G Imlach: | O hai! I am TV's G Imlach, teh man who maek K Dodd look liek I Macdonald ov Falklands Fame, such iz teh quantity ov LOLZ0RZ I emit! Wot a staeg yesterda, eh! T Pogačar! & doan menshn teh foopball! |
NC Boardman: | T Pogačar! Foopball! |
TP Kennaugh: | T Pogačar! Wot's this "foopball" ov which u speke? I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | Coff! Coff! ["Fruit" – Ed.]! |
G Imlach: | T Pogačar iz puttin' us pundits in teh queueueueue 4 redundancy! In fakt, teh hole Tour ov France iz doning that this yere! |
Omnes: | Oi! Teh Mgt! Start wif chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh! |
TP Kennaugh: | I h8 u all! |
NC Boardman: | 2da's staeg woz when it woz orl s'posed 2 kik off! Mntn-top finish, 5 categorated climbs inc. teh first ov wot TV's R Gilmore call "horse cat"! |
G Imlach: | "Horse cat"? Sounds liek a genetic experiment gone 2 far hahahahahaha! Sumtiems I crack me up! |
Omnes: | |
G Imlach: | Palestinians Philistines! |
5: | Ai haven't seen a single horsey on teh entire race! Only a wretched llama! Do something or Ai'll get mai Daddy 2 buy teh colemantary Sheds & build overpriced starter hoams on them! |
G Imlach: | We c'n only give u teh pikchas Frenchish TV sends us, u know! U'll haz 2 get ur old man 2 invade & conker la belle France! |
5: | Huh! O hai, Bef'ny! Kwik, iz startin'! |
Bethany (11): | O hai! & o hai 2 teh Yankee capitalist paper tigers who's birfda it iz 2da! May ur shareholder value decrease irreversibly, u lickspittle lackeys ov gangsta imperialism! |
Omnes: | U missed "running dogs", Bethany (11)! |
Bethany (11): | Every running dog haz hiz da! But not 2da LOL! |
G Imlach: | I wish I'd sed that! 2da we visit Tinges, ware we would ov gone in 2019 had we not had SNO & landslides! |
J Alaphilippe: | & just when I woz about 2 done a mitey assault attack on E Bernal, pwn teh staeg & teh raec pour l'honneur de France! |
Bethany (11): | Stow it, ickle drumma-boi, or I's gonna set teh running dogs on u ha ha! |
Omnes: | She's on fire 2da, G Imlach! |
EC Boardman: | Liek a certain skool, no? Hahahahahaha! Oh yes! |
Bethany (11): | Oi, u! Outside, now! |
EC Boardman: | As u wish! |
| FX: howling wolves, anguished screaming |
Omnes: | U left teh running dogs out there, no? |
Bethany (11): | Mite ov… |
G Imlach: | Let us repair 2 teh colemantary Sheds, wherein lurk *** & Super D, who shall attempt 2 maek sense ov a raec wot dunt maek no sense @ all! |
Omnes: | TV's *** Boulting dunt maek much sense @ teh best ov tiems! |
N Boulting: | I h8 u all! |
Omnes: | Haz anyone goned hoam afta yesterda's shokka, chaps? |
SD Millar: | P Roglič, accordin' 2 Radio Free Prudhomme! |
P Roglič: | Bai! |
Omnes: | & whom (grammer) mite pwn teh staeg 2da, in ur reknin? |
SD Millar: | Op!on iz divided between T Pogačar 2 pwn it @ a canta & R Carapace 2 put hisself rite bak in it wif a stunnin' assault attack aided & abetted bi M Kwiatkowski! |
Bethany (11): | U doan beleev a word ov that tripe, duz u, Super D? Honissly? It'll b sumwun we ent nevvah herd ov, liek N Peters last yere! |
SD Millar: | This, ov course, remane a possibility… |
N Boulting: | Y u not aks me about mi predicshun? |
Bethany (11): | Coz ur a nidiot! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | We sent ect ect… |
D Friebe: | O hai! O hai, MVD Poel! I here ur gonin' hoam! |
MVD Poel: | O hai! Iz troo! I iz goin' hoam becoz I's gonna pwn teh 'lympic mntn biek raec! But next yere I's gonna go orl teh wa 2 teh Paris Paree! O yes indeedy! |
SD Millar: | Top man! Announce 2 every1 not sneke off liek a ["disagreeable person" – Ed.] in teh nite! |
Bethany (11): | Gud riddance! Wif him goned hoam & J Alaphilippe miles off ov teh top 10 maybe we c'n haz a bit ov rationality round 'ere! |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar! |
SD Millar: | T Pogačar! |
Bethany (11): | |
N Boulting: | Look, see! Iz C Froome! Mite he b inna move 2da? |
Omnes: | He mite move 2wards teh teme car wif a vue 2 gonin' hoam! |
C Prudhomme: | [Flourishes fleg] Biek, u corpse-eyed puppets! I's gettin' back in mi car! Iz fukn freezin' out there! |
SD Millar: | 1st mntn is a odd 1. Spottypoints afta 2 & a bit km then it kepe on goin' up 4 seven (7) km! |
B Cosnefroy: | I duz a assault attack! I haz unfinished bizniz wif teh spottyjumper! |
N Boulting: | B Cosnefroy! Future ov T AG2R! R Bardet not here coz he doned teh Giro ov Italy! |
M Pingu: | & then got stuck up teh lum? |
SD Millar: | D Ballerina & H Sweeny assault attack! Look, see! They haz 15" seconds alredi! |
D Friebe: | O hai, G Thomas! |
G Thomas: | O hai! Hard! |
D Friebe: | Y u not goned hoam! |
G Thomas: | Dunno! |
D Friebe: | Mite u still b able 2 help R Carapace in teh Pyra-knees? |
G Thomas: | Dunno! |
D Friebe: | & teh Oh-lim-picks? |
G Thomas: | Dunno! |
D Friebe: | Sumtiems I h8 this job! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Sallanches! Pourquoi ne pas visiter Sallanches pendant vos vacances l'année prochaine ? Voir sa fontaine de paix, son rond-point nommé d'après B Hinault, l'herbe qui est verte et le gendarme donnant un passage à tabac à un suspect? |
Le Maire de Sallanches: | Nos flics ne battent pas les suspects pendant que les gens regardent, ***! Pas d'argent pour vous! |
N Boulting: | Piss! We sent… |
D Friebe: | O hai, D Martin! |
D Martin: | O hai! Gr8 ried bi M Woods eh yesterda. 2da iz mi turn. Perhaps! We will c wot hapns! |
D Friebe: | |
N Boulting: | Look, see! D Ballerina & H Sweeny r on teh 1st mntn! |
SD Millar: | D Ballerina haz dropped H Sweeny alredi! |
H Sweeny: | Shut it, u slags! |
N Boulting: | TB Xchaeng set paec @ teh beek ov teh pelican! Thinkin' ov snottyjumper! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! Teh sprint0rz r bein' dropped alredi! A Démare! He climb even worser'n C Ewan, wot iz goin' sum! |
N Boulting: | M Cavendish! Haz teme-maets wif him! He'll b reet! |
P Latour: | Wheeeee! C me zoom past H Sweeny & D Ballerina 2 pwn teh spottypoints! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | P3! |
SD Millar: | I think I Montoya N Quintana may b targettin' teh spottyjumper! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Super D haz fcked off 2 teh pubbe, teh git. I's joined bi chirpy Manx idiot Tiny P Kennaugh. How niec! |
TP Kennaugh: | O hai! Look, see! S Colbrelli assault attack! He's from, er, Italy! |
N Boulting: | Radio Free Prudhomme sez C Froome & R Porte haz bin dropped! |
R Porte: | Did I tell u about teh tiem I abandoned teh… |
Omnes: | Probably! Did it invlv a playg ov frogs, a eagle droppin' a tortoise on ur bonce or N Powerless' Mum? |
R Porte: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | Snottyjumper! Wide open coz M Cavendish dunt do mntns! Better 4 'im iffen S Colbrelli pwn teh snottysprint than M Matthews! |
TP Kennaugh: | Neglect not J Alaphilippe! He mite still figga in teh snottycomp! |
N Boulting: | Chute! E Mas! |
E Mas: | Arse! A Valverde? Ur biek, plz! |
A Valverde: | ¡Ur welcome 2 it! ¿Which wa 2 teh Spaign-o? |
S Colbrelli: | \o/ Snottypwn! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap teh breakfroupfing haz bin cort! Iz 40-odd rid0rz ahead ov teh shinyfroup bi 2 minits! L'autobus iz @ 4 minits! Now u kno az much az we duz! |
TP Kennaugh: | S Colbrelli! Y he assault attack agane? Any1 wud fink he woz from teh Isle ov Man! |
S Colbrelli: | Onli wa 2 kepe warm! |
M Rendell: | I Montoya N Quintana! K-nees! He hurted 'em when he felled over R Bardet last yere! |
TP Kennaugh: | K-nees r important iffen u wanna ried a biek! U can't bend ur legses wifout 'em! I'm from teh Isle ov Man! |
Omnes: | |
| [Sur le Col de Sais!es] |
I Montoya N Quintana: | O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! U maed disparaging remarkz about mi k-nees! Prepare 2 die! |
M Woods: | Not so fast eh! I, M Woods, also haz spottyplans! Eh! |
O Fraile: | Me 2! |
B Dickinson: | Yay! Cowbell! MOAR plz! |
W Poels: | I cock a snook @ ur so-called spottyplanz, I Montoya N Quintana & M Woods eh! |
Omnes: | U fukn div! Iz still 6 & a 1/2 km 2 teh top ov teh mntn! |
W Poels: | Oh! Nevvah mind! |
| […] |
M Rendell: | Cows! Ent cows brilliant! |
B Dickinson: | Wif cowbells! w00t! |
NC Boardman: | Gonna be hard 4 M Cavendish 2da! |
EC Boardman: | I rekn about 40 minits! Hahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Oh yes! |
M Rendell: | Lots ov monsta descants 2da! Shud suit J Alaphilippe! |
W Poels: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | U sure? |
W Poels: | Yes. Yes, I am. |
I Montoya N Quintana: | Oh. Fckles! |
M Rendell: | Teh shinyfroup iz six (6) minits down! |
NC Boardman: | In this raec that's priti nere teh front LOL! |
| […] |
NC Boardman: | [Teknikle Stuffs about wet descants] |
SD Millar: | Look, see! W Poels & M Woods eh distanced on teh descant! Wile S Higuita BO Connor & L Hamilton iz not! |
SL Hamilton: | |
Omnes: | No, dopey! No, not u! |
| [Sur le Col du Pré] |
M Rendell: | Look, see! M Woods eh haz cort teh lead0rz & W Poels haz not! |
W Poels: | I h8 this! [Throws jacket on floor in R Dennis-stylee hissy fit] |
Omnes: | Oooooooh! Tetchy!!1! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | I'm baaaack! Did u miss me? Hic! |
Bethany (11): | EZ, tiga! Ur birfda ent until next weke! |
SD Millar: | Don't remind me! |
N Boulting: | @ least iz teh da b4 teh 2nd rest da! |
SD Millar: | Nooooooooooooooooooo! |
Omnes: | Look, see! W Poels hav got bak on! |
SD Millar: | BO Connor! Mite b up 2 2nd in teh GC iffen he kepe this up! |
Omnes: | Who he? |
BO Connor: | I pwned a staeg ov teh Giro last yere, u kno! |
Omnes: | Who caem 2nd? |
BO Connor: | H Pernsteiner! Also, I h8 u all! |
N Boulting: | BO Connor iz within 1 (one) minit ov teh shinyjumper! Look, see! W Poels hav bin dropped agane! |
SD Millar: | Yesterda willen ov took a lot out ov 'im! |
W Poels: | I still h8 this! |
| […] |
N Boulting: | Wowsa! Radio Free Prudhomme sez N Peters & T Merlier haz goned hoam! |
SD Millar: | Gud 4 M Cavendish! J Philipsen haz lost both hiz leadout menz! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! WV Aert haz bin dropped! |
SD Millar: | Cud force other temes 2 defend teh podium places TEFE Hippo T AS-TA-NA! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! L Hamilton haz bin dropped bi teh lead0rz! |
L Hamilton: | I h8 this! |
N Boulting: | Virtual shinyjumper G Martin P3! |
G Martin: | 2 podium or not 2 podium? It duz not affect teh outcome ov history but iz betta 2… |
Bethany (11): | Kepe usin' "podium" az a verb, G Martin & u will b herstory! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! I Montoya N Quintana assault attack teh mntn! |
M Woods: | Eh? |
SD Millar: | & he shud gane MOAR tiem on teh descant in these conditions! |
M Woods: | Fck, eh! |
Omnes: | Look on teh brite side, M Woods eh! @ least u ent gonna b hassled bi a pist tw@ inna mankini! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
| [On teh Cormet de Roselend] |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Higuita haz cort I Montoya N Quintana! & so haz BO Connor! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | I c'n haz dry jumper? |
SD Millar: | Crivvens! Even I Montoya N Quintana haz a rain jacket on now! |
N Boulting: | Teh sp0ns0rz ent gonna liek it iffen I Montoya N Quintana pwns teh staeg in that jacket! No logos. On it! |
N Klein: | w00t! |
SD Millar: | BO Connor iz teh virtual shinyjumper! |
N Boulting: | Nasti descant off ov teh Roselend! |
SD Millar: | Sketchy!!1! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | \o/ Spottypwn! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! J Vingegaard orl on hiz own in teh shinyfroup! TJ Visma runnin' out ov firepowwah, horsepowwah &, er… apart from S Kuss. |
T Pogačar: | Wile I, T Pogačar, still haz a hole bunch ov mini0nz! & u idiots sed TUAE Emirates woz a Rubbish! Look, see! Even M Hirschi iz risen from teh gravy! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Higuita & I Montoya N Quintana haz dropped BO Connor on teh descant! |
BO Connor: | I may be daft but I ent teh Stupidz! Teh final mntn iz 21 km long! Also, I haz cort bak up! |
N Boulting: | Shinyfroup 8 (eight) minits bhind @ teh top ov teh Roselend! & now we shal bombard u wif shitverts! |
T Shitverts: | Buy! Buy ready meals from an assortment ov cocks & she-cocks a fone contract an electric pelican a usb fan! Buy a thing 4 making Stuffs hot! Do u haz a diseasel moto-car? Buy! Buy DingoVision! Spot teh ball & pwn a Audi! Watch idiots falling in water! Buy! |
Omnes: | We despare 4 humanity! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! S Higuita haz escaped! |
SD Millar: | Iffen it iz this cold u cannot brake proppa! |
N Boulting: | M Woods eh haz bin swept in2 teh pelican's sumwot less than mitey beek! |
SD Millar: | He's feelin' teh cold! |
Omnes: | He's Canadian! Iffen he's feelin' cold they ent gonna let 'im back into Canuckistan! Eh! |
B McNulty: | Hullo clouds hullo sky hullo ditch! Whoopsie! |
T Pogačar: | Eyes on teh road, B McNulty, u div! |
| [Onto teh Montée de Tignes] |
N Boulting: | Wile u woz bein' sold crap BO Connor haz almost, tho not quite, cort S Higuita & I Montoya N Quintana! |
SD Millar: | Good work, that man! |
N Boulting: | He's a Orztrylian! Orl Orztrylians c'n tiem-trail! It's in their DNA! |
TP Fairy: | O hai, boiz & grilz! Whom (grammer) shall I stab 2da? U, J Vingegaard! U shall haz mi tender ministrations! Stab! |
J Vingegaard: | Piss! |
Omnes: | Considerin' TUAE Emirates woz s'posed 2 b a Rubbish compared wif TJ Visma & T Ineo$ they ent donin' 2… |
N Boulting: | Iffen I cud interrupt u jus' 4 a sec, I Montoya N Quintana wud apere 2 haz xploded! |
I Montoya N Quintana: | O hai! Mi naem iz I Montoya N Quintana! U killed mi… [dies] |
| […] |
Omnes: | Way 2 go wif ur timin' ov teh shitverts, ITV! Not. |
Bethany (11): | This ^^^^! I ent got a credit ratin', I ent old enuff 2 drive & I doan wanna fukn donkey! Fck! Off! |
T Pogačar: | Rite! Tiem 2 get stripped 4 akshun! O hai, motorbiek man! U wunt shinyjacket? Top kwality! Big zlotys on Ebay! |
N Boulting: | Shinyfroup iz now onli 7 minits b'hind! BO Connor now 2nd! |
D Formolo: | O hai, D Teuns! U want TUAE rain jacket? 1 careful pwner; never raecd or rallied bi anyone under 21? Big zlotys on Ebay! |
D Teuns: | No. |
N Boulting: | Look, see! BO Connor assault attack! |
SD Millar: | WTF iz S Colbrelli donin' in teh froup wif G Martin M Kitteh-Neo ect ect? |
N Boulting: | Snottypoints, innit! No-1 consider teh possibiliti ov a snottyjumper contender scorin' onna mntn staeg! |
S Colbrelli: | I did! |
M Cavendish: | U utter git, S Colbrelli! I will tuough u up 4 that, iffen it works! |
| […] |
Omnes: | Plz! No MOAR shitverts! |
N Boulting: | Onoz! G Martin! Biek chaeng! |
G Martin: | Fck! Mi! Lck! |
N Boulting: | BO Connor iz ganin' tiem on teh shinyfroup agane! |
Omnes: | Yay! Get in, BO Connor! |
N Boulting: | Mite T Pogačar lend teh shinyjumper 2 BO Connor 4 a bit? |
SD Millar: | No-1 kno wot T Pogačar mite do in teh last 10 (ten) km! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! G Thomas iz still in teh shinyfroup! |
SD Millar: | & teh shinyfroup iz makin' tiem on teh froup wif G Martin! In it. 3rd iz A Lutsenko! No, iz still G Martin! No, iz… er, I'll come in agane, shall I? I Montoya N Quintana haz cort S Higuita! |
N Boulting: | BO Connor bak in virtual shiny even b4 u factor in teh bonerfications! |
Omnes: | Yay! Get in, BO Connor! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! G Martin iz… |
SD Millar: | Hold up! D Formolo haz xploded & T Ineo$ haz hit teh front ov teh shinyfroup! |
N Boulting: | Bad news 4 BO Connor! |
Omnes: | Nooooooooooooo! |
N Boulting: | T Ineo$ ent goin' much faster'n BO Connor! |
SD Millar: | Hoapfulli angry BO Connor will b angry & put hiz foot down! |
N Boulting: | T Pogačar haz 0 fcks 4 shinyjumper! Iffen he wanted 2 luse it he cud just stop! |
SD Millar: | Look, see! M Kitteh-Neo haz cort I Montoya N Quintana! |
N Boulting: | Big presh on T Ineo$ 2 maek sure R Carapace get on podium! |
SD Millar: | Do not liek! Spoilsports! Roters! Boooo! Gravy-suckin' pigswines! |
N Boulting: | I Montoya N Quintana goin' backwuds! |
BO Connor: | \o/ Spottypwn! Not that I caer! |
N Boulting: | R Carapace assault attack! A Lutsenko dropped. |
SD Millar: | T Pogačar counta-assault attack! |
N Boulting: | Bethany's Da… R Urán assault attack teh remanes ov teh froup! |
Bethany (11): | Yay! Go mi Da… R Urán! |
BO Connor: | \o/ w00t! |
ML Maire: | MOAR shitverts? FFS? I wanna kno how S Colbrelli, teh celebrated loonspud, gets on! Wnkrs? |
Bethany (11): | Wotesed, onli wif mi Da… R Urán! |
| […] |
M Kitteh-Neo: | \o/ P2! |
S Colbrelli: | \o/ P3! Taek that, M Matthews & M Cavendish! |
G Martin: | P4! Yay! Go me! |
T Pogačar: | P6 & got bak 2 minits or so from BO Connor! Yay! Go me! |
A Lutsenko: | That went well. Not. Piss! |
Bethany (11): | Wot! About! Mi Da… R Urán? |
ML Maire: | 6'34" bhind, 30-odd seconds bhind T Pogačar. 3rd on Gee-See! |
Bethany (11): | Ta, also yay! Go mi Da… R Urán! |
| […] |
BO Connor: | Iz a dreme! So 'appi! Speshul 4 sure! |
Omnes: | @ least he ent blubbin' liek a gril! |
Bethany (11): | I! Heard! That! |
Omnes: | Oops… |
Bethany (11): | Dint I sa teh staeg wud b pwned bi sumwun I ent nevvah heard ov, eh? EH?!?!? |
D Friebe: | O hai, G Thomas! |
G Thomas: | Much betta 4 sure! Xtra coffee this mornin' LOL! |
G Imlach: | Snottyjumper! |
TP Kennaugh: | Chapeau 2 S Colbrelli! Workin' orl da 4 35 snottypoints! |
G Imlach: | R Carapace? |
NC Boardman: | Dint so much assault attack T Pogačar az lede him out LOL! T Ineo$ haz 2 work non-stop 4 'im in teh mntns, on acnt ov how Bethany's Da… R Urán c'n tiem-trail betta! |
G Imlach: | So, teh end ov an amazeballs 1st weke ov teh Tour ov France! Rest da 2moz & we nede it az much az teh rid0rz! I's off 2 recharge mi rofflestore! C u next Tuesday! |
5's Mummy: | That was uncalled-for, G Imlach! |
G Imlach: | sozmissispoulidorfanshaw! |