The RANT thread (often contains fruity language)

[mcshroom]

Just return to sender. If every one did that instead of binning it, I think that Virgin and the like will stop sending them out.

Doesn't work, RM bins them.

What about using a stamp of tiny value eg £0.05 ?
What would RM do then ?

When I was at Uni it was a standard trick to put the spam from one letter into the return envelope for another spam letter so that we used up their pre-paid envelope and annoyed them a bit.

[Gandalf]

Young Castelli/Assos clad woman on the fixie.  Whilst I applaud your taste in cycling wear might I tactfully suggest that you hold back a teeny bit of cash for some frickin lights? 

In a similar vein, I have the greatest respect for your superior rate of progress.  Were I not on my commuting tank I might have half a chance of keeping up. I would however have even greater respect if you achieved it without rudely undertaking other cyclists and jumping red lights.

[Snakehips]

When I was at Uni it was a standard trick to put the spam from one letter into the return envelope for another spam letter so that we used up their pre-paid envelope and annoyed them a bit.

And include something of your own as a bonus , like e.g. the sweepings off the floor.

[David Martin]

When I was at Uni it was a standard trick to put the spam from one letter into the return envelope for another spam letter so that we used up their pre-paid envelope and annoyed them a bit.

And include something of your own as a bonus , like e.g. the sweepings off the floor.

That floor being covered in bricks...

[rower40]

Dear fucking knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, single brain celled cow-workers.

If you ask me a question, I give an answer, no?

could you do the common courtesies of a) remembering the answer I give b) actually applying that answer to what you are trying to do?

DO NOT
10 ask question
20 receive answer
30 wait 5
40 goto 10

ok?

Thanks

Now fuck off and leave me alone

Do you have the same cow-orkers as me? I've been on the receiving end of a very similar algorithm.

10 ask question
20 receive answer
30 IF answer <> the_one_I_wanted OR answer <> something_I_understand THEN GOTO 10
40 GOTO 10 anyway.

[CrinklyLion]

So there's a chance of someone out there employing my eldest when he grows up?  Because that sounds like his Special Skill!

[Kim]

Scooter wanker!

WTF was with the absolutely textbook slow-motion left hook?  Surely you must have noticed the awesome 2mph speed differential as you overtook with mere inches to spare?  I appreciate that as a pedal cyclist I'm supposed to be a 2-dimensional object of zero velocity that ceases to exist once out of view, but surely a quick glance over your shoulder (or perhaps some sort of indicating) before slowing down and turning into me would have been a good idea, just in case I was playing by some alternative laws of physics?

We weren't even going that fast.  Maybe 15-17mph or so.  Which is the only reason I was able to swerve and brake hard enough that you were able to buzz obliviously away from the swearing cyclist rather than end up at the bottom of a pile in the middle of the Bristol Road.

If I'd been less gobsmacked I'd have set off in pursuit in order to get their registration number.   

[Domestique]

'a 50% haircut on all Greek debt'
What the flik is that all about 

[Juan Martín]

Young commuters of Kent:

1.   Take your feet off the seats.
2.   Remove your caps while in the accommodation.
3.   Shave.
4.   Get your hair cut.

That’s all.

[Morrisette]

The Virign letter has gone back, with my YACF RANT written on the front.

[tiermat]

Dear fucking knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, single brain celled cow-workers.

If you ask me a question, I give an answer, no?

could you do the common courtesies of a) remembering the answer I give b) actually applying that answer to what you are trying to do?

DO NOT
10 ask question
20 receive answer
30 wait 5
40 goto 10

ok?

Thanks

Now fuck off and leave me alone

He has been updating his l33t skillz overnight.

Today's conversation went something like:
PM: Can you produce the information reports for those 54 servers?
ME: Yes, but it will mean I will not be able to do anything else today
PM: OK, no problem
<wait 5 minutes>
PM: Can you, whilst doing those reports, restart this service on 6 servers, as per earlier email? Oh and can you do them first?
ME: NO! I am doing them in IP address order, so I will get to them as I go through the list.
PM: But these are important.
ME: It doesn't matter, I am not going change the order in which I am doing these
<wait another 5, after I have checked to see if the servers are up>
ME: those servers are not responding, so can't do anything on them, so I will carry on producing those reports on the other servers, as I don't have time to troubleshoot issues AND produce these reports
PM: Does this mean you can't restart the agent on those boxes?

 

[interzen]

Dear fucking knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, single brain celled cow-workers.

If you ask me a question, I give an answer, no?

could you do the common courtesies of a) remembering the answer I give b) actually applying that answer to what you are trying to do?

DO NOT
10 ask question
20 receive answer
30 wait 5
40 goto 10

ok?

Thanks

Now fuck off and leave me alone

He has been updating his l33t skillz overnight.

Today's conversation went something like:
PM: Can you produce the information reports for those 54 servers?
ME: Yes, but it will mean I will not be able to do anything else today
PM: OK, no problem
<wait 5 minutes>
PM: Can you, whilst doing those reports, restart this service on 6 servers, as per earlier email? Oh and can you do them first?
ME: NO! I am doing them in IP address order, so I will get to them as I go through the list.
PM: But these are important.
ME: It doesn't matter, I am not going change the order in which I am doing these
<wait another 5, after I have checked to see if the servers are up>
ME: those servers are not responding, so can't do anything on them, so I will carry on producing those reports on the other servers, as I don't have time to troubleshoot issues AND produce these reports
PM: Does this mean you can't restart the agent on those boxes?

 

Would sir like to borrow my Clue-By-Four^TM? Whilst it has been finely-tuned on designers and their ilk, I think it would be equally effective on project managers.

[tiermat]

OH. MY. GOD.

I think the two PMs I am dealing with at the moment seem to be having a fuckwit contest.

There is the one detailed above, and another one who has just sent me an email with a link in it to an email conversation he has had with another person. (At this point probably 75% of the readership have realised where this is going, and 100% of non-PMs will realise where it is going).

The link is to a conversation in his mail file
I don't have access rights to his mail file.....

 

Pass me the Valium, nurse

[geraldc]

I remembered why I stopped listening to Five Live. On a phone in debate a caller suggested Greece sell Cyprus to Turkey to raise some money, so that the rest of the EU doesn't have to bail them out.  Down the Line really does't do phone ins justice.

[Jacomus]

OH. MY. GOD.

I think the two PMs I am dealing with at the moment seem to be having a fuckwit contest.

There is the one detailed above, and another one who has just sent me an email with a link in it to an email conversation he has had with another person. (At this point probably 75% of the readership have realised where this is going, and 100% of non-PMs will realise where it is going).

The link is to a conversation in his mail file
I don't have access rights to his mail file.....

 

Pass me the Valium, nurse

Sounds like something similar to what a friend of mine is experiencing.

His department employs a consultant to check a report
report is only allowed to be stored on a shared drive
permissions for access to sed shared drive are routed through a manager
nobody actually knows who this manager is or how to contact them
result? consultant is paid a whopping £8k for 3 days work, but can't actually do any work because they aren't allowed to access the report

[Andrij]

OH. MY. GOD.

I think the two PMs I am dealing with at the moment seem to be having a fuckwit contest.

There is the one detailed above, and another one who has just sent me an email with a link in it to an email conversation he has had with another person. (At this point probably 75% of the readership have realised where this is going, and 100% of non-PMs will realise where it is going).

The link is to a conversation in his mail file
I don't have access rights to his mail file.....

 

Pass me the Valium, nurse

Sounds like something similar to what a friend of mine is experiencing.

His department employs a consultant to check a report
report is only allowed to be stored on a shared drive
permissions for access to sed shared drive are routed through a manager
nobody actually knows who this manager is or how to contact them
result? consultant is paid a whopping £8k for 3 days work, but can't actually do any work because they aren't allowed to access the report

I can do that for only £5k.  Where do I send my CV?

[Jaded]

When I was at Uni it was a standard trick to put the spam from one letter into the return envelope for another spam letter so that we used up their pre-paid envelope and annoyed them a bit.

And include something of your own as a bonus , like e.g. the sweepings off the floor.

That floor being covered in bricks...

An old toothpaste tube or two also helped.

Someone I know working at a Mail Order company once took receipt of a motor vehicle clutch, all parcelled up with the Freepost label on the front. They took that person off the mailing list sharpish.

[Kathy]

Dear fucking knuckle dragging, mouth breathing, single brain celled cow-workers.

If you ask me a question, I give an answer, no?

could you do the common courtesies of a) remembering the answer I give b) actually applying that answer to what you are trying to do?

DO NOT
10 ask question
20 receive answer
30 wait 5
40 goto 10

ok?

Thanks

Now fuck off and leave me alone

Oooh! I've got one of those, but he's trying a new tactic today! Currently, he's sending me an email every ten minutes (marked "urgent", relating to a piece of work I did five weeks ago, so we can tell it's really urgent) along the lines of:

 "We can't get our model points to reconcile with yours. Why?"

"Is it perhaps the mortality on the second life?"

"Oh, I've had a thought - have you included expense expenses?"

"When are you classing the model point as "married"?"

...etc. And he's sending his stream-of-consciousness spam emails copied to everyone in my team (most of whom have nothing to do with this, and the rest of whom wish to have nothing to do with this). But it's OK - he's spelled my name wrong, so I'm ignoring him. 

[Greenbank]

OH. MY. GOD.

I think the two PMs I am dealing with at the moment seem to be having a fuckwit contest.

There is the one detailed above, and another one who has just sent me an email with a link in it to an email conversation he has had with another person. (At this point probably 75% of the readership have realised where this is going, and 100% of non-PMs will realise where it is going).

The link is to a conversation in his mail file
I don't have access rights to his mail file.....

 

Pass me the Valium, nurse

Sounds like something similar to what a friend of mine is experiencing.

His department employs a consultant to check a report
report is only allowed to be stored on a shared drive
permissions for access to sed shared drive are routed through a manager
nobody actually knows who this manager is or how to contact them
result? consultant is paid a whopping £8k for 3 days work, but can't actually do any work because they aren't allowed to access the report

I can do that for only £5k.  Where do I send my CV?

Oh how naive! This is the IT world, that plan will never work. Here's how it should work:-

Here at $THIS_VERY_BIG_CO we'd take the work for £15k on the basis that no-one ever got fired for buying $THIS_VERY_BIG_CO...

We'd then subcontract it out to you for £5k.

If all goes OK we trouser £10k for doing nothing and pay you £5k.

If all goes wrong we trouser the £10k and blame you, withholding payment of your £5k with the hope that we end up trousering it anyway.

[tiermat]

CHRIST ON A FUCKING BIKE!!!!

I think I will need that lump of Clue*4 Interzen.

The PM asks me to complete a task.
I get on with the task, he keeps harassing me for a timescale, I tell him I will get it finished when I am finished, but will do it faster if HE LEAVES ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I send him the output.
He needs to send this off to India for analysis.
He then asks me for a job number FOR THE FUCKING WORK HE ASKED ME TO DO.

NOW FUCK OFF AN LEAVE ME ALONE.....

[Kathy]

Right! The next fucker who interrupts what I'm doing to ask a question to which they should know the answer, and then, when I'm part-way through patiently explaining, drifts off and starts fiddling with their PC and then say "Mmph? Sorry, what did you just say?" thus requiring me to start the complicated explanation ALL OVER AGAIN is going to be defenestrated! That's three in the space of two hours!

In fact, I may just defenestrate someone anyway. After all, what's the point of a window seat if you don't use it?

[Bledlow]

Why can't I find the bad news thread when I want to report some?

I'm sitting in front of my computer all alone feeling miserable when I should be sitting next to Mrs B on the plane she's currently in, somewhere over Siberia.

Illness. Every bloody thing at once. Sinus infection, bad reaction to the antibiotics prescribed for it (I'd had a mild but perfectly tolerable reaction when I'd had the same drug before), & some flu-like symptoms probably caused by a virus. I'm starting to feel better now, but too late.

Shit!

Only half-good thing is that the GP says I'm definitely not fit to travel, so at least we should be able to reclaim most of the wasted money from insurance.

[interzen]

£23k? For a job in Bournemouth requiring a PhD in fluid dynamics?

You're having a laugh, right? I earned more than that when I was a bloody post-doc!

[Kathy]

The network has crashed, apparently if I want to send an email with an attachment >5KB I will have to request special permission and it will take up to a week, and all the drinks machines are out of order and I'm thirsty.

Fuck this. I'm off to yoga.

[Wonky]

Thank you, your Crime Report has been submitted.

Your online report reference number is XXXX-XXXXXXXX (Please note this is not a Crime Reference number)

Your report will be forwarded to the police station covering the location of the crime and a crime reference number will be issued to you in due course. You will be contacted by an investigator in the next 72 hours

Unless you are only a scumbag cyclist reporting being attacked by a motorist, in which case you probably deserved it so we wont bother to contact you. Chalk it up to experience son.