ML Maire: | Yay! New sponsor on teh anbaric distascope! No MOAR Watchfinder! |
G Imlach: | O hai! Iz I, TV's G Imlach, sporting comedy God & winner ov teh mrs joyful prize 4 rafia work. 2da iz start teh Tour ov France & not joining me iz TV's C Boardmen, teh idle sods! |
| Cut to a BDSM dungeon deep beneath The Wirral |
EC Boardman: | Ahahahaha! U liek mi new gimp suit? A hahahahahahahahah! |
Bethany (9): | FFS, EC Boardman! I should introduce u 2 mi mum! |
Bethany's Mum: | Bef'ny! I 'eard vat, u li'l skank! |
G Imlach: | On teh air 15 seconds & r 1st domestique! Is this a record? |
Omnes: | No, G Imlach! A record is a round black thing with a hole in teh middle ba-dum tish! |
G Imlach: | Get! Out! As I was saing, in teh absinthe ov teh C Boardmen we haz a new pundit 4 ur viewing plezh. Pls 2 give a yumsie itv4 welcome 2... |
| Stock footage of bottle-storm stolen from Reading Festival circa 1980 |
Omnes: | Not M. Smith please. God not. M Smith! |
G Imlach: | No. |
Omnes: | Not that pro-am motormouth woman from Captain Cook's Mistake? |
G Imlach: | No. Not her either. |
Omnes: | Polygot geekazoid M Rendall? |
G Imlach: | We haz standards, u kno! |
Omnes: | Get on with it!!1! |
G Imlach: | ...me! Blah not here r C Froome blah blah blah blah M Kitteh blah A Démare blah blah T Dumoulin blah M Cavendish blah P Roglič blah blah! Blah! N Bouhanni! |
M Kitteh: | O hai! I liek fish! Also, miaow! |
5: | Wait... WHAT!!1! No T Dumoulin? [Faints] |
5's Mummy: | Oh for goodness' sake, Vivalda! Don't start that nonsense again! |
Bethany (9): | OK, dork-face, enuff about who's not here. Who's gonna win? |
G Imlach: | Search me! TV's *** Boulting & Super D Millar, save me from the Wrath of Bethany (9)! |
| FX: Revolting chewing noises |
N Boulting: | U sed ten minutes! |
G Imlach: | Soz but, well, u kno, Bethany (9)... |
N Boulting: | Understandable given teh circumstances. |
SD Millar: | O hai! I, TV's Super D Millar return with MOAR! Better!!1! Hatses. |
Bethany (9): | Not talking 2 u! |
SD Millar: | Y not? |
Bethany (9): | U promised me ur spare bedroom after that arson assault attack @ mi skool wot i had nuffink 2 do wif & then blamed Mrs Super D Millar for Not Doing It! |
SD Millar: | Look, I woz drunk, OK! And, MOAR important, Mrs Super D wasn't! |
Mrs SD Millar: | All I sed woz "I'm not having that gril in mi home until I'm sure it's house-trained!" |
Bethany's Mum: | Ur welcome 2 it! I don't even want money! Tho a Transit full ov Wite Litenin wouldn't go amiss... |
Bethany (9): | I. Get. This. All. Teh. Tiem. I'm off round 5's gaff. Kumquats FTW! |
G Imlach: | As I woz saing... We've got Tiny P Kennaugh 2 help punditise! |
G Thomas: | Er, it's like, yeah, a race, yeah! Take it as it comes, yeah? 4 sure! |
G Imlach: | E Bernal G Thomas? |
TP Kennaugh: | 4 sure R Porte. |
G Imlach: | J Birdsong? |
TP Kennaugh & SD Millar: | [Stereo roffling] |
G Imlach: | I Montoya N Quintana R Bardet T Pinot? |
TP Kennaugh & SD Millar: | [Stereo roffling] |
| [Cut to colemantary box] |
Omnes: | Hat! WANKHAT!!1!1 SD Millar has a wanky orange baseball cap! U look liek a fukn trafic cone, u wnkr! |
SD Millar: | Fck! Off! I'm supposed 2 b saing Niec Things about poor dead P Sherwen! [Says niec things about poor dead P Sherwen] |
N Boulting: | E Merckx 50 years Apollo 11! Pelican meet teh king, and sum bloke called "Philippe Roi des Belges". |
| [Sonically-challenged Belgian wif prog-rock electric piano; choir; national anthems] |
N Farage: | Stop that! Stop that! Ur as UN-DEM-O-CRAT-IC as teh Yuropeen Parleyvous! |
Omnes: | Fck off, batrachian fraudster! See that A Widdlecob? U fancy her! That's ur grilf, that is! |
ML Maire: | |
| [Enfin] |
C Prudhomme: | OK, u undifferentiated pondlife! Off u fck! |
N Boulting: | Futile break climbs spottyjumper. TD Gendt! F Bucket! |
SD Millar: | Sprint stage though. |
N Boulting: | T Cofidis N Bouhanni! |
SD Millar & N Boulting: | [Stereo roffling] |
N Boulting: | Belgian architecture morality Ted Alice! |
SD Millar: | Eclectic! |
G Numan: | Are "Trends" Eclectic? |
Omnes: | Go! Away! |
P Gilbert: | Come round 2 mine, Gazza. We'll haz a pint BECOZ TEH FCKRS DIDN'T PICK ME 4 TEH TOUR! |
Omnes: | Ooooh, tetchy! |
| [...] |
5’s Mummy: | Air hellay, Bethany! Ai'm afraid Ai had 2 send Vivalda back 2 bed. She's been doing that silly fainting fiddle-faddle again! Would u liek a kumquat? |
Bethany (9): | fankumissispoulidorfanshaw! |
5's Mummy: | Syrah! |
5: | Ai'm feeling much better, Mummy! Please let me watch teh Tour ov France I'll be good I promise! |
5’s Mummy: | Promise? |
5: | crossmihartanhope2diewithoutaponey! |
5’s Mummy: | Oh, very well then. 1 MOAR swoon, though, and Ai'm sending u 2 mi dokta. In Switzerland. |
5: | Thank u, Mummy! Comeonbefnyletsrocknroll! |
| [Grams: WHOOOOOOSH] |
N Boulting: | Cometh teh Mur de Gammon Grammont! GV Avermaet! |
SD Millar: | GV Avermaet! |
ML Maire: | Maeks a change from teh J Alaphilippe fanboiïsm, I s'pose. |
J Alaphilippe: | RAAAAWWWWWWR! |
| [Sur le Mur] |
ML Maire: | Ooh! That's where mi chain came off and I ended up wearing a Belgian roadie 4 a hat! |
Omnes: | MOAR stylish than anything SD Millar's ever put on hiz gulliver! |
SD Millar: | Fck! Off! |
GV Avermaet: | \o/ Spottyjumper 4 meeeeeeeeee! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! CP Sagan iz wearing teh NORMAL TEAM JUMPER!!1! Invisibility cloakyfing like hary poter! |
SD Millar: | J Alaphilippe! |
N Boulting: | Flanders climbs SOAKED in meaning! |
Omnes: | Soaked in brandyyyyyy, MOAR liek! Ur birthda not till Thursda, ***! |
N Boulting: | We're not getting lunch 2da! M Smith doesn't do weekends! |
SD Millar: | What! Teh producers never told me THAT! Sometiems I h8 this job! |
GV Avermaet: | Bored now. Tiem 4 teh niec biek ride in teh sunshine. |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Super D haz gone foraging. Here iz Tiny P Kennaugh 4 ur listening plezh! |
TP Kennaugh: | R Porte! |
Omnes: | Cycling's rnser to DI MacPherson in teh novels ov S MacBride? U been drinking 2, Tiny P? |
TP Kennaugh: | Fck! Off! |
N Boulting: | CP Sagan? |
TP Kennaugh: | CP Sagan's just zis guy, you know! |
N Boulting: | Dark horses V Nibbles M Landa S Kruijswijk WV Aert cyclocross! TJV Garderen? |
TJV Garderen: | I've been communicating with the team car... |
Omnes: | And? |
TJV Garderen: | It hates me. |
D Friebe: | O hai! I will interview WV Aert 2 prove I am not a big piece ov wood! [Interviews WV Aert] |
Omnes: | Now that's a barnet 2 aspire 2, Super D! |
SD Millar: | I h8 u all! |
Bobb: | Meh! |
N Boulting: | C Froome? |
TP Kennaugh: | C Froome's just zis guy, you know! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Tiem 4 multilingual Encycleopædophile M Rendall! |
M Rendall: | O hai mi blong sieg heil! Shinyjumper guerro wun P Thys! H Desgranges traum-mare? Anecdatum PR faek gnus? U bi Dick Advocaat¡ |
Omnes: | What did he just say? |
SD Millar: | Jumpers! |
N Boulting: | Where u kepe ur shinyjumper, Super D? |
SD Millar: | In a bag. In Taipei. |
Omnes: | |
N Boulting: | W Barguil? |
Bethany (9): | [Short but frantic dance routine] |
SD Millar: | Pffft! Old-skool French hit miss emotional. Not liek J Alaphilippe! |
Bethany (9): | Get a fckng room, u 2 3! |
| [...] |
D Friebe: | O hai! I will interview C Ewan 2 prove I am not a big piece ov wood! [Interviews C Ewan] |
C Ewan: | Cool er D Groaningwagon shame M Cavendish. Me FTW! |
SD Millar: | A Kristoff? |
N Boulting: | Did I tell u mi Nogweegie story? |
Omnes: | Yes, ***. Yes, u did. |
A Kristoff: | Hoi! I pwned teh Champs-Elysées last year! |
Omnes: | Only becoz teh Alps nommed most ov teh REAL sprint0rz! |
N Boulting: | Belgian flegs Belgian roads Belgian cobbles! Iz all quintessentially Belgian! |
SD Millar: | Christ's soupy beard, ***, WTF did u haz 4 brekko? |
N Boulting: | Cobblestones! |
TB Hansgrohe: | C us assault attack teh pelican 4 teh lulz! |
N Boulting: | Who cud b crazy enuff 2 orkestrate sumthing Iiek that? |
CP Sagan: | [Nonchalant whistling] |
N Boulting: | Sprint sprint sprintEEEE! CP Sagan! |
CP Sagan: | Did u reely expect anything else, ***? |
| [...] |
SD Millar: | Pelican split big naems D Martin. |
5’s Mummy: | Oh dear! I do like that young man. He's so polite! |
N Boulting: | So, why no M Cavendish? We sent TV's D Friebe 2 find out... |
D Ryder: | It was a team decision. Which means teh DS. |
R Aldag: | It was a team decision. Which means teh team owner. |
SD Millar: | I'm not saing either ov them haz teh wrongness, but D Ryder iz a lying liar who tells lies. |
M Cavendish: | Pub? |
M Kitteh: | Pub! Also, miaow! But I will beat u there, M Cavendish, becoz I am made ov Win! |
M Cavendish: | Ur round lol! |
N Boulting: | So here we r on this flat stage which iz never flat! |
SD Millar: | Put ur analyst on danger money, ***! |
N Boulting: | Look, see! T Skoych! |
T Skujins: | [Nothing repeatable, or even coherent] |
SD Millar: | Burning matches firepower! |
Bethany (9): | IT WASNT ME!!1! |
E Gesbert: | It wasn't me either! |
ML Maire: | FFS, ***, we're passing Waterloo & u muppets r banging on about J Birdsong! Where iz teh lame punnage, teh joaks about S Cummings doing it 2 R Bardet & T Pinot & teh metaphors 4 Brexit? |
Bethany (9): | La Butte du Lion! Fnarr &, moreover, fnarr! |
ML Maire: | Thank u, Bethany (9). At least sumwun iz on teh ball! |
| [Meanwhile...] |
S Risotto: | I do not wish 2 spoil ur japery, but I am off teh front liek sumwun made ov Win! |
SD Millar: | U will still b cort, S Risotto, liek a Treen onna deflating spacehopper! |
S Risotto: | But I haz teh big disraeli pulleys! |
SD Millar: | A pox upon them! E Merckx! |
N Boulting: | E Merckx! |
| [...] |
N Boulting: | Crash!!1! J Birdsong! |
J Birdsong: | Ow! Bi dose! Melancholy Supremes lyric goes here ==> |
T AS-TA-NA: | O-NOZ! R TEAM LEA-DER HAZ EX-TER-MIN-A-TED HIM-SELF AL-REA-DY! |
SD Millar: | ...and teh biggest mistaek iz 2 send teh entire team bak 2 help! |
T FdJ: | Tell us about it! |
| [...] |
S Risotto: | Piss! |
N Boulting: | Sprint sprint sprintEEEE coming up! Neglect not A Greipel! |
Omnes: | MUNKEH!!1! |
SD Millar: | Discipline! Iz important! |
Bethany's Mum: | C mi web site 4 details prices do not include vat! |
N Boulting: | Crash!!1! D Groaningwagon! |
SD Millar: | G Thomas! |
N Boulting: | WV Aert CP Sagan!!!1!! |
M Teunissen: | I beg ur pardon, ***? |
N Boulting: | I, er, oh, bugger! |
C Ewan: | Arse! |
CP Sagan: | Crazy! |
D Hutch [via e-mail]: | Biek racing done badly! That's what we liek 2 see! |