Regulations extracted from the Official, Official Events Rulebook :-
16c) Equipment
Fixed wheeled machines are allowed, however the rider should be made aware of the current Century (Derisory laughter from other competitors usually does the trick)
Any rider found not to have sufficiently barracked a "fixie" shall be designated a collaborator, & have their gearing publically stripped from the machine.
16d) Aerodynamic Accessories
Any riders found using Aero-bars shall immediately have them inserted where the sun don't shine.
Pretty-coloured Disc Wheels are for GURLS
A pointy nose gives an unfair advantage over those with the little button type. A mechanic should be supplied by the Event Organisers to rectify any overly-pointed nasal appendages - The use of Pliers & Cable-ties is recommended.
Large proboscus' in general - HOW MUCH AIR DO YOU WANT? Please leave some for the rest of us !
20c) Event Officials
We are all aware that Event Officials are hardy characters, but the Event Course should ideally start at a Pub, & end at a Pub to ensure that the Official Event Officials are in a fit state to both consternate the participants, and somewhat more importantly, screw up the timing, whilst reminiscing about The Good Old Days.
The expression "New-Fangled" must be included in each sentance.
The Event Officials should perform their "Comfort Breaks" in full view of the Event Riders - cringe-worthy remarks are essential during this proceedure.
The traditional Timekeepers Fart during the 10 second countdown does not apply to Hill Climbs as most competitors would nornally be suffering with colds/sinus blockages renedering the effect useless.
25e ) Conditions on the Day of the Event
Events should only take place if the following conditions apply :-
Visability (that all is says, so I assume if you can see your bars, it's OK).
There must be a minimum of 3 Brass Monkeys frantically scrambling in the undergrowth.
Leaves are good - there is no such thing as "the wrong type of leaves"
32c ) Parking at the Event HQ
You must be Joking! Why didn't you ride out ? GURL
758y) General Exceptions
a) The following excuse is the only acceptable reason for non-attendance:-
N/A
b) The following excuses, if used, will be recommended for recall at the Club Dinner :-
"My Carbon Brake Blocks have frozen"
Sorry, no dice - The only time you should use brakes is on a Hill Climb to stop yourself going backwards !
"My LBS haven't delivered my Cerveotta XYZ-Lite 2008 yet"
Well, it looks as if you will just have to choose between your 2006 and 2007 models instead then........
"I can't get enough pressure in my tyres"
Well, attach a hose to the Timekeepers backside - he'll have enough pressure to get you up to 130psi
800a) The Winner
The event winner shall be decided not on a time basis, but the quantity of saliva deposited upon his/her facial hair.