | Fck! Off! G $ky T Thomas! Hic! |
Omnes: | We rest our case! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Aquitaine! Teh English part of France! EO Aquitaine! |
EO Aquitaine: | U called? |
C Prudhomme: | Shut! Up! |
EO Aquitaine: | Bof! I'm going 2 Eurosport next year! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! We haz kidnapped R Hunter! Wot u do 4 teh You-See-Eye, R Hunter? |
R Hunter: | I could tell u, but then I'd hav 2 kill u. 2 DETH! |
N Boulting: | Oh. |
SD Millar: | Good idea tho! R Hunter is v fierce! |
J Alaphilippe: | O rly? RAAAAWWWWWWWRR! |
R Hunter: | [Indicates violin case] Yes. |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Teh futile break haz been cort and T FdJ r doing something onli I'm sure I don't kno wot! |
SD Millar: | Ptui! T FdJ cannot b that stupid? Can they? |
T FdJ: | We refer teh Mad Wankhatter 2 stage 9 on last year's Tour ov France! |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Well, whatever T FdJ were doing, they've stopped! Once I doned a bunny-hop over CP Sagan! |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | TB Hansgrohe! Planning sumthing! |
SD Millar: | CP Sagan! Gamesmanship! |
N Boulting: | T Cofidis? |
T Pelican: | Roffle! |
SD Millar: | Sketchy! TB Hansgrohe will not do teh monster lead-out, tho, because I, TV's Super D Millar, sa so! Sketchy! |
N Boulting: | w00t! No-1 can find their lead-out mans! |
A Démare: | Xept me, A Démare, who iz made ov Win! \o/ Also, a big fck off 2 N Bouhanni & A Greipel! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!1! |
N Bouhanni: | Piss! |
| [...] |
G Imlach: | 2moro, tho. Mountains! |
NC Boardman: | Even tho not a summit finish teh big boyz will treat it liek 1. |
EC Boardman: | Unless it ra1nz0rz on teh final descent! Ahahahahaha! Hahahaha! Oh yes! |
Omnes: | Fck! Off! |